BOOK?? Who reads??

Some people have told me to write a book, but I can't write, it is hard to write anymore after high school. I can type like a stipper working a brass pole for a Benjamin Franklin big bill. I dance arcross them keys like boobies when I'm coping a feel. But, I don't know about a damn book, maybe a freaking movie, I couldn't stand to read, and all be damn if I'm going to have a book signing somewhere with a bunch of crap I don't like. That would be like watching the NBA Finals with my ex wife. Can't stand either.
I tell ya, from when I was a kid, or back up, the night I went to the party with my dad, and left with my mom. To the time I ate a bowl of cereal and went to tell my gerbil good bye I was going to pre school. That bastard jumped up and snatched onto my lip like frog on a fly. Or the time I thought I could stop my Grandpas hunting dog from running circles, and it knocked me 10 feet out of my damn shoes and kept on going.
Then we can get into the my time in the Army, and I am going to Germany to play that part. Ya darn straight, my liver my die, but I will be in good company with my biers. A good ole German beer is better than a hot blonde nibbling on my ear. Ot the time I got caught in high school having sex in my parents car by the Sheriff, caught in the act, pant's downtown. Or the my 2 stages of dumbass and getting married. Those together would be a damn movie, or maybe we can reduce one's drama.
Or some crazy things, like running down the street from her husband chasing me with a baseball bat. Or the time I thought I could water ski at 50 mph. The great times I had in Branson, maybe not give all that time up, people might think I'm crazy or something. From about anything that has happen to me, including the moments of being silly, and not wrapping willy. But, we will spare that, try to make it a PG-13 so I can educate the kids what NOT to do.