WHEW

Man, I tell ya, I've been busier than a dollar hooker working the Vegas Strip. From getting custody of my son, WHOOP WHOOP, to trying to figure out what this itch is in my new underwear. Some of the craziest things have been going in this world, and ya, I can spit out a fast facebook status about it, but obviously I have not had time to attend to my blog. Which I appoligize. Going from a every other weekend dad to a 24/7 dad of a kid playing 4 sports has gotten the better of my time, ya ya ya, excuses are like assholes, everyone has one and they stink. In great days, ways, shapes, and forms, I have noticed Victoria has a Secret,,,still, and I have a secret for them. My name is Gabe and I am not a girl, when you send me a little mail for a free panty let me tell ya, those things make for the image of the balls hanging on the yard game "Ladder Game". There just ain't that much room in the front of those free panties. Spliting the boys like a cedar tree on a log splitter. But, in latter news, I have decided I am NOT going to step on a scale, not until scales can measure SEXY and deduct that off my spare tire gut and make me feel better about myself. I have noticed that I am getting pretty thin on the top of my head, the head on my shoulders. I called Bosley, asked for a sample or brochure on their treatment. Oddly enough what I found out is that they take hair from other places and plant it back into the thinning area. When I told the chick I didn't want to become an actual Butthead or Dickhead, she didn't even giggle. Obviously she didn't understand, or it took off over her head like a High School Prom Dress, either way, I thought that was some funny crap. I was proud. I've noticed that when you kid is 6'1" and I'm 5'9" and his mother is 5'2", there seems to be maybe some DNA matching that needs to be done, especially when the UPS man is 6'3". Hey, I know he's mine, I remember the night of duct tape and handcuffs. You talk about being a comedian and having a kid that is all book smart and ding ding dingy on common sense, have I got more material off this kid the last few months then the public health clinic has had crab cases. From him telling my all mice are blind because haven't I ever heard the song "3 blind mice". So I told him there were 3 doors to hell, hasn't he heard of the group 3 Doors Down? He didn't get it. I have what they call a work in progress, I have got to get this kid to come around in 1 year before he is on his own and makes me look like I have kept him in a shell his whole life. On a lighter side of the world and it's issues, time is what you make of it. Posting about your husband being deployed for 12 months, and then posting he is finally home is great news. Then posting within the first 24 hours of him actually being home in your bed, I see there maybe an issue. I know if I was gone for 12 months deployed in the military and came home, the last thing my wife would be able to do is make a Facebook post, I'd have her so worn out she would try to sleep but I'd be like that crazy dog riding her leg. A mans a man, if ya ain't naked, atleast be making us a sandwich, and hey, while your making it, just do it naked, no sandwich is a sandwich without Miracle Whip. Just when your doing it, don't be silly and wrap ole willy.

Eventful Weekend

The successful weekend is one that should always be remembered. This was one of them. One of my boys was talking to his friend and what their parents do. Oddly enough, mine says his dad is a stand up funny man unless he eats to much, then he sits. The kid said his mom worked at the bowling alley, and that's when I piped up, oh she can wax a hardwood and polish balls? Is she single and have big boobs? Obviously not the material a 7 year old knows. Right over his head.
I did learn Girl Scout cookies are awesome meal replacements and only $3.50 a box compared to a $7.99 happy meal with cold fries. But, who's counting? So, we went to Walmart, hungry, real damn hungry I guess, we only bought food that had a preparation time of less that 5 minutes, and we know we were hungry cause we don't live in Colorado. Got to meet a bike gang dude, long hair, braided with Ponch off CHIPS glasses, rolled up cigs in his sleeve, leather jacket and pants. I started to talk to him, I always really wanted to know why bikers try to be the crypts and bloods. He said it is a brotherhood, family, like a marriage. All I said was sounds like Arkansas or West Virginia. And obviously, that wasn't the thing to say to him.
We did learn that we should just swing by McDonald's instead of driving home and then getting food ready. So I got up to the speaker, they asked if they could help me like always. I gave them, "I.....nee....fri......che....arg....." In which I got a sir, we must be having problems with our speaker, can you pull up to the first window please? And errrrrr, I was there. She wanted to help, but I said, "ain't no problem with the speaker, every time I come here you fuck up my order so I thought I would start it off right from the beginning. You can bet your sweetass I got all my order that time. Oh yes I did, and a couple coupons so I can come back for them to fuck it up more.
The moral of the story is pretty good all in all. Some people think your an ass, but others think your just an asshole. Really, God loves me so much he has a picture of me in his wallet. I did receive a phone call from my kids friends dad asking about his mom's boobs. Whooops. I said oh my bad, maybe she is more like a rental shoe from the bowling alley, fill her to capacity, got her warm and smelling good, and handed her back to ya. And that, was strike 3. I didn't learn a damn thing other than I should have not been silly and wrapped ole Willy 7 years ago.

Hot as Heck

Well, I can officially say it was so hot I had to go commando last week. Not only were birds landing on the ground out of the blue cooked, but they were crispier than BBQ chicken legs on a grill when ya got to drinking and forgot about them. Not that I ............well shit, ya I have. I seen a snake slithering past me with a canteen around his neck, now that's HOT. But a Canadian goose trying to pull out his feathers to cool off was also a site to see.
Of all the hotness I usually have in my house, with myself and all. I'm not conceded, I'm just confident, maybe little overly. But heck, all I had to do was log onto Facebook and take a gander, I got the temps from one end of the US to the other in 5 minutes. Therefore, I have decided, with the help of netflix, that I am going to just cut my cable. Facebook is the new weather channel for me.
Tonight I heard it was raining, so I stepped out of the love dungeon to sit on the porch and all be damn, there wasn't even a sparrow piss on my deck. Now does that surprise me, nah. I get to see things from people riding bicycles, in which I yell DUI, to people walking, that's when I ask if they are tired of walking,,,start running. But all in all, it's gonna simmer down some this weekend, so I might have to pull the undies back out. I sure did enjoy the breeze and the feel good flop when I walk around. But man, my socks sure are going to thank me for not allowing them to catch some sweat running down my leg.
Well, gonna take off like a prom dress and make some room out here for some birds to land, so don't be silly wrap ole willy.

BFE

BFE is not short for Burlington Northern Express. Actually it is stating Bum FU(K Egypt. This last weekend, I took off like a prom dress and headed south to get out of the cold and help my tan out. It's hard to get food stamps as white as me. So off I rolled, with my soul, and get er down there. You know your in a strange land when you are trying to text what town your in, and spellcheck has no idea what you are trying to type.
Who in the heck thought of these words? They say the Indians, but I beg to differ. If it was the Indians in Oklahoma naming things, we would be have NoWater, Running Wood, Flying Grass, Dust Storm, and Chicken Hawk Oklahoma on a map. They come up with the strangest words for towns down there, just do a rapid type then enter Oklahoma and all be darn if something will pop up on the map. I can tell you, when it comes to counting syllables, Okies have the rest of the world beat. You can't pass up a Totankawa and tell me a kid in school there can't beat you in figuring out the syllables. What I really think is, back in the backwoods, along the Cimmeron River basin, some toothless people from Ponca City made some killer moonshine, and then decided to get some Indians drunk, and wrote down that they said. Hints where we get drunk, crazy Indians from.
And how do I know this? Cause I tasted some 186. That stuff burnt all the way down, and OUT. Just a sip, that's all it took, no wonder it don't snow down there. But then there was a Indian that got to meet Bud and Light, and it was a she, I think, I had to look close. But she thought she was all that and a free paint horse. It had to be a paint horse, based off her size. She would grab her jugs and toss them like she was making a salad, and I would dry heave. I haven't seen anything that gross since walking in on my parents doing the whoopy. Oh comeon, we have all caught, or thought we caught them at least once.
But to much of my surprise, I watched some dude try to sing, all I heard was a mumble for the first 30 seconds, then a couple words I thought I knew. Sounded like a really bad rendition of Name that Tune. I don't know if it was the beer he was holding, the teeth he was missing, or the cigarette he was trying to gum on. But, he finally figured out, his stage show wasn't working, so something had to go, well, it was the cig. He took it, and flicked it out right out onto the bar floor. The damnest thing I had ever seen. They smoke in bars down there, in my state, you have to go outside to smoke, to save the people at Karaoke some disgrace on their ears, Oklahoma should look into that law. I guess, fire prevention may want to look into flipping smokes out onto the floor also. But how can I judge, I didn't finish college cause I ran out of beer money.
All in all, I had a hell of a time, got to meet some followers on Facebook in person, hung with them what I could, taught them how we drink beer in Nebraska, and then they taught me that their bars don't close until 2 a.m. So then I taught them how much that extra hour will kick your ass when you drink like we do. I guess we all had a good laugh. I know I had a good time, this is my longest blog, and I have more to say, but I'll wrap it up, don't be silly wrap ole willy.

Neighbor Kids

I remember the times we use to play football in the street because,,,,I don't know, grass was to soft. The times we played baseball between houses. The great games of 1/4 court basketball in the driveway. Those were the good ole days. Now days, kids hit the streets, with baseball bats, and end up in court. I have no idea how I just pulled that out my ass, but good one. No matter where you lived you always had that ONE kid in the neighborhood that you went above and beyond the call needed to avoid.
We had that kid, what the hell am I saying, I think I may be him, I remember watching alot of games from my bedroom window. Probably cause I was grounded. The damn kid that would toss dirt clauds into a pool after it was painted, the one who would throw eggs out the back door to see if he could hit the neighbor behinds tent, the one who would ghost ride someone elses bike so his didn't get torn up. Remember that kid? What a pain, nobody liked that kid, there was no darn way he was going to play with anyone, he was annoying, I think I have finally found that kid again, there is this kid down here, that nobody wants to be around or include. So, me being the kid guy that I am, I decided I was going to play catch with him so he didn't knock himself out with the tennis ball he was tossing to himself. Glad that was the only ball he was playing with. And then,,,,,,,,
It all started, this kid has clung onto me like a bad habit. I tell ya, I can't stay away long enough. You leave for work, wham, there he is. You come home and he is waiting for you like a lost dog. I guess it's better than his mom use to do, come outside running with the mattress duct taped to her ass, man she was always ready. I'm telling ya, the other neighbors are getting mad at me for telling the kid that they were looking for him so he would pound on their door and I had a chance to RUN. I think I am going to buy him a pet, like a cat or dog, and give it to him, I know he will get attached, and then I can hit 2 birds with one stone. Keeping his mom from sniffing at my goods, and him from calling me a super hero, I mean, that would be a great idea, they would get kicked out, and mission accomplished. If only his mom wasn't silly that night she made him and wrapped that willy.

Fantasy

One thing about always being in my own world, it's fantastic. If I didn't know any better, there would be borderline fantasy social active disorder. I really have no idea what that would consist of, but it sounded cool, so I'm rolling. It's like it such a good feeling, to know your alive, such a happy feeling. Now that you have your shoes untied and slipping on your sweater. Or like my mom would say, now that I have your attention, can I sell you a weight loss shake?
And that's another issue. Now come on, shakes been around for longer than I, now all of a sudden we have weight loss shakes? The only kind of weight loss shake that really works is to shake that ass while your walking. I mean to tell ya, evidently wine does it also. Cause I got this ex wife that is a genuine wine-o, and she went from the days I use to trip her and make a pothole in the sidewalk, to actually looking good enough another white guy may hit on her. Cause right now shes with a Hispanic, and we all know they are the ANTI weight loss shake people.
I just don't understand that. They come over and not only do the jobs that we won't do because we are fat and lazy, but they also do the women we won't do because we expect them not to be fat and lazy. I think we got this all wrong. Why we trying to catch Hispanics and send them back to their land? Crap, we could just take all the fat chicks and send them to their lands, and they would follow. End the immigration problem, and make a big dent in America's obesity problem. Oh, wait, that would be cutting the colored guys out, okay, we will keep the ones under 200 and over 5'11" that should help balance it out. Cause for some damn reason, if your black and gonna get a cracker chick, she's an amazon one, one that most of us short fat crackers are scared of. The pick ya up and body slam ya chick, hell, China on WWF. Nuff said.
All I know is people are making money on all this fabricated shit and I can't even sell an idea of a vibrator on the end of a weed eater to get on the market to help reduce prostitution. If we can't make a dent in it and your gonna just poke it, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Geographical Center of the United States

So, to be exactly in the middle of the Continental United States is not only an adventure, but it is fun. Some things that impress me are the dumbest things, but hey, keep being dumb so I am impressed. There was a booming hotel they say there? I don't know exactly what they mean by booming, I know people stop to see it, but in a town of about 500 at Christmas, with NO Walmart, OR Dollar General, in Kansas even, wonder what booming is to them? I only counted 10 doors on the building, I guess if you rent 2 for a night, that would be booming.
I know second off, not only does this little pimple of a town really small, but the center locator is 3 miles off the highway back to the west. The only reason the road is even paved is because it's back there for the Japanese bird watchers so they don't loose control over their rental car. Oh, mind ya, there are no parking stalls, or even spots. If it's so booming, then ummmmm, just sayin.
But there is a little chapel, in which skinny people only go to church there. My ass after I have lost 3/4 of it from divorce barely fit in a seat. But it was cool, I like the idea, I thought it was neat seeing a chapel as the only other building than the hotel, or use to be hotel, a chapel for skinny people. That will confuse them Japs. But, there is a BBQ area, heck ya, grill and all. But, only the camper people have food, and if they have food, then you know they have a grill already. I guess it's the idea of having a grill out there to temp you to drive out 30 miles to the nearest place to get something to cook and come back. Lord help ya in not forgetting the charcoal.
One thing they do need, is a porta potty, or outhouse. I'm telling ya, usually when I stop, I have to pee, I guess it's an older thing. I blame the air conditioning in the car, then stepping outside causes my blood to increase therefore getting my muscles working and my bladder going. I refuse to get old, I'm NOT gonna take a purple pill before I wrap ole willy.

BOOK?? Who reads??

Some people have told me to write a book, but I can't write, it is hard to write anymore after high school. I can type like a stipper working a brass pole for a Benjamin Franklin big bill. I dance arcross them keys like boobies when I'm coping a feel. But, I don't know about a damn book, maybe a freaking movie, I couldn't stand to read, and all be damn if I'm going to have a book signing somewhere with a bunch of crap I don't like. That would be like watching the NBA Finals with my ex wife. Can't stand either.
I tell ya, from when I was a kid, or back up, the night I went to the party with my dad, and left with my mom. To the time I ate a bowl of cereal and went to tell my gerbil good bye I was going to pre school. That bastard jumped up and snatched onto my lip like frog on a fly. Or the time I thought I could stop my Grandpas hunting dog from running circles, and it knocked me 10 feet out of my damn shoes and kept on going.
Then we can get into the my time in the Army, and I am going to Germany to play that part. Ya darn straight, my liver my die, but I will be in good company with my biers. A good ole German beer is better than a hot blonde nibbling on my ear. Ot the time I got caught in high school having sex in my parents car by the Sheriff, caught in the act, pant's downtown. Or the my 2 stages of dumbass and getting married. Those together would be a damn movie, or maybe we can reduce one's drama.
Or some crazy things, like running down the street from her husband chasing me with a baseball bat. Or the time I thought I could water ski at 50 mph. The great times I had in Branson, maybe not give all that time up, people might think I'm crazy or something. From about anything that has happen to me, including the moments of being silly, and not wrapping willy. But, we will spare that, try to make it a PG-13 so I can educate the kids what NOT to do.

Teenage Knock Up

Man, I tell ya what. I'm the kind of dad that will knock on my own car to get my kid a condom. Why? Cause that's how I roll. I just understand why these kids wanna play Russian roulette with their peters and knock some chick up. I mean, damn kid, you ain't even old enough to shave, now your going to be a dad?
I know when I was younger my mom passed along the, I know your a horny little teenager, your going to needs these one night, and you better put it on or I will tie your peter in a knot like a pretzel. The power of moms. Glad it was the family pack.
I see kids out now days that are all bopping around jumping rope because they are fixing to shit a kid. Nothing like being 29 and having to not only pay for your car, and everything, and support another driver in your house. I don't know what is so great about getting knocked up. I can't do it, so I guess it's not cool. But, one thing I do know, this girl basically raped a dude, like that was hard to do, and either or whatever happen, she was on top and yep, it happen. But it wasn't his fault. Like boys think we are stupid. Did you NOT feel your toenails popping off? You didn't notice the shortness of breath and breathing hard? Really, you couldn't feel your whole body tighten up and feel like your balls were going to explode? And the darn kid said, NO. My reply would be, guess the chick wasn't worth it. Nice of you to get laid by a ho for your first.
I know my kid is not in this blog, cause if he was, I would have her loaded up heading to Wichita. HA, just kidding, old enough to play, old enough to pay is what I believe in. There are people in this world that can't have kids and yours will be better taken care of then you could ever offer. So, if your in the heat of the moment, or you catch her with one leg up, don't be silly wrap ole willy.

Really

As long as we have COPS on TV, we will always have some interesting material to use. They got a call to a murder, well, a just got into a fight with my buddy and I think I killed him. I didn't mean to. Really? Pointing a loaded gun at him and pulling the trigger didn't click something in your head he may just die? I was born at night, but NOT last night.
I love the neighbor fights, her kids came over here and stole my kids basketball. So I walked across the street and took it back and slapped the girl. She ain't gonna come steal my stuff. OH, we always have the PROUD I HAVE A JOB. I work hard for my stuff, I don't need some brat coming over here to take my hard earned stuff I buy for my kids cause I have a job. I mean straight right up trailer park humor at it's finest. Noting says I'm proud more than when they get their food stamps cut in half because they got a job.
Oh, the ole bicycle cop dudes in action kill me. First off, I can only imagine riding a bike all shift and having that feeling of bike seat ass and you can't walk straight, or straight looking, you walk around like your trying to smother hamsters inside Mexico. Then to do a dismount off that thing and tackle a black dude on the run. Well, I wouldn't have used black dude if they would happen to snag some white people. But don't blame it, it's the program. And always the hoochie mama with her died hair in dreadlocks.
Well, I need to get back to watching this crazy shit, it's good stuff for my soul. Just like red velvet cake and cream cheese frosting. What a snack, so I better watch some black dudes with cracked out teeth steal a bicycle from some poor kid to go get some dope from an officer. If only they weren't silly and wrapped ole willy.

Got YA

There are certain things in life that I love to watch curiosity kill the cat. So, I think of crazy things, say crazy thing, and the king of pranks. Jackass would have shit if they knew some of the things I have pulled off in my days. Oh of course, you don't heal as fast or good when you get older. I snap, crackle, and pop more getting out of bed then pop rocks in the mouth of a women going..........get your mind out of the gutter, going down the hall. Gees.
One thing I read about just struck my mind like a ballpean hammer on the head of my ex. It is a rusty trombone, well, that's what its called. So being me, knowing this is a new trend, and I mean if you ask me a hell of a way to eat corn. So, now that you have urban dictionary it already. But, to say something on Facebook, and having a comment from a guy, and then a comment from his wife, obviously, if that doesn't stand up and shout out KARMA SUTRA owners I don't know what does. I mean whew, got me all excited, I was going to ask them to join my softball team, named SWINGERS. But, I would be the third wheel. I can't get a woman if I paid for one, even when I do that the damn cops break us up and always take me to the bed and breakfast and she stays working the corner. Pisses me off worse than a lightning bug stuck in a mason jar in the daylight.
But, now that I have killed your cat, and you are now educated on what the new trend is. Google it some more, find out about the tattoo, there's your sign. Well, don't get yourself in a shitty situation, don't be silly wrap old willy.

State Patrol FAIL

When your a habitual criminal you own a scanner, in which that is why I have one. It helps me not get caught. But last night, there was a semi truck leaking diesel all over on an interstate on ramp, or off ramp, heck, on a ramp. Ya, I argue with myself, but the make up sex is great. So, they called out for a haz-mat trailer to come out and help soak it up, or spray it off. Well, beings the Fire Station is behind my, I watched for about 30 minutes while they tried to figure out how to hook up the trailer. I don't know what the hold up was, but obviously, someone must have been putting on the tires or something. Maybe they were waiting for it to blow up, who knows.
But they make it out to the scene. And scanner traffic is kinda quiet, and then all of a sudden, the Fire Department calls back to the emergency center and says, We need a State Patrol officer to talk to the owner of the semi. The dispatcher calls back and says, NSP, Nebraska State Patrol, said there is an officer out there. And the quick response to that was, if he is the one lighting the flares down hill from our location, he needs to extinguish them and get up here ASAP.
I ain't no rocket scientist, but WTH was he thinking, they know its a diesel spill, cause that is how it was called out, and to think, hey Rocky, watch me blow some shit up when I light these flares. I guess the NSP officer must have missed that day of class when they are getting some HAZ-MAT instructions of down wind, and down hill. But, man, all I hope is he ain't to silly to wrap ole willy, we don't need 2 of them running around trying to blow up firemen.

Hail Eggcelent

Had a little thunder boomer go through here last night. And beings, I am a Facebook whore, I don't own a weather radio, who needs one now we have Facebook? Heck, I follow a couple tornado spotters that give live updates, the weather station from NOAA, whatever nautical has to do with Nebraska, and I follow the TV station. And THAT'S WHERE IT STARTED.
They decided to update their facebook with, heck I will copy and paste it,,,,,Hen egg size (2.0") hail being reported 3 miles northwest of Deweese in Clay County. I mean, really? In opposed to Rooster eggs? I have heard of it being compared to balls, ping pong, golfball, marble, Baseball, but an egg? You'd think for having a college education and being on the TV, you sure would have thought that out a bit before you posted that.
I guess I, really wasn't as confused as I was, wish that was my thinking. Could you imagine if you tossed a blue jay sized egg? Wonder how many would think, holy crap Harold what the hell is a blue jay? Old people are going to have a collection of eggs in their ice boxes just for the big storm so they can check out the size. If you don't think that's true, every grandpa has a tennis ball, and others next to his chair where I come from. Looks over to marble and holds it up, this here is how big that hail is down yonder, she stops knitting looks up and says HUH. That's how we roll back here in the Midwest.
All I got to say, is if they are going to have all them eggs next to their chairs, someone better call a sentsy salesperson and get some business strummed up quicker than Ozzy strums a guitar. If not, no worry to not be silly, guess ya won't have to wrap ole willy.

Nose Wax

Most of you know me by now, and know that I would just call and make an appointment to get my nose waxed, sober. Let me tell ya, I was more nervous than a skunk backed up in a corner by an alligator. But I did it, and let me tell ya how it all went down.
I walked in and image that, had to wait, in the damn hair school place, with NO MEN. I go back to the "spa" in which one bed had a sheet that looked like it just got done at a frat party, or a hookers bed sheet, one of the two. Then I have to sign a waiver, which states, if you are harmed in the making of this smooth hair treatment, it is not our fault. We know you will jump, tear, and be a big baby, but the tape will not be sold or reproduced. So I signed it.
Now, like magic, I got me a wad of bubble gum shoved up my nose on a stick, and sat and waited. It felt like a big sneeze when you have a cold and your not finding a Kleenex fast enough. But you can't touch it, for God sakes. So, there I sit, now feeling like the freak show at the carnival with crap coming out my nose. And then it gets to a good consistency, and she comes over and says "ready?" What the hell kind of question is that? Ya, I'm ready to have my brain expelled thru my nose via a stick. Then the countdown, pull the damn thing out already, don't count, I do that to my kids before I am going to spank them. Finally, HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS, automatic tear in the eye. And kapow, that piece of gum on the stick, has now turned into a cactus plant. My tear is going to my ear, so now I have a hairless nose and swimmers ear. GREAT, one down, one to go.
And off to the other side, same approach, but for some reason, this wad of gum didn't want to adhere to the stick, and then when she went to yank it out, not only did it "accidental" slip the first pull, but the second one was slow. If I wanted a slow wax pain, I would have tied it onto a snail, holy crap that kinda hurt. And now, we have to do it again. Up the nose with the gum, stick hanging down to my chin, both chins, and then wham, rip it was done.
Then the walk outside, if someone would have told me about the smells I was missing by being haired up, I would have done this along time ago. I can now look straight up and in the mirror and check for boogers, but I will NOT be held responsible if something should just fly out my nose because I have no more catchers up there. And let me add, picking my nose is as nice as rubbing my finger behind my ear, smooth, just nicely smooth. But, I gotta go, I wanna share this experience with the boy downstairs, I need to call and schedule another appointment. Don't be silly, wrap ole willy, smooth willy!!!!

Red Light

I decided that I was done giving blood to towels, and licking my own wounds like a dog, so I wanted to step it up a notch and donate some blood. I trotted down to the Red Cross, and lone and behold, I found out that they want blood, but have singled me out like a skunk with rabies. For some reason, they said they knew me. I read this little "You cannot give blood" list, and all be damn if I wasn't listed. I mean it didn't say exactly if you are Gabe or slept with Gabe, but it was a step worse.
How in the hell do they know what I did in my past? Obviously I am clean, I don't pee green any longer after my meds, I donated my spleen for research, but now I can't give blood because I served my country, and I was stationed in Germany where there are prostitutes? Really, so I guess the Red Cross don't exist in Vegas, that's to bad, I would love to give blood playing poker while drunk.
Then they told me that I could give blood, they just can't use it they will dispose of it. WTF? Really, now I was born at night but not last night, so I did it for the cookies, that old hag wouldn't allow me to eat any cookies cause I didn't give blood, so I gave. I jumped off the chair, said throw that bag away, I have slept with over 50 chicks in the red light district costing me over $300, and now my blood is tainted like your taint when you shit kids, and I'm just here for the cookies. And COOKIE MONSTER I became.
But if I remember correctly, I did sleep with one of the nurses daughters, so I said, I can't believe I am good enough to bang your daughter, but you guys don't want my blood, I'm just in shock. I better go eat some cookies so I can calm down. That old hag chased me out of there with a needle, I can't believe she was so sensitive, it wasn't like I would step down in morals and do her daughter again, been there done that, and wrapped ole willy twice, she melted the first one.

Car Salesmen

What is it that if someone just drives through a lot to look at the new models, some pot bellied pervert comes running out to you almost burning their lip and eyes from the cig they are toting? I can't understand it. It is getting about as bad as walking into the Buckle, you feel like you are being molested by sales people talking you into something you don't need. I understand that your making a living off selling cars, and making great stories about used cars to sucker us in to help you out. But come on man.
I'm going to start a game, for every time a salesman tries to push me into a car I don't want, I am going to try to return the sale backwards. When he tells me about a car, I'm going to tell him about the car next to it, and see who will bite first. Oh wait, why would a car salesman need a car? Don't they drive around brand new cars from the lot with the dealer tags on them just to show that they too can drive something special?
One thing that cracks me up, the fattest dude is always the best salesman, don't know how that works, but it just is a fact of life. Probably cause the skinny ones aren't selling, therefore, not eating, and the big one always has some spare change for the vending machine. But I mean to tell you, I am not going to buy a car from someone that does NOT own the same make. Why the hell would I buy a Ford when half the sales dudes are driving Chevy? Is that not a sign? I don't walk into a gay bar and ask for a straight woman, that is just confusing to me. Actually I don't walk into a gay bar anyways, I usually run. But who's counting?
So in short, when there is not other job in which you can handle, and you need exercise, a laid back environment, and a job in which you don't have to study, car sales is always looking for a few good bellies.
But, int he mean time, MEN, just to teach ya, if you position yourself by the drivers rear view mirror on the door when the ladies are getting in, yep, that gives you a straight up the skirt, short, looky look. I wouldn't know this for sure, but I am just saying, I have seen more cats in a pillowcase than the humane society. And if you play hard, stay hard, don't be silly wrap ole willy.

Obesity Cause

In my wonderful world, where everyone knows me, I am completely worn out. From reading facebook, just alone, I got in a workout, burned 436 calories, hit my kids dog with a rake, was running late to work, read about gas prices, ate breakfast, I even got to pick the picture of the meal I wanted. I never knew a day in my life when I was growing up, I would have been so productive until Zuckerman came out with Facebook.
I went from doing it all, to reading, and feeling like I was there doing it. But actually, I was sitting on the couch, watching some Netflix, well, WWE Ladder Match movie, and man I have done nothing productive today other than go and make me some mac and cheese. Who knew that this social media craze would tie us all down like a hooker on a bed, oh man, I just called myself a hooker. Enough with the night life of a pornstar, but if you would have told me to pay more attention to that Apple 2e back in little school because I was going to rely on it to get fat and lazy when I was older, I would have probably laughed at you, and went outside to play 4 square. Now, that's a new subject.
4 square, a game we use to play that required us to go outside and find friends. Good thing we didn't have to wait for them to accept the request, I would have been playing with myself, we some things don't change, I still do. But to take such names and use them to make us bigger, in order for these people to have something to follow on the news, Obese Americans, well played. Call it hoot-n-annie, or cross stitch, needle and thread, something we people do while we sit down. Next thing you know, we are going to have a swingers meeting place called baseball. Just hope it's not called Soccer. Or a site where women are trying to find people to take out their men named Football.
I have a blog, a chair outside, plenty of food and a diet coke, cause that's how I roll. The only apple I have in my house is to keep the Dr away, and it's working, but so is running my car out of gas and selling my bike on the exchange page. But, until then, don't make her eat for 2, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Close Family

The one thing I learned back in the day when I tried to screw people into buying time shares was, when family comes, it's great, but after about 4 days, they start to stink. But, when ya open the door to a sister and brother in law to move into your house, that brings stink to a whole new level. Like, the invasion of privacy.
I know that I get nervous about noises coming out of my bedroom, I mean, I guess that's why we have socks. The right to run around naked when you want, well, when the kids aren't there, or if they are, I just send em outside to play. Most parents understand. But the right to have some privacy when ya have to take the browns to the super bowl. Drop the kids off at the cosmic bowl. Or whatever you call, take a shit. Or take a shower.
There would be nothing worse that having your brother/sister in law walk in on ya. I mean, where I come from, we don't close doors, or announce what bathroom we are going to. There ain't no checkerboard on the fridge. I can see it now, they'd walk in, scream bloody murder, while I was screaming right with them. We would look freaks off Scary Movie. I wouldn't say a damn thing if I happen to see my sister in law, I mean, I always wondered if she had all them tribal marks on her whole body. But what the hell, I still wouldn't admit to my brother if I seen anything. Cause that's just not right. That would bring family stink to a whole new level.
Anywho, there is nothing like some visitors, but after a while, I would most likely chase them out. I'm not gonna hold my gas in, not going to stop vacuuming in my undies for anyone, let alone my own family. But, for some reason, my siblings have never asked to live with me, I keep getting bigger places in hopes, but I can't see why they wouldn't want to. I thought I had some family supporters,,,,I was wrong, but I hope my brother learns don't be silly, wrap his willy.

Savings

Sometimes when I'm sitting at home, alone, and usually bored because for some reason, when my fish talk, I can't hear it. I tried to unplug the air, makes em come closer to the top, but their lips stop moving so they don't talk. Damnest thing you ever did see, and all be damn if I am going to give CPR to a fish, I damn sure would a shaved cat, but not a fish.
So, my latest deal, is to call Verizon, why? Cause it's free entertainment, and I got a date with a chick from there coming up, she just don't know it. I have it figured out, she is off on Thursdays, so hint's to why I am blogging right now. But I like to just call and ask what type of specials they have going on for some services for smart phone. It really hasn't changed in the last 3 weeks, but I just know one of these days it is going to, and I want to jump on the savings.
So I call every night, but Thursdays, and now they don't even have to verify my information, they are that good. It's about as cool as prank calling someone with caller ID. In which, MY son found out, they call back right away, and ask, "3:30 in the morning, really?" In their little Chinese voice. Dumbass. I keep trying to tell him times now days suck, they just ain't like the old days. But ya buy em books and buy em books and all they do is eat the pages. Damn kids.
I tell ya, one day I am going to hit me a special on Verizon, and I am going to be the first to find it. I am all in it for saving some cash. I also am all into tell ya don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Snooki

What in the heck was she thinking to come up with that name? Is that like Snoopy and Nikki combined? Who knows, she kinda reminds me of a little sun baked troll doll. From all her glamour and glitz, and big lips and fat hips, what were they thinking letting her do a damn TV show? That is my questions I guess, and since she wants to ignore me like the white step child she never had, then I shall answer myself.
Obviously on an acid induced night laying at some homeboys crib, probably about half naked, she was looking at her funyon toenails and watching Snoopy cartoons. Man, I bet if Snoopy knew she was watching, he would be pissed off like flying condom. I mean, that chick did not miss any branches falling out of the ugly tree, matters of fact, she even got all the leaves. Anywho, that had to be how she thought of that, cause there ain't nobody else in this world that would have. Her real name is Nichole, or however funky was she spells it, you cross the short of Nikki for that, and now do some doggy style with Snoopy, and wham, ya got your Snooki.
MTV, well, couldn't have gone to a better place for a show. I mean, they went from music videos, to whatever this Snooki chicks shows name is, to 16 and pregnant, to 32 and a grandma. Everyone in show biz is after a black chick that is only 4 foot tall, I bet Springer is pissed he missed out. But by God, Oprah would call her twice. Which is good, cause in my world, we dress in black to look thinner, now imagine Oprah and Snooki white. HOLY BULLS!!! All they would need is a nose hoop. And now, Snooki is knocked up, that sorry dude, I hope he used the pillowcase, oh, he did, that's how he finished. Well, Snook's, jokes on you, your due date is also those Mayan dudes prediction of when the world is going to end. God hope so, that would be so funny, but if that dude that knocked her up wasn't silly, he would have wrapped ole willy.