Life as me

As a stand up, we often run into that one special person that cannot stand to be poked on, or brought out into public humiliation. For some reason, we love to eat them up. For instance, a gay cop, a short fat cop, an old cop, see anything going on here? We love to pick on cops, why, cause they always try to be so serious, and have people look up to them, to be a leader, these were the kids that would quit playing neighborhood football when they were loosing, the one's that always wanted to pick teams, the ones who wanted to be Captain of a sports team, but were never good enough, so they said a big FU and got a badge and gun so people would HAVE to abide by them.
All in all, cops are way underpaid, I personally would not be a cop, there is no way your going to send me into a gaggle of immigrants to try to break up a fight, nor can I deal with people that hurt kids. I would have one motto, Shoot now, question later. I would be that one cop everyone knows, and laughs with while we are eating donuts everyday about 8 am.
In every crowd you have the one shut out, don't pick on me, I don't want to sit up towards the front, I'm scared I'm going to be the butt of the joke, well, guess what? We know who you are and there is NO hiding. But when ya have had enough liquid courage, we will get ya, just when you think you are all WHEW he missed me, like a fish going after a rubber worm, we set that hook and reel ya in. I strive to get that one person, and then just let everyone know how they think.
Although we are not perfect in any means, I can walk on water when I see a snake, but I love to push the envelope, I guess I have done this all my life, and nothing is better than seeing a cop, lawyer, teacher, or any other person sit in their chair and try to slip under the table and get upset. But when it is all over, most of these people are upset, but get over it, pull your pants up, just cause your you don't make you any better than any other person, so stop and think to yourself, what am I doing or how am I acting to have someone pick up on me? But sometimes, we are wrong in hitting on the wrong person, but we get the vibe, and move off quickly. That is our job, people think things about other people are funny, and nobody likes to be the butt of the joke, so your in a lose lose world when you take the stage, and if we can turn this world around to everyone having fun, laughing, joking, not caring what others think, and stop trying to be to big for our britches, maybe we can get somewhere, or go back in time's to the early 90's when we all had fun. But if you decide to have fun, and for some reason try to pick up a hooker wearing them big tall leather boots and all dressed up, remember, Lincoln Nebraska has bike cops, and they don't like being hit on. But if ya score, and not get a ticket, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Really

As long as we have COPS on TV, we will always have some interesting material to use. They got a call to a murder, well, a just got into a fight with my buddy and I think I killed him. I didn't mean to. Really? Pointing a loaded gun at him and pulling the trigger didn't click something in your head he may just die? I was born at night, but NOT last night.
I love the neighbor fights, her kids came over here and stole my kids basketball. So I walked across the street and took it back and slapped the girl. She ain't gonna come steal my stuff. OH, we always have the PROUD I HAVE A JOB. I work hard for my stuff, I don't need some brat coming over here to take my hard earned stuff I buy for my kids cause I have a job. I mean straight right up trailer park humor at it's finest. Noting says I'm proud more than when they get their food stamps cut in half because they got a job.
Oh, the ole bicycle cop dudes in action kill me. First off, I can only imagine riding a bike all shift and having that feeling of bike seat ass and you can't walk straight, or straight looking, you walk around like your trying to smother hamsters inside Mexico. Then to do a dismount off that thing and tackle a black dude on the run. Well, I wouldn't have used black dude if they would happen to snag some white people. But don't blame it, it's the program. And always the hoochie mama with her died hair in dreadlocks.
Well, I need to get back to watching this crazy shit, it's good stuff for my soul. Just like red velvet cake and cream cheese frosting. What a snack, so I better watch some black dudes with cracked out teeth steal a bicycle from some poor kid to go get some dope from an officer. If only they weren't silly and wrapped ole willy.