WHEW

Man, I tell ya, I've been busier than a dollar hooker working the Vegas Strip. From getting custody of my son, WHOOP WHOOP, to trying to figure out what this itch is in my new underwear. Some of the craziest things have been going in this world, and ya, I can spit out a fast facebook status about it, but obviously I have not had time to attend to my blog. Which I appoligize. Going from a every other weekend dad to a 24/7 dad of a kid playing 4 sports has gotten the better of my time, ya ya ya, excuses are like assholes, everyone has one and they stink. In great days, ways, shapes, and forms, I have noticed Victoria has a Secret,,,still, and I have a secret for them. My name is Gabe and I am not a girl, when you send me a little mail for a free panty let me tell ya, those things make for the image of the balls hanging on the yard game "Ladder Game". There just ain't that much room in the front of those free panties. Spliting the boys like a cedar tree on a log splitter. But, in latter news, I have decided I am NOT going to step on a scale, not until scales can measure SEXY and deduct that off my spare tire gut and make me feel better about myself. I have noticed that I am getting pretty thin on the top of my head, the head on my shoulders. I called Bosley, asked for a sample or brochure on their treatment. Oddly enough what I found out is that they take hair from other places and plant it back into the thinning area. When I told the chick I didn't want to become an actual Butthead or Dickhead, she didn't even giggle. Obviously she didn't understand, or it took off over her head like a High School Prom Dress, either way, I thought that was some funny crap. I was proud. I've noticed that when you kid is 6'1" and I'm 5'9" and his mother is 5'2", there seems to be maybe some DNA matching that needs to be done, especially when the UPS man is 6'3". Hey, I know he's mine, I remember the night of duct tape and handcuffs. You talk about being a comedian and having a kid that is all book smart and ding ding dingy on common sense, have I got more material off this kid the last few months then the public health clinic has had crab cases. From him telling my all mice are blind because haven't I ever heard the song "3 blind mice". So I told him there were 3 doors to hell, hasn't he heard of the group 3 Doors Down? He didn't get it. I have what they call a work in progress, I have got to get this kid to come around in 1 year before he is on his own and makes me look like I have kept him in a shell his whole life. On a lighter side of the world and it's issues, time is what you make of it. Posting about your husband being deployed for 12 months, and then posting he is finally home is great news. Then posting within the first 24 hours of him actually being home in your bed, I see there maybe an issue. I know if I was gone for 12 months deployed in the military and came home, the last thing my wife would be able to do is make a Facebook post, I'd have her so worn out she would try to sleep but I'd be like that crazy dog riding her leg. A mans a man, if ya ain't naked, atleast be making us a sandwich, and hey, while your making it, just do it naked, no sandwich is a sandwich without Miracle Whip. Just when your doing it, don't be silly and wrap ole willy.

Spandex

Okay, Ms 300, spandex is way beyond what it could do to you 150 pounds ago. Now what is going thru your head to think that man made stuff was going to hold you in? Now that I just puked a little in my mouth. I am going to add, and that shirt? That ain't true you can hold your muffin top back from being a cupcake. Spandex were invented when schools wouldn't let girls go to school naked.
It was to help guys out, by letting us see your beautiful curves, and the outline to heaven. Or whatever you refer to it as, shaved kitty, kitty, beaver, fish with no smell, bearded clam, raw oyster, eeeewwwww think about the half shell. Okay. Anywho, a man invented such an item to get us aroused, and have women pay money on something to make us do it. HELLO Victoria, it isn't a secret, your a ho!!!
Now someone explain to me why when I wear them, people laugh. That just isn't right. They drool on the women and laugh at me. What the hell is it? I have the potato in the front, they really laugh when it is in the back, but a great way to cut in a line somewhere.
All I know is, obviously man is making them suckers to big, to hell with save the whales, save the material and make 2, then they will good in that crap. Just remember, you can't squeeze the dimples out of a golf ball, so calm down there Julie Brown and back on up to the parachute pants. Thank you. But the babes who can wear them, HELLO, keep doing what your doing cause I am wanting to do you, and not even be silly, and wrap ole willy.

Bermuda Triangle

Some of life's greatest adventures can be caused by the Bermuda triangle. We, as men, know this all too well. So, hold my beer and read and watch this.........

We know women, and as men, women bitch about us all the time. We are so simple minded, Jesus if we don't have food, give us sex. Easiest instruction manual you'll ever need. My God, even smart phones come without instruction books now days and you figure them out, so how can you not understand us?

It is so simple, once ya give us sex, we are hooked, like a catfish on a treble hook. We are locked in like like a Guy with no arms in his house. So, this little 3 letter word is the Bermuda triangle to us. You know, once ya go in, your not getting out. And if you do somehow find an exit, we loose our ass on the way out. So, just stop and think, or better yet, toss us a sandwich then give us sex, and we are straight in the zone of no return. And I have no idea why we guys will work so hard to get trapped, but come on guys, be tough, stand strong, this is the last opportunity you will ever have.

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