Good ole Walmart

As I’m walking into the ever dreaded place on Earth, aka Walmart, I have come to the conclusion that there are limitations when a person is fixin to buy some flip-flops. Not all easy toe riders can pull off such a drastic shoe. You know, they are the thong for the feet.

If you have a toe that looks like a broken branch hanging from a tree, please don’t think about buying them. I’m talkin, the little toe band to try to make your gnarly feet look sexy, and on the same toe that overhangs off the damn flip flop causing sparks when your walking down the parking lot. You have to understand, we have Hispanics around here that don’t fix their gas leaking cars much, not to even add we have a Polish presents in the area also, and it would take them three times more time to understand there is fixin to be an explosion in the parking lot when they are going inside to buy their beans and shit. You could spark some gas and blow that flip flop and gnarly toe off faster than you could put away a Twinkie.

So, please if your feet look like they got caught in a disposal and you’re wearing flip flops, please reconsider.

And Walmart, WTF is up with this self checkout crap? You have 17 lanes with running electricity, and only 2 are open and then 4 self checkouts are working of the 8 because nobody is smart enough to reset the computer. When ya roll up to one of these pieces of work, just stop and look around and see if you can get into a real talking cashier, not the lady in the elevator whose voice has been put into checkouts. That’s a crock of crap, what’s a guy got to do to do voiceovers?

So, I scroll on to the self checkout, and lone and behold I can switch from 2 languages, well all be damn I say, I’m in the U.S. so my language is ENGLISH and should NOT be a choice. Beings in 13 different countries in my time, and having to know their language first, Spanish can kiss my redneck ass. So, I decide that I am gonna toss my pizza over this radar and pay for my shit and get out. But, that dumb elevator chick said I need to bag my crap. Well, guess what bitch, it is and for some reason you can’t see it. So I hit the button a few times and then all hell breaks loose and the light on the stand flashes, the screen is flipping around like a horror movie, and I’m standing there with the lady wearing a toe ring and flip flops asking me what happen and she’s going to have to swipe her card. This pisses me off, I throw my pizza across the isle, with people ducking like The Rock is swinging a machete, and it lands in a crushed up, wrinkled half broken box. I got so mad I tested my temper, and yep, it still works.

I guess the point to be made is Walmart sucks, and if you do go there and buy some pre-sliced, dented box pizza, I’m the guy to thank. But if you didn’t, don’t be silly wrap ole willy. 

Eventful Weekend

The successful weekend is one that should always be remembered. This was one of them. One of my boys was talking to his friend and what their parents do. Oddly enough, mine says his dad is a stand up funny man unless he eats to much, then he sits. The kid said his mom worked at the bowling alley, and that's when I piped up, oh she can wax a hardwood and polish balls? Is she single and have big boobs? Obviously not the material a 7 year old knows. Right over his head.
I did learn Girl Scout cookies are awesome meal replacements and only $3.50 a box compared to a $7.99 happy meal with cold fries. But, who's counting? So, we went to Walmart, hungry, real damn hungry I guess, we only bought food that had a preparation time of less that 5 minutes, and we know we were hungry cause we don't live in Colorado. Got to meet a bike gang dude, long hair, braided with Ponch off CHIPS glasses, rolled up cigs in his sleeve, leather jacket and pants. I started to talk to him, I always really wanted to know why bikers try to be the crypts and bloods. He said it is a brotherhood, family, like a marriage. All I said was sounds like Arkansas or West Virginia. And obviously, that wasn't the thing to say to him.
We did learn that we should just swing by McDonald's instead of driving home and then getting food ready. So I got up to the speaker, they asked if they could help me like always. I gave them, "I.....nee....fri......che....arg....." In which I got a sir, we must be having problems with our speaker, can you pull up to the first window please? And errrrrr, I was there. She wanted to help, but I said, "ain't no problem with the speaker, every time I come here you fuck up my order so I thought I would start it off right from the beginning. You can bet your sweetass I got all my order that time. Oh yes I did, and a couple coupons so I can come back for them to fuck it up more.
The moral of the story is pretty good all in all. Some people think your an ass, but others think your just an asshole. Really, God loves me so much he has a picture of me in his wallet. I did receive a phone call from my kids friends dad asking about his mom's boobs. Whooops. I said oh my bad, maybe she is more like a rental shoe from the bowling alley, fill her to capacity, got her warm and smelling good, and handed her back to ya. And that, was strike 3. I didn't learn a damn thing other than I should have not been silly and wrapped ole Willy 7 years ago.

Geographical Center of the United States

So, to be exactly in the middle of the Continental United States is not only an adventure, but it is fun. Some things that impress me are the dumbest things, but hey, keep being dumb so I am impressed. There was a booming hotel they say there? I don't know exactly what they mean by booming, I know people stop to see it, but in a town of about 500 at Christmas, with NO Walmart, OR Dollar General, in Kansas even, wonder what booming is to them? I only counted 10 doors on the building, I guess if you rent 2 for a night, that would be booming.
I know second off, not only does this little pimple of a town really small, but the center locator is 3 miles off the highway back to the west. The only reason the road is even paved is because it's back there for the Japanese bird watchers so they don't loose control over their rental car. Oh, mind ya, there are no parking stalls, or even spots. If it's so booming, then ummmmm, just sayin.
But there is a little chapel, in which skinny people only go to church there. My ass after I have lost 3/4 of it from divorce barely fit in a seat. But it was cool, I like the idea, I thought it was neat seeing a chapel as the only other building than the hotel, or use to be hotel, a chapel for skinny people. That will confuse them Japs. But, there is a BBQ area, heck ya, grill and all. But, only the camper people have food, and if they have food, then you know they have a grill already. I guess it's the idea of having a grill out there to temp you to drive out 30 miles to the nearest place to get something to cook and come back. Lord help ya in not forgetting the charcoal.
One thing they do need, is a porta potty, or outhouse. I'm telling ya, usually when I stop, I have to pee, I guess it's an older thing. I blame the air conditioning in the car, then stepping outside causes my blood to increase therefore getting my muscles working and my bladder going. I refuse to get old, I'm NOT gonna take a purple pill before I wrap ole willy.

Wallymart

Can you imagine Walmart with no motorized scooters? How many people would stop shopping there? Or am I the only one that puts on sunglasses, and rides around on one crashing into shit? Beings I don't golf, reason beings, I am not going to run around, trying to get my ball in a whole, counting my strokes to see if I can get even. I mean that would be more wasted time than trying to sell paint to a blind guy.
And where do they find the people that work there? The best thing about them is getting my sticker at the door from an always friendly gramps. I still don't know why he always has to lick the sticker first. I tried to tell him one day about technology and they pay some little Chinese kid to pre lick them so they are just peel and stick, but he can't hear me. So, I am guessing I need to write it out.
Who in the hell would design a building with 30 check outs and only hire 4 cashiers? I mean, that is like buying a hamster to be a watch dog. Take up all that extra room from the stands you don't use, and move the damn milk and bread forward like a hooker at communion. What would be so hard to have what I want, right where I can run in, run out, without dropping $100 every time? Want to put the customers first, move my shit where a fat guy can get to it without oxygen.
Well, I guess if they would do that, then there would be no need for the electric scooter, then there would be no mess for them to clean up from me hitting things, or batteries to charge, or the need for earplugs. Those back up alarms are hideous, not like I don't see that 60 inch ass backing up into me, but really, need to run nails down the chalkboard to get my attention also, thanks Wally. Until I shop and again, spending my next $100 bill, I am going to check out some of that yours and mine KY Jelly, wonder if it is good on wheat or white? Don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Being Single

I tell ya what, this single stuff is actually funnier than taking a group of handicap kids to a strip joint. I just can't believe myself that some people don't share so well. I mean, back in the day, in my church, I learned to share, but I guess times changed and I forgot to put in an address change for the memo. I tell ya what, I am about tired of one of my woman's husband coming over to pick her up early.
Nothing is more frustrating than a husband knocking at your door when your knocking the bed. Have some respect dude, I don't want her permanently or I would be married, ya know, just saying. Heck. But everywhere ya go, all be damn if you can find one of them old fashion ladies. Remember the ones that wouldn't take you on Maury, or Divorce Court, or even the ones that won't call Joey with Cheaters. I mean, them honest to goodness girls that just run around in a mini skirt, with no panties. That's my crowd.
But all these girls now, man I tell ya, they got more drama than Hollywood, and just try to latch on, I don't want a klingon, if I did, I wouldn't be changing my undies twice a day. I tell ya, I have had some bad farts, them kind that just make ya............those kind that trot right down your leg. I guess they say it's from not eating the right foods. So when I go to Walmart, I actually walk the isle's now, I guess that end cap food isn't good for your pooper. But I tell ya what, maybe I need to find me one that knows how to cook, and not in a microwave, oh, that goes back to old fashion girl too. Heck, I just better be quiet and send her out, her old man is getting done with golf league. I love golf league players. Just remember, no muff to tuff, and don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Numb

Well sometimes the greatest things are where you wouldn't expect to find them. Like at Walmart, back in the kids toys, in the sword and magic isle, they had some spray. It was spray to numb your throat so you could be a sword swallower. The exact thing crossing my mind, was not a sword, but have I got just the chick to test this out. And off home I went.
I called her and told her I had a new toy for her when I came home from Walmart, and you would have thought I bought her a new car, she hopped right in her wheelchair and came over. Bless her heart. I showed it to her, and she said she didn't want to become a magician. So I held her mouth open, sprayed it in there, and unzipped my drawers. Holy zit faced teenagers, before my pants hit the ground, she was down on my like a Russian being shot at. I got to play me a game of operation, I removed some tonsils, and epiglottis, and a I have no freaking idea.
I let her finish, I couldn't do it, I would have went off like a 12 gauge shotgun on a pheasant, probably blew the hair off the back of her head. Kind of crazy I couldn't go, but you can't fake it when they will know. So, her lips were tired, and jaw cramping, so I let her roll back home like a gentleman. And that is when it dawned on me why I couldn't go. After I zipped it up in my fly and felt nothing, that shit numbed me too. Not only did I get the best toy in Walmart, but I got me a 2 in one. So if your looking for a sword swallower and a guy that will LAST, get your ass down to Walmart toy section and get some. But in the heat of the night, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Sudden URGE

Do you ever get the sudden urge to just run up behing someone and slap the back of their head?
The urge to depants someone in Walmart?
The urge to go in the bathroom and make all kinds of moaning noises where they can hear it outside?
The urge to tie some fishing line across the hike and bike trail?
The urge to throw a blow up doll of an overpass?
The urge to put a brick behind the neighbors tire?
The urge to prank call a diner your at just to hear them announce for Eilleen Ulich?
The urge to yell rape during the church sermon?
The urge to just stand up, throw popcorn everywhere, and your soda at the movies yelling I can't take no more?
The urge to call school and ask if your kid made it when they don't even go there?
The urge to get the urge to do the urge is harder than to hold the urge back. I have no idea what that means, but it looks cool. I just sometimes come up with the urges to just do the damnest things, heck, the world ends this year according to Assterdamnist, so live the urges, step up, rip that towel off that dudes head just because you may not have the chance next year. But, don't forget, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Dress Code

Who in the hell made the dress code of big girl pants and UGGS? I mean comeon, you don't see me wearing big boy pants and combat boots. So what in the heck makes that so cool??
To break it down, big girl pants, aka sweatpants. You never see any female over 250 lbs wearing jeans, or a skirt. OH NO, its either sweatpants, or a dress all the way down to the ground mopping up ants. I could never understand the dress. But could you imagine, that would be alot of denium, and how many belt loops would be required?
In some ways, I am glad they go for the big girl pants. It makes me just want to run up and whip them down real quick. It is so hard to hold back the urge. But then I think of that golfball dimpled ass under them granny panties, or what if they had none on? OMG. After that thought, I will never ride on the electric cart at Walmart. Can you imagine what has dripped down off the seat?
Well, now that you are completly disgussted, and about to puke in your mouth, I better just close with don't think its cool to look like that. We don't go, oh look at the hottie in the sweats and UGGS. So, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Trailer park

Ever notice when you pull into a town the first thing you see is the trailer park? So everyone knows, they are future walmart door greeters. From the welcome to my town to walmart, way to move up toothless tina.
And when the fair comes to town, they will bop your ass to get a close parking spot to ride the rides and but that fried food from their cousins. That's the one week they take off for vacation, if they have jobs, other wise they are down at ready cash witting a check. Hot damn, we are going to hang out tonight.
I love fair week, its the only week of the year I know all those trailer parkers are not home, so I can go and reclaim my shit that got stollen all year long. And then I go into the trailer wheel business down at the lake for a month to make extra cash. Yep, they don't need them wheels on their house anyways, heck it cost money to drag that thing down the road.
Only in a trailer park can you find new cars, stolen shit, illegal guns, food stamps, and antiques all on 8 wheels. Life is a highway, they dream of cruising.
But long live the day I have some lots to rent to them. They get behind on lot rent, they better know how to fish, cause their house is going on pontoons and going to be a house boat where the lots are free. I will back that thing up down at the dock and wish them well.
But until I have my lots, I guess I will just keep getting my shit back, and selling tires down at the lake. But one day, maybe I can own the lot the walmart greeter lives on so we can be friends.

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Walmart

Went to walmart today, seen they are going to open a dentist office? Damn falling prices are chipping teeth, now they can hook you up fixing your teeth. Good news, they are opening an express lane for those with 15 teeth or less.
Saw a lady wearing a bun in oven shirt with an arrow pointing down. So I walked up to her and said, if you got to crap, go to the end of shoes, that is where the bathroom is. She looked at me like I was as dumb as her, so I said, you advertising your butt baby? And just kept on walking, I should of directed her to the helmets, but she would not understand.
So all these crazy shirts they sell, who designs those? My kids have better sayings then 3/4 of them. that is crap they are getting paid for them.
I got to meet Mr Ts mom, or a woman that had more costume jewelry than he ever thought he could wear. She was all Tammy Fayed out, thinking she was all that and a bucket of chicken from the deli that had been sitting out all day. That stale, crispy, greased soaked chicken that you are greeted with at the door.
So if you ever need a laugh, go and sit down at Walmart, the only neat thing you will find is cheap contacts from the lady with the space shoes that helps you and ask you the question 10 times cause she only has a keyboard at work.

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