Being Single

I tell ya what, this single stuff is actually funnier than taking a group of handicap kids to a strip joint. I just can't believe myself that some people don't share so well. I mean, back in the day, in my church, I learned to share, but I guess times changed and I forgot to put in an address change for the memo. I tell ya what, I am about tired of one of my woman's husband coming over to pick her up early.
Nothing is more frustrating than a husband knocking at your door when your knocking the bed. Have some respect dude, I don't want her permanently or I would be married, ya know, just saying. Heck. But everywhere ya go, all be damn if you can find one of them old fashion ladies. Remember the ones that wouldn't take you on Maury, or Divorce Court, or even the ones that won't call Joey with Cheaters. I mean, them honest to goodness girls that just run around in a mini skirt, with no panties. That's my crowd.
But all these girls now, man I tell ya, they got more drama than Hollywood, and just try to latch on, I don't want a klingon, if I did, I wouldn't be changing my undies twice a day. I tell ya, I have had some bad farts, them kind that just make ya............those kind that trot right down your leg. I guess they say it's from not eating the right foods. So when I go to Walmart, I actually walk the isle's now, I guess that end cap food isn't good for your pooper. But I tell ya what, maybe I need to find me one that knows how to cook, and not in a microwave, oh, that goes back to old fashion girl too. Heck, I just better be quiet and send her out, her old man is getting done with golf league. I love golf league players. Just remember, no muff to tuff, and don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Redneck Cooking

Nothing is better than a free meal, even one with family that stinks. Uncle Leroy leaves his teeth on a side plate, so can't sit by him, and Grammy don't know what is sliding in her depends, so can't sit there either. So I fix my plate, and roll on out to the garage and sit on the back of the pick-up.
This year they wanted me to help cook, so, I stuffed the turkey with popcorn, and when the popcorn blew the ass of the turkey, we knew it was done. I didn't have any stuffing, so I just toasted some bread, cut er up, and poured some turkey gravey on it, made it all better. Round my house we fight for the crispy skin, I ususally win. The trick to a good win is a can of refried beans and topped with a bowl of chili the night before. Still don't beat Uncle Leroys dentures on the damn table trying to eat.
All in all, we have a great meal, cold beer, long naps, and good times. We have alot of other stuff, I don't really know what it is, but it taste okay. It reminds me of Arkansas Roadkill Cafe, it was good, really good, don't know what it was, but man once you got under the hair it was tasty.
So, if you need any help with cooking up a turkey this year just give me a hollar, and surely we can cook er up. And cranberry sauce topped with poprocks is an absolute family stunner.