Thanks

All these people think it is so neat to post what they are thankful for. So I thought, in my eyes, I would let all you know what I am thankful for in my redneck world.
Thanks to God for making my arms long enough to touch myself. Could you image how pissed off the dinosaur is who has them short arms?
Thanks to the man who decided to play with cow tits and figure out you could drink that stuff. I know I couldn't be the one to test that out. And the kid who played with a goat to get the same thing.
The man who invented KY, he was a God, but wish it came in different flavors, grandma says its pretty bland when that jelly is on toast.
The blow up doll, that is the greatest woman ever, she is always there when you need her, she don't bitch, she don't talk back, and she always has that OH face.
Hike and bike trails, I get to stand by the window and watch people slowly get skinnier.
Thanks for the inventer of Duct Tape, I am a real handyman with your help. Thanks buddy, I'm stuck on you.
And lastly, the man who decided to hang animal heads in the livingroom. You are the Picasso in my eyes, what great art.
But, the man that decided to eat pig and cow balls, what were you thinking? Talk about gay.

Thanksgiving Prayer

Dear Old Man Upstairs,

I pray for this turkey that he had a good ride to the meat plant, and he didn't loose many feathers. I pray that the guy that handled him didn't pick his nose before playing with this bird. I also want to thank you for making their butts big enough for my hand to fit in, or I don't know how we would remove them gimlets.
I pray that some dog we don't know didn't take a pee on this cranberry bush which our cranberries were picked off of. And that some little Chinese kid didn't work past the child labor laws to harvest them for us.
I want to thank you for running water, if it wasn't for running water all these guest would smell like a spoiled bird. Thank you for giving man the idea of the fork and the Indians the idea of a knife, that's about it sir, this shit smells to good to keep going on.
Amen.

Redneck Cooking

Nothing is better than a free meal, even one with family that stinks. Uncle Leroy leaves his teeth on a side plate, so can't sit by him, and Grammy don't know what is sliding in her depends, so can't sit there either. So I fix my plate, and roll on out to the garage and sit on the back of the pick-up.
This year they wanted me to help cook, so, I stuffed the turkey with popcorn, and when the popcorn blew the ass of the turkey, we knew it was done. I didn't have any stuffing, so I just toasted some bread, cut er up, and poured some turkey gravey on it, made it all better. Round my house we fight for the crispy skin, I ususally win. The trick to a good win is a can of refried beans and topped with a bowl of chili the night before. Still don't beat Uncle Leroys dentures on the damn table trying to eat.
All in all, we have a great meal, cold beer, long naps, and good times. We have alot of other stuff, I don't really know what it is, but it taste okay. It reminds me of Arkansas Roadkill Cafe, it was good, really good, don't know what it was, but man once you got under the hair it was tasty.
So, if you need any help with cooking up a turkey this year just give me a hollar, and surely we can cook er up. And cranberry sauce topped with poprocks is an absolute family stunner.