Good ole Walmart

As I’m walking into the ever dreaded place on Earth, aka Walmart, I have come to the conclusion that there are limitations when a person is fixin to buy some flip-flops. Not all easy toe riders can pull off such a drastic shoe. You know, they are the thong for the feet.

If you have a toe that looks like a broken branch hanging from a tree, please don’t think about buying them. I’m talkin, the little toe band to try to make your gnarly feet look sexy, and on the same toe that overhangs off the damn flip flop causing sparks when your walking down the parking lot. You have to understand, we have Hispanics around here that don’t fix their gas leaking cars much, not to even add we have a Polish presents in the area also, and it would take them three times more time to understand there is fixin to be an explosion in the parking lot when they are going inside to buy their beans and shit. You could spark some gas and blow that flip flop and gnarly toe off faster than you could put away a Twinkie.

So, please if your feet look like they got caught in a disposal and you’re wearing flip flops, please reconsider.

And Walmart, WTF is up with this self checkout crap? You have 17 lanes with running electricity, and only 2 are open and then 4 self checkouts are working of the 8 because nobody is smart enough to reset the computer. When ya roll up to one of these pieces of work, just stop and look around and see if you can get into a real talking cashier, not the lady in the elevator whose voice has been put into checkouts. That’s a crock of crap, what’s a guy got to do to do voiceovers?

So, I scroll on to the self checkout, and lone and behold I can switch from 2 languages, well all be damn I say, I’m in the U.S. so my language is ENGLISH and should NOT be a choice. Beings in 13 different countries in my time, and having to know their language first, Spanish can kiss my redneck ass. So, I decide that I am gonna toss my pizza over this radar and pay for my shit and get out. But, that dumb elevator chick said I need to bag my crap. Well, guess what bitch, it is and for some reason you can’t see it. So I hit the button a few times and then all hell breaks loose and the light on the stand flashes, the screen is flipping around like a horror movie, and I’m standing there with the lady wearing a toe ring and flip flops asking me what happen and she’s going to have to swipe her card. This pisses me off, I throw my pizza across the isle, with people ducking like The Rock is swinging a machete, and it lands in a crushed up, wrinkled half broken box. I got so mad I tested my temper, and yep, it still works.

I guess the point to be made is Walmart sucks, and if you do go there and buy some pre-sliced, dented box pizza, I’m the guy to thank. But if you didn’t, don’t be silly wrap ole willy. 

Speech

Have you ever noticed, that once you decide to talk to foreigner, we change the way we "hook on phonics" in hopes they understand? Its like baby talk to a Mexican. That person is just sitting there thinking, WTF are they on? Well it's human nature.
Maybe not really human nature, as much as governments decision to open the borders. We bring in all these towel heads from the middle east, then we all complain how much towels and washcloths are. Well, all be quida, its a supply vs demand deal going on here. It don't take a darn rocky scientist to figure this out.
It the same reason, when cant flush baby diapers, well maybe, nah, heck, whatever.
But just the other day, I was talking to a hair lip kid, and all be damn, by the time I was done I were tawking like I had one twoo. So I started singing BLAH BLAH BLAH, and the Star Spangled Banner. Now that was a twist. It was harder than wrestling a cow ass first in a loading chute. Harder than trying to hide you take viagra from a pill popper, harder than carrot top to get his hair to stay down. Now that's hard.
But, now that my ADD has kicked in, and I am going to hell on a highway, instead of a stairway to heaven, I better wrap er up. Don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

The FOURTH

Today is one of those National Holiday a I wonder why the heck we give the illegals the day off.
They sneak in here, then they want to observe MY holiday, who makes these guidelines? Make them work 7 days a week, hard, 24 hour days, make it so hard on them they sneak back home.
But onto other news, I went down to the firework stand, told the guy he was WAY to expensive. He said, well don't buy your crap here, I don't care. So I went across the street, bought 5 roman candles. lite them bastards, shooting them at Mr. I Don't Care,,,, yelling, you care now? You care now?
The look on his face was great, complete worry, and I didn't even break a law, I was back 300 feet. Nothing I have read states you cannot shoot them at the stand, just 300 feet away. So bust my balls for pushing limits, and trying to get a cheaper discount.
My motto to savings is, you can't eat a table dance, so save your ones for the dollar menu. God bless America!!!!

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