Speech

Have you ever noticed, that once you decide to talk to foreigner, we change the way we "hook on phonics" in hopes they understand? Its like baby talk to a Mexican. That person is just sitting there thinking, WTF are they on? Well it's human nature.
Maybe not really human nature, as much as governments decision to open the borders. We bring in all these towel heads from the middle east, then we all complain how much towels and washcloths are. Well, all be quida, its a supply vs demand deal going on here. It don't take a darn rocky scientist to figure this out.
It the same reason, when cant flush baby diapers, well maybe, nah, heck, whatever.
But just the other day, I was talking to a hair lip kid, and all be damn, by the time I was done I were tawking like I had one twoo. So I started singing BLAH BLAH BLAH, and the Star Spangled Banner. Now that was a twist. It was harder than wrestling a cow ass first in a loading chute. Harder than trying to hide you take viagra from a pill popper, harder than carrot top to get his hair to stay down. Now that's hard.
But, now that my ADD has kicked in, and I am going to hell on a highway, instead of a stairway to heaven, I better wrap er up. Don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Tassels

Who in the hell came up with this tied up ball of yarn to hang on a hat at graduation to have the wind blow and slap you in the eye? They should of used something like a rose stems. You ever had one just slap your eye like you were a red-headed step child stuck at home with a step mom from hell? That crap hurts.
And to make it worse, you can't pick the colors of what the shredded doilie should be. This is something that I never did understand. But DAMN I was cool hanging that thing on my rear view mirror. I use to slam on my brakes in the car then pump them to have it swing and slap the crap out of my front window like it did my eye in the wind. Chicks dig the tassel mirror.
To much of my surprise, chicks don't dig it to much when it says 91 on it and it is this year. What the heck? That thing is like a gold medal for me, I had to give the teachers so much crap and threaten them to pass me so they didn't have to put up with me the next year. It worked, and now I have earned my tassles.
So now, I want to make a new trend in the tassel evolution, or whatever the word is, I want to see all the High Schools in the "HOOD" not have tassels, but tie them things up like dreadlocks. Then when I go to the mall, I know which car NOT to park by. Put some of them beads in em, do whatever tickles your fancy shredding doilie eye sores, but dreads would just be the coolest. I would probably try to get me a college degree if that happen. But until then, I still blame that stupid tassel for me having to wear glasses.

Class Speech

If for some ungodly reason, I was voted to give the big class graduation speech, it would have went something like this.
Fellow Partymates,
Just remember that what you do today, many will not remember tomorrow, so what the hell is the use of homework, and putting in so much time into a class project when you know your only 18 once? Take a day off, enjoy yourself, mom and dad are still forking out the bills, and who gives a crap? Really, you have all the rest of your life to work, who needs college? The only job you HAVE to have a college degree for is the President, and look what kind of people have had that job!! I am way better to tie my time into something else.
Everyone needs to go out and make your family proud, we are loosing interest in the XXX video stores, and naughty stores. The kinky side of America is being closed off, therefore, making the people with these stores filthy rich, so get out, open one up, sell the heck out of everything and bring out some competition. Competition is great, it makes the cost go down so I can personally purchase cheaper.
Never date a girl with more hair on her legs than you. And remember that when you join the service to show your appreciation of free enterprise, and TRAVEL. The best way to go and enjoy another country is on the governments dime. Not only do they pay you to go and have a blast, but they even give you all kinds of crazy holidays off with pay. Then get out, take another government job, collect even more money and retire to open 3 more XXX stores and triple your money.
Obviously wearing sunscreen does nothing for you like that dumb song says, so just party naked, your clothes will come off at the end of the night anywho. So remember, you only have the figure you are going to have while you are 18 once in your life, later in life, kids and fat rolls are going to slow you down. And your will always do more in life than the condom in Susan O'Boyles bedside table.
So take it from me, live, laugh and have sex, or love, in any order. And when you hit your class reunion, remember, you heard it from Redneck Gabe FIRST!!!!