Nose Wax

Most of you know me by now, and know that I would just call and make an appointment to get my nose waxed, sober. Let me tell ya, I was more nervous than a skunk backed up in a corner by an alligator. But I did it, and let me tell ya how it all went down.
I walked in and image that, had to wait, in the damn hair school place, with NO MEN. I go back to the "spa" in which one bed had a sheet that looked like it just got done at a frat party, or a hookers bed sheet, one of the two. Then I have to sign a waiver, which states, if you are harmed in the making of this smooth hair treatment, it is not our fault. We know you will jump, tear, and be a big baby, but the tape will not be sold or reproduced. So I signed it.
Now, like magic, I got me a wad of bubble gum shoved up my nose on a stick, and sat and waited. It felt like a big sneeze when you have a cold and your not finding a Kleenex fast enough. But you can't touch it, for God sakes. So, there I sit, now feeling like the freak show at the carnival with crap coming out my nose. And then it gets to a good consistency, and she comes over and says "ready?" What the hell kind of question is that? Ya, I'm ready to have my brain expelled thru my nose via a stick. Then the countdown, pull the damn thing out already, don't count, I do that to my kids before I am going to spank them. Finally, HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS, automatic tear in the eye. And kapow, that piece of gum on the stick, has now turned into a cactus plant. My tear is going to my ear, so now I have a hairless nose and swimmers ear. GREAT, one down, one to go.
And off to the other side, same approach, but for some reason, this wad of gum didn't want to adhere to the stick, and then when she went to yank it out, not only did it "accidental" slip the first pull, but the second one was slow. If I wanted a slow wax pain, I would have tied it onto a snail, holy crap that kinda hurt. And now, we have to do it again. Up the nose with the gum, stick hanging down to my chin, both chins, and then wham, rip it was done.
Then the walk outside, if someone would have told me about the smells I was missing by being haired up, I would have done this along time ago. I can now look straight up and in the mirror and check for boogers, but I will NOT be held responsible if something should just fly out my nose because I have no more catchers up there. And let me add, picking my nose is as nice as rubbing my finger behind my ear, smooth, just nicely smooth. But, I gotta go, I wanna share this experience with the boy downstairs, I need to call and schedule another appointment. Don't be silly, wrap ole willy, smooth willy!!!!

Cats

You know, last I checked people who have cats are about 100% likely to put that hairy ball on their facebook. Which if you ask me, is just plain wrong. A can't don't play catch, chase the bogyman off, lick your face, sniff your crotch, or ride your leg. So, in my world, a cat is just plain wrong to call a pet. Not that I HATE cats, I just think they make awesome moving targets.
I mean, my favorite cat is a shaved one between two legs. The kind that you pet and you can hear a purr. OH WOW, now I'm going. Back on the farm, with a farmers daughter, there were alot of cats. Barn cats, house cats, cat houses, stray cats, and to cut it all down to simpler terms, we had barn sex, bedroom sex, whorehouses, Ho's. That is some defined taking words to mean other ones. Darn, I guess I am smarter than I think.
But, who the hell pays thousands of dollars for a damn cat? Especially the 4 legged kind that does nothing but shed hair, make you sneeze, and don't even offer a Kleenex? Not I said the non-cat owner with the redneck and pimple on his ass. But if cats were suppose to be here, then we wouldn't have dogs to help reduce the population. Maybe dogs were put here as mercenaries to the cat population. Makes me wonder, chicks like cats, and why is that? They were born with one, if you want to play with a cat, I am more than willing to give you my email to get a picture. Well, maybe not, heck ya. I'm a damn dog like that, ruff ruff, just don't get mad when I wanna ride your leg.
One thing good about cats I can say though is, in the heat of the moment, when you and your woman are going it, a cat will NEVER put its cold ass nose on your ass. Maybe I'm not a dog now, makes me wonder, okay I'm confused. If you test it out to see if your cat will do it, just don't be silly wrap ole willy.