Got YA

There are certain things in life that I love to watch curiosity kill the cat. So, I think of crazy things, say crazy thing, and the king of pranks. Jackass would have shit if they knew some of the things I have pulled off in my days. Oh of course, you don't heal as fast or good when you get older. I snap, crackle, and pop more getting out of bed then pop rocks in the mouth of a women going..........get your mind out of the gutter, going down the hall. Gees.
One thing I read about just struck my mind like a ballpean hammer on the head of my ex. It is a rusty trombone, well, that's what its called. So being me, knowing this is a new trend, and I mean if you ask me a hell of a way to eat corn. So, now that you have urban dictionary it already. But, to say something on Facebook, and having a comment from a guy, and then a comment from his wife, obviously, if that doesn't stand up and shout out KARMA SUTRA owners I don't know what does. I mean whew, got me all excited, I was going to ask them to join my softball team, named SWINGERS. But, I would be the third wheel. I can't get a woman if I paid for one, even when I do that the damn cops break us up and always take me to the bed and breakfast and she stays working the corner. Pisses me off worse than a lightning bug stuck in a mason jar in the daylight.
But, now that I have killed your cat, and you are now educated on what the new trend is. Google it some more, find out about the tattoo, there's your sign. Well, don't get yourself in a shitty situation, don't be silly wrap old willy.

Really

I often times think to myself what goes thru a persons head to post updates of things? For example, all these pictures of your uterus on my wall. Nothing like looking at a chick from the inside out, I mean that makes me more excited than getting to be a guest jackman at a NASCAR race. So, then when I am out being naughty, or out in public, I not only have to look at you and say HI, but men like me are thinking, hummm, I seen your uterus, it's kinda like sex bi proxy.
It kind of reminds me of when you use to tell someone you rubbed your dick all over the steering wheel, so really they are stroking me off. I mean, that kind of stuff is kinda borderline porn in my world. I think about how, what, when, why that picture even came into existence. Kinda crazy in my world, I guess some would say I am a pervert, but I guess I'm not on the net looking at real live porn, so pervert isn't really the word I would pick. Maybe a horndog, that might make a close call. But, who's counting?
And, man, I tell ya, I just can't wait for these High School graduations, it's going to be like I am planning my kids graduation. Shit, I had to skip 2 weddings, not just because they were suckers and I didn't want to cry, or bust out objecting trying to save my pal. But because why go when you post the every move? I'm walking down the isle, I am nervous.......I DO........I still do...........getting rice thrown in my eyes, thanks people, for making this the best day of my life. I said that once, but I had to regret it the day my divorce was final, cause really, that was the best damn day of my life. Nothing like writing one off, and someone else taking it on. More power to ya, I mean, personally, I wouldn't want my seconds, but hope I taste like chicken.
So, now that you are showing the world your uterus, and the kid you had hot passionate sex to make, and everything else that goes with it, I would like you to order up some Adam and Eve catalogs, and get ya some of them condoms, so you don't be silly and wrap ole willy so I don't have to see your uterus again. Please? Thank you.

Snooki

What in the heck was she thinking to come up with that name? Is that like Snoopy and Nikki combined? Who knows, she kinda reminds me of a little sun baked troll doll. From all her glamour and glitz, and big lips and fat hips, what were they thinking letting her do a damn TV show? That is my questions I guess, and since she wants to ignore me like the white step child she never had, then I shall answer myself.
Obviously on an acid induced night laying at some homeboys crib, probably about half naked, she was looking at her funyon toenails and watching Snoopy cartoons. Man, I bet if Snoopy knew she was watching, he would be pissed off like flying condom. I mean, that chick did not miss any branches falling out of the ugly tree, matters of fact, she even got all the leaves. Anywho, that had to be how she thought of that, cause there ain't nobody else in this world that would have. Her real name is Nichole, or however funky was she spells it, you cross the short of Nikki for that, and now do some doggy style with Snoopy, and wham, ya got your Snooki.
MTV, well, couldn't have gone to a better place for a show. I mean, they went from music videos, to whatever this Snooki chicks shows name is, to 16 and pregnant, to 32 and a grandma. Everyone in show biz is after a black chick that is only 4 foot tall, I bet Springer is pissed he missed out. But by God, Oprah would call her twice. Which is good, cause in my world, we dress in black to look thinner, now imagine Oprah and Snooki white. HOLY BULLS!!! All they would need is a nose hoop. And now, Snooki is knocked up, that sorry dude, I hope he used the pillowcase, oh, he did, that's how he finished. Well, Snook's, jokes on you, your due date is also those Mayan dudes prediction of when the world is going to end. God hope so, that would be so funny, but if that dude that knocked her up wasn't silly, he would have wrapped ole willy.

More Crap Nebraskans Say

Some of the damnest things you ever did hear come from the mouth of Nebraskans. WHY? We don't really think before we spit. But take one of these guys, toss him down into Branson for a couple years, and then you have some crazy shit I say.

You needa wash that thing tween your legs. Smells like sex.
What you do to your hair? Roll around in a cows ass?
Anywho
Got a truck to help me go grab some shit I bought?
Them tits real? Can I check?
I'm gonna go help preg check.
Takin off like a prom dress.
You dropped your damn pocket.
Hey, how far would you be if I hadn't hollared at ya?
Looks like 2 hippos fighting for air when she walks.
Your sister home?
Come over here and I can come in there.
And who came up with a readend accident and named it assholed?
Why are apartments, apartments, they are together, they should be called togetherments.
Why do we park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway.
My bed is on milk cartons cause that's how I roll.

Well, there ya have a few, somethings I say, can't be rewrote, if one could copyright phrases, I would have a million. But in the mean time, when you got her by the ears making motorcycle sounds, don't be silly wrap ole willy.

True Friend

Alot of us have this belief that some of our friends are good friends. But I now have to set you all straight. A TRUE GOOD FRIEND is a friend that will steal your shit back from the impound yard, hide it in their garage, and make sure you get it back. Now that is way above and beyond bailing you out of jail and not telling your wife.
Nothing says I got a secret until you have had a vehicle taken, for no reason, and put up in a "doghouse" until you contact the Police Department to get it back. Some things that surprised me, is only in small town America, will an impound lot not have a fence. That is like having pet ducks with no water. Lets think, usually people who get stuff impounded, are the bad ones, like the same group that will steal their stuff back from the impound lot.
Nothing is better than a phone call saying, hey buddy, I got your vehicle back, it's in my garage, but we got to be quick. Get it out of town, and hide it, make sure you sell it, only cash. And whatever you do, don't rat your peep out, that's a real peep right there.
So when you think you have some balls, you have nothing until you have stollen your buddies stuff back from the Police impound lot. That is something I can't say, but I am sure one that would do that, better damn sure not be silly and wrap ole willy. We don't need anymore genius thiefs.

Nepotism

When one ask someone for a topic, why do they always pick the words that are WAY out of my vocabulary? Maybe it's just me, well, maybe it's just them trying to get on over on me. Ya, that's it. They are trying to make me seem dumber or redneckish more than I already am. But, by no means, will that stump me with the power of Webster's.
So, they call it an art to not have children, to stay single, but WAIT ONE DARN MINUTE. Single, and no children is not an art. Unless your reading Karma Sutra and then when you get to about page 52, you find you need a partner to finish the book. Alot like life, when you start out, you are a virgin, then become a self satisfying virgin, then your moisture seeking heat missile decides what it takes to have fun, and have some curtain climbers, diaper shitters, and someone that will never leave your side. KIDS. It's alot like a new car, you buy it, break it in, and then rod the piss out of it. But the difference between a car and sex is, you can't wear a good kitty out, but you can die trying.
So, to remain single, what's the point? Nobody to bitch at you, no making you sleep on the couch, no hiding the remote, and nobody to keep you warm. I guess if we were to practice Nepotism, then we would all wouldn't be here. The art of favoritism of a family member, must be a Catholic thing. Only the Catholic can go out, do whatever they want, go in and chat to the dude behind the curtain and walk out forgivin and do it all over again the same day. Talk about that, why are Catholics always on their knees? And to be single on your knees???? Even on Urban Dictionary that is just wrong. But who am I to judge, I don't have a degree.
But, in the mean time, if you are single, rich, and willing to add me to a will, my name is Gabe, and I would love to be Nepotized by you. I know I am a favorite to many, and feared by many, but who is counting? So, if you don't want to believe in Nepotism, then don't be silly wrap ole willy.

April Fools

There is nothing worse in my book when an April Fools joke goes onto you. And who was the idiot that decided to change your relationship status on that day should be kicked in the wiener. I started getting all worked up, thinking about all that fresh meat hitting the market and then WHAMO, ha ha, April Folking Fools.
That has to be the dumbest thing since mixing peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. I mean, tell me your dog got ran over, or your cat got caught in the engine fan of the car, but really? Getting my hopes up to be shot down was not what I thought was funny. But, on the other hand, I did read a really cool baby announcement on Facebook. It said, Reservations for the Richardson's in November,,,,,,,,,party of 6. That was freaking classic, I wonder how many people would actually have to stop and think for a second, then later on it would have said, 6, hole crap stains in gym shorts, they ain't even Catholic. Crazy eh?
And Zuckerman, we all know we bitch about the timeline stuff, but here, on the Facebook craze, like you care, you screwed your two buddies out of their profits when they helped ya, our bad for thinking you were listening.
But,,,personally,,,,,I would like to have a button where I can pick where I want to poke the person I am poking. We have every other game on there, get on it buddy folker. Just put a box that says where and let me type it in. But don't get the list from Words With Friends, cause they don't my kind of words are actually words. I can save those for you another day. So, in the meantime, while your are just sitting there burning up your thumbs on the sailboat with Justin Beiber counting your money, have your dudes get on that. But, in the mean time, when Beiber says it's time, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.