Springinter

This crap of for one second bein’ about 80 degrees out where I can wear my
speedo while sitting out on the porch sippin sweet tea and the next morning
waking up with 30 degree temps is for the skunks. Is it to much to ask that we
don’t believe a stupid rodent named Phil from Philadelphia? The last guy I knew
from Philly didn’t know his asshole from a hole in the ground and we run our
lives off of something that is uglier than my ex wife’s sister in a bikini with a thong
up her crack. … Now that right there is an image for ya! All 250 lbs of golf ball
dimpled as. When that lady (loosely termed – Pun intended) walks, it makes Bill
Cosby jealous of Jello. She has more wiggle than an earthworm on a fishing
hook that’s danglin’ in front of a large mouth bass. And that mouth of her’s could
swallow grass carp whole. But enough about the beauty queen for this Blog…
So why this weather then? That ole Assistant President Gore the whore always
said it was global warming. Well, that sure ain’t a sign, I been using stick
deodorant for years, and nothing has changed in my world that’s for sure. Hot
summers, cold winters. I say it’s just a part of a little thing we call seasons, I
know, give me my Piece Prize now, for doing absolutely nothing like the rest
of the banjo pickers for the Mormon Tallywacker Choir getting theirs, by doing
NOTHING. I have scooped 5 inches of partly cloudy white stuff, and then been
rained on with no chance of rain, All in he same week!!. Someone somewhere
is gonna get a talking to by yours truly. I wonder what all is going on upstairs
to make thim think, Ha! watch this trick. I tell ya what, when, and if, I get up
there, I need to have me some questions answered. Then I can just say well,
in Nebraska, this is how it is suppose to go… Then I’ll set that dial on the
thermometer and gradually move it up and down, They’ll be none of this bumping
the temp like a 5 year old playing football in the hallway, and then hip checkin’
the dial. Just nice and easy all done by yours truly… , oh, speaking of nice and
easy, don’t be silly wrap ole willy.

Summer Time

It coming about that time of year when flip flops, corns, bunyans, and all the other nice things come out. Not to forget, warmer weather, no frost, panting dogs, and armpit sweat. It's it just lovely to think of summer around the corner? Oh must I forget, Walmart, the time we see daisy dukes on golf ball dimpled legs, Frito toenails, half shirts, and droopy stomachs. And the best time of year, the line up for the fairs. Nothing gets me more excited than the fair coming to town, where else in America can we run down and wait in line to have some toothless Jane or Joe make us a funnel cake?
The weather is getting warmer, incase you haven't noticed, and the days are getting longer, hints to why your ass is being pulled in a wagon behind you every morning. But we as Americans stand up, sweat loud and be proud. Talk about some strange happenings, I was abducted by aliens the other night, oddest thing that ever did happen to me. Thank God they let me go when they found out I didn't speak English.
But on the other hand, living in central Nebraska, not only do we have the County Fair that brings in all the Walmart shopper look-a-likes, we also have the State Fair. That's right, our metropolis, the only place the mayor can get a DUI and stay in office, but the Lt. Governor calls a chick on his phone and gets the boot, we are proud to host such an event. We can attract some of the strangest ducks, from a 60 year old with perfect circular boobs and winkled up like a scrotum on a 90 year old, but wearing that bikini top. God bless us, or help us, either way we are upside down.
Ole Large Marge is straining the grease from last year, and getting her permits ready, charging up her golf cart, and saving money by cutting off the arms on her t-shirts. But, we all know she makes killer fried foods, and we can't wait to lubricate our intestines with her delights. You all know me, I say toss on some strawberries or cherries and call it healthy. Dang skippy. Dig in, grab some paper towels to help stop the grease from running down your elbow, beings we can't lick our elbows, or maybe Celo Green can, humm, that should be on Mythbusters.
But when it starts warming up, don't forget, bathe, mow the yard, do all the honey do crap you have put off all winter, and find a good beach with scenery that is good on a mans eyes. Not looking for the chick that goes in the tanning bed smoking a cig, trying to just put on a front, but I'm talking a sharp dressed swimsuit wearing hottie. And when ya find it, let your balls drop, start off a chat, and then don't be silly wrap ole willy.

American Pie

I am a lover of the American Pie movies, they just kill me. One thing I learned was I DID NOT party enough for get laid as much as average dudes in school. I don't know if it was because we didn't have the girls like they do in the movie. But, I will tell ya know, if some of these chicks I went to school with could take back time, they damn sure would be like that now.
Back in the day of pimples, no back fat, no hemorrhoids, didn't need a fishing reel to get your tits perky, oh those were the days. I mean, I wear the same size pants I did in high school, it just takes me about 10 minutes longer to squeeze into them. I damn sure don't remember a band camp. I sure as shit would be all in to go to that, those band chicks are HOT now.
Back on the subject, whatever that was, all I would have loved is to have a Stifflers mom. Man, back then we really didn't have friends with hot moms. I would have had a best friend if I did. From now on, I say from this day forward, every class reunion should have an American Pie theme. We can have band geeks, the geeks, sports dudes, and was a cheerleader, could have been a cheerleader, and am a cheerleader. And from there, we can go, and go, and go. Eat warm apple pie, drink some beers and puke on each other, and play in a marching band with pepper spray on the ends. While we are all doing this, we won't be silly and wrap ole willy.

Friends

I hollared at my buddy SLAPNUTS today down south where the sun shines, and the pools are in working order. He just so happened to have something real crappy to say, so I had to comment back at him. Nothing says, " I need a damn job" than tossing out a Facebook invite to come over and swim, and play some games. I mean, do they not work down there either? Or do they all just own a couple of illegals and have them make the money?
I don't know what it is, but I know I'm about to piss myself he is my friend. I got a couple pictures from him the other day, talk about not playing around. This dude is more serious about games than a sole bull out with 140 heifers. I got me a picture of a Zynga game, not just the average, but the monster truck addition. Them dudes play with 2 foot 2X4's. They stack that firewood up on the table, and drink and play. I would be more scared of loosing a damn toe from not spilling my beer I don't think I would be any good.
I would be the fat friend that everyone gets a chuckle at. You know, the guy that wears a t-shirt in the pool, and whos trunks go down past his knee on one leg, and about 3 inches higher on the other. That would be from me not folding them over before I cut them off. Ya, you know that guy. Or in fact, your him. Well, sorry I just told on ya, but drink on.
And what the hell makes my friends always ask the fat guy to air up all the toys for the pool? This crap ain't air, it's fat, if it was air, I would be about 10,000 feet in the air like a hot air balloon. My chest can't hold anymore air than yours, actually, I need more air just to move around, so start blowing up your own damn toys, from now on, I'm leaving my inhaler at home. That kind a crap just pisses me off worse than a dog that just can't quit get to the counter. So, take your little happy non working ass there Slapnuts, and drink and be cool.
Go out and pound on your drums and figure out a way for my to not have to work and get my bills paid that don't require me to use kiwi on my skin. I will love ya kindly, but until then, everyday at 4:20, remember me, the hard breathing, fat guy, standing here smoking, and wrapping his willy so he ain't silly. But our damn pools are still green and only 3 feet deep here, so eat that too!!!

More Crap Nebraskans Say

Some of the damnest things you ever did hear come from the mouth of Nebraskans. WHY? We don't really think before we spit. But take one of these guys, toss him down into Branson for a couple years, and then you have some crazy shit I say.

You needa wash that thing tween your legs. Smells like sex.
What you do to your hair? Roll around in a cows ass?
Anywho
Got a truck to help me go grab some shit I bought?
Them tits real? Can I check?
I'm gonna go help preg check.
Takin off like a prom dress.
You dropped your damn pocket.
Hey, how far would you be if I hadn't hollared at ya?
Looks like 2 hippos fighting for air when she walks.
Your sister home?
Come over here and I can come in there.
And who came up with a readend accident and named it assholed?
Why are apartments, apartments, they are together, they should be called togetherments.
Why do we park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway.
My bed is on milk cartons cause that's how I roll.

Well, there ya have a few, somethings I say, can't be rewrote, if one could copyright phrases, I would have a million. But in the mean time, when you got her by the ears making motorcycle sounds, don't be silly wrap ole willy.

Catholic School

I had a show up in the boondocks of Nebraska, after playing in a hail storm and then making it to an awesome birthday show, off I rolled at midnight to another show, with a start of 2 a.m. And to much of my belief, what a disaster that show was. I thought I got stuck with a bunch of Jerry's kids that were at a slumber party.
I show up, all the kids, all 50 of them, were done with prom, and in street clothes, playing with inflatable toys, I mean, I walked right into a teenager Chuck cheese. I knew I was screwed worse than a sheep 50 miles from a town. So, I waited, until the start time, and hit the stage. Them kids, not only were they Catholic, but tired Catholics, obviously not enough wine. I told a couple jokes, like I'm sure you watch cable ytv and 16 and pregnant, I can't wait until the sequel 32 and grandma. That joke went over there head like Airforce One taking off in Iraq. Not one kid even grinned, so I had to break it down, 16 plus 16 equals 32. When your 16 and have a kid, then your kid is 16 and has one cause you did, then your 32 and a grandma. Then they laughed.
I have no idea what them Catholic kids learn now days, but back when I was in school, we had 3 high schools, and I know for a fact we wouldn't skip a Catholic kids party. Heck, we would  have skipped prom to hit one. Not up here, I don't think party or funny is allowed. So I pulled a couple more, and got nothing, these kids are just plain whipped, I didn't even bring up the "off like a prom dress", I didn't want to hear, I already have it off at home on a hanger." Shock me, what I thought was going to be a awesome show, was a complete practice, I've had better reactions in a mirror than what I got there that night.
But all in all, I had a hell of a time busting on a cop at the Birthday Party, and man oh man, when my speeding head spins something out about him, the blog is on. But don't be silly wrap ole willy. If your Catholic I will explain that later.

Traveling

Nothing beats the feeling of knowing you are going to get out of the home for a short time. But, man, when it's weekend after weekend, I just decided to live my life out of a suitcase. If I was smart, I would just live with my parents during my time I was home, save rent, and utilities, and then just travel some more. On the road you get to see some pretty neat stuff.
Like down in Tex-ass, a speed bump is considered a line of armadillos crossing the road. In Oklahoma, you go from toothless Joe's to tattoo'd Indians back to normals that just talk funny. Iowa has the northerners, where the men are men and the sheep run scared, and South Dakota, is a backwards Oklahoma. Colorado is just colorful, with all the immigrants they let out at night, and Wyoming,,,,,well,,,,,when the wind aint blowing, you ain't gonna see no panties unless you pay for em. And then ya got Kansas, where northeast, they are vowed not to laugh, and the central, where funny is funny, and the west, where English is non-understanding.
But there are many things I love about the road. The achmed running the hotels, what ever happen to the old couple that lived in the apartment behind the counter? Now you walk in, smell BBQ fish, and get a ELLO, HEP YOU? Man, the good ole days. But I guess that is what the world is coming to when we offer 5 star hotels at a 1 star price. Hummmmmm, who knew?
That's about as jacked up as my smart phone, having the screen on one side and the camera on the other. Now I know why they have dash mounts for them, but I shut my damn hand in the door 3 times just trying to skype to my brother. STUPID IDEA, that is a lesson of COMPUTER GEEK FAIL.
So, until you read again, don't be silly wrap ole willy. Oh, and I can now say, leave my woman alone.

Nebraska Danger

There is nothing better in Nebraska than some football. The kind of football you can see guys get hit so hard their jock strap stretches out. The kind that makes mouth guards cancel warranties. That's called football.
Now take some of those dudes, pin them up in a 50 yard or so ring, with some padding like a padded up soccer field, and toss them a ball. That is a damn sport. Being so close to the action you can catch a ball, or get sweat flicked in your eye.
Until you been to an IFL game, nothing in life would top it. Take being at a hockey game, with no glass, when they play with footballs instead of a hard plastic object that will make you look like you came from Arkansas, and experience the thrill of 4 quaters. Take an announcer that gets into the game like a shoelace on a players shoe, toss in a couple crazy fired up coaches, and you have the Nebraska Danger.
You have not seen anything in your football days, until you have sat inside, had a cold one, yelled and screamed until you lost your voice, and then walked out with a game ball, cause you catch it, you keep it. It's like 4 quaters of riding the craziest rollercoaster in the front seat.
It's even,,,,,well almost,,,,,better than NASCAR. There are some left turns, crash and burns, pit, tire changes, and if you sit close enough, there are even some exhaust smells in the air. So get your butt out, scream and shout, the year has began where we hang up the "N" and we accept IFL for the winter to keep up warm and give us that FOOTBALL TICKLE we love in Nebraska.

Only IN Nebraska

Only in Nebraska do you have to leave for work early counting on getting behind a tractor during planting and harvest time.
Only in Nebraska do you not have to double check locking the front door.
Only in Nebraska can you drive around with a rifle in the back window of your truck, and nobody is worried.
Only Nebraska men can ask for help working cows and their friends know it don't mean going to the bar.
Only in Nebraska can you go next door and ask for some sugar and their husband don't get mad.
Only in Nebraska can you tell your story at a local bar, and have someone buy you a drink and listen.
Only in Nebraska can your kids play football in the street and some jackhole don't honk or try running them over.
Only in Western Nebraska can you have a cattle drive down the main highway and people aren't honking and getting pissed.
Only in Nebraska can you give a neighbor a key to your crib when your on vacation, and come back and everything is still in the house.
Only Nebraska can make for a National Holiday on Saturdays during football season.
Only in Nebraska can you walk up to someone, voice your thoughts, and make them laugh at how silly they really are.
Only in Nebraska can you be 16 and knocked up, and your mama will help you raise the kid, so you finish school.
Only in Nebraska can you find someone that will give you their heart, and you are good with that the way it is.
Only in Nebraska can your have your ex and new girlfriend help you move without a fight or guns.
Only in Nebraska can you call a neighbor to help preg check cattle and they are right over.
Only Nebraskans can understand walking on the highway, and getting a ride the first mile.
Only in Nebraska do the cops prefer corn on the cob over donuts.
Only in Nebraska can you be someone, and just walk around being treated just like a normal person.
Only Nebraska people understand the meaning of TRUE friendship, where it leads. where you go, ice cold beer, and working on trucks is more important than going to a movie.
Only in Nebraska can you walk into a house and know at 6 o'clock you can have a warm meal with strangers, whom become best friends.
Only Nebraska is the place I want to hang my hat. No other place can I drive for 80 miles and only see 1 gas station, and the women can work harder than some men. Where sweat is not frowned upon, it make you sexy, and where you can get frostbite, windburn, sunburn and a tornado all in one day. So when picking out where to go, stop and think how many locks are on your door. But don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

What a time

So, as I was sitting with a bunch of friends around the table on night. They kept telling me about this crazy friend they had. The one that would walk around with his zipper down just to see if anyone noticed. I thought, all be darn.
Then they went on to telling stories of how he can table dance, and get about any chick to do anything. Then, I thought, what a man. Stories of how he can just walk into a bar or any place and tons of people come up to him and just sit and laugh and laugh. Man, what a guy.
But, when they started out telling stories of how he was streaking in his undies directing traffic in an intersection, and knocking on windows of peoples bathrooms, and when the cops chased him for letting all the 4-H animals out down at the Adams County Fair Grounds in Hastings the night before he got stupid and got married. That is when it dawned on,,,,that crazy SOB is me.
No other dude in this world can say that he was chased by the cops, with a hand in cast, because he smashed it 2 days before at work, and STILL managed to get all the animals out of the 4-H barn to run loose.
But some of that stuff, I wish I remembered half of those funny things I have done. But, in the mean time, I have figured out, I am making a lasting impression on people who meet me, and people who know me. Never a dull moment. Never. But, just take one thing from me, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Crap Nebraskans Say

Beings I am just me, and say alot of crazy things, I am going to shoot a you tube of this blog to take it live, but with ADD so bad my pictures in a math book, if I can remember them, I have the battle WON.
So, here we go Corn Chuckers!!!!!

Hold my beer and watch this shit!!!!
That darn coach better find a job.
Don't Huck the Fuskers.
Wanna go get a dog?
Who gonna be there? Ya?
Gotta work cows.
Can ya come help preg check tomorrow?
Got's a new truck? Bad ass.
Mind if I take your ex on a date? She's the only skinny one left.
What ya doin? Wanna go shoot shit?
Gettin all excited for the fair, got some good shows this year.
I'm gonna snatch you bald headed.
Hows it feel to be shoulder deep in a cows ass?
Damn, member her in grade skool?
Can I get a dip from ya man?
Ah, she smokes, nothing like putting your tongue in an ashtray.
Well, he knocked her up, poor bastard.
Johnson's are getting a divorce, ya, she's a sleeper arounder.
Color tractor you got?
Get any? Always refers to hunting first. Fishing second, women third.
Tighter than a bulls nuts one out from the kill floor.
A cowboy hat is a damn ball cap with a circular brim.
You see that? Yup, did you?
Boy, if I had a swing like that I would mount it on my front porch.
She smells purdy.
You did what with analog phones?
Can I borrow your bag phone?
What's your yield this year?
This kinda stuff is slang to us around these parts. Them damn city kids need to get out and work one time to figure out what life is all about. Damn hoodlooms. We are always there when ya need us, and will do anything for a buddy. Up in the hills, wellllllll, we will leave that alone.
I love my Nebraska, and who we are, we may say some goofy crap, but we can all track and we just really don't care. Anywho, don't be silly wrap ole willy.

Excitement

So, tonight, as I was doing my bi-hourly facebooking. Cause I'm a facebook ho. I ran across a post that said, I wish I knew what all the cops were doing down the street. Everything is taped off, and that's the same house the murder sucicide was.
I mean comeon, why wouldn't you have a chair, beer, and be sitting back watching what is happening? I would be, maybe with Jimmy Johns already called. Gee, that kind of excitment don't come here very often.
Surely you have watched enough CSI to just grab a briefcase, and roll on it under the tape. Nobody asks questions when you have a briefcase for some reason. Get the load down man.
The closest thing we have around here is when immigration comes in and loads up a couple buses and tells them that they will stop by Taco Bell before they cross the Mexican boarder. That is just crazy, and yes, I am planted down there, doing updates. Now we have a significant event down the street from a peep and he decides to leave us hanging?
I bet ya if someone stole some of his VW parts down there in Okalahoma the whole state and those surrounding would have the info on what to look for. But, no parts involved. This is just like telling a kid to just go inside a candy store and look around and they can't have anything. Damn, Fish buddy, I live in Nebraska, where we don't have skinny people cause we are cornbread fed. If the I know what I am doing cause I watch CSI on TV line don't get you in. Just flash them a VW part and yell NYPD. They do that on TV too. Surely them two lines will give us the money.
Well, if something cool happens in your neighborhood, don't just tickle your peeps. And for real, don't be silly and wrap your willy.