Ponca City

I will explain that when you post something like drunk and crazy in a sentence, you best save the typing and just write Indian. You know an Indian, you know they are drunk and crazy. In doing an upcoming show down there in Hatchetland, I don't scare me, not one bit. These people are completely bonkers, I checked some of them out, and they all have code names. Ronald Running Mule Hawk, Awgydawgy Bigballs, and some even have their last name first in their Facebook names.
I don't know about you, but it is looking to me like I need to bring my own bottled water. Nothing like going to a town where everyone is code name, and live in trailers whatever color the government found on contract, it looks alot like tinker toy reservations, but I know better. I have a big strike coming up to bat, I'm from that state where our kids don't get kicked out of football games from selling cars. The big rival, or use to be, until we had to save money because our kids playing ball don't work. Guess making them work isn't that bad of a deal at all after all. Get a job, donate a percent back to the school paying your education, and done is done and we could have stayed in the same conference, guess nobody thought of it that way. Instead we are going to teach them not to work, and just play ball, don't tell anyone where these shoes came from, or this car, or this watch, just get out there and play ball son.
One thing them Ponca City folks have that we don't is the appetite for destruction, I mean these people are like wrecking balls to the state of Oklahoma, they want a name change to Ponca Shitty because they can't get people to stick around for nothing, not even shipping in hookers from the big city. I don't know if you all been to a truck stop in Oklahoma City, but man, talk about girls walking around banging on doors like a midget on a trampoline with baby oil on their legs, well maybe that isn't baby oil, I didn't think it could leak. So, I'm telling you, there is a fresh man going to be in town, and last town like that I went into, I felt like a handicap fish in a pool of sharks. But we will see, maybe get them all fired up all night long, hop in the car and then head east towards Arkansas border, for the big ole family reunion. I love going to those, I have the most teeth and win the trophy every year. But this year, if Tonto don't get me first, I should win again, if I don't make it, I hope they ain't silly and wrap ole willy before I get tied up and scalped.

Nebraska Danger

There is nothing better in Nebraska than some football. The kind of football you can see guys get hit so hard their jock strap stretches out. The kind that makes mouth guards cancel warranties. That's called football.
Now take some of those dudes, pin them up in a 50 yard or so ring, with some padding like a padded up soccer field, and toss them a ball. That is a damn sport. Being so close to the action you can catch a ball, or get sweat flicked in your eye.
Until you been to an IFL game, nothing in life would top it. Take being at a hockey game, with no glass, when they play with footballs instead of a hard plastic object that will make you look like you came from Arkansas, and experience the thrill of 4 quaters. Take an announcer that gets into the game like a shoelace on a players shoe, toss in a couple crazy fired up coaches, and you have the Nebraska Danger.
You have not seen anything in your football days, until you have sat inside, had a cold one, yelled and screamed until you lost your voice, and then walked out with a game ball, cause you catch it, you keep it. It's like 4 quaters of riding the craziest rollercoaster in the front seat.
It's even,,,,,well almost,,,,,better than NASCAR. There are some left turns, crash and burns, pit, tire changes, and if you sit close enough, there are even some exhaust smells in the air. So get your butt out, scream and shout, the year has began where we hang up the "N" and we accept IFL for the winter to keep up warm and give us that FOOTBALL TICKLE we love in Nebraska.

Crap Nebraskans Say

Beings I am just me, and say alot of crazy things, I am going to shoot a you tube of this blog to take it live, but with ADD so bad my pictures in a math book, if I can remember them, I have the battle WON.
So, here we go Corn Chuckers!!!!!

Hold my beer and watch this shit!!!!
That darn coach better find a job.
Don't Huck the Fuskers.
Wanna go get a dog?
Who gonna be there? Ya?
Gotta work cows.
Can ya come help preg check tomorrow?
Got's a new truck? Bad ass.
Mind if I take your ex on a date? She's the only skinny one left.
What ya doin? Wanna go shoot shit?
Gettin all excited for the fair, got some good shows this year.
I'm gonna snatch you bald headed.
Hows it feel to be shoulder deep in a cows ass?
Damn, member her in grade skool?
Can I get a dip from ya man?
Ah, she smokes, nothing like putting your tongue in an ashtray.
Well, he knocked her up, poor bastard.
Johnson's are getting a divorce, ya, she's a sleeper arounder.
Color tractor you got?
Get any? Always refers to hunting first. Fishing second, women third.
Tighter than a bulls nuts one out from the kill floor.
A cowboy hat is a damn ball cap with a circular brim.
You see that? Yup, did you?
Boy, if I had a swing like that I would mount it on my front porch.
She smells purdy.
You did what with analog phones?
Can I borrow your bag phone?
What's your yield this year?
This kinda stuff is slang to us around these parts. Them damn city kids need to get out and work one time to figure out what life is all about. Damn hoodlooms. We are always there when ya need us, and will do anything for a buddy. Up in the hills, wellllllll, we will leave that alone.
I love my Nebraska, and who we are, we may say some goofy crap, but we can all track and we just really don't care. Anywho, don't be silly wrap ole willy.

SUH

Mr. Suh,
I am just so sorry that you thought you were pushed and had to step on another players arm. I must of missed that buffalo, the only animal that could move you, in the TV screen. I actually didn't even see anyone around that had the balls to push you. And I am sorry they were talking about bad things you didn't like on the O line, but eating grass is one thing, you really didn't have to keep trying to get the camel to drink more water.
I know you understand that millions of kids are watching you and today was the international step on your friend and say you were pushed day. We named it after you, why because you are the real deal.
But to come from a school that the world watches and being a great player from that Husker Nation, you really didn't earn any KUDOS stating that you were pushed. So, I thought maybe I could help you out tomorrow with some ideas on what to tell the public and the commissioner.

I am really sorry I was bashing his head in the ground, but I forgot my terrets medication before the game.
I really didn't mean to step on his arm, I wanted his damn chin so he would stop talking smack.
I am a man that respects my mother and anyone going to talk smack about my mom will go down. That is my button, don't push it.
I would like to express to the Packers that I am sorry I singled out player than the whole team in which I know I could take out.
I am the greatest Defensive lineman that the NFL has right now, that punk saying I wasn't going to the pro bowl again pissed me off.
I am sorry fans, I had a bad case of the craps from stopping at taco bell before the game, and really needed to take a day off.

But all in all SUH, just a damn SORRY after the game, instead of saying you were hit and pushed by a damn alien would have sealed the deal for us people. And please stop playing dirty, we in Nebraska get dirty, but from preg checking cattle man.
Stay tough, stay strong and build your respect back up.

Sincerely,
Husker "SUH" Fan

the friendly old j.w.

So, sitting at home, with nothing to do, the bell rings and so I lean back in the chair,swing open the door and yell come in. And they did.
To my sweet surprise it was the friendly door to door knockers,,,,aka Johovah Witnesses. What a nice couple, I offered them a beer, and told dude his wife is hotter than a McDonald's French fry right out of the fryer. He wasn't impressed.
So we just watched some football, and I told them, hey my woman will be real excited to know we have another couple stop by, we are swingers. Told them to sit tight, I will go tell her to come out, she's in the shower. So, I got up, went to the bathroom, and heard some scuffling, and the door closed. Obviously, I must have scared them.
When I came back out, they were gone. So, chalk it up as a win for me. They left, I got to enjoy my football game, and nobody else was even home. But I wonder what was going through their mind. Damn J.W.s, that's 3 times I've ran you off. All new crews though, keep them coming, this is fun!!!!!

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