In being a true Redneck and loving some Nascar racing, I have taken it upon myself that the smells of the track need to be brought to the house. Dripping 80/90 oil into my Scentsy warmer to get the smell of hot oil just wasn't enough to get me excited, so I decided to jam up the vacuum cleaner to get the aroma of burning rubber from the belt into the air. It worked.
But you know how hard it is to squeal a belt when you want to? I mean every other time I run the damn thing, it does it automatically, just from popcorn. So, this time, after using duct tape, a screwdriver, and my cell phone charger cord. I got it done, ummmm, the aroma of burning rubber from leaving the pits, or when Danica wrecks someone. This is better than being there at the race LIVE.
The main things I'm missing, is the halter top, braless, toothless chicks, cut off jean shorts, and the hairy back dudes that think they are all that and free beer. I mean to tell you, if you ever think you dress wrong, or look silly, go to a race, you will soon find that you are actually normal. Or what we Nascar junkies call normal. But what is the fun in being normal? It's not all it's cracked up to be. But one thing you just can't miss, is the trailer park toothless chick, who's boobs bounce off her knees when she walks, wearing costume jewelry, and face paint like Tammy Faye Baker. The kind you have to use a drywall hopper sprayer deal on to apply that goop.
The ole, materialistic trailer park girl, every ghetto guys dream, the one with the part time job, of hooker. She buys new skinny jeans, but cuts em off so her thighs can get in, you know exactly who I am talking about, nothing like that cheese bait. But, now that I just turned myself on like a heater in the Arctic, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Showing posts with label nascar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nascar. Show all posts
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Whoop la
Well, being a simple mind, in a simple world, where my visions are kind of like sneaking up from behind and watching what happens. If that makes no sense to you, then here. When I do to the egg section of the grocery store, it fasinates me that they can get them chickens to lay so close to drop them eggs in those cardboard egg holder deals. Imagine how the hands feel from the guy that has to cut off all the stems on the frozen strawberries, I bet they are cold. Who designed the can bisquit to POP after you beat it? That thing is awesome, nothing like taking off the paper and tossing it into bed at your, person of the evening, to see their impression when it blows up.
Some say I am just plan ole sick. But really, I ain't, my views, vision, tunnel vision or whatever you call it, I like to just live each day likes its my last. So, in doing that, I like to call up insurance companies and tell them I need to get a secondary policy on my pecker. Explaining I'm a porn star and if my junk jangles, I'm done. That darn Jeff Gordon got one on his legs, so surely you have something like that for my pecker. The insurance people will look into it and call you back. Ya, call back, of all of them, only 4 did. But man was that not the funniest damn thing I ever done. Try it.
Don't do what I did when you are calling around. I guess everyone has that caller id on their phones now. And why do people call me saying they are cops from a restricted number, and telling me to stop calling this number. I always answer with, I don't call myself you dork, get a job and stop calling me. Well, it looks like they finally traced it down to an address, so off I go, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Some say I am just plan ole sick. But really, I ain't, my views, vision, tunnel vision or whatever you call it, I like to just live each day likes its my last. So, in doing that, I like to call up insurance companies and tell them I need to get a secondary policy on my pecker. Explaining I'm a porn star and if my junk jangles, I'm done. That darn Jeff Gordon got one on his legs, so surely you have something like that for my pecker. The insurance people will look into it and call you back. Ya, call back, of all of them, only 4 did. But man was that not the funniest damn thing I ever done. Try it.
Don't do what I did when you are calling around. I guess everyone has that caller id on their phones now. And why do people call me saying they are cops from a restricted number, and telling me to stop calling this number. I always answer with, I don't call myself you dork, get a job and stop calling me. Well, it looks like they finally traced it down to an address, so off I go, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Nebraska Danger
There is nothing better in Nebraska than some football. The kind of football you can see guys get hit so hard their jock strap stretches out. The kind that makes mouth guards cancel warranties. That's called football.
Now take some of those dudes, pin them up in a 50 yard or so ring, with some padding like a padded up soccer field, and toss them a ball. That is a damn sport. Being so close to the action you can catch a ball, or get sweat flicked in your eye.
Until you been to an IFL game, nothing in life would top it. Take being at a hockey game, with no glass, when they play with footballs instead of a hard plastic object that will make you look like you came from Arkansas, and experience the thrill of 4 quaters. Take an announcer that gets into the game like a shoelace on a players shoe, toss in a couple crazy fired up coaches, and you have the Nebraska Danger.
You have not seen anything in your football days, until you have sat inside, had a cold one, yelled and screamed until you lost your voice, and then walked out with a game ball, cause you catch it, you keep it. It's like 4 quaters of riding the craziest rollercoaster in the front seat.
It's even,,,,,well almost,,,,,better than NASCAR. There are some left turns, crash and burns, pit, tire changes, and if you sit close enough, there are even some exhaust smells in the air. So get your butt out, scream and shout, the year has began where we hang up the "N" and we accept IFL for the winter to keep up warm and give us that FOOTBALL TICKLE we love in Nebraska.
Now take some of those dudes, pin them up in a 50 yard or so ring, with some padding like a padded up soccer field, and toss them a ball. That is a damn sport. Being so close to the action you can catch a ball, or get sweat flicked in your eye.
Until you been to an IFL game, nothing in life would top it. Take being at a hockey game, with no glass, when they play with footballs instead of a hard plastic object that will make you look like you came from Arkansas, and experience the thrill of 4 quaters. Take an announcer that gets into the game like a shoelace on a players shoe, toss in a couple crazy fired up coaches, and you have the Nebraska Danger.
You have not seen anything in your football days, until you have sat inside, had a cold one, yelled and screamed until you lost your voice, and then walked out with a game ball, cause you catch it, you keep it. It's like 4 quaters of riding the craziest rollercoaster in the front seat.
It's even,,,,,well almost,,,,,better than NASCAR. There are some left turns, crash and burns, pit, tire changes, and if you sit close enough, there are even some exhaust smells in the air. So get your butt out, scream and shout, the year has began where we hang up the "N" and we accept IFL for the winter to keep up warm and give us that FOOTBALL TICKLE we love in Nebraska.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
The two N's
What a better night than muscle relaxers, nebraska football, and nascar? I can be a total redneck and not even care. Nor have the power to get my own drink.
So I have trained my leg humping dog to open the fridge, and bring captain soft leg another drink. More that's awesome. But the football game sucks, as always we are like a tampon, only good until the last string. And nascar, it had had more cautions than the big fat lady walking backwards over crap at walmart.
So, on another channel I found jennifer nettles singing to me. I know it was to me because we made that eye contact. She was looking right at me in the tv. God, she is hot, I'm glad she sees me that way too.
I would.........ah heck, green flag, these cars are faster than a black man running from a kkk rally.
And now to watch nebraska try to play football, cause jennifer is obviously on her way to my crib, and when she's here, heck with tv.
So, grab some chair, a good dog, and the remote and enjoy....
So I have trained my leg humping dog to open the fridge, and bring captain soft leg another drink. More that's awesome. But the football game sucks, as always we are like a tampon, only good until the last string. And nascar, it had had more cautions than the big fat lady walking backwards over crap at walmart.
So, on another channel I found jennifer nettles singing to me. I know it was to me because we made that eye contact. She was looking right at me in the tv. God, she is hot, I'm glad she sees me that way too.
I would.........ah heck, green flag, these cars are faster than a black man running from a kkk rally.
And now to watch nebraska try to play football, cause jennifer is obviously on her way to my crib, and when she's here, heck with tv.
So, grab some chair, a good dog, and the remote and enjoy....
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Days of thunder
Rented this movie for the 35th time, days of thunder. Now that all of you know I'm a redneck, with a blue collar, and a bullet, you will understand why I rented it again.
For some reason, when you buy a movie, you never watch it again, so the ones I like, I rent, so it makes it ready for me to watch. So what if I could of owned it.
Nascar Is to me like a animal in a zoo. It is like a ring of all these people just like me, well, some it takes alot of beer to be close, but man, its like paying 45 dollars for a ticket to a family reunion.
So I sit and watch my favorite show, saying the punch lines with them, making me really feel like an actor right with them. But, knowing that I have donated 35 more dollars to them, why can't they make a second one? Cause there isn't a kid who can ride a broom around which is gay? Piss on them.
Back on the mullets, our my bullet, I have the title from a mullet going bald. I earned it!!!! A wollet is a woman mullet, and a t top is the 1986 t bird, with your class tassel from graduation in the mirror, and letter jacket on your shoulders and 501s hugging your ass, joe dirt mullet. That thing is classic, its easier to find than an unicorn, but damn, one really goes over the top to be the greatest nascar lover of all time.
So the moral of my story is, hell, if you have all your hair, grow it trim it who cares, and I see a right turn down at the road. And STOP buying and supporting these gay kids on broom movies when you can have great movies!!!!
No get out there and hit the damn pace car!!!! You've hit everything else on the damn track!!!!!
For some reason, when you buy a movie, you never watch it again, so the ones I like, I rent, so it makes it ready for me to watch. So what if I could of owned it.
Nascar Is to me like a animal in a zoo. It is like a ring of all these people just like me, well, some it takes alot of beer to be close, but man, its like paying 45 dollars for a ticket to a family reunion.
So I sit and watch my favorite show, saying the punch lines with them, making me really feel like an actor right with them. But, knowing that I have donated 35 more dollars to them, why can't they make a second one? Cause there isn't a kid who can ride a broom around which is gay? Piss on them.
Back on the mullets, our my bullet, I have the title from a mullet going bald. I earned it!!!! A wollet is a woman mullet, and a t top is the 1986 t bird, with your class tassel from graduation in the mirror, and letter jacket on your shoulders and 501s hugging your ass, joe dirt mullet. That thing is classic, its easier to find than an unicorn, but damn, one really goes over the top to be the greatest nascar lover of all time.
So the moral of my story is, hell, if you have all your hair, grow it trim it who cares, and I see a right turn down at the road. And STOP buying and supporting these gay kids on broom movies when you can have great movies!!!!
No get out there and hit the damn pace car!!!! You've hit everything else on the damn track!!!!!
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)