This crap of for one second bein’ about 80 degrees out where I can wear my
speedo while sitting out on the porch sippin sweet tea and the next morning
waking up with 30 degree temps is for the skunks. Is it to much to ask that we
don’t believe a stupid rodent named Phil from Philadelphia? The last guy I knew
from Philly didn’t know his asshole from a hole in the ground and we run our
lives off of something that is uglier than my ex wife’s sister in a bikini with a thong
up her crack. … Now that right there is an image for ya! All 250 lbs of golf ball
dimpled as. When that lady (loosely termed – Pun intended) walks, it makes Bill
Cosby jealous of Jello. She has more wiggle than an earthworm on a fishing
hook that’s danglin’ in front of a large mouth bass. And that mouth of her’s could
swallow grass carp whole. But enough about the beauty queen for this Blog…
So why this weather then? That ole Assistant President Gore the whore always
said it was global warming. Well, that sure ain’t a sign, I been using stick
deodorant for years, and nothing has changed in my world that’s for sure. Hot
summers, cold winters. I say it’s just a part of a little thing we call seasons, I
know, give me my Piece Prize now, for doing absolutely nothing like the rest
of the banjo pickers for the Mormon Tallywacker Choir getting theirs, by doing
NOTHING. I have scooped 5 inches of partly cloudy white stuff, and then been
rained on with no chance of rain, All in he same week!!. Someone somewhere
is gonna get a talking to by yours truly. I wonder what all is going on upstairs
to make thim think, Ha! watch this trick. I tell ya what, when, and if, I get up
there, I need to have me some questions answered. Then I can just say well,
in Nebraska, this is how it is suppose to go… Then I’ll set that dial on the
thermometer and gradually move it up and down, They’ll be none of this bumping
the temp like a 5 year old playing football in the hallway, and then hip checkin’
the dial. Just nice and easy all done by yours truly… , oh, speaking of nice and
easy, don’t be silly wrap ole willy.
Showing posts with label summer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label summer. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Summer Time
It coming about that time of year when flip flops, corns, bunyans, and all the other nice things come out. Not to forget, warmer weather, no frost, panting dogs, and armpit sweat. It's it just lovely to think of summer around the corner? Oh must I forget, Walmart, the time we see daisy dukes on golf ball dimpled legs, Frito toenails, half shirts, and droopy stomachs. And the best time of year, the line up for the fairs. Nothing gets me more excited than the fair coming to town, where else in America can we run down and wait in line to have some toothless Jane or Joe make us a funnel cake?
The weather is getting warmer, incase you haven't noticed, and the days are getting longer, hints to why your ass is being pulled in a wagon behind you every morning. But we as Americans stand up, sweat loud and be proud. Talk about some strange happenings, I was abducted by aliens the other night, oddest thing that ever did happen to me. Thank God they let me go when they found out I didn't speak English.
But on the other hand, living in central Nebraska, not only do we have the County Fair that brings in all the Walmart shopper look-a-likes, we also have the State Fair. That's right, our metropolis, the only place the mayor can get a DUI and stay in office, but the Lt. Governor calls a chick on his phone and gets the boot, we are proud to host such an event. We can attract some of the strangest ducks, from a 60 year old with perfect circular boobs and winkled up like a scrotum on a 90 year old, but wearing that bikini top. God bless us, or help us, either way we are upside down.
Ole Large Marge is straining the grease from last year, and getting her permits ready, charging up her golf cart, and saving money by cutting off the arms on her t-shirts. But, we all know she makes killer fried foods, and we can't wait to lubricate our intestines with her delights. You all know me, I say toss on some strawberries or cherries and call it healthy. Dang skippy. Dig in, grab some paper towels to help stop the grease from running down your elbow, beings we can't lick our elbows, or maybe Celo Green can, humm, that should be on Mythbusters.
But when it starts warming up, don't forget, bathe, mow the yard, do all the honey do crap you have put off all winter, and find a good beach with scenery that is good on a mans eyes. Not looking for the chick that goes in the tanning bed smoking a cig, trying to just put on a front, but I'm talking a sharp dressed swimsuit wearing hottie. And when ya find it, let your balls drop, start off a chat, and then don't be silly wrap ole willy.
The weather is getting warmer, incase you haven't noticed, and the days are getting longer, hints to why your ass is being pulled in a wagon behind you every morning. But we as Americans stand up, sweat loud and be proud. Talk about some strange happenings, I was abducted by aliens the other night, oddest thing that ever did happen to me. Thank God they let me go when they found out I didn't speak English.
But on the other hand, living in central Nebraska, not only do we have the County Fair that brings in all the Walmart shopper look-a-likes, we also have the State Fair. That's right, our metropolis, the only place the mayor can get a DUI and stay in office, but the Lt. Governor calls a chick on his phone and gets the boot, we are proud to host such an event. We can attract some of the strangest ducks, from a 60 year old with perfect circular boobs and winkled up like a scrotum on a 90 year old, but wearing that bikini top. God bless us, or help us, either way we are upside down.
Ole Large Marge is straining the grease from last year, and getting her permits ready, charging up her golf cart, and saving money by cutting off the arms on her t-shirts. But, we all know she makes killer fried foods, and we can't wait to lubricate our intestines with her delights. You all know me, I say toss on some strawberries or cherries and call it healthy. Dang skippy. Dig in, grab some paper towels to help stop the grease from running down your elbow, beings we can't lick our elbows, or maybe Celo Green can, humm, that should be on Mythbusters.
But when it starts warming up, don't forget, bathe, mow the yard, do all the honey do crap you have put off all winter, and find a good beach with scenery that is good on a mans eyes. Not looking for the chick that goes in the tanning bed smoking a cig, trying to just put on a front, but I'm talking a sharp dressed swimsuit wearing hottie. And when ya find it, let your balls drop, start off a chat, and then don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
What were they thinking?
Who is the idiot that thought putting a hair net inside mens swim trunks? were they sitting around one day and thought, gosh this will keep the guy from getting a woodie at the pool? They made the holes large enough for a penny to fall out of, the elastic is tighter than an 87 year old nun that cuts the circulation off going down the legs.
So then when you get out of the water, your so uncomfortable you can't lift your leg in worries the elastic will cut one off, and going down a high speed slide and all that junk gets thrown up your the crack of your butt is NOT fun. You have to pull it out when you get stood up so people don't laugh, and your butt hairs are all twinned up in the netting, so them the battle begins, one large tug, jump, and holler is a sure tale sign all or most of your butt hair is now in the netting.
Then when you get home and change, your laundry person in your house always has to ask, wtf did you smuggle in your trunks at the pool? A damn gerbil, what do you think it was? I have learned that DO NOT remove them before wearing, they do keep your junk under control. Do not make them of silk, you tote around a teepee all day, and you can't wear normal under wear because it gives you a rash. So, what I think is we need is a mankini! Bikini bottom for men that women can't see. But until then, I will remain to have patches of missing hair on my butt, so please don't laugh when I moon you.
So then when you get out of the water, your so uncomfortable you can't lift your leg in worries the elastic will cut one off, and going down a high speed slide and all that junk gets thrown up your the crack of your butt is NOT fun. You have to pull it out when you get stood up so people don't laugh, and your butt hairs are all twinned up in the netting, so them the battle begins, one large tug, jump, and holler is a sure tale sign all or most of your butt hair is now in the netting.
Then when you get home and change, your laundry person in your house always has to ask, wtf did you smuggle in your trunks at the pool? A damn gerbil, what do you think it was? I have learned that DO NOT remove them before wearing, they do keep your junk under control. Do not make them of silk, you tote around a teepee all day, and you can't wear normal under wear because it gives you a rash. So, what I think is we need is a mankini! Bikini bottom for men that women can't see. But until then, I will remain to have patches of missing hair on my butt, so please don't laugh when I moon you.
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