Potty Training

Man, it took my 5 years to get my first kid potty trained. 3 of those were trying to get him to stop peeing outside on the tree. Heck, first kid, first problem, second was diapers were going up in price, I had a solution, taught him men piss on trees. Never bought another diaper, nor did I realize the thought he was going to fall in and drown in the toilet water. I tell ya, when we finally dropped the canoe in to see if it would float or had a hole in it, aka take a shit, and for some reason ALL KIDS have to have someone wipe them. If you don't answer to the ole "I'm done, wipe please," you have shared your loss of dignity when you walk in and your son has ASSUMED THE POSITION. God, I tell you, I didn't know what to do, or what to say, so I asked the priest to step to the side, and got the job done. The priest was just a joke, sorry Baptist.
Now with my girl, this was cake walk, no princess potties in her fluffy undies. You notice the different when it comes to girl talk, so you completely understand how FREAKING HARD IT IS TO DO IT. So we had to come up with our own fairy tale language. Like "lets go have a talk to Mr. Elgin", the name on the damn toilet. Now this was pretty damn easy until I figured out not every toilet in America has Elgin on it, now that was a crock of crap if I ever seen one. When we walked in, with me closing her eyes, under my jacket, with duct tape to make sure she wasn't peeking at the stand ups, I don't want her laughing at a guy, if she goes in kicking and screaming, most guys know the drill, someones going to get their ass whipped. So having a fairy tale conversation going thru to the stall does not have the meaning of "we got shit to take care of". Plus talking fairy tale going into a men's room would probably get my ass kicked, or make me an Obama supporter, or chicken sandwich runner awayer from. So, she was the easiest, by far. Swallow my pride and say we conquered the world at age 2, and ALWAYS in an inside potty.
Then comes the master blaster, the ole 7 year old, this dude could piss down a football field and never break stream. I don't know where he gets it from, it mom wasn't a squirter, and I look like a shotgun going off because ever since I got a barbell put in it,, that's another story. He can hold it for about 3 hours and then have to go and every time I hear the blast hit the splash clear in the other room. When I changed his diaper, he did have alot of me, so I know it's not cause it's small. If I could find those in a store, that nozzle would blast the paint off a car with a garden hose. So, being constructive, I taught him how to blast stains on the toilet off. His wife is going to love me someday. I just hope I don't have to teach her too. But this kid, his only problem is he is a shitting talker. He HAS to have someone to shoot the crap with when he is stinking up the bathroom. And the kid is all legs, his mom had them pretzel legs, you know, the ones you wrap around ya and tie them behind ya. He will talk about what he is doing, where he is going, what's going on tomorrow, and always what time does he have to go to bed. Now the first few days of this was no big issue, but come on, 5 years has been WAY to long. Well, now I'm wondering if his wife will like me. But, I have fixed the issue, and that's where my 3 year old comes to play.
Don't be silly wrap ole willy,,,,,sorry I ain't done a blog in so long.