Diamonds are 4eva

So, as I was out and about Christmas doing my shopping because the Mayans SUCK and didn't save me any money. I noticed how many suckers there were in the bling bling shops. Now, first off, dudes, I know alot about bling bling, and I'm now going to share with you, for what it's worth.
When you go into a store and there is a karat ring for $5,000, and one for $10,000 I always ask, why the hell. So, the little Indian, with a dot, gives me this pirate looking device to check out the clarity. Do yo see that speckle in the diamond. Absolutely NOT, but I do see a dickhead on the other side of the counter trying to screw me. Now, really, when people walk around with one of these one eye telescope ring blasters on their eyes, I will worry about it. Until then, I am getting what I want. And then he has nothing to say.
And ladies, if a dude buys you a huge ring for any occasion, he's cheating. If you don't believe me, just ask Kobe. And if you have a little ring, that is the guy that really needs you, not only because he thinks little things matter, but the fact he also could use an additional income, so keep on working.
And WTF is up with this I need to upgrade shit? Come on, every year?? Really?? How many times have us men been fooled by our ladies buying those brownie candles, and we walk in thinking she has cooked for us, only to find out we are going to be drooling on ourselves, tummy gurgling, craving brownies all night all because of a damn candle? That's pig crap if you ask me. You want to do something cool, go buy a diamond upgrade scented candle and burn that bitch all day before she get's home. Same thing. Exactly the same thing.
So, the next time you are out just wondering around, go ahead and take the cheaper diamond, it's not like she ain't gonna want a bigger one next year, so start small, REAL small and work your way up, and in the mean time, I am going to work out a fragrance for this diamond upgrade bullshit all the ladies have been tricked into believing to keep up with the Jones. If you want to do something neat and unique, knock her up, nothing say's I love you more than having her waddle around for 9 months with your "I got laid trophy".
But all leading to all, never trust the Indian with the dot on the other side of the counter trying to sell you clarity you can't see with the naked eye, burn candles, and remember, a ring don't close a hole, but a rock does. Until then, don't be silly, wrap ole willy, unless ya want a trophy!!!! Diamonds are 4 eva bullshit, diamonds are great until next year!!!

Some Time Off

As most of you followers have noticed, I have taken some time off. Not because I found a woman to make me a sandwich, but the holidays are coming and that always leads to having to switch some show material around, and then trying to figure out how to make it "G" rated. That's like trying to say John Holmes can be a preacher sometimes. I tell ya, I get more frustrated than a puppy locked in a kennel at times. But I think I may have thought of some bits, and so lets test them out like a cheap girl you just snagged from the bar.

Went to my ex's house the other day, and she had a door pillow knitted thing on the knob, which was very suiting beings everyone has had their turn, and the pillow said HO HO HO, so I told her nice name plate. That worked out as good as stealing gas next to a police station for me.

The ole JW's came around, for those of you that are not following, the Jehovah Witnesses, wanted to share their off-beat religion with me, I asked if they believed in Santa, and they said who, I told them to get out how the hell am I suppose to get a new TV for Christmas if I roll their way.

The new Black Ops 2 on PlayStation came out, the last time Call of Duty came out, I regained my virginity, this time I am buying the new game for my teenage son to preserve his.

I keep going to the bar and trying to find me a Santa's helper chick like I see in my DVD collection at the house, I guess I'm going to have to sell it to some Sifi collector.

The good thing about getting crappy gifts for Christmas is that leads to one less present I have to buy next year. Thanks mom.

The elections are really scaring me, have you seen how much Mitt looks like Walter from Jeff Dunham?? We are hoping to get rid of the Cabbage Patch Kid in office now, and replaced with someone with googly eyes and a stick up his ass? What are the odds.

I love snow, I may be about 40 years old, but I've got a lot wiser. When I make snow angels naked in my neighbors yard they always come out looking like a naked chick stopped by.

I love this new photo shop, I can take a picture of a lady at the bar and make her clothes come off, print the picture, and mail an I'm sorry letter with the picture to her husband.

I see you have over 50 pictures with you and your friends at the bars, and only one of your child, maybe you should stay home and pretend to be that great mother your not.

So when your mind is a racing car and your fingers are the track, sometimes lines are good and sometimes not so good. If ya would let me know which are kickers and which are shitters, that would be great. Nothing like having a HUGE audience of participation, I feel like that Bobette guy after my wife drinks slice. Well, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.

Christmas Time

The greatest thing about this holiday season is the candycanes, and I get to see who in my family really cooks. I mean, back south, when I lived there, KFC was open, and a bucket of chicken was the replacement for the ham. Maybe chicken is easier to chew with no teeth?
But nothing is better than the days when pops went out and knocked the head off a chicken, brought it inside and grandma cooked it up. Like that darn rooster they use to have. That thing was so mean it use to chase me all around the yard, trying to peck my eye out. I use to have to carry a stick just to collect eggs, he would have made a great REPO Chicken, that big mean thing could get anything from anyone.
But one day, gramps said that he died and granny made chicken noodle soup, and I ate that little bastard until I couldn't eat no more. HA! I got the last laugh!
But anyways, back onto Christmas, if my family got together and one person didn't start the annual farting contest, or seeing what kind of noisy toy they could send the cousins home with, it would be pretty darn good. But, here we go, packing the bags like Juan Valdez and some coffee, taking off, headed south, all going to pile into Grannys 1 bedroom house for a whole afternoon, and sit around, eat, fart, watch some football, and then have the dogs do dishes.
Christmas just don't get any better in my world.

black friday

What a crock of refried beans and spaghetti corporate America was to have such a holiday. The time of the year they prove how greedy they are 11 months out of the year by showing us how low they can sell the crap we buy. So, really? A TV at $188 when the next day its $299.

But we are the ones being like a kid in a candy store, camping out, waiting, having the shakes to read the ads and "priming" ourselves to act like cattle getting loaded into a trailer. But, we blow the money we don't have from the jobs the government made cut us, to show them we like deals.

Heck, its the one time of year you can finally act like a thug and take things out of other peoples cart, hip check people out of the way, and the occasional elbow to the ribs to get this corporate candy before someone does the same. I love it!!!! Finally a day I can treat everyone in my way like an ex!!! Life is great!!!

So until the greatest bash your ass holiday of the year, we wait, dreaming of more cool stuff to buy at a great price, and talking about how we whipped ass and got you cheap Christmas presents. If we were smart, we would celebrate Christmas after Christmas when you can buy more Christmas stuff for less money. Loving Black Fridays!!!!!

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