What is it about great big dudes in leather that all these chicks just can't get enough of? I mean, little chicks, and big ole motorcycle guys. I don't get it, don't he split you open like a can opener in the heat of the night? I mean, gosh darn, I guess I need more McDonald's and a Harley to check this out. And why do they get a bad wrap? Those guys are the funnest people around.
If I was as big as some of them, I would go into a bar and just toss people around like panties in the night. But, I guess I'm not, I have a hard time holding my thing when I'm peeing, let alone some hairy skinny guy. So the other day, I got me some clothes, that I thought came with the attitude. I got some chaps, one of them bandoleer things for my hair, some boots, and ripped off the sleeves to an American Eagle shirt to go out and be Mr Badass. Something about a dude in a SOUL just didn't start the night off right.
So I climb out of the car, skipping steps up to the door because I can, damn near fell twice. Swung open and door, and the original thing happen. It got completely QUIET. So I click clunked my way up to the bar, shoulders back, chin up high to stretch out my double chin, and fist's clinched. That's when I started hearing the giggles. No everyone knows, you don't laugh at the big bad guy at the bar.
I have no idea what this bars problem was. You think it was the pink shirt? Pink flame bandoleer on my head or my red shit kickers? I have no idea, tough is tough, but I figured out it had to be I forgot to shave my ass before I put on the chaps. There was no reason to be silly and forget to wrap ole willy that night.
Showing posts with label Kia SOUL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kia SOUL. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Hitting crap
Over the trials of learning how to drive, I have hit some pretty cool things in my day in my car. Starting from, our mailbox, parents garage door, ran my dad's car into my mom's car, high centered on a rock, and this weekend, I added a dog, coyote, and opossum to the list.
Kinda cool, rolled out of South Dakota early Sunday morning, and for some damn reason, at 3:40 a.m. someone thought it was a great time to let a damn dog out to take a shit by a highway. Well, it isn't that cool of an idea now and they won't do it again, All I seen was this black glare and then a thump thump. I could of stopped, but beings a dog lover, and having 2 1/2 hours more to go, I decided to keep going. It was darker than a Sudanese man with his mouth and eyes closed, all be damn if I was stopping out in the middle of nowhere, the only house around was obviously the people that were going to kill me. So I drove, and just kept thinking, all be damn, never hit on of them.
Then about an hour later, thump thump, God dang again, now this time, the dog was kinda bigger, was a damn coyote. Hit that bastard too, what the hell was he thinking it was early in the morning, he had to see my lights, not even the stars were shining, it was dark. The ole Soul should have high centered on that damn thing, he didn't hit the tires, so the thump thump was more of a kar plug ding dunk dung. The only good thing about it was my bumper was already torn up due to an iceberg jumping out in front of me while I was texting this winter, and is going to the body Dr next Monday. Gotta get my grill fixed.
And then about 30 minutes from home, all be damn if I didn't hit a opossum that was in the road. We call them rats on roids. I have no freaking idea if he was alive or playing dead, and it was still as dark as my ex wife's other personality, and I wasn't stopping for shit. Not that I am afraid of the dark, cause I just maybe, and maybe not, I do know one thing, if I am with someone, I ain't scared of the dark, and I'm not silly, I wrap ole willy.
Kinda cool, rolled out of South Dakota early Sunday morning, and for some damn reason, at 3:40 a.m. someone thought it was a great time to let a damn dog out to take a shit by a highway. Well, it isn't that cool of an idea now and they won't do it again, All I seen was this black glare and then a thump thump. I could of stopped, but beings a dog lover, and having 2 1/2 hours more to go, I decided to keep going. It was darker than a Sudanese man with his mouth and eyes closed, all be damn if I was stopping out in the middle of nowhere, the only house around was obviously the people that were going to kill me. So I drove, and just kept thinking, all be damn, never hit on of them.
Then about an hour later, thump thump, God dang again, now this time, the dog was kinda bigger, was a damn coyote. Hit that bastard too, what the hell was he thinking it was early in the morning, he had to see my lights, not even the stars were shining, it was dark. The ole Soul should have high centered on that damn thing, he didn't hit the tires, so the thump thump was more of a kar plug ding dunk dung. The only good thing about it was my bumper was already torn up due to an iceberg jumping out in front of me while I was texting this winter, and is going to the body Dr next Monday. Gotta get my grill fixed.
And then about 30 minutes from home, all be damn if I didn't hit a opossum that was in the road. We call them rats on roids. I have no freaking idea if he was alive or playing dead, and it was still as dark as my ex wife's other personality, and I wasn't stopping for shit. Not that I am afraid of the dark, cause I just maybe, and maybe not, I do know one thing, if I am with someone, I ain't scared of the dark, and I'm not silly, I wrap ole willy.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Easter at Home
Ah, the night before ole Easter, screaming kids, fighting brothers, druken uncle, and the joys of candy. For some reason, now my chetlins are thinking candy is in EVERY EGG. So not fair to me, nor the dog. I mean the damn dog can only lap up so much yolk in a day, before she has the scrambled shits. The time of year we bitch about the price of eggs, but spend money on plastic ones. Now what a concept. I have no idear where this bunny came up, but here's how I handle this.
The day before Easter, I round up the chetlings, load em up in the car and head out. What I have done, is now refered to as "the American Economy Way", the hunt begins. I drive down every street where is an opportunity for find rabbits. Then, the anti Easter autopilot kicks in, and who knew a SOUL could do such great steering off road. Well, on grass. I find that first rabbit and kapow, run that sucker over when the kids are watching. Then I flip the car back out on the street, take out the chetlings, and pose for the annual Redneck Me Easter photo.
My kids now understand, the bunny is dead so Easter has been cancelled. It is so great that Easter is on a Sunday, cause the next day we all go to church, the kids, talk about running over the rabbit and not getting any candy this year. And I am playing the whole lost my job can't afford to get anything but gas for my car, but I will take some donations. Then, after church, we take off, a headed home with money in my pocket. Not everyone can get paid to go to church other than a preacher. So, now, thanks for paying the electric, and I need to get to bed, I have to work in the morning. Don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
The day before Easter, I round up the chetlings, load em up in the car and head out. What I have done, is now refered to as "the American Economy Way", the hunt begins. I drive down every street where is an opportunity for find rabbits. Then, the anti Easter autopilot kicks in, and who knew a SOUL could do such great steering off road. Well, on grass. I find that first rabbit and kapow, run that sucker over when the kids are watching. Then I flip the car back out on the street, take out the chetlings, and pose for the annual Redneck Me Easter photo.
My kids now understand, the bunny is dead so Easter has been cancelled. It is so great that Easter is on a Sunday, cause the next day we all go to church, the kids, talk about running over the rabbit and not getting any candy this year. And I am playing the whole lost my job can't afford to get anything but gas for my car, but I will take some donations. Then, after church, we take off, a headed home with money in my pocket. Not everyone can get paid to go to church other than a preacher. So, now, thanks for paying the electric, and I need to get to bed, I have to work in the morning. Don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
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