Some who know me, know the story, but most don't. So, here it is, tossing it out there, because if just ONE person reads it, and it makes sense, I have done my job.
It was a perfectly clear morning on October 30, 2006, with some wind, which is not out of the norm in Nebraska, I drove down to Red Cloud to pick up some cattle so people could have some hamburgers and steak for dinner. I was to get 36 but there were only 32 left, so I loaded them. Driving up from Red Cloud, the cows decided to play soccer or something in the back, and pulled me off the right side of the road, and I remember looking straight up in the air, and then a crash and grind. I knocked my semi and trailer onto the passenger side of the cab, and went shooting sparks down the highway. I made it 156 feet, and never crossed the center line. If I had, we would have lost a mother and 2 kids that were headed right at me.
I came to a stop and then tried to climb out, I was in alot of pain, but for some reason I thought the truck was going to blow up, beings I had just filled both tanks with 110 gallons of diesel. But I knew I was hurt. I laid in the ditch until the medics arrived, and then they toted me into the ER in Hastings. I did all I needed to do, and x-rays and all that good stuff, being I could hardly breath or walk.
They gave me 3 codeine pills and said I was bruised up and going to be sore in the morning. Well, it was sore the next morning, I couldn't even move. My parents came down and picked me up from my house in Hastings, and off we went to Grand Island, to the ER. I got me a CT Scan, and then all I knew I ended up being rushed to the VA in Omaha. Whoops, Hastings missed some important stuff and sent me home when I was hurt beyond their care. So I get to the ER at the VA, and doc comes in and says your the guy with the bruised spleen, broken back and ribs. I said, I am??? I knew I was the guy that was just going to have some bruises, but damn, did I fall out of bed last night or what??
Yep, even laying jacked up on pain meds, I can be funny. I was sent upstairs for a hospital stay. I stayed 4 days in which my wife at the time stayed one with me. Which was fine. I got me a turtle shell to wear for about 4 months while my 2 vertebra's healed from being broken, and we watched my spleen like a baby chicken in a coop with a coon. It kept getting bigger and bigger.
Finally, after about 6 months, I came to a point where it was hard to breath, and my spleen hurt. So, we decided we needed to take it out. But the problem was, my platelet count was WAY low. So I had to do some biopsy's first to make sure I didn't have cancer, which on top of everything else, about eats ya up. It all came back that my spleen was hording my platelets, and therefore causing the drop. So we take out the spleen, and I'm in ICU for I think 2 days, still to this day it is fuzzy. My spleen which was 9 inches long and weighed 10 lbs, was the largest they have ever seen, and they have no idea how it didn't burst. If it does burst, you only have seconds.
But in the mean time, my wife at the time, was telling me I needed to get back to work and get a job. While she going to school. Telling me I was worthless, and she hoped I did have cancer. She was only with me in the hospital for 1 day out of a week, and I had to get me some blood and was ONE SICK DUDE. All came out well, I was on the mend, and still getting torn down at home.
In total I was off work for 16 months. That is when it came to me, God has a direction in my life, and no matter what I try to do to avoid what it is he wants me to do, you will loose. So I stopped and took a hard look at things. First off, I needed a divorce, and when I brought it up on time, it was granted, and she tried to keep my son from me for 5 months. But, I just bit my lip, wrote jokes from it, and moved on. With family support.
I got my spleen removed, which means, my immune system SUCKS, if you sneeze anywhere near me, I will be sick the next day. But, other than that I'm just me. I do avoid hospitals. Just for my own sake.
So I got me a divorce, and one day, I was told by a friend I needed to do a show and get back on the road. Well, that is tough, especially starting out, I've been down that road before. So I accepted the challenge, and found out that people can really relate to me, I just bring out the everyday occurrences and make them funny. But in the mean time, the old bitch I got rid of, was trying to bust me down and bust me down. Then she decided to move to keep my son away from me, and moved way out west. He hates it, and isn't happy, the court system just gives me material like D.C. and I'm me, I'm a tough SOB and I know who my God is, and he is the only one going to tell me what to do and not to do. So, I am on the road, doing what I love to do, writing, selling, and working my butt off to become what I call my own superstar. My goal is to have my ex have to see me on T.V. Just to I can get the last smile and grin. Knowing it comes from deep inside. The nights I was trying to heal and she would kick my back, make me mow in my back brace, tell me I was worthless cause I wasn't working, and all along she had herself a boyfriend and that is why she couldn't stay in the hospital with me.
Well, I'm not Karma, one day she will have to answer, and I know she will lie, but it was the bitter chilly morning of October 30, 2006 that changed my life, made me move on, be happier than I ever have, and if I can wake up everyday and make someone laugh, I have accepted my challenge. That is who I am, I don't have time for abuse, I don't have time to sit around and hear how you are better than me because you are getting a Dr. degree online for counseling, I am me, I'm funny, people like me, and I'm going to make it BIG TIME or atleast die trying with a smile on my face and someone elses. I'm no better than anyone, I'm just me, I have been down a dark road and figured out what I needed to do, and am doing it. So, if you come to a show and your sick cool, I'll make you smile and then run so I don't catch it. But everyone needs to stop and think in the world, what can I do to make a better place, what is it that I am really suppose to be doing? If you aren't happy, only you can change it, I can make ya laugh, but that's only temporary.
The joys of life and being tossed some bad cards, I have made the best of it, and I NEVER get real personal to just anyone, but I'm tossing it out there so everyone knows me better than they did yesterday. Crap happens, get up, dust off and move on. Ya I may be bitter about my ex, but that is my right, and it keeps me pumped to exceed my dreams!!! So, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Political Debate
As most of you know, this world is in much needed help for repair. It's kind of like when your so called friends gave you ex-lax and told you it was chocolate bars. There is nothing more than having over filled your britches and foaming from the ankles more than a country that has crazy ideas thrown at them by some guy that wishes he had a binder full of women. I don't know what all is going on, I know the way we are going this plane is gonna crash and shit ain't gonna be good. I mean, why do we all stand on the sidewalk and just wait for the big one, I love me some NASCAR, but dang, when it comes to D.C. and my kids having to suffer, I guess it's time we change a few things.
First off, let's make weed legal. The whole aspect of crime will come down, people will not have enough motivation to rob stores, beat people up, shoot guns at each other. Nobody has ever overdosed on weed alone, but on the bright side, it will cause little Debbie sales to increase, bring Betty crocker back economically, and help with the shortage of cops in towns. With less crime, we need less cops, tax the crap and lets do this.
Take some of the tax money and help out the fire fighters, because we all know not everyone has bong water, in which a fire can be put out with. So we may have an increase of fires, or atleast some burn marks on clothes and stuff, so we can help the dudes that can put out the big one.
We as Americans can just sit on the sidewalk and watch the cars go by, or we can get off our butts and do something so the dog don't get hit when crossing the street. Stand up, make a stand, believe in what you want, but share it, dare it, and carry thru with it. I guess it all comes back to the time my mom ran over our dog when I was a kid, I know she did it on purpose because I was holding it at the time. From that day forward, I have not held a dog around a car, because I believe I don't have 9 lives. I really don't care who gets office along as it is someone different, who won't take away my guns.
Guns don't kill people, people do, that is like saying McDonald's needs to shut down because they make people fat. Oh wait, they serve Diet Coke so that makes it all better. The crazy thing that has happen this last January is our own Veterans who gave their sacrifice for this country, and got thrown in war because of our leaders, also had their gun rights taken from them because they have mental health issues. They are the ones that will stand up to the bad guys with the guns for the people. That would be like closing all the movie theaters down because someone got shot in one, or taking all the cop cars from the cops because one cop wrecked one. Some times we have to stop, look at the real picture, and wonder,,,what were they thinking.
As the election get's closer, and we have the right to change what needs changed, stand up, be proud, be an American and vote. If you decide to drink first, drink, then all is well and do it then, it can't be worse than what is happening inside government housing. But if you don't care and want to stay home and do nothing, then don't be silly wrap ole willy.
First off, let's make weed legal. The whole aspect of crime will come down, people will not have enough motivation to rob stores, beat people up, shoot guns at each other. Nobody has ever overdosed on weed alone, but on the bright side, it will cause little Debbie sales to increase, bring Betty crocker back economically, and help with the shortage of cops in towns. With less crime, we need less cops, tax the crap and lets do this.
Take some of the tax money and help out the fire fighters, because we all know not everyone has bong water, in which a fire can be put out with. So we may have an increase of fires, or atleast some burn marks on clothes and stuff, so we can help the dudes that can put out the big one.
We as Americans can just sit on the sidewalk and watch the cars go by, or we can get off our butts and do something so the dog don't get hit when crossing the street. Stand up, make a stand, believe in what you want, but share it, dare it, and carry thru with it. I guess it all comes back to the time my mom ran over our dog when I was a kid, I know she did it on purpose because I was holding it at the time. From that day forward, I have not held a dog around a car, because I believe I don't have 9 lives. I really don't care who gets office along as it is someone different, who won't take away my guns.
Guns don't kill people, people do, that is like saying McDonald's needs to shut down because they make people fat. Oh wait, they serve Diet Coke so that makes it all better. The crazy thing that has happen this last January is our own Veterans who gave their sacrifice for this country, and got thrown in war because of our leaders, also had their gun rights taken from them because they have mental health issues. They are the ones that will stand up to the bad guys with the guns for the people. That would be like closing all the movie theaters down because someone got shot in one, or taking all the cop cars from the cops because one cop wrecked one. Some times we have to stop, look at the real picture, and wonder,,,what were they thinking.
As the election get's closer, and we have the right to change what needs changed, stand up, be proud, be an American and vote. If you decide to drink first, drink, then all is well and do it then, it can't be worse than what is happening inside government housing. But if you don't care and want to stay home and do nothing, then don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Life as me
As a stand up, we often run into that one special person that cannot stand to be poked on, or brought out into public humiliation. For some reason, we love to eat them up. For instance, a gay cop, a short fat cop, an old cop, see anything going on here? We love to pick on cops, why, cause they always try to be so serious, and have people look up to them, to be a leader, these were the kids that would quit playing neighborhood football when they were loosing, the one's that always wanted to pick teams, the ones who wanted to be Captain of a sports team, but were never good enough, so they said a big FU and got a badge and gun so people would HAVE to abide by them.
All in all, cops are way underpaid, I personally would not be a cop, there is no way your going to send me into a gaggle of immigrants to try to break up a fight, nor can I deal with people that hurt kids. I would have one motto, Shoot now, question later. I would be that one cop everyone knows, and laughs with while we are eating donuts everyday about 8 am.
In every crowd you have the one shut out, don't pick on me, I don't want to sit up towards the front, I'm scared I'm going to be the butt of the joke, well, guess what? We know who you are and there is NO hiding. But when ya have had enough liquid courage, we will get ya, just when you think you are all WHEW he missed me, like a fish going after a rubber worm, we set that hook and reel ya in. I strive to get that one person, and then just let everyone know how they think.
Although we are not perfect in any means, I can walk on water when I see a snake, but I love to push the envelope, I guess I have done this all my life, and nothing is better than seeing a cop, lawyer, teacher, or any other person sit in their chair and try to slip under the table and get upset. But when it is all over, most of these people are upset, but get over it, pull your pants up, just cause your you don't make you any better than any other person, so stop and think to yourself, what am I doing or how am I acting to have someone pick up on me? But sometimes, we are wrong in hitting on the wrong person, but we get the vibe, and move off quickly. That is our job, people think things about other people are funny, and nobody likes to be the butt of the joke, so your in a lose lose world when you take the stage, and if we can turn this world around to everyone having fun, laughing, joking, not caring what others think, and stop trying to be to big for our britches, maybe we can get somewhere, or go back in time's to the early 90's when we all had fun. But if you decide to have fun, and for some reason try to pick up a hooker wearing them big tall leather boots and all dressed up, remember, Lincoln Nebraska has bike cops, and they don't like being hit on. But if ya score, and not get a ticket, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
All in all, cops are way underpaid, I personally would not be a cop, there is no way your going to send me into a gaggle of immigrants to try to break up a fight, nor can I deal with people that hurt kids. I would have one motto, Shoot now, question later. I would be that one cop everyone knows, and laughs with while we are eating donuts everyday about 8 am.
In every crowd you have the one shut out, don't pick on me, I don't want to sit up towards the front, I'm scared I'm going to be the butt of the joke, well, guess what? We know who you are and there is NO hiding. But when ya have had enough liquid courage, we will get ya, just when you think you are all WHEW he missed me, like a fish going after a rubber worm, we set that hook and reel ya in. I strive to get that one person, and then just let everyone know how they think.
Although we are not perfect in any means, I can walk on water when I see a snake, but I love to push the envelope, I guess I have done this all my life, and nothing is better than seeing a cop, lawyer, teacher, or any other person sit in their chair and try to slip under the table and get upset. But when it is all over, most of these people are upset, but get over it, pull your pants up, just cause your you don't make you any better than any other person, so stop and think to yourself, what am I doing or how am I acting to have someone pick up on me? But sometimes, we are wrong in hitting on the wrong person, but we get the vibe, and move off quickly. That is our job, people think things about other people are funny, and nobody likes to be the butt of the joke, so your in a lose lose world when you take the stage, and if we can turn this world around to everyone having fun, laughing, joking, not caring what others think, and stop trying to be to big for our britches, maybe we can get somewhere, or go back in time's to the early 90's when we all had fun. But if you decide to have fun, and for some reason try to pick up a hooker wearing them big tall leather boots and all dressed up, remember, Lincoln Nebraska has bike cops, and they don't like being hit on. But if ya score, and not get a ticket, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Can I borrow 20
All of us have that one special friend we don't hear from for days, and then all of a sudden out of the blue, or maybe red or orange, the color is all in your head, heck I'm colorblind anywho, and then we get the text,,,,,Can I borrow $20 until Friday. The first thing going thru my head is, do I have an extra 20 I can part with in my life? We all know you won't see it again.
So I got this idea, I'm going to text my friends about once a month and ask for money. If I have 5 people that will part with a 20, that is an extra 100 in my pocket. That is about like setting up a PO Box, and running an add in a paper or magazine and telling people to send a self addressed stamped envelope to me and I can tell them how to make hundreds of dollars. I will print off instructions and they will be kind of like this.
Set up a PO Box in a business name.
Run add in paper or magazine, the same add you answered.
Print off these instructions, stuff into their envelope, take your $5 you get from the sorry bastards that mailed it to you and do something with it.
Mail these instructions back to people letting them know not only are they suckers like you, but there are many more people in the world like them, and don't get any paper cuts.
Now is that an idea or what? Oh wait, you'll have that one friend that will text and ask for money to place the add, and as we all know, when you lend money to a friend, you might as well light it on fire and watch it go cause your never gonna see it again. I personally don't ask to borrow clothes, so why money? But if ya happen to find some sugar mama that can spare some dollars as change, don't be silly and wrap ole willy.
So I got this idea, I'm going to text my friends about once a month and ask for money. If I have 5 people that will part with a 20, that is an extra 100 in my pocket. That is about like setting up a PO Box, and running an add in a paper or magazine and telling people to send a self addressed stamped envelope to me and I can tell them how to make hundreds of dollars. I will print off instructions and they will be kind of like this.
Set up a PO Box in a business name.
Run add in paper or magazine, the same add you answered.
Print off these instructions, stuff into their envelope, take your $5 you get from the sorry bastards that mailed it to you and do something with it.
Mail these instructions back to people letting them know not only are they suckers like you, but there are many more people in the world like them, and don't get any paper cuts.
Now is that an idea or what? Oh wait, you'll have that one friend that will text and ask for money to place the add, and as we all know, when you lend money to a friend, you might as well light it on fire and watch it go cause your never gonna see it again. I personally don't ask to borrow clothes, so why money? But if ya happen to find some sugar mama that can spare some dollars as change, don't be silly and wrap ole willy.
Some Time Off
As most of you followers have noticed, I have taken some time off. Not because I found a woman to make me a sandwich, but the holidays are coming and that always leads to having to switch some show material around, and then trying to figure out how to make it "G" rated. That's like trying to say John Holmes can be a preacher sometimes. I tell ya, I get more frustrated than a puppy locked in a kennel at times. But I think I may have thought of some bits, and so lets test them out like a cheap girl you just snagged from the bar.
Went to my ex's house the other day, and she had a door pillow knitted thing on the knob, which was very suiting beings everyone has had their turn, and the pillow said HO HO HO, so I told her nice name plate. That worked out as good as stealing gas next to a police station for me.
The ole JW's came around, for those of you that are not following, the Jehovah Witnesses, wanted to share their off-beat religion with me, I asked if they believed in Santa, and they said who, I told them to get out how the hell am I suppose to get a new TV for Christmas if I roll their way.
The new Black Ops 2 on PlayStation came out, the last time Call of Duty came out, I regained my virginity, this time I am buying the new game for my teenage son to preserve his.
I keep going to the bar and trying to find me a Santa's helper chick like I see in my DVD collection at the house, I guess I'm going to have to sell it to some Sifi collector.
The good thing about getting crappy gifts for Christmas is that leads to one less present I have to buy next year. Thanks mom.
The elections are really scaring me, have you seen how much Mitt looks like Walter from Jeff Dunham?? We are hoping to get rid of the Cabbage Patch Kid in office now, and replaced with someone with googly eyes and a stick up his ass? What are the odds.
I love snow, I may be about 40 years old, but I've got a lot wiser. When I make snow angels naked in my neighbors yard they always come out looking like a naked chick stopped by.
I love this new photo shop, I can take a picture of a lady at the bar and make her clothes come off, print the picture, and mail an I'm sorry letter with the picture to her husband.
I see you have over 50 pictures with you and your friends at the bars, and only one of your child, maybe you should stay home and pretend to be that great mother your not.
So when your mind is a racing car and your fingers are the track, sometimes lines are good and sometimes not so good. If ya would let me know which are kickers and which are shitters, that would be great. Nothing like having a HUGE audience of participation, I feel like that Bobette guy after my wife drinks slice. Well, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Went to my ex's house the other day, and she had a door pillow knitted thing on the knob, which was very suiting beings everyone has had their turn, and the pillow said HO HO HO, so I told her nice name plate. That worked out as good as stealing gas next to a police station for me.
The ole JW's came around, for those of you that are not following, the Jehovah Witnesses, wanted to share their off-beat religion with me, I asked if they believed in Santa, and they said who, I told them to get out how the hell am I suppose to get a new TV for Christmas if I roll their way.
The new Black Ops 2 on PlayStation came out, the last time Call of Duty came out, I regained my virginity, this time I am buying the new game for my teenage son to preserve his.
I keep going to the bar and trying to find me a Santa's helper chick like I see in my DVD collection at the house, I guess I'm going to have to sell it to some Sifi collector.
The good thing about getting crappy gifts for Christmas is that leads to one less present I have to buy next year. Thanks mom.
The elections are really scaring me, have you seen how much Mitt looks like Walter from Jeff Dunham?? We are hoping to get rid of the Cabbage Patch Kid in office now, and replaced with someone with googly eyes and a stick up his ass? What are the odds.
I love snow, I may be about 40 years old, but I've got a lot wiser. When I make snow angels naked in my neighbors yard they always come out looking like a naked chick stopped by.
I love this new photo shop, I can take a picture of a lady at the bar and make her clothes come off, print the picture, and mail an I'm sorry letter with the picture to her husband.
I see you have over 50 pictures with you and your friends at the bars, and only one of your child, maybe you should stay home and pretend to be that great mother your not.
So when your mind is a racing car and your fingers are the track, sometimes lines are good and sometimes not so good. If ya would let me know which are kickers and which are shitters, that would be great. Nothing like having a HUGE audience of participation, I feel like that Bobette guy after my wife drinks slice. Well, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
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