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Thursday, June 30, 2011

The secret

I took my babe down to that lady with the secret store, oh man, she don't have no secrets. That is the only store I have been in where I didn't have to undress the shoppers, I sat in there like a virgin in a porn shop. Instead of undressing them with my psychic powers, I tried to imagine some of them wearing those secret things on!!! My gosh, then she went to try something on, now leave me alone in the damn store. So I started walking around like I was birthday shopping, but man, you can't walk well with a third leg looking like teepee. So I stood there like I got shot, in total amazement.
Then I found this g string, I figured out where it got its name, when the wearer farts, it sounds like a g string on my guitar.
The one thing I learned, that bitch with a secret has good taste, and a g string has to be located near the g spot. Next time, I'm wearing duck tape to hold my little fellow down to look some more.
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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The BIG talk

So instead if doing what my dad to me, throwing my soon a penthouse forum, to dream of something that will never come true, we decided to talk.
I say him down, told him first things first, sex is not free. No matter how you look at it, you will end up paying for it. Second, wear 2 condoms, I wore one and that's how you got here.
So now that I got those things out of the way, tell me what you know, and I will full in the blanks. So I sat there, and after 20 minutes I grabbed a notebook, after another 10 I got out the digital recorder. As I say there, I caught myself, "no kidding, you can do that?"
So after my education from my son, I went down bought him a playboy, and said enjoy the articles son.
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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Future planning

My family always try ways to save money, from booking a flight on an airline with no landing gears, no food, no drink. Wtf are they thinking? Sitting on wicker chairs, with a BIG sign that says"no spitting on the floor,,,,, it leaks".
So on my evaluation of this apparatus they call a cheap flight, I notice that the propellers are not even the same size and a window is missing. My guess is no bathroom, boy was I right, there was a bucket. The only movie was in 3d and it was ducking when crap flew around the cabin from the missing windows.
So needless to say, my family ask what I'm doing to save for the future? Investing in stocks or what?
My answer-,,,,,,,,, I'm not doing stocks, they'd like playing Russian Roulette with a semi automatic, and my planning is I'm learning to be ambidextrous so if I have a stroke, I can still bounce checks.
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Monday, June 27, 2011

I want to be a dog

If I could chose to be anything other than a human, I would be a dog. I could sniff crotches, hump legs and chicks would think it was funny. you don't have to worry about going to work, calling in, our anything other than meeting the mailman.
You go outside and poop, pee, come inside and get told good boy, and you get a treat. You can lay under a table and sneak a peek up skirts, let a fart and watch everyone run.
But you never see a dog run up to his bowl and say gosh, better not eat, I need to watch my hips. When your feeling frisky, you just run over and get some, no spending money on her, courtship, flowers, our any of that, just a good ole doggy style and run home. So she has a litter, like they are going to nail you for child support? NOT!!!!
But the one reason I would love to be a dog is so when the parents are getting it on in bed, I can sneak up and touch my cold nose on their ass and laugh like hell!!!!!!
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Sunday, June 26, 2011

What were they thinking?

Who is the idiot that thought putting a hair net inside mens swim trunks? were they sitting around one day and thought, gosh this will keep the guy from getting a woodie at the pool? They made the holes large enough for a penny to fall out of, the elastic is tighter than an 87 year old nun that cuts the circulation off going down the legs.
So then when you get out of the water, your so uncomfortable you can't lift your leg in worries the elastic will cut one off, and going down a high speed slide and all that junk gets thrown up your the crack of your butt is NOT fun. You have to pull it out when you get stood up so people don't laugh, and your butt hairs are all twinned up in the netting, so them the battle begins, one large tug, jump, and holler is a sure tale sign all or most of your butt hair is now in the netting.
Then when you get home and change, your laundry person in your house always has to ask, wtf did you smuggle in your trunks at the pool? A damn gerbil, what do you think it was? I have learned that DO NOT remove them before wearing, they do keep your junk under control. Do not make them of silk, you tote around a teepee all day, and you can't wear normal under wear because it gives you a rash. So, what I think is we need is a mankini! Bikini bottom for men that women can't see. But until then, I will remain to have patches of missing hair on my butt, so please don't laugh when I moon you.
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Saturday, June 25, 2011

The Beginning

The beginning of the simple life. I was going to write a book, but figured I would skip that and make a movie, but then, who is into buying them XXX movies now days? There just ain't any money in it beings we have youtube. I have been married twice, first one jumped the fence, and so I built it taller and by God the second mistake crawled under it. Sometimes things in life happen for a reason, I figured out that divorce is expensive because it is worth it.
I have had a few jobs in my life, one line that will make you get a new job real quick is telling your boss they have you confused with someone that gives a shit. Yep, about 3 minutes after that line, I was walking out of my day job, jobless. Who cares, you only live once. Only a fact. I didn't care about that job being a server at Applebees.
Another thing to say would be I wasn't looking when I found this job, don't make me have to look for something better. For some reason, bosses always thought that was a good line and usually got you a raise. I cannot be held responsible if it does not happen to you, it might be the late nights her and I spent together before she went home to her husband or something.
I do know that having a lack of control of the lower apperatus will cause great changes in your paycheck, ie child support. OUCH. Why is sex so good and child support so bad? That is just like waking up next to the chick you don't remember bringing home from the bar and being spooked and asking her if she rode her broom over last night. That, is NOT a thing to say when you are in her house and she is larger than you. But for some reason, they are ALWAYS larger when the goggles are on.
So hell, what a start, but whos counting?