Lost?

How can one just go driving and hag into the wrong direction, let alone darn near in another state? There are so many items out there to help such foolish drivers.
From gps, where you even have a woman telling you what to do, so you feel just at home. I like to ride with friends, when they go inside somewhere I switch theirs over to a man and in another language.
A compass, the old man and old lady who couldn't see a deer in the middle of the road because of the suction cup hiding a good portion of the windshield, and that ball, for some unknown reason N always points north, no matter how hard you shake it, it never gets dizzy.
Then you have your phone, if you would just just up and drive, out would be glad to trace your path, and even show you where you are.
But if one would take the time to stop and look at a shadow, you would know which direction home is, especially in nebraska, where we are flatter that a baby girls chest. The sun comes up in the east and sets in the west,.look at the shadow and header home.
Remember, you can walk on a eod leg, play cards with a fake hand, but no matter how hard you try you can't see from a glass eye, so look and pay attention to where you are going.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Freshmen

When I was a freshman in school, I went to a jr high, we were cool, we never really thought we riled the world and surely never told our parents what we were going to do, we asked.
It was that year I heard my parents talking about what expectations they had for us kids. I heard my mother say she wanted me to be comedian, but that was my problem, really I guess she said obgyn. But oh well, the money is about the same, isn't it?
To pay child support because you are over curious by the ladies, our have them pay you to leave your office feeling violated. Maybe I did really screw up. But either cost, I love sitting in the obgyn office and watching the pregnant ladies walk out of that door that leads to the exam rooms, with the I just got violated face on them. And the young girls walking out with the omg I hope I don't know anyone here, and trying to run out.
It just kills me to watch people. And that's why I caught my freshmen niece gazing at my butt when I bent over. Oh how I hope I'm in that office when she walks out, I will yell HEY, DID YOU GET VIOLATED? Sucks to get old!!!! I just hope it isn't her sitting in the waiting room when I walk out if my colonoscopy. Damn, that would make Christmas diner uncomfortable for me.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Closet dancer

So Bella has this dream of getting a pole and swing for her bedroom. And being the sexually aroused pervert I am, I ask more questions. She wants a brass pole in her closet. Really her closet? To me that's a new meaning of just do it, or guess, but I hope there is enough room for me to watch.
Just grab me and hang me on a hanger. That would make me feel like a black criminal back when times were good, before that fat lazy lady decided she wasn't going to take 3 more steps to the back of the bus, now that lazy woman has streets named after her. Any who, back to discussion.
Hang me in the closet so I can watch, I will just sit there and tick like a timex, hanging in her closet. The size of this closet must be a large bathroom to us poo folks. But mount it up, slide, climb and slide, I will bring my boom box, turn on some Dancing on the Ceiling music, wear my cheap sunglasses,,,,, at night. When its all done and the pole had a workout, I will just hang, in the closet, like a bridal gown, only used once, but lives forever,,,, in the closet.
Now, that I think about it, how am I going to explain being in the closet watching a show? Screw it, live proud, gives the neighbors some love, let the homeless get excited, put it in your living room.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Billy and Ricky

How could two people, one on speed, the other acid, have their own show? To make an orkin man jealous cause they don't have to notch pests to go after or a mom telling then where to go.
What makes the over dramatic wasp killing so end of your start entertainment? Oh gosh Ricky, we need to get the spay and get it fast!!! Ya Billy, I'm running to get the wasp spray so we can knock them down.
My god, its a wasp nest, spray them and get it done, move into the next job!!! Take your friendly little snake out where it won't become a speed bump or scare a person, just kill the damn thing so we don't have to worry about him again. Get rid of the spikes, my god, you drive a toyota truck dude, not a harley, your sissy hair down your back and spikes don't make you a cool wasp killer dude.
I think they need some fashion tips from my sister in law, she don't dress like a mascot for the gladiators. She's our candycane, sure nice to look at but you can't have a taste. My gosh, next family vacation, LOUISIANA, look out vexcon, we are going to give you an extreme MAKE OVER!!!! And a hair cut!!!!!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Work

One day I hope to find oil in my back yard, but until then I guess I will keep on getting up early to go to work. If I were to with the lottery, I would probably still work, because setting at home is boring and make s you gain lots if weight.
If I didn't make payment s every month for getting laid, which is a crock, I probably wouldn't have to work, but again, there is always a cost of having fun.
I love to watch people, from the air, you can see alot, inside cars, down shirts, way or to the other side of the parking lot. The thing that cracks me up is women always look around before they are going to do something a guy has no shame to do, like pick their nose or butt. But they never ever look up. I have seen the funniest things, from a woman changing in the drivers seat of her car, a younger girl playing with herself when her mom went into shop, lots of women picking their noses, tons picking their butt when they get out of the car. If your undies are that tight, my god, but bigger ones.
But the funniest thing I seen was a woman adjusting her puppies in her shirt, with a big purse, swing the purse and it knocked her over. So,,, being me up at 35 feet in the air above her, I yelled down, you okay looks like your purse got the best of you when your hands were full. She instantly turned bright red.
But the greatest thing is yet to be seen. I haven't seen a car rocking in daylight, but when I do, I will go down and run over and start banging on the window yelling. Oh to catch them in the act, I know I would piss my pants if that happen to me.
But, I guess I will keep going to work to look down on people, and if you see a boom truck with the boom in the air, it didn't get that way just because it wanted to, someone like me is watching you!!!! Look up!!!!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Professional hair stylist

So today, I called up to get a big job in lincoln at a hair studio. We really hit it off with the owner last, she was great. I tools her I was a professional hair stylist, and my best jobs are on ladies hair.
She has excellent clients, and most of them are in their twenties and thirties. That god me all excited. Then we got more in depth with what it was I liked to do. She got offended. I said I am a professional hair stylist, I can do mohawks, landing strips, what ever they want, where ever they want, armpit, leg, head, and private area.
She said there was no way that someone was going to be in her salon and do that kind of stuff. I said what is your deal? Obviously you don't know hair, I want to come over and spell your babys daddy s name in your overgrown muff, I will show you professional.
She want up to it, obviously, she kept saying hair on the head, so she does the same thing to men in my book, she just don't do women. That to me is discrimination, and I told her that damn it.
So, my job got shot to shit in a hand basket, I felt worse than a one legged man driving a 5 speed for the first time. But heck with her, I'm opening my own place, complete with a birthing table so I can get on down there and calling it MY SPACE, so give me a call so I can put some impressive art on your yard.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Socks

I don't mind doing laundry, but I also don't mind the damn sock eating washer. I've always done whites last in hopes that the laundry fairy will swing by and fold socks before I need the dryer again.
Folding socks reminds me of washing a dog, it stinks and if someone else will do it great, but once it is done it feels like you found a free hooker for the night.
One time I avoided them so long I ran out, so I went and bought new ones, 50 pairs to be exact, so I wouldn't have to do them.
I'm not the kind of guy that will wear a g string for my toes to avoid them, they'd not how I roll.but by god, I will have 2 kitchen trash bags full of new ones to avoid them.
And that is why I had to stop buying white undies, besides loving beans. Or I would be going commando more than rambo!!!!! And bike shorts and no undies is not a good thing as I found out. Rolled into walmart that way one day, some kid kept yelling" mommy mommy, that guy has a dog in his shorts". I yelled back, "ya, I'm going to let him to chase your mommy s beaver if you don't be quiet!!!!"

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Trailer park

Ever notice when you pull into a town the first thing you see is the trailer park? So everyone knows, they are future walmart door greeters. From the welcome to my town to walmart, way to move up toothless tina.
And when the fair comes to town, they will bop your ass to get a close parking spot to ride the rides and but that fried food from their cousins. That's the one week they take off for vacation, if they have jobs, other wise they are down at ready cash witting a check. Hot damn, we are going to hang out tonight.
I love fair week, its the only week of the year I know all those trailer parkers are not home, so I can go and reclaim my shit that got stollen all year long. And then I go into the trailer wheel business down at the lake for a month to make extra cash. Yep, they don't need them wheels on their house anyways, heck it cost money to drag that thing down the road.
Only in a trailer park can you find new cars, stolen shit, illegal guns, food stamps, and antiques all on 8 wheels. Life is a highway, they dream of cruising.
But long live the day I have some lots to rent to them. They get behind on lot rent, they better know how to fish, cause their house is going on pontoons and going to be a house boat where the lots are free. I will back that thing up down at the dock and wish them well.
But until I have my lots, I guess I will just keep getting my shit back, and selling tires down at the lake. But one day, maybe I can own the lot the walmart greeter lives on so we can be friends.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Wtf

So when you start turning older I learned go to a class reunion, you will feel alot better and younger. Some other things I learned, the smell of botox don't make you smarter.
I got to see everything from my gay classmates, my I thought they were smart classmates, and my holy crap did you get held back for 5 years cause your looking old classmates.
From seeing a girl walk out of the mens bathroom, a real girl, one of the honor students. And no other guy was in there, thought maybe she went in for a quicky, but oh no.
And don't introduce me to your boyfriend as this is Gabe, we went to school together. NO SHIT, is that why we are both here? All be damn, thanks for confirming I'm in the right place. But really? GO BLONDE!!!!
And my god, I almost had to dim the lights with all the gray hairs, and chrome domes. But I did learn, don't cover your gray hairs with mascara and go out dancing, especially if you are wearing a white shirt. That's like not wearing underwear and white shorts when you have the shits. I've done some crazy shit, but that is not on my list.
The funny ass things you see and hear will just make you think WTF are they doing in my class? Night two is yet to come, can't wait to see the test of the smart ones, hope their wives are hot.
So I'm off like a prom dress and chasing my child support payments this morning!!!!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Class reunion

What is the whole purpose of gathering up like flies on cow shit to have a get together when you have facebook now and can know more about someone now than you did when you banging them in high school?
Have I ever got a surprise, all the ugly girls are now cute, and the cute ones are now ugly. Nothing beats the 300 pound varsity cheerleader every guy in school fantasized about showing up. Lol. And now everyone has the holy crap you drive the cart at walmart smerk on their face.
From the real smart ones not having common sense to tie their own shoes when they trip on them, to the ones who screwed off and now have damn good jobs laughing at the chick that was going to be a dr until she got laid and shit a kid now she's on welfare taking my money at mcdonalds.
But the greatest thing is, all those guys that are gray or bald. For some reason they just crack me up. From a mullet to nothing. With hot ass wives, how the hell? So I haven't changed at all, still wearing the same size jeans and shirts, and they aren't tight on me, single, no drinker, can spit chew 8.5 feet, and ready to take your hot wife outback and show her a real good time. So drink on, be an ass, stuck up, who you were in school, cause my name is KARMA, and pay backs a bitch.
In another 10 years we will reunions by skype, on our phones, and by then, I probably already paid your daughters tuition subscribing to her website, but oh well. So live long and watch for me. I'm the redneck wearing jesus slippers with socks, cut off ............never mind, find your wife or girlfriend, I'm the one behind her.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Signs that are wrong

Don't advertise grand opening for an obgyn clinic. Should I go on? Don't add now open either, just sayin.
Why is there a picture menu and braille menu available at a drive through? They make me drive up, as for it, feel around and order a whopper at mcdonalds. Then argue that it says in braille they have him, like they know.
Don't put parking in rear at ANY bar. This only leads to walking in with a bar stool upside down for seating for four.
Don't put now available sign up at a convent. That just gets all of us men riled up for a house of virgins that don't want us.
There are so many wrong signs to not put up, being a sign guy, I will put up anything you want to claim, and knowing me, if you can spell a dirty word with the letters going up, it will be spelled first, like HO in hotel, hung the ho and decided it was lunch time. So just think"what would gabe get out of this sign?" And you should be okay.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4