Big Man DOWN!!!!

I know I been missing catching up my blog lately, but I have a High School Senior, and that itself requires ALOT of time, money, work, money. Then he is going to be off to college to get a degree, but of course it will be a college close to home, all his hunting ground is around here, if I can get him to class during hunting season, then mission accomplished. I don't care if he's 40 years old living in the basement, yelling for me to stop talking so loud because he's playing his Play Station. Well, maybe I do a tad bit. But here is a breakdown of my summer, and a short piece of my life before.
In April 2000, I was involved in an auto accident. From this accident, I received a fractured L-5 vertebrae, torn left rotator cuff, whiplash, and ended up in pretty bad shape. I was told by 2 doctors I would never run or play golf again, which was cool, I hadn't ran since leaving the military and really didn't think much of out running the cops anymore. I got back on my feet, slowly, and about 2 years later had nerve damage causing me to have drop foot. I have a nice little brace that "pops" when I walk, my duties as a sneaky ninja had to be abandoned.
In October 2006, I was in a second accident, this one was lots more severe beings I already had major back issues. This time, same as the first, I broke 2 vertebrae in my back, T-8, and T-10, bruised my spleen, got some road rash on my buttocks, and received a turtle shell to be in for about 6 months. GREAT, my kids LOVED Christmas that year, Grandma got them suction cup dart guns and guess who got the target on his chest?? YEP!!! In September 2007 I ended up having to have my spleen removed. I gave birth, my spleen was 10 lbs and just over 9 inches long. I guess if I'm going to do something, then make a name for myself, I had the largest spleen on record thru the VA Health System. Still to this day, we have no idea how it didn't rupture, causing immediate death. Guess God had a plan.
On June 8 of this year, my son, the Senior, said he was in better shape than me. That pissed me off, so June 9 I trashed the Docs and started running. Having major back problems, this probably wasn't the best idea I could have done, but at 227 lbs with 3 chins, I had something to prove. I signed up for a Half Marathon to make it my 90 day goal, because I'm crazy I guess. I ran my butt off, I knew I was going to get that Half in just to quiet the kid. 2 weeks before my Half, I ended up getting plantar fasciitis, which is horrible, I could hardly walk. I went limping into my buddy Eric's work, and he said, I have got just the thing for you. YA RIGHT, we've all heard that before. He sat me down, thank God, standing up was a chore. Then he introduced me to AdvoCare Joint Promotion, I said, "dude I have 3 days, I have done everything possible except a shot to get my foot going, I don't care how bad it hurts, I am going to finish my Half Marathon even if I have to crawl." So, I gave in, tried in twice a day for 3 days, ran my half with no problem, I RAN MY HALF, yep. The 2 weeks before I had only got 5 miles total in for running because of my stupid foot. I came back, said I'm ALL IN.
I signed up to help others, to get them to my level of satisfaction in working out and running. Now, I have not taken any of my 6 prescriptions in 8 weeks, which was odd, I've been taking them for YEARS to get by each day.
In total I have lost 67 lbs as of today. I hit 190 and had a difficult time for 2 weeks breaking that bar, so I did the 24 day challenge, today is day 23, and I lost 30 lbs from it. Super easy, I have friends that have lost from 11- 25 lbs. Some workout, some don't. With products so safe, my kids use them, I got my kids started up in the Performance Elite with Muscle Fuel, pre-workout, in 1 week they have already told me how great it's going. Wrestlers, Catalyst is amazing, it was designed to protect the muscle, and help break down the stubborn fat so you can chisel up, and not loose muscle or strength.
The greatest thing about AdvoCare, is the business side. We all get those Spam emails of get rich quick, do this do that. Well, in 7 weeks, I have made better money than any of those spam emails, I feel great, I have energy, and kids love it also.
It's the American way to sit around and take handouts, not to many people want to challenge themselves to loose weight, workout, or anything that is going to cause good in their life. If you don't want to work it as a business with very limited time, then that's your choice, if you want to just buy retail, that's up to you, if you want to save some money and get a discount, then that is all up to you also. I know how much AdvoCare has changed my life, and knowing it's so safe that the Olympics endorse it for their athletes, that says a lot. The really cool thing, it's just now going to blow up across the U.S., so if you want people to know your the AdvoCare go-to person, now is the time. If you want to sit back and see if it's right for you, then more power to you. When there is no minimum orders, no have to orders, no lock in time, what is there to loose? All your doing is hurting yourself, take the leap, I challenge you to try Spark and tell me you don't have energy, and needed a nap. It's an all natural energy drink that taste like Kool Aid and make you happy, everyone deserves to be happy.
Don't be that person that sits around and complains to others about not being happy and having extra pounds. If I dropped 67 lbs with 3 fractured vertebrae, no spleen, drop foot, and other medical issues and am the way I am now, there is no excuse. I have overcome the Medical Odds, and I owe it to AdvoCare for getting me there. If you want to check it out, go right ahead, if you have questions, let me know, there is always something that works, and to have it help you physically and help you add some additional income for Christmas time, why wait??


https://www.advocare.com/140934681/


glmilhon@gmail.com

Facebook

When we can share the things that happen in our lives with the whole world at a press of a button, from a phone, from a computer, from a tablet. Heck, some are even doing it at work. Changing the way people view people all in a simple blue button that says, "SHARE". Some of the smallest things in the world just amuse me, take spiders for example, I'm a 5'9" balding dude that couldn't scare anything more than a baby, but a spider, that little creature can make a 6'4" dude cry like a baby who just got it pacifier stolen by dog. That's power.
The power to change is to really just an object in the mirror, when your standing in front of it. Everyone has it, some just don't want to know, and others, really don't give 2 dog turds wrapped in tootsie roll papers. But, hey, who's counting? The things people post, share, take pictures of just amazes me. I find myself not even watching the news anymore, heck,  why spend 30 minutes watching some dude gab over something when I can just zip onto Facebook and find out everything we need, from weather, to kids sports, who's winning the game, who had what for lunch, who took the biggest crap, what the weather is doing, and best of all, who is going to get the "Facebook Academy Award of the Day". Just admit it, we read others posts, often time asking, WTF?? Especially when they read mine, it takes all kinds of wild minds to make a News Feed interesting enough to keep people wanting more, it's like a porn addiction to porn addicted person. That made no sense, but anywho, crap, we are so socially networked inside this creature called Internet, that we don't even go to a movie unless half of our friends say it's a must see. Good thing ole Egbert or whoever that movie critic was has passed away, he'd would have fallen off the job market now.
I understand that your son won his first soccer game, congrats, but I don't understand why you would want to share all of your business and drama inside your personal life with the world? Does Facebook send you a Sympathy card for making crazy decisions? If so, maybe I should retake this offer. I love mail, especially junk mail. That's awesome you want to eat sushi, the raw fish with some rice in it, please don't post a picture, if I wanted to see a picture of sushi I'd Google Image it. But one thing is for sure, in today's world, when you can take a picture, and have it automatically sync with your Facebook account has become ever so entertaining. Nothing is better than that naked selfie you took to send off to someone, and BOOM, all of a sudden it is on your Facebook, now that's classy. Talk about Facebook making some extra cash, why don't they open up a site just for that, Facebook Honey's, just like the ole Hustler Honey's?? BAM, million dollar industry there Zuckerman. Although this has happen a couple times, I must add not to me, but friends, or what were friends of mine until they figured it out and deleted their pages, I find this funnier than a 3 legged dog trying to catch it's tail.
But, on the other side of the plate, lets talk about how Facebook is always making recommendation's for us. Like we have ever sat down and got to actually meet each other, you have no idea what rolls thru my head, nor do you want to. And if you did, you'd be so damn scared how fast my mind travels you'd be trying to can it and use it for rocket fuel to power the next spaceship. Facebook, you know nothing about me, why in the heck would you recommend a friend to me that I have no pleasure of knowing, and really honestly may dislike their point of view on things. For example, why would you recommend Michelle Obama as a friend? So I can read all her post about how kids are fat and eating turkey bacon for over-priced school lunches is going to make my kid skinny up? Obviously NOT. First off, you know nothing about school lunches, and what you do know is they were free to you when you were growing up, they use to be good, a good way for kids to eat and get energy. You couldn't pay me to eat this crap on paper trays you have them eating, make your kids eat it if it's so damn good, or don't they allow they fake meat in private schools? Obviously not, as you sit back and sip on your Diet Coke and giggle at turkey bacon.
We have all came to know a part of our social media, connected with people we lost touch of, got to check out people we had no idea who they were, and really we have damn good nominations for Facebook Academy Awards. So, as I sit here and giggle how I know you all have Facebook, and that's how you got caught reading this blog, because it was the only social media site I shared it with, just remember, you too my friend, got caught catching up on drama, getting a giggle and asking yourself WTF is Gabe thinking!!! May the night be long, the sleep be good, but if ya don't sleep right away, don't be silly and wrap ole willy.

WHEW

Man, I tell ya, I've been busier than a dollar hooker working the Vegas Strip. From getting custody of my son, WHOOP WHOOP, to trying to figure out what this itch is in my new underwear. Some of the craziest things have been going in this world, and ya, I can spit out a fast facebook status about it, but obviously I have not had time to attend to my blog. Which I appoligize. Going from a every other weekend dad to a 24/7 dad of a kid playing 4 sports has gotten the better of my time, ya ya ya, excuses are like assholes, everyone has one and they stink. In great days, ways, shapes, and forms, I have noticed Victoria has a Secret,,,still, and I have a secret for them. My name is Gabe and I am not a girl, when you send me a little mail for a free panty let me tell ya, those things make for the image of the balls hanging on the yard game "Ladder Game". There just ain't that much room in the front of those free panties. Spliting the boys like a cedar tree on a log splitter. But, in latter news, I have decided I am NOT going to step on a scale, not until scales can measure SEXY and deduct that off my spare tire gut and make me feel better about myself. I have noticed that I am getting pretty thin on the top of my head, the head on my shoulders. I called Bosley, asked for a sample or brochure on their treatment. Oddly enough what I found out is that they take hair from other places and plant it back into the thinning area. When I told the chick I didn't want to become an actual Butthead or Dickhead, she didn't even giggle. Obviously she didn't understand, or it took off over her head like a High School Prom Dress, either way, I thought that was some funny crap. I was proud. I've noticed that when you kid is 6'1" and I'm 5'9" and his mother is 5'2", there seems to be maybe some DNA matching that needs to be done, especially when the UPS man is 6'3". Hey, I know he's mine, I remember the night of duct tape and handcuffs. You talk about being a comedian and having a kid that is all book smart and ding ding dingy on common sense, have I got more material off this kid the last few months then the public health clinic has had crab cases. From him telling my all mice are blind because haven't I ever heard the song "3 blind mice". So I told him there were 3 doors to hell, hasn't he heard of the group 3 Doors Down? He didn't get it. I have what they call a work in progress, I have got to get this kid to come around in 1 year before he is on his own and makes me look like I have kept him in a shell his whole life. On a lighter side of the world and it's issues, time is what you make of it. Posting about your husband being deployed for 12 months, and then posting he is finally home is great news. Then posting within the first 24 hours of him actually being home in your bed, I see there maybe an issue. I know if I was gone for 12 months deployed in the military and came home, the last thing my wife would be able to do is make a Facebook post, I'd have her so worn out she would try to sleep but I'd be like that crazy dog riding her leg. A mans a man, if ya ain't naked, atleast be making us a sandwich, and hey, while your making it, just do it naked, no sandwich is a sandwich without Miracle Whip. Just when your doing it, don't be silly and wrap ole willy.

The World Today

The world we live in today is about as messed up as a 3 legged chicken trying to run from a coyote. The things that are going on, the happenings of the world and what we are creating would even have aliens wondering what the heck are those earthlings doing. The problem all starts from us, as individuals, people who elect people to a higher power to distroy our nation and blow smoke up our ass while they are doing so. Back when I went to school, we got in trouble for gum, candy, lifting up a cheerleaders skirt walking down a hallway, honking a teachers nose, we didn't have drugs and guns in school, we were sent to the pricipals office only to have them threaten to call our parents, one who was usually home beings it didn't take 2 parents with 3 full time jobs to make it in this world. Our parents would spank our butts, talk some sense into us, and spank us more. It didn't kill me, it made me a better person, and therefore, I'm no scared to spank my kids. Now spanking and beating are 2 different things in the world now, we didn't have people kill their own kids from beating them, going off on the deep end. That's a total different topic of all its own. We lived in a world where we never heard that kids are obese, we were kids, some of the few had Atari games, but big deal, you can only jump on an alligator head and swing on a rope for so long. We went outside, called some neighbor kids over, played sandlot baseball, football, soccer, or stole the neighbors dads Playboy magazine and hid in the bushes dreaming of our future wife. We lived in a world where we weren't told we couldn't pray in school, when our teacher was sick and we had a sub for the day, when we got home we called the teacher saying we missed her/him, and told them to get well so we could get rid of this crazy old sub. We worked toward goals, achievements, we may have teased someone, but we our kitchen table always had a plate for them to come eat with us, because we knew how to forgive, express our feelings, not be angry or bitter. In todays world, we have problems with guns and drugs taking over schools, and public places. The guns don't just reproduce there, and drugs don't just grow in malls and schools. It takes someone to carry these things in, but in most of the cases, actually almost ALL CASES of public shootings, or school shootings, it was someone who was mentally unstable that caused the mess. But why is this? We had mentally unstable people in our world as kids, we had guns, and heck, I know there was drugs, I heard all about the 70s times. Heck, why would it have skipped the 80's and 90's? That's odd. Well, I'm sure it didn't, it's because our political leaders have taken it upon themselves to try to make the world better, to give everyone a fighting chance, to ignore the real issues we have in Society as a whole. These leaders have shut down Mental Health Hospitals, made cut-backs to mental health, all in a fear that someone wouldn't be treated equally. They have even went as far as sending our troops to war, to have them come home, fighting with demons in their heads from PTSD, and never blinked an eye to help them more than they could because of the dollar. But we are going to try and take guns from everyone, even those who can have guns, because rather than fess up and say what has really happen, we are going to give excuses, make it seem like guns pull their own triggers, they load themselves, they are killers. It's not really the hand on the gun, no not really, it don't make sense some mentally unstable person would kill people, and harm many others, it has to be the guns themselves. Well Washington D.C., guess what, excuses are like assholes, everyone has one and they stink. You have created this mess we are in, now it's time to fess up and understand the decisions you are making, the changes for the better are actually worse, and I'm NOT GONNA GET OBAMA CARE because it sucks too. Every single one of you have no idea what drastic influences you have done to make this world a messed up place. We sure didn't hear of shootings in schools when Bibles were in, we didn't have kids at home raising themselves when the economy was good. What can be done? Let's stop and take a real approach. Oh, while your at it, why haven't you taken the book Webster wrote out of schools too? Probably because you didn't know that before he wrote the first dictionary he could resite the Bible word for word. Well isn't that a shocker? The problems we have in this world all stem from changes for the better that have came down from Federal and State Leaders. Obviously nobody understands, we are all just wanting everything and everyone to be equal, we don't want to hurt someone's feeling by telling them they need mental help, we don't want to be the one that will step up and make a change because then we are going to have bad ratings. If we as the people of this country don't come together, help support each other, then we wouldn't have half the problems we have. If jobs would pay the same as they did when I was a kid to have a parent home, to help take care of the needs of children, we would have less failures in the world. If you can't take on the world head first and put yourself in our shoes rather then worry about which rich idiot isn't going to give you a million dollars for your next campaign, then do us all a favor and don't even run. And parents, the way you let your kids act while living at home, letting them do the things they do, is directly proportionate to the way they will become. We all need to step up as parents, don't allow back talk, don't allow kids to not have respect for others, and if you don't take your kids to a church on Sunday, that is also your failure. Buying your kids what they want, never letting them go without, never letting them have to buy things is just leading up to economic failure when they leave the house. Kids need to experience work, not just show up and wait for a check, how to perform the work without thinking the world owes them anything. Teach you kid how to respect teachers, teachers spend more time with your child than we do as parents, if your kid don't like a teacher, or a teacher doesn't like your kid, maybe there is an issue that is reflected on how the parenting skills are being used. Nobody can change the world by themselves, someone with a bad idea can cause havoc in the world with ONE changed thing, and we as Americans need to work together to help this place out.

Henry Doorly Zoo

In knowing exactly what I had time for, I elected to take my little one to the zoo in Omaha for a day. It all started off by some college chick ripping me off for $84 to get in and have fun. So, off we went skipping all the way down to the kiddie section. Down the hill, just a rock toss away from the gate of madness of the release of the trailer park yuppies on the other side waiting to get in. We decided to go into the Avery which had some small house birds in it, and paid a dollar for two cents of food stuck on a Popsicle stick like the end of a q-tip when ya pull it out your ear.
In the Avery, I was looking around and noticed a nicely dressed fellow with a streak of white and black in his hair. That to me was NOT paid to be there by a hair stylist. What that was the the remnants of the rip off bird food on a stick from the lower end of the feather creature. At this point, I advised my kid and girlfriend we need some teamwork going on, you shit drop watch me, and I will shit drop watch you. We had each others backs, I thought. We finished up there and strolled over to the river otter, a couple owls in a cage, and then the quest for the carousel ride.
We walked around to the entrance, beat off all the parents that couldn't read, or aka Indians with dots, and then loaded up. Of course my kid would want to ride the jack rabbit, and he wanted me on the tiger next to him. That was not going to happen, the tiger stopped in the upward location, and that was like 4 feet high and I ain't no gymnast, so I stood there. Then my awesome girlfriend advised me I have a glob of white stuff on the fly of my shorts. Now, mind ya, I just got out of kiddie land, and she let me walk around with this there because she failed RULE #1, WATCH MY BACK in the Avery, like 20 minutes earlier. I personally, was just thinking maybe some of them knew me, heck I don't remember everyone, but they always remember me, but NOPE, they were wondering who the dickhead in the kiddie area was that had a glob of white stuff on his dick. Now comes the part where I'm freaking out to hide this, because it is kind of embarrassing to me, and she gives me a squirt of hand sanitizer. I rub it on my shorts like I had 2 sticks trying to start a fire. RUB RUB RUB, it was kind of exciting until I look up and all these ghetto mom's are holding their kids back from gettin on the carousel with the pot bellied pervert that's giving himself a wax job next to his kid and a damn tiger. Red was a total different color that day on my face. But I got the job done.
We beat feet up to the bears, tigers, sky tram, and all that jazz. Hopped on the train and ran around the zoo, waved at the crazy crowd and wild animals. Jumped off the train to enjoy the rest of the zoo.
One thing I noticed is that the people at the zoo are NOT the same class of people at Worlds of Fun. These people are the book worm, non adventurous, scientific people you would find at a library. But the scenery was great, I got too see a black mamba with some design print pantyhose, crazy looking shirt, goofy hat, and thought she was a bowl of chili on a cold ass night. The zoo don't sell Billy Bob teeth because 3/4 of the patrons already have a real set, but there were a couple of families that looked like they accidentally got caught up in the zoo also. But heck all in all, it was a great day. Of all the things to do, all the things to see, all the people to watch, the only thing a 4 year old talks about is riding the train, so save the money and just ride a damn train all day, or don't be silly wrap ole willy.

Get ya some.....FISHIN

As the time draws near, storms in the air, the smell of rain, and roadkill getting raunchy, we all know the favorite pastime is doing some fishin. Which, really makes the think, either you fish, or you don't know Jack. No better way to put it, can you bait a hook without making the worm look like it has been beaten by a machete? Alot of other things in life can be related to fishin, if you don't think so, then grab your pole and read on.
First off, relationships. They are alot like fishin, you try to bait them in, get them to bite, reel em in, and then you have to make the determination of, is she a keeper or do I toss her back for some other jerk to wait for and try keeping? That folks, is the hardest determination to make as a redneck eHarmony member. You know, I like long walks on the beach, a good magazine, as long as they are on the naked beach and porn magazine. Why? Cause I'm a guy and that's how I roll.
Kids, you know, curtain climbers, diaper shitters. They are alot like fishing too. Or some parents make them be to me in my world. Sometimes I just want to look the proud mom in the face and say, "keep telling me about your awesome kid, I love a good fishin story." But for some reason, most would not get it. My grandma always had a point, she loved everyone, and nobody was really a "bad" kid, she use to say, "Oh Johnny, I don't know why he has community service, he is such a good kid, bless his heart." But, obviously, I have been a part of a relationship, the tosser back chick, who's parents just thought she was so awesome she had chipped glass slippers she wore out when she was working her corner. Oh, she is so blah blah blah, and if you ever need anything she will be right there. Ya, exactly, an awesome fishing story, cause the bitch was a liar, story teller, and couldn't be trusted any further than you could toss dog puke out the front door. So, as you are going on and on about your perfect kids, remember, everyone LOVES a fishin story, but only when told by a grandpa.
We all sit around in life, usually on our butts and wait for things to happen. Such as a catfish angler, you toss it out and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait some more. By the time we let our guard down, the big one bites and we grab the pole, reel like hell, fight, and work it to get it to shore. But what are we stuck with? A great big smelly piece of meat that will grunt with whiskers, such as the drunk guy at the bar. So, no matter what you do in life, always expect to be the best angler you can, toss when you have the bait fully on the hook, and never leave your guard down, because chances are, there is something bigger and badder than what you think you can handle will yank that sucker out and it will be gone. Gone like an ex wife. On the other hand, if you happen to get a bite, and set the hook and reel it in, don't be silly wrap ole willy or you will be just another parent sitting around telling your own little fishin story.

Redneck Pickup Lines

My top 10 pick up lines for my redneck ways are about as follows.

#10. Can you lick your butt like my dog? Cause I love flexability.

#9. Hey baby, you remind me of my cousin, can I take you home and bang your head on my headboard?

#8. Something as hot as you must have one really hot mom, can we go back to your place?

#7. I wanna take you out to my pick-up, just to count your teeth.

#6. Gosh baby, you have an awesome grill, can I soak my teeth with yours tonight?

#5. You remind me of my cousin, wanna go out?

#4. I wanna take you out co-ed naked coon hunting.

#3. I have some sex toys in the shape of pick-ups, animals, and guns.

#2b. Whats the chances you and I can go get my truck stuck?


#2a. Mind if I borrow your teeth while I hit on your sister?


#1. If your cousin ain't got ya yet, come out side and I'll take your virginity in the back of my truck.

Good ole Walmart

As I’m walking into the ever dreaded place on Earth, aka Walmart, I have come to the conclusion that there are limitations when a person is fixin to buy some flip-flops. Not all easy toe riders can pull off such a drastic shoe. You know, they are the thong for the feet.

If you have a toe that looks like a broken branch hanging from a tree, please don’t think about buying them. I’m talkin, the little toe band to try to make your gnarly feet look sexy, and on the same toe that overhangs off the damn flip flop causing sparks when your walking down the parking lot. You have to understand, we have Hispanics around here that don’t fix their gas leaking cars much, not to even add we have a Polish presents in the area also, and it would take them three times more time to understand there is fixin to be an explosion in the parking lot when they are going inside to buy their beans and shit. You could spark some gas and blow that flip flop and gnarly toe off faster than you could put away a Twinkie.

So, please if your feet look like they got caught in a disposal and you’re wearing flip flops, please reconsider.

And Walmart, WTF is up with this self checkout crap? You have 17 lanes with running electricity, and only 2 are open and then 4 self checkouts are working of the 8 because nobody is smart enough to reset the computer. When ya roll up to one of these pieces of work, just stop and look around and see if you can get into a real talking cashier, not the lady in the elevator whose voice has been put into checkouts. That’s a crock of crap, what’s a guy got to do to do voiceovers?

So, I scroll on to the self checkout, and lone and behold I can switch from 2 languages, well all be damn I say, I’m in the U.S. so my language is ENGLISH and should NOT be a choice. Beings in 13 different countries in my time, and having to know their language first, Spanish can kiss my redneck ass. So, I decide that I am gonna toss my pizza over this radar and pay for my shit and get out. But, that dumb elevator chick said I need to bag my crap. Well, guess what bitch, it is and for some reason you can’t see it. So I hit the button a few times and then all hell breaks loose and the light on the stand flashes, the screen is flipping around like a horror movie, and I’m standing there with the lady wearing a toe ring and flip flops asking me what happen and she’s going to have to swipe her card. This pisses me off, I throw my pizza across the isle, with people ducking like The Rock is swinging a machete, and it lands in a crushed up, wrinkled half broken box. I got so mad I tested my temper, and yep, it still works.

I guess the point to be made is Walmart sucks, and if you do go there and buy some pre-sliced, dented box pizza, I’m the guy to thank. But if you didn’t, don’t be silly wrap ole willy. 

Springinter

This crap of for one second bein’ about 80 degrees out where I can wear my
speedo while sitting out on the porch sippin sweet tea and the next morning
waking up with 30 degree temps is for the skunks. Is it to much to ask that we
don’t believe a stupid rodent named Phil from Philadelphia? The last guy I knew
from Philly didn’t know his asshole from a hole in the ground and we run our
lives off of something that is uglier than my ex wife’s sister in a bikini with a thong
up her crack. … Now that right there is an image for ya! All 250 lbs of golf ball
dimpled as. When that lady (loosely termed – Pun intended) walks, it makes Bill
Cosby jealous of Jello. She has more wiggle than an earthworm on a fishing
hook that’s danglin’ in front of a large mouth bass. And that mouth of her’s could
swallow grass carp whole. But enough about the beauty queen for this Blog…
So why this weather then? That ole Assistant President Gore the whore always
said it was global warming. Well, that sure ain’t a sign, I been using stick
deodorant for years, and nothing has changed in my world that’s for sure. Hot
summers, cold winters. I say it’s just a part of a little thing we call seasons, I
know, give me my Piece Prize now, for doing absolutely nothing like the rest
of the banjo pickers for the Mormon Tallywacker Choir getting theirs, by doing
NOTHING. I have scooped 5 inches of partly cloudy white stuff, and then been
rained on with no chance of rain, All in he same week!!. Someone somewhere
is gonna get a talking to by yours truly. I wonder what all is going on upstairs
to make thim think, Ha! watch this trick. I tell ya what, when, and if, I get up
there, I need to have me some questions answered. Then I can just say well,
in Nebraska, this is how it is suppose to go… Then I’ll set that dial on the
thermometer and gradually move it up and down, They’ll be none of this bumping
the temp like a 5 year old playing football in the hallway, and then hip checkin’
the dial. Just nice and easy all done by yours truly… , oh, speaking of nice and
easy, don’t be silly wrap ole willy.

Facebook FOOD

You know to think about it, the Arch Dictator in the White House has brought
about change in this fine world of ours according to exercise. I am totally shocked
the knothead don’t have Facebook, and if he does, then I say tag that man in a
bunch of pork recipes on Facebook! It sure seems like change is coming, I didn’t
mind the pictures, the funny e-cards, and now, really?!? I have to sit there and
look at some concoction of an eagle headed warrior instead of drooling over
duck lips on some half naked chick like I normally do? We might as well just
do a YouTube push and get it all out in the damn open there Zuckerman,. Why
don’t we just play the same ad’s like they have on TV? I was thinkin’ we had
Facebook sos’ we could talk, meet up, hang out, and enjoy some laughs, but
now all of a sudden some escaped hen from the Pintrest party has moved her
pin me junk over to good old Facebook… it’s like the old game of Pin the tail on
a damn donkey and now I got me food recipe’s posted all over and instead of
my Duck faces on Facebook! If this wasn’t a crime yet I’m a gonna recommend
to my congressman that it should be! After all, It’s about time he did something
constructive anyways right?!?
Now as you may or may not know, I’m currently and plan to be a bachelor.
Like most of us, the only oven we know how to operate is of the MICROWAVE
variety… matter fact, seems to me that’s the ONLY oven one even needs, that
I can recon anyways… Now on the other hand, If I wanted one of those nice
looking gourmet meals, I would go out to eat at the Sam’s Club deli like everyone
else! But when I’m sittin’ on my fat ass here in my Laz-z Boy simply cause I’m
not going to let our fine government tell me what I have to do for exercise, the
last thing I want to see is some Pampered Chef whipped up dinner in a crock-pot
bubbling over like a drunk guy that missed his spittoon.
Now to be sure there are a few things that crack me up, but there’s also some
things that get me more riled up than a car thief who forgot his cell phone in the
stolen car, and perhaps (for me at least) this must be one of them. It’s got me so
riled up my hair has even turned red from my face getting so flushed up! So off I
go to suck the soul from whoever I can find that posts that crap on my Facebook
page. Jus you wait till I find em’!
You know, Oddly enough, the more I think about it, maybe I should start a
movement, matter o fact, it probably took me more calories to hit the delete
button than it did to read your dang recipe you slapped on my screen, I really
may be onto something here... Well, screw it, I guess I’ll just go back to find the
duck lipped half naked chick that thinks she’s all that and a bucket of chicken,
(when actually , it takes more than 8 beers to even have her resemble her
profile pic). So, if you want to jump on the bandwagon and join me in this little
campaign, let’s get to it!, But just in case you’re not, don’t be silly n’ wrap ole
willy! (and by the way, good luck with findin’ that perfect chick that matches her
profile pic.

March Madness

Well it’s that time of year again when you have all these wannabe basketball fans & followers putting money on a table making bets their asses can’t cash. One thing’s for sure though, the winner is going to be the winner and second place will just be the first loser same as it's always been! We as Americans just don’t seem to understand the fact that making bets and getting all emotionally wrapped up in some wide eyed college kids who are most likely more excited about finding a few beers and a date on Saturday night just don’t make sense.

 We have come down a long dirt road though I suppose, from the coach tossing chairs at the refs and players, to him then getting a promotion working at a major network and making him out to be much bigger than he really is. Oh Yeah Baby that makes a lot of sense huh?!?! I sit here and wonder as a “normal guy” college football fan & watcher, when is Sandusky going to have a new show titled “Behind the Bars - An Outlook on Sports”? By the way in case you were wondering, none of us are ever gonna know what, where, and most importantly how that whole mess at Penn St. happened!

 Anywho, one thing will remain true though… we’re gonna place our trust in five kids on a court trying to toss a round ball into an apple basket and score some points so WE can try and make some money off of it! Now really, does that make any sense? If that’s our guide, what IS this world coming to anyway? Take for instance most kids these days, they don’t work, mommy and daddy pay for everything, and on top of that they expect everything given to them on a silver platter… Then we as adult’s are gonna let something they actually DO have to work for, oddly enough, and we try to make us a couple hundred bucks off a lucky wager from their hard work! Now those are some Messed up odds don’t ya think?.

 

So as your sitting your fat butt in your lazy-boy watching March Madness on television, and I’m sitting here on mine watching some good ole hockey, wondering who’s going to get suspended for a game by hitting who, (cause I love me some contact sports), sit back n relax, and remember, white men can’t jump!... Or is that just another messed up belief we have been taught from our upbringing? Well, while that movie attempted educate us and make millions in the theater at the same time, it obviously didn’t do enough, cause in the case of college basketball, there are white people that can jump! So take your bets, slap some money on the table, but just remember when you lose, just don’t be surprised if the wife is pissy, and if you happen to win some cashola off the hard work of those kids, just remember one thing…. Don’t be silly, wrap ole willy. ROCK CHALK!!

Small Town USA

Nobody knows what it is like to leave your house unlocked, not have your guns loaded incase of emergency, how a neighbor calls to tell you someone is being crazy down at your business and went and checked it out for you. People have set their ways, thanks to our government, of loading guns, locking doors, and turning this world into survival of the fittest. It's small town Nebraska where this image was all erased this past weekend.
There ain't nothing like gonna do a comedy show, having to throw out some motivational speaking, and then back to the comedy show. One thing came to my mind, they have enough fun in this town without a comic, and somewhere else they need a boost. Well, I came and delivered. I'm not saying they were the hardest crowd, they were all out of high school, but they were "good ole boy" small town USA. A place we have all forgotten about, and let corruption take over and change the way we live.
This is a town where mama can still stay home, and dad bust his ass to make ends meet. If they fall behind some, a neighbor or friend come in and help there. A place where the door locks only meet the jam once a year during the BIG Rodeo. And the only place in America where there is a bar in with the rodeo museum, and the keeper of the museum greets you with a handshake and a beer. A small town that if the weather changes, the mayor speaks up and gives you a place to stay at his house.
We as Americans have totally forgot about this, nor do we read it in books any longer because we want both parents working and make ends hard to meet so we can make it easier for the people that give up in life to find more houses to rob from. This is the small town if they had such a problem, they would shoot, and drag the body inside, and then call for help.
So I challenge you get out, learn about rural America and see how one can put the heart back into yourself to trust others, have others help believe in you, and move on in this world, not really caring about anything other than when the next BIG Rodeo is and what is going to be the entertainment. A great place to visit, but a damn good place to live. Go hit up Burwell Nebraska on your thru and come the last week of July and see the rodeo, I know you will walk out of that town with a new friend, and watch out for the ranch girls, theres only 2 things to do, and if they run out of beer, don't be silly wrap ole willy.

Gun Rights, my feelings, and mine alone

As I sit here, eating a bag of chips, sippin on sweet tea, and typing up this blog. I am watching my stats on here, and OBVIOUSLY Obama"don't"care has taken effect. I am shocked to see that 23 people right now, are either laid off, or maybe, just maybe are reading my blog and watching for their boss over their should. Chances are, laid off.
Some people in this world can think of the most off the wall ideas, and thus be one to me. I have spent 4 years in the U.S. Army, got to shoot all kinds of neat shit, blow stuff up, went to different countries, and have tried many a beers. One thing that really gets to me though, is these assault weapons. Now first off, you cannot hunt with them so don't even try to say we are taking your rights away. If you tried to take my gun rights away, or hunting, we would have a major problem. So what is the point in owning such a rifle? Well, in my world it's just like owning a pitbull. Nothing but a chest badge, making you feel more dominate.
On the other hand, if you really think a robber is going to be scare of an assault gun, you have another thing coming, your chances of knocking them down with a single little 1/4 inch piece of lead has nothing on my 12 gauge shotgun with a spread of a cheap hooker working the Vegas strip. Not only is my shotgun able to be go out and hunt with, but it's gonna rip the drywall down both sides of the hallway down to the studs and knock a robber right in their tracks. The simple sound of metal clunk loading a shotgun is more scary than some scared dude with an assault rifle trying to hit something.
So, beings we live in a nation that has gun rights, pistol rights, and hunting. Why would you buy a gun that only looks good and can't be used for anything else? For the same reason us dudes always look for the trophy wife. She sure is nice to parade around, make your friends drool, but really, who wants all that baggage too? Its not really guns that kill people, it's people that kill people, but if we as American's don't stop and smell the roses, what is the point of even walking in the rose gardens?
I am a firm believer of background checks, mental evals, and dealer determinations. We all know people can say whatever they want on paper, but to have someone actually eye to eye before a weapon sale, would greatly reduce this struggle of owning weapons for us NORMAL people. I know I may offend some, but until those lazy people who just think about themselves up in the Political World stop and figure out every people stems from a cause, they just ain't gonna get it. The blind squirrel finds a nut every once in awhile, but he finds it alot faster with help. Maybe we should all stand up, and stop and think about banning the rights to purchase guns when you are a politician, or postal worker. If we take away their rights, then we can sit around hear them cry whine and carry on. Heck, wanna own a gun, don't run for office, don't make us out to be people that we really aren't.
In the mean time, don't be silly, wrap ole willy, buy shotguns for home defense and raise cane for what you believe in. Someone somewhere will hear you eventually.

Me

It all started in April back in 1972, when I went to the party with my dad and left with my mom. I never really had a chance to ask questions, but it really got to bothering me and one day I asked my mom what happen, she said, "we ran out of beer at the party, so we had to find other entertainment." Now damn, only if I would have thought about that earlier in life.
I grew up in a small town in Kansas until my dad figured it was time to learn a second language and moved us up to Nebraska, and then we were in a packing plant town. Totally amazing, I can still remember to this day when I was about 8 years old and seen my first colored person, and asked my mom how they stay so tan. Yep, that was me. Never afraid.
The only reason I graduated from High School was because I threatened the Principle and told him he thought I was ornery the last 3 years, wait until he gives me one more. Plus I already had signed up in the Army and he figured get this little bastard out of country. And I did, graduated with about 300 people, on which all knew me, and I knew few. Still to this day I have that problem. I always wanted to make a name for myself. I knew I could move up in the world, especially after being stupid and getting married twice, the second time was my brothers fault, he came and stuck a stick up my ass and called me a sucker. Ya, that was an experience all of it's own. I went from Mr. Right to Mr. Fukinwrong in 24 hours. Didn't know they made a pill for that.
Heck I was a great husband, I worked my ass off so they could stay as materialistic as they wanted, and little did I know, they were sharing the bed with strangers. Always wondered why my pillow smelled like Old Spice and Polo. But, every husband knows, don't ask questions, just shut up and keep on keeping on.
I got me 4 kids and a vasectomy, in which I ain't gonna tell ya which one is my favorite, but, I'm sure you can figure that one out. Speaking of turning bulls into steers, some clown ask me if it changes anything, at first I thought,, then thought again. I said ya, it sure does, have ya ever taken a baby powder container and squeezed it and poof that cloud of powder gets shot in the air like the pictures of an atom bomb going off? It's just like that, poof, it's all over.
One day, I knew if I kept my hopes, pushed, believed in myself, I could one day, move on. Move onto something I always wanted to do, entertain the world with a sense of humor, and have fun doing it. I know deep inside I could rock television, but the way that our kids are going, and us parents buying them video games to preserve their virginity, I also need to become a good voice over for some PS3 games. So, heck, why not, the moral of the story is, you never get younger, and do everything possible to make it where your ex's turn on their TV and have to watch you. Make them think, cuss, swear, want more money from you, and all that neat stuff, while your out explaining how the poof works, and make people love ya for who you are.
If you don't believe in yourself, who's gonna believe in ya? Never be afraid, and dang sure, don't be silly wrap ole willy or one day you yourself will be sitting writing a blog just like this.

Summer Time

It coming about that time of year when flip flops, corns, bunyans, and all the other nice things come out. Not to forget, warmer weather, no frost, panting dogs, and armpit sweat. It's it just lovely to think of summer around the corner? Oh must I forget, Walmart, the time we see daisy dukes on golf ball dimpled legs, Frito toenails, half shirts, and droopy stomachs. And the best time of year, the line up for the fairs. Nothing gets me more excited than the fair coming to town, where else in America can we run down and wait in line to have some toothless Jane or Joe make us a funnel cake?
The weather is getting warmer, incase you haven't noticed, and the days are getting longer, hints to why your ass is being pulled in a wagon behind you every morning. But we as Americans stand up, sweat loud and be proud. Talk about some strange happenings, I was abducted by aliens the other night, oddest thing that ever did happen to me. Thank God they let me go when they found out I didn't speak English.
But on the other hand, living in central Nebraska, not only do we have the County Fair that brings in all the Walmart shopper look-a-likes, we also have the State Fair. That's right, our metropolis, the only place the mayor can get a DUI and stay in office, but the Lt. Governor calls a chick on his phone and gets the boot, we are proud to host such an event. We can attract some of the strangest ducks, from a 60 year old with perfect circular boobs and winkled up like a scrotum on a 90 year old, but wearing that bikini top. God bless us, or help us, either way we are upside down.
Ole Large Marge is straining the grease from last year, and getting her permits ready, charging up her golf cart, and saving money by cutting off the arms on her t-shirts. But, we all know she makes killer fried foods, and we can't wait to lubricate our intestines with her delights. You all know me, I say toss on some strawberries or cherries and call it healthy. Dang skippy. Dig in, grab some paper towels to help stop the grease from running down your elbow, beings we can't lick our elbows, or maybe Celo Green can, humm, that should be on Mythbusters.
But when it starts warming up, don't forget, bathe, mow the yard, do all the honey do crap you have put off all winter, and find a good beach with scenery that is good on a mans eyes. Not looking for the chick that goes in the tanning bed smoking a cig, trying to just put on a front, but I'm talking a sharp dressed swimsuit wearing hottie. And when ya find it, let your balls drop, start off a chat, and then don't be silly wrap ole willy.