tattoos

Tats are a sign of coolness. Most old day tats were naked ladies and military symbols, but new artistic signs are definitely for viewers pleasure.
Like a chick with squirrel tat on her inner thigh, squirrels are always looking for nuts. Or a you are here tat on her lower back, no I came here and now I'm gone. That's like a guy having join the crowd on his member.
I love the tramp stamps, it gives me a better reason to view chicks butts, and is a great cover up when really your thinking damn that's nice. But never take a girl with a naked girl on her forearm or an anchor on her upper arm, you might just find the chain to the anchor.
Some have roses, some animals, some even have photos, all in all, not many are bad. But its the ones you have to lift skin to see that just aren't worth the ink. If I were a tat dude, all would be damn good priced, cool, and only getting one if the pants are off half way, just saying.....
But to keep my tat simple I have Wendy on my penis,,,,,when I'm excited it says "welcome to Jamaica have a nice day". So I'm proud, if I invite you to Jamaica you know what's in store.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Last one Standing

Lucky is when you don't leave the bar with the last chick standing. Nothing is worse than taking home a girl that needs a king size bed and no room for you. There is a reason she is the last one standing, and beings she was the only girl buying her own drinks all night does not mean she is classy. The usual signs of the last one standing are very much out there, but you have to drink and pay attention, which are two words that don't mix well with each other.
The last one standing is always dressed with a tight ass shirt trying to just feel good about her over filling middle. Like a big ole jelly donut with 1 swipe on frosting. You wouldn't by that crappy iced donut. Or atleast I wouldn't, I like a donut that makes me know I am going to be fat.
She pays for her drinks, nobody else in the bar is tall and skinny, which is what everyone of those girls end up with. How that is? I have no idea, its like a fly on a curtain, you really have to look to see the fly. But the curtain can smash that fly. Maybe that is the shape it takes to enter the space. There certainly isn't much room in the middle, and we all know she isn't no gymanist.
She pretends she has alot of friends, but when you ask them, they don't associate a friendship level with her. She is running around, giving hugs, acting like old class mates, or the leader of TOPS club. Try hard to fit in, but even sideways, the fit just isn't going to work out for ya.
For some reason, it is always the ugliest girl that thinks she is the hottest. The old line of there isn't a guy here good enough. Shit, there isn't a guy at the bar drunk and dumb enough to ask for a death by smashing. For some reason, died from being smothered, never reads good from a newspaper.
So the moral of the story is, you wouldn't drive a camper to work everyday, so why the hell would you take the big last girl at the bar home? Some cars sit on the lot and never get a testdrive, and some are driven hard, but its' the one with low milage and economical that make night better. Man invented the pillowcase to hide that crap you bring home drunk, but there is no invention to take the scare out of your face when you wake up with such a mess. But the overstuffed ass wrangles are out there, be careful, and remember, friends don't let friends get smothered by fat hairy chicks.

Did you KNOW

Did you know that man invented clear cool-aid so you can add in to the shower head and make them sticky without the water turning red or purple?
Did you know that if a guy passes out and you shave one of his legs, chances are he will shave the other on his own?
Did you know that if you lead a donkey to water and then kick him in the balls he will inhale 5 gallons of water?
Did you know only the special girls can spell their name in the snow without getting their feet wet?
Did you know if you call a woman the wrong name during the intimate moment, you get a black eye?
Did you know if you put mascara on your beard to hide your gray hair your shirt gets a black stripe and others laugh?
Did you know if you wear black pants to work and irk your gerkin before chances are those you work with will notice what happen?
Did you know that most people just pretend to not speak english but if you yell at them and cuss they understand it all?
Did you know that if you walk around with your fly down only the meat gazers will tell you it is down?
Did you know that kids just love to push your buttons cause they can?
If you ever wondered about some of these, just stop and think, most of us can understand where it is that I came up with these, and others will be WHAT is wrong with this dude? But all in all, if you don't know the reaction of something, try it. Like shaving one eyebrow off a person, I bet they shave the other one, and then the funny look is only half your problem, you didn't cause it.
The greatest things in life come from having a crash test dummy around to try new stunts out on. So get your dummy and make them proud.

neighborhood watch

If you have some close neighbors you know the routine. They will tell ya someone was sniffing around in your territory. But every block has that one neighbor who is nosey Nelly.
If you leave your garage door open at night and nobody calls ya, either one of 2 things have happen. Either someone shut off the neighborhood watch for the night, or you are that nosey Nelly and nobody wants to bring attention to themselves.
But at my crib, my neighbors were old, nosey, and didn't get in the middle. For 2 years my ex decided to sleep with everyone but me, run around in bra and panties when I was gone with the shades open. But never did that neighborhood watch switch go to neighborhood help. Until the day I was moving out, then they all came out spilling the beans, and educating me.
So if you go to bed and nobody calls about the garage door, think about what's going on. But don't forget to ask if anything weird is happening at the crib when your gone.
And that is why I am a window peeker, I'm not a pervert, I'm just trying to help out.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

3rd world countries

One lovely thing I happen to remember about my time in the FIRST Gulf War, was the drop and run holes in the floor. We call them toilets, but over there, it was a far cry from a chair or anything comfortable.
It was alot like a corn field or grass pasture but without something tickling your butt. You had on 12 inch high boots, loose cut pants, and most would take off the uniform shirt. How them towelheads performed such a maneuver in a white rob is way beyond me. Mine would be pinstripes on the back.
No back support, and a little porcelain spittoon to try dropping a butt middle into. Most of us did the drop and run, or more like a drop and shuffle. In fear a log would roll back at ya out of the 3inch hole, you got out of the way.
But one better was, the sewer system didn't have the technology to handle toilet paper, oh well for me, thank God for Ziploc bags. I was always packing my own tp.
But that was an experience, and oh next time you use a stall, they were non existing over there, so you really had yo pay attention beings the holes were only a foot away. But that was where my screw And screwdriver came into play, my toilet door always locked.
So next time you go and sit down, check you phone read a magazine, stop and think about our troops, giggle occupy want, almost all of us tipped over at one point.
But most important, don't shake the left hand of a towelhead.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

pictures

So to the vast majority of single females, the reason for owning a webcam is a part time job. They take all these silly pictures, Patty them on Facebook, and think us guys won't find out they have a part time gig.
Well, the purple head gives it away. It sticks out worse than a viagra pill in an seldom bottle. But some of those girls are way to good looking to be just sitting at home alone.
So therefore, they need a social life, that's when a buddy with a hot tub inside his house comes in handy.
Invite her over to his place, watch some football while she's doing what all women would do and sit in the tub. Little does she know when she gets out, the house is going to feel like a fireplace, and off goes the clothes.
Now to make her really feel at home, pull out the video camera, then say, gosh you don't even have to run this webcam. If she gets mad and stomps out, make sure your a true friend and toss her a box of batteries out the door. So purple heads on Facebook aren't all bad you just have to know how to approach them.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

finally

After all these years, I figured it out. Woman always bitch guys are to fast. I have the perfect concoction. 2muscle relaxers, 2 Vicodin, and a purple pill. She will be begging for mercy like a death row inmate sitting in the chair during a power outage.
Nothing like becoming the energizer bunny in one night, but man when you are done, you best be close to your bed, it isn't no 5hour energy drink. Your going to crash harder than a crash test dummy in an airplane accident.
But on the lighter side, she will be so shocked that she will be late for work the next day. Lol jokes on her. And all of a sudden, you are the star.
So give it a try, I have no idea why they can't just make one pill for Superman, they have everything else out there. But nothing to help a guy become Superman in the sheets.
So, party like a rockstar, and don't tell me thanks for helping, I don't want the image of you in my head.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

dirty talk

So, why is it once you have a girl she don't like to talk dirty anymore? From the night you brought her home from three bar she cursed like a sailor, so much it Meade a truck driver blush. But now she won't even say head thinking you are going to get excited.
So, to make it exciting, I get her fired up so she will curse at me. For some reason I do not have a problem pissing her off. I'm man, she's woman.
But in the heat off the moment, I love to slip some dirty talk in talk in her ear. Pull some hair, bark, anything for the shock and ah factor.
But one thing I have learned, don't bring a girl home that you don't know her name. My buddy did that, he came in work the next day with a fat lip, and black eye. He called her the wrong name in the middle of his night to remember.
But some dirty talk, or flashing in a public place, like church, isn't all bad, you have to keep them on their toes. Never let a woman think she has you figured out, the shock and ah factor, the dirty talk will keep her one leg higher than the other. :-)
And dirty talk isn't;
Dirty girl dirty girl
Eyes like a hog
Roll on over
So I can hump you like a dog.
That also is black eye, bloody nose talk.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Rules of engagement

Before one has a night bringing home a woman, I have some tips.
First, always perform the crotch check. One does not want to take something home that is longer than him.
Never stay with a girl who is smaller in the waist than you. Reason being, she would think she wears the pants. You have to remind them, try these pants on, they can only get them to their waist, then tell them, I wear the pants here.
Don't stick with a girl who says this drink taste funny when you slip spanish fly in it. She will catch on so fast your hand won't even have a chance of break in period.
Make sure she can clean. Make damn sure she can cook. Walk in on her in the shower to see if she had to shave her nipples, or mustache. That gives you a chance to run if she does.
Check her job status, see if she makes more than she spends, or of she needs a sugar daddy. If she makes lots more, keep her and get joint account.
Plug in a porn during movie night to see her reaction, if she says gross, sex may be an issue, if she likes it, rip off the clothes.
But before you decide your hand needs a replacement, get some as often as you can. That is the only toy that you can't wear out, no matter how hard you try. Insure she knows you don't share, but do donate old toys to the needy.
So with that word of advise, get out, stop playing xbox cause your a geek, put away the computer and paying to see something you will never feel, and get ya some.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

The two N's

What a better night than muscle relaxers, nebraska football, and nascar? I can be a total redneck and not even care. Nor have the power to get my own drink.
So I have trained my leg humping dog to open the fridge, and bring captain soft leg another drink. More that's awesome. But the football game sucks, as always we are like a tampon, only good until the last string. And nascar, it had had more cautions than the big fat lady walking backwards over crap at walmart.
So, on another channel I found jennifer nettles singing to me. I know it was to me because we made that eye contact. She was looking right at me in the tv. God, she is hot, I'm glad she sees me that way too.
I would.........ah heck, green flag, these cars are faster than a black man running from a kkk rally.
And now to watch nebraska try to play football, cause jennifer is obviously on her way to my crib, and when she's here, heck with tv.
So, grab some chair, a good dog, and the remote and enjoy....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

The Barber Shop

I don't know how many people enjoy going to the barber shop, but man, do I ever. It may just be because I still have hair, or atleast SOME.. When I head on in, the barbers just start laughing, must be warming up. Today was one of those special days.
I walked it, and ole Rob said the usual, YUUUUUP, easy on the top. And off we went. Shortly after, a young kid came in with his mom. I had to educate that kid, beings he wasn't mine, he was telling his mom he will need braces. He just got new glasses, but the education just came spilling out my mouth. I said braces? Oh man, don't kiss girls when you have braces, you will get locked together. He had a  deer in the headlights look on his face and his eyes got as big around as his glasses, my guess is he was about 8.
So I added, if you do, just make darn sure when your locked up you drag her to your house, and not hers. Her dad seems to get madder than your will, I use to wear glasses, and had braces, and kissed this girl, we got locked together at our teeth and I went to her house. Now I don't need glasses, her dad hit me so hard that the lens popped out and just wrapped around my eye.
By now, I think we might have another wrist flipper in town, I think I scared him, but man oh man I thought Rob was going to cut my ear off laughing. The poor guy that came in after the kid, had no idea who I was, nor what he was in for. He didn't know if I was being serious or joking, I love that look, the look around to see if everyone else is laughing and then ha ha, not knowing if someone was going to jump him.
Its alot like telling a colored joke to colored people, the whites always look around to make sure the blacks are laughing first and then they decide to laugh. My god, get some NUTS and let her go, laugh or don't.
But anywho, I am now one sexy dude with a NICE haircut, and he decided he didn't want to wax, or do a feather,,,,,,,cheap bastard. But he knows I will be back, as long as I have hair. All hail OTTOS.

The little things

Its the little things in life that are the most memorable, like working, when a female customer comes in, I like to run over, open the door for her, slap her on the butt and say glad you came.
I love selling my clothing line, the ex, the perfect panty is a thing with"I came first"printed on the front". And the matching bra, out of samples.
But the greatest little thing you can do, is just walk over to 54 inch hip, and tell her if she wants to work her butt off, walk to omaha, or buy a elliptical. For some reason, they are over joyed.
Its the smallest gestures you do, to make people remember you for ever, if they don't, call the short bus to give then a ride home.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Younger days

Back when I was younger and influenced by jack and daniels, and yukon, I had this great idea to make 50 dollars. So I grabbed a needle, and 2 rings and pierced my nipples.
If I would have known I would be affected by a life long titty hardon, I might of passed, but NO, I had to get the cash. So now that is how I roll, with 2 other eyes.
But there are tons of things I learned, bark collars hurt on your neck, the average person can't jump 3 stories without knowing how to fall. But I was tough, and healed up fast back then. Its no wonder I'm even still here making people laugh.
But best of all, my kids aren't as dumb as me, they won't be influenced by their dad, for some reason they won't get into the dryer while their cousin turns it on to ride it out, they don't have the desire to become a rodeo clown, and they don't like people with piercings.
But maybe one day, I can express to them the importance of laughter, and not stupidity, but I'm sure they won't listen, they are kids.
So until then, just keeping it real and showing them 4 eyes are watching them, even in the summer, and titty twisters hurt like hell with hoops in, maybe they can gather some knowledge from their wise father and not repeat the crazy things he has done, but chances are NOT, they have my genes.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Animals

Many of you by now have understood what goes through my mind, and please let me know. But back in the days when I was a medic, and got paid to palpate boobs, on the ambulance during a transfer of a patient from city to city, you get real bored.
So one day, I grabbed the pa mic, flipped the siren over to pa, and started mooing at daryle in the field. Much to my surprise, I started a new trend, them suckers would run to that speaker like a fat girl taking off for free ice cream. From 3 hills over I could call them in.
My partner about wrecked us twice laughing so hard, but by god, heck with horses to wrangle the cows, I could do it in the air conditioning.so one we went, field after field, them cows all lined up to the fence like welfare check cashers at walmart customer service.
People passing by probably thought, damn, wonder why all them cows are lined up? Weather must be going to change. Nope.
But one thing that does happen, is when kids try to be animals around the house, then when you take them to the zoo, they do the animal call, the animal gives then the what the hell are you look and runs off not to be seen again.
I say, become one with the animal, know what they enjoy, do it, and see how far they can sprint before falling over dead. I guess I better be careful which animal I call also.
But a few weeks later after my accidental emergency unit cattle calling idea, the local police were trying to coral a core on the north side of town, but they couldn't get it. I heard it all on my radio, from trying to type it, to sirens, to running, they were like a turd in a punch bowl. I drive up, have them an education, and in 15 minutes they were all laughing their butts off, and the chow was in the fence.
Still to this day, I tell them, I can call cows, didn't you see my ex? I can't tell them I have called for over hundreds of miles and pastures, but they too, like you, think I have lost my mind.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Great things

Sometimes in life you wait until the things just come to you, with a mind like mine, oh they come alright.
Like why do people have fast cars but drive so slow? Drive it like you stole it or get the heck out of my way.
Who ever said bald isn't beautiful? If it wasn't, girls wouldn't pay so much for bikini wax.
But one thing we all missed in the book of life is your not old unless you trip over your balls or boobs, and for some, they could do both.
The world is made up of such great people, you just can't find them, the great ones are ninja. It is easier to nail jello onto a tree than to find a keeper anymore. But who's judging? Those damn ducks mate with the same one forever, and that is exactly why man hunts duck, they make us look bad.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

State Fair

From the State Fair of FOOD ON A STICK, THE GOOD LIFE?? Really?
Doing all the things that your heart don't want all in one day is not the way I want to exit the world. And seeing the people with no arms, teeth, and tat's all down their body really isn't that appatizing to a guy like me. But the dude down at the balloon pop had an awesome naked lady tat on his forearm......just saying.
Next year, I want to name the FAIR. Dang sure won't be fat on a stick, or a dr's worse enemy. But something like, NO TEETH ALL FUN. NO TAT, NO SHOW. Or better yet, DRESS CODE NEED NOT APPLY.
Comeon now, I seen a easily over weight "farm" girl, wearing a short mini skirt, tube top with cowboy boots on. REALLY???? I bet toothless Tina can't look like that even serving sweaty people freshly squeezed lemonade. And freshly squeezed? There wasn't even a lemon in the trailer. But heck, for $5 it was good. Obviously I have the wrong perfession, and must have some GREAT dental insurance. I love my grill.
The fair is the only place it is okay to walk into a building with others having animal shit on your shoe. Nobody even cares, they just say, Animals good?? YUUUUUUP. And the crap is fresher than that lemonade from toothless tina.
So if you want to feel really GQ, and great about yourself, but extremely jealous of your tattoo, go on down to the fair and take a gander at the crowd, spend a couple hundred, or pass out your dentist business card into the tip jar.
LIFE IS GOOD, on my side of the fence, the grass hasn't been chewed on by a bucktooth corndog fryer that can eat corn on the cob through a chain link fence. So meet me down at the OUTDOOR WALLY and we can have a laugh together.