If your wanting some goodness of burning rubber and oil into your nasal cavity, our local dirt track is the place to be. So, I got an invite to ride in the packer/push truck this last Saturday night, and to much of the ideas in my head about these dudes, for some reason I hit it on the head. To show up, and the first person out there that talks to us, i i i i i is s s s s s s stuttering s s s s s Stanley. This guy, all of some Rustler jeans, wife beater tank top, and for some reason, he thought it was cold outside. My nipples weren't even hard, but his, looked like a butterball turkey that was ready to come out of the over.
I just l l l l l l love those guys. Talk about a waste of time, I sat there for 10 minutes while he finally told me, " My mom and dad said I can't park my muddy truck in the driveway." So, I answered back, ask your parents why they park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway, and left it as that. I didn't have the time for him to spit out, good one. Nice guy, when he was 3 cars away, if there was a professional track packer, this dude would be the poster child.
I hop in the old blazer, flip on the whoopee light, and we are off. Driving around, and around, around, around, and around again, the track. Then the cars start showing up, little kids, girls, guys, old farts, grease monkeys, farmers with a 4 year degree, pregnant girlfriend, and implement paint on their car. I got to meet them all. Nice guys, nothing is better than people who dream of driving for NASCAR, and of course, they know I will look up to them, cause I'm a redneck like that. They go out, hot laps, qualifying, then the mains. Not to many wrecks, but man, when a racer is going to have to cut spending on something, I found out that the car starter was the first place. Don't mind ya, the blazer I was riding in had to be started with a pair of pliers, and with all them guys around, I'm shocked the pliers are still there. Them farmers don't just leave pliers laying down like my last ex wife for anyone.
The ole boy I was with, we were a pushing, watching, laughing, and had a lovely sexy mama with a jelly roll underneath her baby bump, and some petite pajamas in which all the about hung out like a snake eating a chicken. She was smoking a cig, knocked up, big ole girl, with the tall skinny guy. We won't put her in the limelights since she was smoking, but man, you couldn't even find something like that in Walmart. I think maybe she put the crack in cracker. But what do I know.
The people, the drivers, the push truck which is still lucky to be alive. I had the time of my life, that was awesome, but the pissers sucked. All in all it was great, and until I do it again, I will just have to dream about having me a pack truck with no wipers, no back hatch handle, started with pliers, and racing tires on it to do it myself. Now only if that crackers man wasn't silly and wrapped ole willy, I would have missed a site.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Motorcycle Dude
What is it about great big dudes in leather that all these chicks just can't get enough of? I mean, little chicks, and big ole motorcycle guys. I don't get it, don't he split you open like a can opener in the heat of the night? I mean, gosh darn, I guess I need more McDonald's and a Harley to check this out. And why do they get a bad wrap? Those guys are the funnest people around.
If I was as big as some of them, I would go into a bar and just toss people around like panties in the night. But, I guess I'm not, I have a hard time holding my thing when I'm peeing, let alone some hairy skinny guy. So the other day, I got me some clothes, that I thought came with the attitude. I got some chaps, one of them bandoleer things for my hair, some boots, and ripped off the sleeves to an American Eagle shirt to go out and be Mr Badass. Something about a dude in a SOUL just didn't start the night off right.
So I climb out of the car, skipping steps up to the door because I can, damn near fell twice. Swung open and door, and the original thing happen. It got completely QUIET. So I click clunked my way up to the bar, shoulders back, chin up high to stretch out my double chin, and fist's clinched. That's when I started hearing the giggles. No everyone knows, you don't laugh at the big bad guy at the bar.
I have no idea what this bars problem was. You think it was the pink shirt? Pink flame bandoleer on my head or my red shit kickers? I have no idea, tough is tough, but I figured out it had to be I forgot to shave my ass before I put on the chaps. There was no reason to be silly and forget to wrap ole willy that night.
If I was as big as some of them, I would go into a bar and just toss people around like panties in the night. But, I guess I'm not, I have a hard time holding my thing when I'm peeing, let alone some hairy skinny guy. So the other day, I got me some clothes, that I thought came with the attitude. I got some chaps, one of them bandoleer things for my hair, some boots, and ripped off the sleeves to an American Eagle shirt to go out and be Mr Badass. Something about a dude in a SOUL just didn't start the night off right.
So I climb out of the car, skipping steps up to the door because I can, damn near fell twice. Swung open and door, and the original thing happen. It got completely QUIET. So I click clunked my way up to the bar, shoulders back, chin up high to stretch out my double chin, and fist's clinched. That's when I started hearing the giggles. No everyone knows, you don't laugh at the big bad guy at the bar.
I have no idea what this bars problem was. You think it was the pink shirt? Pink flame bandoleer on my head or my red shit kickers? I have no idea, tough is tough, but I figured out it had to be I forgot to shave my ass before I put on the chaps. There was no reason to be silly and forget to wrap ole willy that night.
Simple Rules
Back when I went to school, I use to get in trouble for gum, candy, skoal, skipping class, and mostly,,,,talking. I don't know how they ever thought I talked to much, what I have to say is more interesting, obviously or people in the whole area wouldn't be able to hear a mouse fart when I start talking. I walk into a room, and complete silence comes along, with everyone just sitting there looking at me like I my fly is down, or I have a sting of toilet paper on my shoe, I don't get it. I'm just me.
So, I usually break the ice with something like holy shit, did you see the boss's wife's boobs? Now I know where my raise went. Just something to hear other than the ringing in my ears. But, now days, there are alot of rules I need to place out there for people to think about. Such as:
Never pull out anal beads like your starting a weedeater.
Never strum a G string with your thumb, it may not be long enough for her.
Don't be the dude who takes the last single chick at the bar.
Always ask what time her husband gets home BEFORE you get naked.
Never assume assume a woman will make you a sandwich when she's packing a taco.
Always check to see if you deleted all those texts before you get home.
And, the most important rule is,,,,,NEVER EVER say Don't let your meat loaf to a female stripper. This event caused me a bump on the head where I opened the door, and road rash from the roll down the curb into the street. And if that happens to you, don't try to go in just to finish your beer, it's a repeat cycle.
But, if your the guy that get's that last chick from the bar, remember, shes last for a reason, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
So, I usually break the ice with something like holy shit, did you see the boss's wife's boobs? Now I know where my raise went. Just something to hear other than the ringing in my ears. But, now days, there are alot of rules I need to place out there for people to think about. Such as:
Never pull out anal beads like your starting a weedeater.
Never strum a G string with your thumb, it may not be long enough for her.
Don't be the dude who takes the last single chick at the bar.
Always ask what time her husband gets home BEFORE you get naked.
Never assume assume a woman will make you a sandwich when she's packing a taco.
Always check to see if you deleted all those texts before you get home.
And, the most important rule is,,,,,NEVER EVER say Don't let your meat loaf to a female stripper. This event caused me a bump on the head where I opened the door, and road rash from the roll down the curb into the street. And if that happens to you, don't try to go in just to finish your beer, it's a repeat cycle.
But, if your the guy that get's that last chick from the bar, remember, shes last for a reason, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Rubber Dude
There are somethings in this world that just make me wonder. Like a year worth of rubbers being called a goodyear, what the hell? Every vehicle we own, has these damn black rubber donuts on them, I just hope I never run into the guy who makes them holes while I'm in prison. Talk about walking bull legged, holy smoking spider monkeys all over my back trying to bite my ear. I tried that one day, back when I was younger, tossing tires at a warehouse, I was pretty damn sore.
Now we got this jingle bell character who believes in slave labor and laying all the tires for the store outside in a neat little stack, every morning, every night, they are there stacking the pile. I mean, back when I was younger, they always said that rubber will dry rot when out in the open and not being used. Kind of like a cheap hooker, well maybe, they don't ever close up either, but when their OBGYN uses the term BATTLE DAMAGE, you know you got a hooker. You can't get that classy just by shitting kids.
But tossing tires, telling ladies that smell good with short cut shirts they need new rubbers, will get you a heck of a look. I would be the dude that tells them they need to stand next to the car to hold it up on the rack when they have a skirt on. A cheap thrill for expensive rubbers. And why the hell are they all black? Now that Rodney King has died, maybe we can rubbers that will match our wheels, or car colors. I'm about tired of having to spray paint mine, I would love to have NO HUNTING on there from when they were new. But who knows, if you get that hooker that will hold her car, give her a discount. And whatever you do, don't by tires from an outside display that has been out there rain sleet snow and sun for more than 30 days, you wouldn't buy milk that looks like cottage cheese, head on out to the OTHER DUDES in town, or just south of town, like Cross Dillon, where the rubbers are fresh as a baby's smell, and a helping hand will get ya balanced and rotated without causing you to walk any differently. And when ya get, get, get, the chance to buy the real rubber, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Now we got this jingle bell character who believes in slave labor and laying all the tires for the store outside in a neat little stack, every morning, every night, they are there stacking the pile. I mean, back when I was younger, they always said that rubber will dry rot when out in the open and not being used. Kind of like a cheap hooker, well maybe, they don't ever close up either, but when their OBGYN uses the term BATTLE DAMAGE, you know you got a hooker. You can't get that classy just by shitting kids.
But tossing tires, telling ladies that smell good with short cut shirts they need new rubbers, will get you a heck of a look. I would be the dude that tells them they need to stand next to the car to hold it up on the rack when they have a skirt on. A cheap thrill for expensive rubbers. And why the hell are they all black? Now that Rodney King has died, maybe we can rubbers that will match our wheels, or car colors. I'm about tired of having to spray paint mine, I would love to have NO HUNTING on there from when they were new. But who knows, if you get that hooker that will hold her car, give her a discount. And whatever you do, don't by tires from an outside display that has been out there rain sleet snow and sun for more than 30 days, you wouldn't buy milk that looks like cottage cheese, head on out to the OTHER DUDES in town, or just south of town, like Cross Dillon, where the rubbers are fresh as a baby's smell, and a helping hand will get ya balanced and rotated without causing you to walk any differently. And when ya get, get, get, the chance to buy the real rubber, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Candy
Oh man, I tell ya, I'm about as riled up as a paraplegic that can finally feel his toes. I mean, I just got back from Walmart, and remember nothing about anything I seen, my eyes became a madness for candy, and my wallet got alot lighter. I found some Crunch bars that taste like girl scout cookies, whew, scared I was gonna forget to type cookies. They have coconut and carmel, that is totally a tastebud orgasm, I mean if I wasn't an addict, I would give up sex for these. But, I'm not gonna, I tried a help group one time.
I sat there in my chair, kinda drunk, kinda high, kinda normal, whatever that is. And they went around the classroom introducing themselves, it came to be my turn, and yep, I was zoned out, had to be tunnel vision or something, or maybe, hell, who am I kidding. The lady called on me, I guess twice, she didn't think I'm a male and hard of hearing was a good enough answer, so she asked what was on my mind. So I started telling her, 50 Shades of Gray, your boobs, your tight ass, and I am currently undressing you with my eyes, now will you just sign the damn contract? Well, that was the last time I seen her, and my class buddies, I have no idea what her deal was, maybe she hasn't heard of the books. Well, I could educate her like a homeless person on how to hide a take a dump.
She was really nice though, she did happen to give me her name and address. It was on the protection order the sheriff gave to me. Bless his heart for looking out for me, he said I can't go back to class for a year, so I hope she don't get knocked up or anything, or find a love for candy. All I know is she looks like she maybe allergic to dick, it could make her belly swell, guess don't be silly wrap ole willy, and see ya in a year teach!!!
I sat there in my chair, kinda drunk, kinda high, kinda normal, whatever that is. And they went around the classroom introducing themselves, it came to be my turn, and yep, I was zoned out, had to be tunnel vision or something, or maybe, hell, who am I kidding. The lady called on me, I guess twice, she didn't think I'm a male and hard of hearing was a good enough answer, so she asked what was on my mind. So I started telling her, 50 Shades of Gray, your boobs, your tight ass, and I am currently undressing you with my eyes, now will you just sign the damn contract? Well, that was the last time I seen her, and my class buddies, I have no idea what her deal was, maybe she hasn't heard of the books. Well, I could educate her like a homeless person on how to hide a take a dump.
She was really nice though, she did happen to give me her name and address. It was on the protection order the sheriff gave to me. Bless his heart for looking out for me, he said I can't go back to class for a year, so I hope she don't get knocked up or anything, or find a love for candy. All I know is she looks like she maybe allergic to dick, it could make her belly swell, guess don't be silly wrap ole willy, and see ya in a year teach!!!
Ninja Warrior
Taking a couple weeks off is about to settle inside my head and make it so I am on anti psych meds,,,,,again. I had to stop the first time cause I kept biting my tongue when I was rolling it. Guess, some of you will be on Google to find that side effect, hummm, how's it feel to be dumber than a redneck? Take that and pluck your chicken. So, I'm watching this show on TV, magine that, named Ninja Warrior. What the hell? Not a one of these dudes can be blinded by dental floss, not a one has a tan good enough for food stamps, and none of them are in a GeeGee, or what the hell ever that sewn up sheet is called.
They think they can be ninja? Crap, I'm ninja, I can get into a chicks pants quicker than she can spit out her last 3 hair colors. Now that's fast, and for some requires some thinking, in which if you are still thinking, damn blonde's. We use to do that kind of shit out in the school lot when I was a kid, we didn't do it to be cool, or be on TV. Back in those day's, we wanted to dance like zombies, on Thriller, while wearing a glove and grabbing our nuts to sing real high.
I have done more crazy crap on accident then these dudes stage. Let's add some fun to it. I wanna sit on the sideline, toss some throwing stars, and wing some butterfly knives at em, lets see what they got. I don't wanna watch some mushy kid in love with his mom try to be Ninja, freaking snakes are Ninja, that's the only reason they sneak up on you, being on TV, especially a show, does not make you sneaky. But, while you are on the show, and I'm sitting next to your girl, getting her clothes off with my Ninja button flips, I'll think about ya and not be silly, and wrap my willy.
They think they can be ninja? Crap, I'm ninja, I can get into a chicks pants quicker than she can spit out her last 3 hair colors. Now that's fast, and for some requires some thinking, in which if you are still thinking, damn blonde's. We use to do that kind of shit out in the school lot when I was a kid, we didn't do it to be cool, or be on TV. Back in those day's, we wanted to dance like zombies, on Thriller, while wearing a glove and grabbing our nuts to sing real high.
I have done more crazy crap on accident then these dudes stage. Let's add some fun to it. I wanna sit on the sideline, toss some throwing stars, and wing some butterfly knives at em, lets see what they got. I don't wanna watch some mushy kid in love with his mom try to be Ninja, freaking snakes are Ninja, that's the only reason they sneak up on you, being on TV, especially a show, does not make you sneaky. But, while you are on the show, and I'm sitting next to your girl, getting her clothes off with my Ninja button flips, I'll think about ya and not be silly, and wrap my willy.
Just don't know
I have some straight friends, and some gay friends, everyone has the right to their own confusion, as long as they don't try to pressure someone into joining that don't stand on that side of the plate, I don't have an issue. I mean, if any single guy was smart, he would have gay friends, for some reason them dudes always have the hot chicks everywhere. So, you take em, 3 couples of gay dudes, and ME, lol, I am the dude to be scared of. I mean, who is going to be scared to allow their lady to go hang out with some gay guys? If they only knew there was a shark among the waters.
But, beings I am dark on the side of weddings, I thought of some things just to enlighten me, and help maybe me understand. They always say there is no difference between them, treat everyone equal, so, in a gay wedding do they have bridesmaids? I mean, there is 2 dudes. If you have 2 doves in a tree, you don't have a black bird pulling up the rear. I was thinking maybe they have groomsmen, and groomsmates. Odd, I don't think so, a dude and dude getting married, should be all dudes. Maybe I'm just as lost the titanic black box. Heck I don't know.
And what about the flowergirl? Do they have a flowergirl, or do they have a flowermate? I mean, this just baffles me, I guess because I'm a hermit, and being a redneck on the side of the privacy fence where it's dark, okay, hell, on the other side of the prison wall. I really don't think it's wrong, I don't believe it's right either, Who am I to judge, heck I didn't even finish college, so I'm never gonna be a judge. All I know, is the man upstairs, I hope I have a seat by Rodney King, Madonna, and Whitney Houston, because I may need something to sniff, something to listen to, and something to punch. Okay, maybe not Rodney either, I ain't a cop who am I fooling? Well, in the mean time, if you attend a ceremony of marriage between gay folks, let me know, and if you bend over, remember, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
But, beings I am dark on the side of weddings, I thought of some things just to enlighten me, and help maybe me understand. They always say there is no difference between them, treat everyone equal, so, in a gay wedding do they have bridesmaids? I mean, there is 2 dudes. If you have 2 doves in a tree, you don't have a black bird pulling up the rear. I was thinking maybe they have groomsmen, and groomsmates. Odd, I don't think so, a dude and dude getting married, should be all dudes. Maybe I'm just as lost the titanic black box. Heck I don't know.
And what about the flowergirl? Do they have a flowergirl, or do they have a flowermate? I mean, this just baffles me, I guess because I'm a hermit, and being a redneck on the side of the privacy fence where it's dark, okay, hell, on the other side of the prison wall. I really don't think it's wrong, I don't believe it's right either, Who am I to judge, heck I didn't even finish college, so I'm never gonna be a judge. All I know, is the man upstairs, I hope I have a seat by Rodney King, Madonna, and Whitney Houston, because I may need something to sniff, something to listen to, and something to punch. Okay, maybe not Rodney either, I ain't a cop who am I fooling? Well, in the mean time, if you attend a ceremony of marriage between gay folks, let me know, and if you bend over, remember, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
RC Airshow
Talk about fun, I haven't had that much fun since I spent a whole day in divorce court. It was better than watching a taco salad climb a pole. But to show up, and see all these people of took video games to the next level, to be outside, get sunburn, drink a snowcone, and watch some amazing toys fly around the sky was awesome. I did happen to have my eyes on a couple things.
One was the Amish family, all be damn Caleb, them there ain't solar powered spaceships, I guess they better not get a battery operated one, cause it takes POWER to charge it. Unless Eunice wants to ride that generator that we on the outside call a stationary bicycle. Choice is yours, horse or plane?
The other thing that was sweeter than Lady Gaga grabbing my head and laying a huge kiss on may lips was this helicopter, that sucker had 4 propellers, hints the name of quadcopter. Humm, didn't dawn on me. Magine that. But this deal would operate on GPS, could you imagine the money I could save by NOT having to drive around to check out which pool I'm going to swim at? I could toss this sucker off my back deck, and have it do the Scouting for MILF's for me. Just get me a camera from down at Walmart, strap that sucker onto the bottom on the chopper and I'm set. It will come home with some awesome scouting reports. I can make this into YouTube, and make ya famous.
All I know is the chopper itself was $800, and to have them put a UV camera on it, would jack it up to about $20,000. I don't want a UV, heck, I just wanna see what's at the pool before I waste the gas to drive down and check it out myself. Man, talk about getting a guy excited, just remember, if get one at the pool, chlorine won't kill some of that stuff, so don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
One was the Amish family, all be damn Caleb, them there ain't solar powered spaceships, I guess they better not get a battery operated one, cause it takes POWER to charge it. Unless Eunice wants to ride that generator that we on the outside call a stationary bicycle. Choice is yours, horse or plane?
The other thing that was sweeter than Lady Gaga grabbing my head and laying a huge kiss on may lips was this helicopter, that sucker had 4 propellers, hints the name of quadcopter. Humm, didn't dawn on me. Magine that. But this deal would operate on GPS, could you imagine the money I could save by NOT having to drive around to check out which pool I'm going to swim at? I could toss this sucker off my back deck, and have it do the Scouting for MILF's for me. Just get me a camera from down at Walmart, strap that sucker onto the bottom on the chopper and I'm set. It will come home with some awesome scouting reports. I can make this into YouTube, and make ya famous.
All I know is the chopper itself was $800, and to have them put a UV camera on it, would jack it up to about $20,000. I don't want a UV, heck, I just wanna see what's at the pool before I waste the gas to drive down and check it out myself. Man, talk about getting a guy excited, just remember, if get one at the pool, chlorine won't kill some of that stuff, so don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Wierd
You know what's wierd about being single now days? I mean, I look nothing like my age, so for some reason all these younger chicks wanna eat me up, which, ya, whatever. As I was sitting watching TV I thought, holy shitdiggity, I need to brush them chicks off, because, what if I went to meet her mom and she was a classmate from school? Damn, 16 and knocked up on MTV is not helping this good looking generation of men like me. Don't be shitting kids so early, we might make a mistake.
I could not imagine being a gramps before age 40, cause 40 for some reason isn't as old as it was when I was younger. But, how could you,,,,,,,,,oh man, could you imagine if you slept with her mom in high school and now,,,,,,,oh jesus, I just puked in my mouth a little bit, cutting this one shorter than a naked asian, don't be silly wrap ole willy...TIGHT
I could not imagine being a gramps before age 40, cause 40 for some reason isn't as old as it was when I was younger. But, how could you,,,,,,,,,oh man, could you imagine if you slept with her mom in high school and now,,,,,,,oh jesus, I just puked in my mouth a little bit, cutting this one shorter than a naked asian, don't be silly wrap ole willy...TIGHT
Thesaurus
One thing I never learned from all my school going days was what the hell we needed a thesaurus for? First of all, if you know the word you want to use, why would you look for another word that means the same thing? All that does is confuse me like scotch taping a cat's paws. If I don't really know what a word means, I usually just skip over it and try to figure it out in the sentence, but the power of the thesaurus words don't fit into anything in my world.
It's bad enough we have thru, through, and other simple words. But it's not like I really enjoyed reading, I'm to simple minded like that. If there is time to read, there is time to watch porn. But, if you want me to remember an article, just print it in a girl magazine. Not that I'm a perv, but I am just a guy. Hint's why Playboy has the best articles, cause they are the only one's we read. Surprise? Hell no.
So what I am saying, LADIES, if you want us to read something, or do something. Just put a naked picture next to the honey do list, and watch what happens. If your husband don't get surprised and pay attention, come bring me the list,,,,,with the pic. Don't cheat me!! And if he does pay attention and all the jobs and crap are done before the end of the day, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
It's bad enough we have thru, through, and other simple words. But it's not like I really enjoyed reading, I'm to simple minded like that. If there is time to read, there is time to watch porn. But, if you want me to remember an article, just print it in a girl magazine. Not that I'm a perv, but I am just a guy. Hint's why Playboy has the best articles, cause they are the only one's we read. Surprise? Hell no.
So what I am saying, LADIES, if you want us to read something, or do something. Just put a naked picture next to the honey do list, and watch what happens. If your husband don't get surprised and pay attention, come bring me the list,,,,,with the pic. Don't cheat me!! And if he does pay attention and all the jobs and crap are done before the end of the day, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Fish
Nothing is funnier than walking into a fish store to get fish and telling the worker you like your fish with tater sauce. The dumb founded look can also be found on the McDonalds drive thru when you order the braille menu. I know most people get fish because you don't have to get up and down to let them out, you don't have to make sure their bowls have food and water. I mean, just a few reasons fish are better than about anything, oh, I must say, fish can go a couple days without food too, my cat didn't make it. I really don't know what got the cat, if it was the forgot to feed him, or the fact he couldn't run from the BB's fast enough.
I'll have to check that one out when I go to Walmart and get the free cat of the day in the parking lot.
I kinda like my fish, I got some fresh water colorful things, at first they were always picking on each other, kinda like putting 3 dogs in a backyard, one is always going to be getting picked on. But I got me some cichlids, which are cool, but two of them, I swear are part dolphin. Every time I lift the lid to feed em, they put their noses out of the water and dance around. I tried to give them a small ball the other day to see if they could do tricks, but the swallowed it. Man, their mouths are as big as a snake. In fear of one nearing death from the ball swallowing like a hooker on a prosthetic penis, I decided to catch him. I netted the little dude, and tried to suck it back out with mouth to mouth, but that wasn't working, so I flipped him around, and right underneath his tail.........................................don't be silly wrap ole willy.
I'll have to check that one out when I go to Walmart and get the free cat of the day in the parking lot.
I kinda like my fish, I got some fresh water colorful things, at first they were always picking on each other, kinda like putting 3 dogs in a backyard, one is always going to be getting picked on. But I got me some cichlids, which are cool, but two of them, I swear are part dolphin. Every time I lift the lid to feed em, they put their noses out of the water and dance around. I tried to give them a small ball the other day to see if they could do tricks, but the swallowed it. Man, their mouths are as big as a snake. In fear of one nearing death from the ball swallowing like a hooker on a prosthetic penis, I decided to catch him. I netted the little dude, and tried to suck it back out with mouth to mouth, but that wasn't working, so I flipped him around, and right underneath his tail.........................................don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
NASCAR
In being a true Redneck and loving some Nascar racing, I have taken it upon myself that the smells of the track need to be brought to the house. Dripping 80/90 oil into my Scentsy warmer to get the smell of hot oil just wasn't enough to get me excited, so I decided to jam up the vacuum cleaner to get the aroma of burning rubber from the belt into the air. It worked.
But you know how hard it is to squeal a belt when you want to? I mean every other time I run the damn thing, it does it automatically, just from popcorn. So, this time, after using duct tape, a screwdriver, and my cell phone charger cord. I got it done, ummmm, the aroma of burning rubber from leaving the pits, or when Danica wrecks someone. This is better than being there at the race LIVE.
The main things I'm missing, is the halter top, braless, toothless chicks, cut off jean shorts, and the hairy back dudes that think they are all that and free beer. I mean to tell you, if you ever think you dress wrong, or look silly, go to a race, you will soon find that you are actually normal. Or what we Nascar junkies call normal. But what is the fun in being normal? It's not all it's cracked up to be. But one thing you just can't miss, is the trailer park toothless chick, who's boobs bounce off her knees when she walks, wearing costume jewelry, and face paint like Tammy Faye Baker. The kind you have to use a drywall hopper sprayer deal on to apply that goop.
The ole, materialistic trailer park girl, every ghetto guys dream, the one with the part time job, of hooker. She buys new skinny jeans, but cuts em off so her thighs can get in, you know exactly who I am talking about, nothing like that cheese bait. But, now that I just turned myself on like a heater in the Arctic, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
But you know how hard it is to squeal a belt when you want to? I mean every other time I run the damn thing, it does it automatically, just from popcorn. So, this time, after using duct tape, a screwdriver, and my cell phone charger cord. I got it done, ummmm, the aroma of burning rubber from leaving the pits, or when Danica wrecks someone. This is better than being there at the race LIVE.
The main things I'm missing, is the halter top, braless, toothless chicks, cut off jean shorts, and the hairy back dudes that think they are all that and free beer. I mean to tell you, if you ever think you dress wrong, or look silly, go to a race, you will soon find that you are actually normal. Or what we Nascar junkies call normal. But what is the fun in being normal? It's not all it's cracked up to be. But one thing you just can't miss, is the trailer park toothless chick, who's boobs bounce off her knees when she walks, wearing costume jewelry, and face paint like Tammy Faye Baker. The kind you have to use a drywall hopper sprayer deal on to apply that goop.
The ole, materialistic trailer park girl, every ghetto guys dream, the one with the part time job, of hooker. She buys new skinny jeans, but cuts em off so her thighs can get in, you know exactly who I am talking about, nothing like that cheese bait. But, now that I just turned myself on like a heater in the Arctic, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Monday, June 4, 2012
BFE
BFE is not short for Burlington Northern Express. Actually it is stating Bum FU(K Egypt. This last weekend, I took off like a prom dress and headed south to get out of the cold and help my tan out. It's hard to get food stamps as white as me. So off I rolled, with my soul, and get er down there. You know your in a strange land when you are trying to text what town your in, and spellcheck has no idea what you are trying to type.
Who in the heck thought of these words? They say the Indians, but I beg to differ. If it was the Indians in Oklahoma naming things, we would be have NoWater, Running Wood, Flying Grass, Dust Storm, and Chicken Hawk Oklahoma on a map. They come up with the strangest words for towns down there, just do a rapid type then enter Oklahoma and all be darn if something will pop up on the map. I can tell you, when it comes to counting syllables, Okies have the rest of the world beat. You can't pass up a Totankawa and tell me a kid in school there can't beat you in figuring out the syllables. What I really think is, back in the backwoods, along the Cimmeron River basin, some toothless people from Ponca City made some killer moonshine, and then decided to get some Indians drunk, and wrote down that they said. Hints where we get drunk, crazy Indians from.
And how do I know this? Cause I tasted some 186. That stuff burnt all the way down, and OUT. Just a sip, that's all it took, no wonder it don't snow down there. But then there was a Indian that got to meet Bud and Light, and it was a she, I think, I had to look close. But she thought she was all that and a free paint horse. It had to be a paint horse, based off her size. She would grab her jugs and toss them like she was making a salad, and I would dry heave. I haven't seen anything that gross since walking in on my parents doing the whoopy. Oh comeon, we have all caught, or thought we caught them at least once.
But to much of my surprise, I watched some dude try to sing, all I heard was a mumble for the first 30 seconds, then a couple words I thought I knew. Sounded like a really bad rendition of Name that Tune. I don't know if it was the beer he was holding, the teeth he was missing, or the cigarette he was trying to gum on. But, he finally figured out, his stage show wasn't working, so something had to go, well, it was the cig. He took it, and flicked it out right out onto the bar floor. The damnest thing I had ever seen. They smoke in bars down there, in my state, you have to go outside to smoke, to save the people at Karaoke some disgrace on their ears, Oklahoma should look into that law. I guess, fire prevention may want to look into flipping smokes out onto the floor also. But how can I judge, I didn't finish college cause I ran out of beer money.
All in all, I had a hell of a time, got to meet some followers on Facebook in person, hung with them what I could, taught them how we drink beer in Nebraska, and then they taught me that their bars don't close until 2 a.m. So then I taught them how much that extra hour will kick your ass when you drink like we do. I guess we all had a good laugh. I know I had a good time, this is my longest blog, and I have more to say, but I'll wrap it up, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Who in the heck thought of these words? They say the Indians, but I beg to differ. If it was the Indians in Oklahoma naming things, we would be have NoWater, Running Wood, Flying Grass, Dust Storm, and Chicken Hawk Oklahoma on a map. They come up with the strangest words for towns down there, just do a rapid type then enter Oklahoma and all be darn if something will pop up on the map. I can tell you, when it comes to counting syllables, Okies have the rest of the world beat. You can't pass up a Totankawa and tell me a kid in school there can't beat you in figuring out the syllables. What I really think is, back in the backwoods, along the Cimmeron River basin, some toothless people from Ponca City made some killer moonshine, and then decided to get some Indians drunk, and wrote down that they said. Hints where we get drunk, crazy Indians from.
And how do I know this? Cause I tasted some 186. That stuff burnt all the way down, and OUT. Just a sip, that's all it took, no wonder it don't snow down there. But then there was a Indian that got to meet Bud and Light, and it was a she, I think, I had to look close. But she thought she was all that and a free paint horse. It had to be a paint horse, based off her size. She would grab her jugs and toss them like she was making a salad, and I would dry heave. I haven't seen anything that gross since walking in on my parents doing the whoopy. Oh comeon, we have all caught, or thought we caught them at least once.
But to much of my surprise, I watched some dude try to sing, all I heard was a mumble for the first 30 seconds, then a couple words I thought I knew. Sounded like a really bad rendition of Name that Tune. I don't know if it was the beer he was holding, the teeth he was missing, or the cigarette he was trying to gum on. But, he finally figured out, his stage show wasn't working, so something had to go, well, it was the cig. He took it, and flicked it out right out onto the bar floor. The damnest thing I had ever seen. They smoke in bars down there, in my state, you have to go outside to smoke, to save the people at Karaoke some disgrace on their ears, Oklahoma should look into that law. I guess, fire prevention may want to look into flipping smokes out onto the floor also. But how can I judge, I didn't finish college cause I ran out of beer money.
All in all, I had a hell of a time, got to meet some followers on Facebook in person, hung with them what I could, taught them how we drink beer in Nebraska, and then they taught me that their bars don't close until 2 a.m. So then I taught them how much that extra hour will kick your ass when you drink like we do. I guess we all had a good laugh. I know I had a good time, this is my longest blog, and I have more to say, but I'll wrap it up, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
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