Diary of a wimpy kid

So, the boys and I just watched diary of a wimpy kid. That movie needs to get a new name, that's not a good name.  When I was I in school, everyone told on me for passing notes,  like when I passed a note to a girl that said close your legs, the flyswatter are coming in real bad. Or the note that said your feet smell like ass. Never did it occur to me that detention could be made fun. When I had to stay after school, many of my followers would try to go with me, now that's friends.

I was probably the only kid that didn't mind the principles office, heck the secretary was hot. I always walked out with a new pen too.

It wasn't until this movie I found out it wasn't an honor to have your desk next to the teachers. My God, mine was there from first grade on. I thought I was the teachers assistant I didn't know I was the center of attention for the teacher. But we had fun. The times of filling a locker with shaving cream, to kicking 2 lockers open and switching all the stuff around, what a shocking surprise to those kids. The day of running through the girls locker room, to running out to gym in my undies and then saying, damn, forgot to put on my gym shorts.

If I knew girls were so horny in college, I would of tried harder in high school.

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Smart Phones & Rednecks

How 2 words in the technology dictionary  don't mix. A smart phone and redneck. What's this sync stuff? You can have social network sites, and be a redneck, back up pictures, send messages, but when it all goes together and then all your text message pictures get backed up online and people laugh, you just say how the heck?

There's a reason man invented the smart phone, it was to see what non smart girls were doing. But just some email, or a text on how to block that sync deally bob would be great.

But, now in this world where nothing is private, except the neighbor that live in the closet, buy on, there is someone out there watching you and everything you do. Give them a laugh, check in at the local strip joint, then check in at the free clinic the next day, leave em wondering, but get the last laugh!!!!

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the friendly old j.w.

So, sitting at home, with nothing to do, the bell rings and so I lean back in the chair,swing open the door and yell come in. And they did.
To my sweet surprise it was the friendly door to door knockers,,,,aka Johovah Witnesses. What a nice couple, I offered them a beer, and told dude his wife is hotter than a McDonald's French fry right out of the fryer. He wasn't impressed.
So we just watched some football, and I told them, hey my woman will be real excited to know we have another couple stop by, we are swingers. Told them to sit tight, I will go tell her to come out, she's in the shower. So, I got up, went to the bathroom, and heard some scuffling, and the door closed. Obviously, I must have scared them.
When I came back out, they were gone. So, chalk it up as a win for me. They left, I got to enjoy my football game, and nobody else was even home. But I wonder what was going through their mind. Damn J.W.s, that's 3 times I've ran you off. All new crews though, keep them coming, this is fun!!!!!

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Class Speech

If for some ungodly reason, I was voted to give the big class graduation speech, it would have went something like this.
Fellow Partymates,
Just remember that what you do today, many will not remember tomorrow, so what the hell is the use of homework, and putting in so much time into a class project when you know your only 18 once? Take a day off, enjoy yourself, mom and dad are still forking out the bills, and who gives a crap? Really, you have all the rest of your life to work, who needs college? The only job you HAVE to have a college degree for is the President, and look what kind of people have had that job!! I am way better to tie my time into something else.
Everyone needs to go out and make your family proud, we are loosing interest in the XXX video stores, and naughty stores. The kinky side of America is being closed off, therefore, making the people with these stores filthy rich, so get out, open one up, sell the heck out of everything and bring out some competition. Competition is great, it makes the cost go down so I can personally purchase cheaper.
Never date a girl with more hair on her legs than you. And remember that when you join the service to show your appreciation of free enterprise, and TRAVEL. The best way to go and enjoy another country is on the governments dime. Not only do they pay you to go and have a blast, but they even give you all kinds of crazy holidays off with pay. Then get out, take another government job, collect even more money and retire to open 3 more XXX stores and triple your money.
Obviously wearing sunscreen does nothing for you like that dumb song says, so just party naked, your clothes will come off at the end of the night anywho. So remember, you only have the figure you are going to have while you are 18 once in your life, later in life, kids and fat rolls are going to slow you down. And your will always do more in life than the condom in Susan O'Boyles bedside table.
So take it from me, live, laugh and have sex, or love, in any order. And when you hit your class reunion, remember, you heard it from Redneck Gabe FIRST!!!!

Hike Bike Trail

Every town needs to have a hike and bike trail along with a Walmart. They go hand and hand. I live along the trail, and to my eyes, many Walmart shoppers walk the trail.
From Halloween costumes all year long, and beings a Walmart shopper myself. I must say, when you take 2lb fishing line tied across the trail about face high, I'm amazes at how many ninjas use the trail. Its like hitting face first into a spider web, hiiiiiii yaaaaa, automatic ninja.
Another favorite of mine is the bb to the ass on a bike trick. One who thinks they are lance Armstrong learns quickly that those rear tires throw rocks. Just a couple pumps, and a ting to the butt cheek seems to slow a novice rider down like a cop on an open street. They jump, almost off the bike, and always turn around. Come on, something small taps your ass and your going Mach 2 on your tour de cup bike from Walmart, and you think you can see it?
Some people are always worried about how they look before going out in public, those same people wear their "don't want to be seen in public with" clothes on the trail. From clownsuits.com to holy crap, I'm colorblind and know that don't go together outfits are totally amazing.
So, until you decide to heat the path, and wear something interesting. I will be the one sitting naked by the window with my bb gun and fishing line. If you don't like me naked, don't look!!!!!

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Golf

Golf is a sport I just don't understand. You have 2 men running around, counting strokes, to get their balls in a hole. And he with the less strokes wins? No woman likes a minute man.
And why is it they be quiet? If you can't play with noise then practice, I like noise when trying to get balls in a hole.
I would of never came up with such a game. And yelling Four when you almost hit someone? In the army we yelled incoming. Four? Really. ?
On days I drive past a course, I honk, and yell four, just to get a reaction on Americas quietest sporting field. Take a book, its an outdoor library.
But to run in and take a cart and do donuts, yell four everywhere and make an obstical course out of the trees is the way I roll.

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tattoos

Tats are a sign of coolness. Most old day tats were naked ladies and military symbols, but new artistic signs are definitely for viewers pleasure.
Like a chick with squirrel tat on her inner thigh, squirrels are always looking for nuts. Or a you are here tat on her lower back, no I came here and now I'm gone. That's like a guy having join the crowd on his member.
I love the tramp stamps, it gives me a better reason to view chicks butts, and is a great cover up when really your thinking damn that's nice. But never take a girl with a naked girl on her forearm or an anchor on her upper arm, you might just find the chain to the anchor.
Some have roses, some animals, some even have photos, all in all, not many are bad. But its the ones you have to lift skin to see that just aren't worth the ink. If I were a tat dude, all would be damn good priced, cool, and only getting one if the pants are off half way, just saying.....
But to keep my tat simple I have Wendy on my penis,,,,,when I'm excited it says "welcome to Jamaica have a nice day". So I'm proud, if I invite you to Jamaica you know what's in store.

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Last one Standing

Lucky is when you don't leave the bar with the last chick standing. Nothing is worse than taking home a girl that needs a king size bed and no room for you. There is a reason she is the last one standing, and beings she was the only girl buying her own drinks all night does not mean she is classy. The usual signs of the last one standing are very much out there, but you have to drink and pay attention, which are two words that don't mix well with each other.
The last one standing is always dressed with a tight ass shirt trying to just feel good about her over filling middle. Like a big ole jelly donut with 1 swipe on frosting. You wouldn't by that crappy iced donut. Or atleast I wouldn't, I like a donut that makes me know I am going to be fat.
She pays for her drinks, nobody else in the bar is tall and skinny, which is what everyone of those girls end up with. How that is? I have no idea, its like a fly on a curtain, you really have to look to see the fly. But the curtain can smash that fly. Maybe that is the shape it takes to enter the space. There certainly isn't much room in the middle, and we all know she isn't no gymanist.
She pretends she has alot of friends, but when you ask them, they don't associate a friendship level with her. She is running around, giving hugs, acting like old class mates, or the leader of TOPS club. Try hard to fit in, but even sideways, the fit just isn't going to work out for ya.
For some reason, it is always the ugliest girl that thinks she is the hottest. The old line of there isn't a guy here good enough. Shit, there isn't a guy at the bar drunk and dumb enough to ask for a death by smashing. For some reason, died from being smothered, never reads good from a newspaper.
So the moral of the story is, you wouldn't drive a camper to work everyday, so why the hell would you take the big last girl at the bar home? Some cars sit on the lot and never get a testdrive, and some are driven hard, but its' the one with low milage and economical that make night better. Man invented the pillowcase to hide that crap you bring home drunk, but there is no invention to take the scare out of your face when you wake up with such a mess. But the overstuffed ass wrangles are out there, be careful, and remember, friends don't let friends get smothered by fat hairy chicks.

Did you KNOW

Did you know that man invented clear cool-aid so you can add in to the shower head and make them sticky without the water turning red or purple?
Did you know that if a guy passes out and you shave one of his legs, chances are he will shave the other on his own?
Did you know that if you lead a donkey to water and then kick him in the balls he will inhale 5 gallons of water?
Did you know only the special girls can spell their name in the snow without getting their feet wet?
Did you know if you call a woman the wrong name during the intimate moment, you get a black eye?
Did you know if you put mascara on your beard to hide your gray hair your shirt gets a black stripe and others laugh?
Did you know if you wear black pants to work and irk your gerkin before chances are those you work with will notice what happen?
Did you know that most people just pretend to not speak english but if you yell at them and cuss they understand it all?
Did you know that if you walk around with your fly down only the meat gazers will tell you it is down?
Did you know that kids just love to push your buttons cause they can?
If you ever wondered about some of these, just stop and think, most of us can understand where it is that I came up with these, and others will be WHAT is wrong with this dude? But all in all, if you don't know the reaction of something, try it. Like shaving one eyebrow off a person, I bet they shave the other one, and then the funny look is only half your problem, you didn't cause it.
The greatest things in life come from having a crash test dummy around to try new stunts out on. So get your dummy and make them proud.

neighborhood watch

If you have some close neighbors you know the routine. They will tell ya someone was sniffing around in your territory. But every block has that one neighbor who is nosey Nelly.
If you leave your garage door open at night and nobody calls ya, either one of 2 things have happen. Either someone shut off the neighborhood watch for the night, or you are that nosey Nelly and nobody wants to bring attention to themselves.
But at my crib, my neighbors were old, nosey, and didn't get in the middle. For 2 years my ex decided to sleep with everyone but me, run around in bra and panties when I was gone with the shades open. But never did that neighborhood watch switch go to neighborhood help. Until the day I was moving out, then they all came out spilling the beans, and educating me.
So if you go to bed and nobody calls about the garage door, think about what's going on. But don't forget to ask if anything weird is happening at the crib when your gone.
And that is why I am a window peeker, I'm not a pervert, I'm just trying to help out.

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3rd world countries

One lovely thing I happen to remember about my time in the FIRST Gulf War, was the drop and run holes in the floor. We call them toilets, but over there, it was a far cry from a chair or anything comfortable.
It was alot like a corn field or grass pasture but without something tickling your butt. You had on 12 inch high boots, loose cut pants, and most would take off the uniform shirt. How them towelheads performed such a maneuver in a white rob is way beyond me. Mine would be pinstripes on the back.
No back support, and a little porcelain spittoon to try dropping a butt middle into. Most of us did the drop and run, or more like a drop and shuffle. In fear a log would roll back at ya out of the 3inch hole, you got out of the way.
But one better was, the sewer system didn't have the technology to handle toilet paper, oh well for me, thank God for Ziploc bags. I was always packing my own tp.
But that was an experience, and oh next time you use a stall, they were non existing over there, so you really had yo pay attention beings the holes were only a foot away. But that was where my screw And screwdriver came into play, my toilet door always locked.
So next time you go and sit down, check you phone read a magazine, stop and think about our troops, giggle occupy want, almost all of us tipped over at one point.
But most important, don't shake the left hand of a towelhead.

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pictures

So to the vast majority of single females, the reason for owning a webcam is a part time job. They take all these silly pictures, Patty them on Facebook, and think us guys won't find out they have a part time gig.
Well, the purple head gives it away. It sticks out worse than a viagra pill in an seldom bottle. But some of those girls are way to good looking to be just sitting at home alone.
So therefore, they need a social life, that's when a buddy with a hot tub inside his house comes in handy.
Invite her over to his place, watch some football while she's doing what all women would do and sit in the tub. Little does she know when she gets out, the house is going to feel like a fireplace, and off goes the clothes.
Now to make her really feel at home, pull out the video camera, then say, gosh you don't even have to run this webcam. If she gets mad and stomps out, make sure your a true friend and toss her a box of batteries out the door. So purple heads on Facebook aren't all bad you just have to know how to approach them.

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finally

After all these years, I figured it out. Woman always bitch guys are to fast. I have the perfect concoction. 2muscle relaxers, 2 Vicodin, and a purple pill. She will be begging for mercy like a death row inmate sitting in the chair during a power outage.
Nothing like becoming the energizer bunny in one night, but man when you are done, you best be close to your bed, it isn't no 5hour energy drink. Your going to crash harder than a crash test dummy in an airplane accident.
But on the lighter side, she will be so shocked that she will be late for work the next day. Lol jokes on her. And all of a sudden, you are the star.
So give it a try, I have no idea why they can't just make one pill for Superman, they have everything else out there. But nothing to help a guy become Superman in the sheets.
So, party like a rockstar, and don't tell me thanks for helping, I don't want the image of you in my head.

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dirty talk

So, why is it once you have a girl she don't like to talk dirty anymore? From the night you brought her home from three bar she cursed like a sailor, so much it Meade a truck driver blush. But now she won't even say head thinking you are going to get excited.
So, to make it exciting, I get her fired up so she will curse at me. For some reason I do not have a problem pissing her off. I'm man, she's woman.
But in the heat off the moment, I love to slip some dirty talk in talk in her ear. Pull some hair, bark, anything for the shock and ah factor.
But one thing I have learned, don't bring a girl home that you don't know her name. My buddy did that, he came in work the next day with a fat lip, and black eye. He called her the wrong name in the middle of his night to remember.
But some dirty talk, or flashing in a public place, like church, isn't all bad, you have to keep them on their toes. Never let a woman think she has you figured out, the shock and ah factor, the dirty talk will keep her one leg higher than the other. :-)
And dirty talk isn't;
Dirty girl dirty girl
Eyes like a hog
Roll on over
So I can hump you like a dog.
That also is black eye, bloody nose talk.

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Rules of engagement

Before one has a night bringing home a woman, I have some tips.
First, always perform the crotch check. One does not want to take something home that is longer than him.
Never stay with a girl who is smaller in the waist than you. Reason being, she would think she wears the pants. You have to remind them, try these pants on, they can only get them to their waist, then tell them, I wear the pants here.
Don't stick with a girl who says this drink taste funny when you slip spanish fly in it. She will catch on so fast your hand won't even have a chance of break in period.
Make sure she can clean. Make damn sure she can cook. Walk in on her in the shower to see if she had to shave her nipples, or mustache. That gives you a chance to run if she does.
Check her job status, see if she makes more than she spends, or of she needs a sugar daddy. If she makes lots more, keep her and get joint account.
Plug in a porn during movie night to see her reaction, if she says gross, sex may be an issue, if she likes it, rip off the clothes.
But before you decide your hand needs a replacement, get some as often as you can. That is the only toy that you can't wear out, no matter how hard you try. Insure she knows you don't share, but do donate old toys to the needy.
So with that word of advise, get out, stop playing xbox cause your a geek, put away the computer and paying to see something you will never feel, and get ya some.

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