I swear to the Greek God of Anthony that I must have the worse luck of all frogs in a Mexicans lunch box. One time, (at band camp), when I was in the Army, I decided that I was gonna drink and ride. I wasn't driving so don't even go there. And off we went in that BMW in Germany down an old paved road and just a giggling, and carrying on.
Around a turn we went, and there to our dismay, the back end came around like a 300 lb lady making a hard right hand turn. Kinda leaving the popping out of her shirt like a half can of bisquits after you bop them on the counter top. She moves and the rest will follow,,,,,one day. Anywho, that back end came around and down we went down the ditch, and rolled a couple times. If I hadn't been drinking, I do believe I may have got hurt. But my first words were, how's the beer? We just bought a rack, of 16 beers in glass bottles, and they road it out in the trunk. I quickly went to perform CPR on the bottles, and we didn't loose a one, now that's good driving. Danica Patrick couldn't even do that in 2 laps at Daytona. But, then we decided to go up the ditch and see if someone would help us.
And they stopped, the language barrier kept us from telling him all is okay, we need a ride, but heck, we made a friend, and drank some beer until the cops came and man I was pissed. Those fools made us dump out our beer, after it rolled twice and lived, I can't believe they were so hard, what the hell? That is exactly how Obama got elected, IDIOTS. So long died the beer, and we got a ride, home,,,,not to the bar,,,,and nothing else happen out of it. But, the loss of that rack of beer still to this day gets to me, and makes me tear up. So, if you need a snuggle too, remember, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Friday, March 23, 2012
My eye,,,,balls.
I'm just sitting here as bored as a 4 year old sitting thru a sermon. Of course I am off work today, and can finally see good enough to see the computer. Well, I had a case of pinkeye in my eye, duh hints pink eye, that turned into virus infection on the ball, and had to have my eye scraped yesterday. It was kinda cool, I got me a ride to the VA and up I went, sat in the chair, just getting done eating garlic, cause it was the eye dr and that's how I roll. Burping onions, and eating garlic makes a lasting impression on the eye dr. But anywho,
I just sat there and got my balls numbed, with some drops, and being me, I said my cheek was getting numb too just to freak him out. But, obviously he knows me and just laughed. One day I am really going to have a problem, and the Dr. will laugh, not funny. But then he so gently took some tweezers and scraped all this eye snot, or boogers, down and picked them off both balls. It was kinda like formunda cheese looking stuff. Formunda cheese is the cheese you find from unda these nuts, but anywho, it was kinda gross.
So in the mean time from scratching my balls, in my eyes, I got some drops that have steriods, so I have been working out my balls with them. Maybe if I make these roids worth it, I can have BIG HAZEL eyes, instead of these chinese, blind me with dental floss eyes I'm stuck with. So, off I go, time to work out my balls, and in the mean time, if you are working your balls, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
I just sat there and got my balls numbed, with some drops, and being me, I said my cheek was getting numb too just to freak him out. But, obviously he knows me and just laughed. One day I am really going to have a problem, and the Dr. will laugh, not funny. But then he so gently took some tweezers and scraped all this eye snot, or boogers, down and picked them off both balls. It was kinda like formunda cheese looking stuff. Formunda cheese is the cheese you find from unda these nuts, but anywho, it was kinda gross.
So in the mean time from scratching my balls, in my eyes, I got some drops that have steriods, so I have been working out my balls with them. Maybe if I make these roids worth it, I can have BIG HAZEL eyes, instead of these chinese, blind me with dental floss eyes I'm stuck with. So, off I go, time to work out my balls, and in the mean time, if you are working your balls, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Plumbers Crack
I remember when I was a kid, a couple years ago, our parents always to pull up our pants. Nobody wants to smell your butt crack, wear a belt, need suspenders, and usually with me, it was mom telling me to zip up my zipper too. But, one thing has surely changed now a days.
We went from not being able to get our pants up far enough, to see who can have their pants on lowest. I sure don't a mind it at all, I mean, I get to excited about Victoria Secrets, little do I need see to get to that level. Man, I tell ya, I seen a crack with a tramp stamp on today bigger than Rosie O'Donnel back end with pillows on her sides. I was at complete slobberness, and just totally amazed at how smooth her butt looked, made me just wanna walk up there and pinch it like a little baby's cheeck. But, some how I managed to hold myself back, that was like holding a pitbull back when Michael Vick walks by. But some of them muffin tops, the ones that look like the bread has been on rise for 3 days, I can't imagine who the hell is telling them they look good in them low rise jeans, but I would love to find him. And when your looking for him, also find the dude that put the camera on one side of the phone and the screen on the other, and gave me skype app. That's a bunch of crap when you figure that out right out of the shower when talking to your brother. But, in the mean time, the nice butts keep on trucking them pants lower, I ain't a complaining, nothing beats a good clean crack. But the other ones who like to show butt hair and cling-ons when ya bend over, please check back into the 70's.
If you happen to find some nice buns in so low riders, shoot me a pic, heck it don't hurt to share them things anymore. But until later, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
We went from not being able to get our pants up far enough, to see who can have their pants on lowest. I sure don't a mind it at all, I mean, I get to excited about Victoria Secrets, little do I need see to get to that level. Man, I tell ya, I seen a crack with a tramp stamp on today bigger than Rosie O'Donnel back end with pillows on her sides. I was at complete slobberness, and just totally amazed at how smooth her butt looked, made me just wanna walk up there and pinch it like a little baby's cheeck. But, some how I managed to hold myself back, that was like holding a pitbull back when Michael Vick walks by. But some of them muffin tops, the ones that look like the bread has been on rise for 3 days, I can't imagine who the hell is telling them they look good in them low rise jeans, but I would love to find him. And when your looking for him, also find the dude that put the camera on one side of the phone and the screen on the other, and gave me skype app. That's a bunch of crap when you figure that out right out of the shower when talking to your brother. But, in the mean time, the nice butts keep on trucking them pants lower, I ain't a complaining, nothing beats a good clean crack. But the other ones who like to show butt hair and cling-ons when ya bend over, please check back into the 70's.
If you happen to find some nice buns in so low riders, shoot me a pic, heck it don't hurt to share them things anymore. But until later, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Payton Manning
Really Denver? Way to much Coors Light in the water? To bring in a 12 year old veteran to take over for a 24 year old that has NEVER had a neck injury? Now what would oh John Elway be drinking to make a decision like that. The only thing Denver has ever had going for them in my years was Tebow. Finally Denver has a player everyone across the world that everyone old and young all adore and look up to.
So to sit around and say OH, I want the old guy that talks funny, from Tennessee, over a God Child from Florida. The curse will end up upon you, giving up Tebow for a trade and taking Payton, I have no idea what to even think on that decision. But, what I would suggest, if your going to trade Tebow off, you better pick up another quaterback, cause after about 3 games, the old man won't be around anylonger.
Football is a contact sport, especially for a quaterback when you have a line like they do. But, now that obviously you know I only like Denver for Tebow, if things involve contact in your everyday life, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
So to sit around and say OH, I want the old guy that talks funny, from Tennessee, over a God Child from Florida. The curse will end up upon you, giving up Tebow for a trade and taking Payton, I have no idea what to even think on that decision. But, what I would suggest, if your going to trade Tebow off, you better pick up another quaterback, cause after about 3 games, the old man won't be around anylonger.
Football is a contact sport, especially for a quaterback when you have a line like they do. But, now that obviously you know I only like Denver for Tebow, if things involve contact in your everyday life, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Sometimes
Sometimes in my world, where everyone knows me, I think of the damnest things. So, I moved into my dodgeball court apartment. It is HUGE, either one of 2 things needs to happen, I buy more shit, or heck I buy more shit. I got about everything I need, but wooden spoons, but I break them on her butt anyways. I have a couch, which is called the loveseat, because its fun to do the whoopy on, and I have a loveseat, which is equiped with stir ups. Okay, now that you are on the edge of your seat.
I do the damnest things. Like mail something, with no stamp, give myself a papercut licking a pre sealed envelope. But, that's how I roll and I like it. I am wishing I had some more Mexican friends, cause I really need some more shit up in here and cheap too. Nothing beats getting a new tv for case of beer. But I have to say they are wising up. Now the big deal is selling paper products. Who freaking new people can STEAL big ass things of ass wipe and make mean cash. I can see infamil and stuff, because that stuff costs you more than delivery of the child. Which leads me to another off subject.
You pay to make them, you pay to have them, you pay to raise them, and then you keep paying child support. Now comeon, the older the kid gets the less we should pay, he isn't in diapers or formula anymore. Crap, lets make it where we stop paying our ex's when the kid gets his first job. Teach them responsibility, make him fork the bill to his mom for stuff. Or better yet, I guess that would be the first time he ever got money that was actually for him. And that counts for the Harley I didn't get to ride, the car I didn't get to drive, the house I don't live in, all in which my child support, supports.
Okay, now, sometimes, my damn ADD just beats my ass everytime. So don't let him take you on a one track mind, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
I do the damnest things. Like mail something, with no stamp, give myself a papercut licking a pre sealed envelope. But, that's how I roll and I like it. I am wishing I had some more Mexican friends, cause I really need some more shit up in here and cheap too. Nothing beats getting a new tv for case of beer. But I have to say they are wising up. Now the big deal is selling paper products. Who freaking new people can STEAL big ass things of ass wipe and make mean cash. I can see infamil and stuff, because that stuff costs you more than delivery of the child. Which leads me to another off subject.
You pay to make them, you pay to have them, you pay to raise them, and then you keep paying child support. Now comeon, the older the kid gets the less we should pay, he isn't in diapers or formula anymore. Crap, lets make it where we stop paying our ex's when the kid gets his first job. Teach them responsibility, make him fork the bill to his mom for stuff. Or better yet, I guess that would be the first time he ever got money that was actually for him. And that counts for the Harley I didn't get to ride, the car I didn't get to drive, the house I don't live in, all in which my child support, supports.
Okay, now, sometimes, my damn ADD just beats my ass everytime. So don't let him take you on a one track mind, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Does it hurt?
I tell ya what. Sometimes in life we do things that just lead banging our heads against a brick wall. Kinda like, everytime I pick someone, they are either married or engaged, what the hell, where did I pick up this ring deal? It wasn't until a few days ago I learned that the girls with rings are not up for hire. Well, gosh, whoever made that rule was dumb.
In my world, a guy is much more aware if you are single or not by having something on your finger to catch our eye. Nothing like looking at a chick, and then that bling bling catches ya right out the corner of your eye, so then ya talk. Well, that was my concept, I was wondering how the hell we got all these ring bearing single females in this one goat 3 chicken town. But, man oh man. Then they break the news they wanna just work it out.
Talk about hurt, hurts worse than shutting your hand in a car door. Frustrates me more than a nun in a Johava Witness wild wild Kingdom Hall. I tell ya, ya buy me books and buy my books and all I do is eat the pages.
But still, whoever made that rule was dumb. But now, what the hell am I going to do if she a tiny right that I didn't see because I am male and blind? I guess that gives me more crap to write later. So, whatever, if you finally make it out of the bathroom without a grin and just greased hands, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
In my world, a guy is much more aware if you are single or not by having something on your finger to catch our eye. Nothing like looking at a chick, and then that bling bling catches ya right out the corner of your eye, so then ya talk. Well, that was my concept, I was wondering how the hell we got all these ring bearing single females in this one goat 3 chicken town. But, man oh man. Then they break the news they wanna just work it out.
Talk about hurt, hurts worse than shutting your hand in a car door. Frustrates me more than a nun in a Johava Witness wild wild Kingdom Hall. I tell ya, ya buy me books and buy my books and all I do is eat the pages.
But still, whoever made that rule was dumb. But now, what the hell am I going to do if she a tiny right that I didn't see because I am male and blind? I guess that gives me more crap to write later. So, whatever, if you finally make it out of the bathroom without a grin and just greased hands, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Playground
Well, outside my place happens to be where the kids toys are. Not because I have all the kids, but I have all the white kids. So, today, I was looking out the back window, and obviously it is nice enough to wear pants that have so many holes they contain less fabric than shorts, with the ole sweatshirt tied around their neck. Some chick, and her chick friend, I would guess about 12 or 13, I'm not into checking kids out, so I may be off on the age. But I wonder if her mom is hot?
So, anywho, I was just sitting there thinking to myself, more than likely out loud also, cause I'm the only one here and my plants stopped answering me when I stopped watering them. I need to take a trip over to Walmart and get me a BB Gun, or paintball. I think a BB would make alot cleaner mess, so a BB gun is what I need. That way when they start their screaming outside, I can just "pop" that BB off and quiet them kids down. I mean, what would that hurt? I would be able to do it without even leaving the appartment. Plus, a BB really don't hurt with just 1 pump, but ask my brother how it feels after 10.
So, back on these swingers, well not yet, they are young. That one girl sat down on that swing like it was a G-Swing, Jesus tits, it made me whistle how tight she had that up there. That is when I knew someone was going to get hurt, and seeing a girl get hung by her hips was not what I wanted to see, so I shut up the window. Well, shortly after that, her mom came down, and she is HOT. So, I gotta go, don't be silly, wrap your willy.
So, anywho, I was just sitting there thinking to myself, more than likely out loud also, cause I'm the only one here and my plants stopped answering me when I stopped watering them. I need to take a trip over to Walmart and get me a BB Gun, or paintball. I think a BB would make alot cleaner mess, so a BB gun is what I need. That way when they start their screaming outside, I can just "pop" that BB off and quiet them kids down. I mean, what would that hurt? I would be able to do it without even leaving the appartment. Plus, a BB really don't hurt with just 1 pump, but ask my brother how it feels after 10.
So, back on these swingers, well not yet, they are young. That one girl sat down on that swing like it was a G-Swing, Jesus tits, it made me whistle how tight she had that up there. That is when I knew someone was going to get hurt, and seeing a girl get hung by her hips was not what I wanted to see, so I shut up the window. Well, shortly after that, her mom came down, and she is HOT. So, I gotta go, don't be silly, wrap your willy.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Analagies
Well, some that know me, okay, everyone, they all know that I have some pretty good one liners and analogy's. Like some of my favorites;
Your as screwed up as a football bat.
Really? That is about as gross as watching a dog chew off a dingleberry off his ass.
I was born at night, but not last night, nor the one before.
I have forgotten more about life then you will ever have one.
You riding a chicken or wearing shorts?
I would snort coke but I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror.
When I get to hell I hope my chair is next to Madonna and Whitney Houston so I have something to look at on one side, and one to get me high enough I don't feel the heat.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world, those that smoke weed, and those that lie about it.
You could fuck up a wet dream.
I'm gonna snatch you bald headed. But remember, you can't beat up a red headed step child.
Anywho,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,that is my word.
It looks like 2 Rhino's fighting for air in her pants.
So, if you like to just go with the flow of what comes off your tongue, then the moment hits, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Your as screwed up as a football bat.
Really? That is about as gross as watching a dog chew off a dingleberry off his ass.
I was born at night, but not last night, nor the one before.
I have forgotten more about life then you will ever have one.
You riding a chicken or wearing shorts?
I would snort coke but I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror.
When I get to hell I hope my chair is next to Madonna and Whitney Houston so I have something to look at on one side, and one to get me high enough I don't feel the heat.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world, those that smoke weed, and those that lie about it.
You could fuck up a wet dream.
I'm gonna snatch you bald headed. But remember, you can't beat up a red headed step child.
Anywho,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,that is my word.
It looks like 2 Rhino's fighting for air in her pants.
So, if you like to just go with the flow of what comes off your tongue, then the moment hits, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Pinkeye?
I woke up with a piece of sand in my damn eyeball, or maybe it was a seed, well anyways, there was something in my damn eye. So, off to the mirror I went, and yep, I am still so sexy the mirror whistles at me. I didn't find a damn in my eye, so, doing what normal men do, I RUBBED it,,,,my eye damn it. Not the thing to do, for some reason, it made it itch worse, and turn all red, and some poop was coming out of it. The poop,,,
WTF, who decided that poop in the eye is the cause of pinkeye? That is stupid, that's as dumb as an old man with one leg trying to play soccer. I have not, will not, do not, have shit in my eye. There is no way, I ain't a dog, so I cant take my tongue down there to play. God, could you imagine if we could? Holy crap, I would have to work from home. For all my life I knew God was teasing us when me made it so we only get within 3 inches of it. Okay, dang it, now I'm as excited as a armless guy getting his new prostetic.
Well, the good thing is Dr. said there was no shit in my eye, but then he added, no shit in either eye, but you got yourself some pink eye. Then he sated that clymedia is also a cause, hummmmm, how would doc know I'm a male whore? Just like Facebook knows I watch porn, just like a cooler, keeping hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold, how does it know?
Well, so now I got some drops for the swollen up eye, I look like I got hit in the eye by a hooker I forgot to pay. Obviously,,,,no tip either. But, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
WTF, who decided that poop in the eye is the cause of pinkeye? That is stupid, that's as dumb as an old man with one leg trying to play soccer. I have not, will not, do not, have shit in my eye. There is no way, I ain't a dog, so I cant take my tongue down there to play. God, could you imagine if we could? Holy crap, I would have to work from home. For all my life I knew God was teasing us when me made it so we only get within 3 inches of it. Okay, dang it, now I'm as excited as a armless guy getting his new prostetic.
Well, the good thing is Dr. said there was no shit in my eye, but then he added, no shit in either eye, but you got yourself some pink eye. Then he sated that clymedia is also a cause, hummmmm, how would doc know I'm a male whore? Just like Facebook knows I watch porn, just like a cooler, keeping hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold, how does it know?
Well, so now I got some drops for the swollen up eye, I look like I got hit in the eye by a hooker I forgot to pay. Obviously,,,,no tip either. But, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
I'm amazed
Nothing is more amazing than a Sunday afternoon at a chinese buffet. I went into mine this last Sunday and to much of my amazment, it was full of Mexicans. So what is it, they like food outside of a shell? That seems funny.
We, as poo-white people, like Chinese, and we like Mexican. Now I will bet ya 20 peso's that Mexicans don't go out for American. Oh heck no, they won't bring that up, they will call it cheeseburger, fries, anything but American. And why is that? I don't understand?
I believe that the greatest food of all time, is that food which is quick to prepare, and takes care of the munchies. Arguably the best food there is out there. It may be Little Debbie Star Crunch, or it could be a hot fudge sundae. But whatever it is, it was quick, and that is the best tasting food money can buy. Just get something to wash it down.
I have now made myself so hungry I could tear up an elephants truck like a turkey leg. Heck, I have got to go eat now. So don't be silly wrap ole will when your burning off the calories.
We, as poo-white people, like Chinese, and we like Mexican. Now I will bet ya 20 peso's that Mexicans don't go out for American. Oh heck no, they won't bring that up, they will call it cheeseburger, fries, anything but American. And why is that? I don't understand?
I believe that the greatest food of all time, is that food which is quick to prepare, and takes care of the munchies. Arguably the best food there is out there. It may be Little Debbie Star Crunch, or it could be a hot fudge sundae. But whatever it is, it was quick, and that is the best tasting food money can buy. Just get something to wash it down.
I have now made myself so hungry I could tear up an elephants truck like a turkey leg. Heck, I have got to go eat now. So don't be silly wrap ole will when your burning off the calories.
Top 10 Redneck Pick up lines
#10. Nice grill baby, is it original?
#9. Your as hot as my cousin, wanna go to my house?
#8. You may not be good enough for your family, but I will lube your chasis.
#7. My cousin is out of town, can you fill the void for me tonight?
#6. My other personality wants to take you home and count all your teeth.
#5. Will your cousin care if you cheated with me?
#4. I bet ya sex you don't have racing strips in your panties.
#3. On a scale of 1-10 I give you a toothless 11.
#2. Dang girl, you look just like someone I worked with at the carnival.
#1. Wanna go to my place and see who makes the best covered wagons?
So there ya have it. My list of top 10 lines. I am sure we could come up with more, because my mind is out there, as we all know. But, in the mean time if one of these lines work for you, remember, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
#9. Your as hot as my cousin, wanna go to my house?
#8. You may not be good enough for your family, but I will lube your chasis.
#7. My cousin is out of town, can you fill the void for me tonight?
#6. My other personality wants to take you home and count all your teeth.
#5. Will your cousin care if you cheated with me?
#4. I bet ya sex you don't have racing strips in your panties.
#3. On a scale of 1-10 I give you a toothless 11.
#2. Dang girl, you look just like someone I worked with at the carnival.
#1. Wanna go to my place and see who makes the best covered wagons?
So there ya have it. My list of top 10 lines. I am sure we could come up with more, because my mind is out there, as we all know. But, in the mean time if one of these lines work for you, remember, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
One LARGE kid
So I read this lady had a 14 lbs baby. First off, mama, that thing ain't no rubberband, no matter what you try, even baling twine, ain't gonna fix that damage. That things gonna be so big a D-10 Bulldozer could drive in without hitting anything. But, in other news, kagels are the best exercise for those that suffer from ineedlaidalot. Ineedlaidalot is the cause from not eating enough ice. To those that do not know, when you munch ice you are either low of iron, or sexual deprived. Either way, your not getting beam.
But, one that I do know, is that when a chick pops out a 10 lbs baby, that little sucker comes out with a cigar in one hand and a football in the other. It is like an 8 month old right there right out of delivery. My nephew was ready to go home from about a minute after. That kid was HUGE. And there is a reason his mother and my brother are single parents.
But in other news, I seen a virgin today, she was at the grocery store looking for meat. I'm not sure if it was beef or chicken. But for some reason she was wearing black and white, she looked alot like a penguin, maybe thats why she hasn't ever had a man. Or maybe its cause she hasn't had the chance to dress like an alderboy. But, all I know father, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
But, one that I do know, is that when a chick pops out a 10 lbs baby, that little sucker comes out with a cigar in one hand and a football in the other. It is like an 8 month old right there right out of delivery. My nephew was ready to go home from about a minute after. That kid was HUGE. And there is a reason his mother and my brother are single parents.
But in other news, I seen a virgin today, she was at the grocery store looking for meat. I'm not sure if it was beef or chicken. But for some reason she was wearing black and white, she looked alot like a penguin, maybe thats why she hasn't ever had a man. Or maybe its cause she hasn't had the chance to dress like an alderboy. But, all I know father, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Hinnylick
Cinco de Mayo, what a word? Who needs that stinking mayo when we have miracle whip? I mean that stuff is like David Copperfield magic tricks, you put it on a sandwich and then all of a sudden it is gone. It just disappears. But, when you put just plain ole mayo on it, it sits there, kids act like they are choking, and it don't really do anything.
One way I have found to help with choking is the hinnylick. I am telling you, if I was choking and someone bent me over a chair and licked my hinny, what ever I was choking on would fly up like a covey of quail in a wheat field. Just the thought alone, I would try to make myself choke just to see what it's like. But, I would sure hope some bean-o would be in order, could you imagine trying to save a life and then you get farted on trying to help?
With the American way of cheeseburgers, panera bread, pizza and all the other fatty foods, there ain't no way the ole Heimlich is going to even be in existence much longer, that is unless evolution kicks in again and we all get longer arms to hug these big bears. So, I am going to write down my idea, and make some poster of how to do it that can be hung in cafeterias across the U.S. I think I am really onto something and saving life's. In speaking of saving life, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
One way I have found to help with choking is the hinnylick. I am telling you, if I was choking and someone bent me over a chair and licked my hinny, what ever I was choking on would fly up like a covey of quail in a wheat field. Just the thought alone, I would try to make myself choke just to see what it's like. But, I would sure hope some bean-o would be in order, could you imagine trying to save a life and then you get farted on trying to help?
With the American way of cheeseburgers, panera bread, pizza and all the other fatty foods, there ain't no way the ole Heimlich is going to even be in existence much longer, that is unless evolution kicks in again and we all get longer arms to hug these big bears. So, I am going to write down my idea, and make some poster of how to do it that can be hung in cafeterias across the U.S. I think I am really onto something and saving life's. In speaking of saving life, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Teenage Drivers
I finally got this crap figured out. After driving with a 15 year old for 2 days, and figuring out why parents of 15 year olds drink, I have mastered the whole Dad Drivers Ed. From now on, when we are set to drive, and teach the kid how to take 10 years off my life, I mastered the fact of setting the cruise control.
If one would reach over and set that puppy at 35 mph, you will never speed up, slow down, or keep having the look at the watch. You will atleast get to the destination faster, cause for some reason, my kid loves the brake. Driving down the highway going 25-45 mph, looking for cars like a hawk for mice, and then driving me crazy. I tell ya, no wonder people who smoke weed don't have teenagers, holy crap, it would take forever to get anywhere.
When I walk out of the place and the kid barks up, CAN I DRIVE, my body begins to go into trembles, and shaking in fear, before finally, I am pressured by little bird on my shoulder saying I LOVE HIM. So I toss over the keys, and then look in the mirror and how many new gray hairs I'm going to get this trip. Its kind of like finishing cracker jacks, you never really know what your going to get until your almost done.
I say as parents we all stand up, just allow these kids to try killing us on Sunday afternoon, when all the Buick drivers are out, and going their speed. I am ain't worried about him hitting anything, heck going as slow as he does, it wouldn't even hurt the car, but what does scare me, is that guy going 60 and running up our tailpipes. So, until I can get this kid law passed, and I am getting more gray hair, and taking a stop to get more Bud Light to deal with this crap, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
If one would reach over and set that puppy at 35 mph, you will never speed up, slow down, or keep having the look at the watch. You will atleast get to the destination faster, cause for some reason, my kid loves the brake. Driving down the highway going 25-45 mph, looking for cars like a hawk for mice, and then driving me crazy. I tell ya, no wonder people who smoke weed don't have teenagers, holy crap, it would take forever to get anywhere.
When I walk out of the place and the kid barks up, CAN I DRIVE, my body begins to go into trembles, and shaking in fear, before finally, I am pressured by little bird on my shoulder saying I LOVE HIM. So I toss over the keys, and then look in the mirror and how many new gray hairs I'm going to get this trip. Its kind of like finishing cracker jacks, you never really know what your going to get until your almost done.
I say as parents we all stand up, just allow these kids to try killing us on Sunday afternoon, when all the Buick drivers are out, and going their speed. I am ain't worried about him hitting anything, heck going as slow as he does, it wouldn't even hurt the car, but what does scare me, is that guy going 60 and running up our tailpipes. So, until I can get this kid law passed, and I am getting more gray hair, and taking a stop to get more Bud Light to deal with this crap, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Funny Things
Why is it when someone gets scared we laugh? Why is it that when we go to scare a person, we all of a sudden have to pee when we hide?
Who decided one day that they were going to invent a tampoon?
Have you ever thought about these? Its the damnest thing you ever did think of. When someone is scared off their butt, we laugh ours off. I really don't understand how me seeing a snake and screaming like a BITCH is all that funny. I could have had a damn heartattack and laid there like a fish out of water all the while that you are standing over me laughing your butt off. Sometimes there are things you need to think about before laughing at a person that just pissed their pants. Like what if that was you?
And then, during paybacks, I hide in a great spot and know I can get them back and make them as scared as I was. I get all into place, controling my breathing like a rattlesnake fixin to hit a mouse, and DAMN I GOTS TO PEE. I sure didn't have to pee when I was thinking about doing it, or when I was getting into position, but all be darn, as soon as I'm there thinking of them pissing and pooping their pants a little, I have to pee. Now, I am going to be the one that pisses his pants and if I don't get them back for them to piss, I am going to look as out of place as a hooker in Catholic Mass.
And what would make one think of making a big cotton motor and deciding to jam that up in a whole and extend out bigger than baseball and use baling twine to yank that puppy out like a teatherball. I mean, you ever dropped one of them bad howards in a toilet bowl? It sucks up all the water and gets gigantic. How do I know? Well, it was man that invented the lock on the bathroom door so we could explore different crap. Every man has read the instruction manual that comes in the tampoon box behind locked doors. We aren't as dumb as we lead on. Well, now that I got your attention, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Who decided one day that they were going to invent a tampoon?
Have you ever thought about these? Its the damnest thing you ever did think of. When someone is scared off their butt, we laugh ours off. I really don't understand how me seeing a snake and screaming like a BITCH is all that funny. I could have had a damn heartattack and laid there like a fish out of water all the while that you are standing over me laughing your butt off. Sometimes there are things you need to think about before laughing at a person that just pissed their pants. Like what if that was you?
And then, during paybacks, I hide in a great spot and know I can get them back and make them as scared as I was. I get all into place, controling my breathing like a rattlesnake fixin to hit a mouse, and DAMN I GOTS TO PEE. I sure didn't have to pee when I was thinking about doing it, or when I was getting into position, but all be darn, as soon as I'm there thinking of them pissing and pooping their pants a little, I have to pee. Now, I am going to be the one that pisses his pants and if I don't get them back for them to piss, I am going to look as out of place as a hooker in Catholic Mass.
And what would make one think of making a big cotton motor and deciding to jam that up in a whole and extend out bigger than baseball and use baling twine to yank that puppy out like a teatherball. I mean, you ever dropped one of them bad howards in a toilet bowl? It sucks up all the water and gets gigantic. How do I know? Well, it was man that invented the lock on the bathroom door so we could explore different crap. Every man has read the instruction manual that comes in the tampoon box behind locked doors. We aren't as dumb as we lead on. Well, now that I got your attention, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Nun yo business
I honestly dont have any idear where porn came up with the whole naughty catholic school girl. That kind of stuff, as often as we watch it,,,,okay, I watch it, don't seem to catch the whole hot nun? In all my travels, I haven't seen a hottie yet, dressed as a penguin, and carrying a bottle of wine. Or maybe I am just going to the wrong places. Heck, I don't think a nun would be in the bar, so maybe that explains it. But that brings on a whole meaning of why people wear black and white into the bar. Humm, good idea for fashion sense.
So one thing the porn industry has done wrong. Well, I'm sure they have done alot more than that, or maybe they just forgot their names. But they need to stop and think. A 42 year old woman in pig tails and a cheerleader outfit, does not make me think of Barely legal either. I just don't get it. Maybe we will never understand what they were trying to imply to us slow American men that like to watch things other than football. But, when men don't get it, and there are no instructions, then really, does that suprise you?
Well, until next time, don't be silly, oh ya, a tip for ya, whenever you are watching porn, don't put the case on the floor. Those cases on carpet is like a banana peel on glass. I just about broke a hip, and pulled my groin slipping on that thing, darn good thing I didn't drop my lotion, or there would have been more of a mess on the floor. Well, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
So one thing the porn industry has done wrong. Well, I'm sure they have done alot more than that, or maybe they just forgot their names. But they need to stop and think. A 42 year old woman in pig tails and a cheerleader outfit, does not make me think of Barely legal either. I just don't get it. Maybe we will never understand what they were trying to imply to us slow American men that like to watch things other than football. But, when men don't get it, and there are no instructions, then really, does that suprise you?
Well, until next time, don't be silly, oh ya, a tip for ya, whenever you are watching porn, don't put the case on the floor. Those cases on carpet is like a banana peel on glass. I just about broke a hip, and pulled my groin slipping on that thing, darn good thing I didn't drop my lotion, or there would have been more of a mess on the floor. Well, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
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