Days of thunder

Rented this movie for the 35th time, days of thunder. Now that all of you know I'm a redneck, with a blue collar, and a bullet, you will understand why I rented it again.
For some reason, when you buy a movie, you never watch it again, so the ones I like, I rent, so it makes it ready for me to watch. So what if I could of owned it.
Nascar Is to me like a animal in a zoo. It is like a ring of all these people just like me, well, some it takes alot of beer to be close, but man, its like paying 45 dollars for a ticket to a family reunion.
So I sit and watch my favorite show, saying the punch lines with them, making me really feel like an actor right with them. But, knowing that I have donated 35 more dollars to them, why can't they make a second one? Cause there isn't a kid who can ride a broom around which is gay? Piss on them.
Back on the mullets, our my bullet, I have the title from a mullet going bald. I earned it!!!! A wollet is a woman mullet, and a t top is the 1986 t bird, with your class tassel from graduation in the mirror, and letter jacket on your shoulders and 501s hugging your ass, joe dirt mullet. That thing is classic, its easier to find than an unicorn, but damn, one really goes over the top to be the greatest nascar lover of all time.
So the moral of my story is, hell, if you have all your hair, grow it trim it who cares, and I see a right turn down at the road. And STOP buying and supporting these gay kids on broom movies when you can have great movies!!!!
No get out there and hit the damn pace car!!!! You've hit everything else on the damn track!!!!!

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Things we tell our kids

Shut up, get over here, stop crying, when I was in school, clean your plate, get up here, get down from there, don't make nee tell you again, why don't you listen to me, as long as your in my house I make the rules, no your not, be home on time, where you at, who you with, get a job, no your not, you are grounded, go to your room, I don't care, if you make me repeat myself your going to get it.
Why do we all say these things to our kids? Like they care, like they listen, you try to help, but nope, your just making yourself feel better. Back in the days when I wore a diaper, the first time, I really didn't care, back in the days you got your ass whooped with a belt, spanked in public, mom yelled at you, the cops were all cool, you never heard about some kid causing so much problems he made the news. So spank on, I believe in discipline, just don't beat them, they will learn, and get your own phrases!!!!

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Work

Working in Nebraska with Florida like weather for 14 hours a day for a week will take its toll on a man. I have a real friend now.
My friend is gold bond powder, I carry him in a holster on my side, I can whip him out and puff a shot of powder faster than John Wayne. I have no idea how the cows and bulls are getting by without some sort of chaffing helper.
But, with this heat and humidity, when you have to pee you get more excited than a man with no arms getting a sponge bath. No arms, and single, DAMN,now that would suck.
So anyways, if your not wearing underwear now, you look like you pissed yourself after about 30 minutes of working outside. So, go ahead you hairy gorillas, go on down to Sears and get a weed eater to take care of the landscape your packing around. Our just go to Brazil and get a wax, its like air conditioning in the pants.

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I decided

To much thinking, I have thought that the only woman that leans on me the best, is my one legged country girl. She was an automatic shoe in.
But, she frustrated when I would take her out in public. She always brought up her wood leg. From being in bath and body trying to buy lotion for me, saying gosh, if this smells good enough for your wood, I very it would be good enough for mine.
My god, I got tired of waking up in the middle of the night tripping over her damn log next to the bed. So, I did what most every other man would do, threw the damn thing in the wood burning stove, and told her to take a hike. That wasn't funny, she said I was the first asshole that ever said that to her, so I said, hop the heck out my house!!!!!!
She was a leaner, but she made me laugh. every time my dog humped her leg and got splinters, I laughed. When she tried to beat met with her leg, I laughed. And when I would hide her leg from her in the mornings, I laughed. She always made me laugh.
But that country girl was a real girl, but if she could of just stopped telling people her wood was longer than mine I would have this bad reputation.

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Cost?

Went to the mall to look at a new watch, one that makes you look good in your church outfit. My god, I liked this watch, no love, just like, and the damn thing was $300.00. I looked at the little raghead and said"I just bought a new tv at walmart for $250, and that thing is 32 inches wide, and I don't have to get my fat ass off the couch to run it. And the damn thing will reach out and talk to space to get my channels."
He looked at me, "sir, nice watch, look good on you, you don't understand." Obviously, YOU don't understand, my tv is great and I only wear watches when I dress up, I west jeans and t shirts to church, so does that tell you it will cost me $300 each time I wear it? Your freaking out of your mind!!!!!
He said," no sir, me watch will run you tv, neighbor tv, any tv, and head phones listen to radio."
Obviously, I didn't understand, so I'm now the proud owner of a new black plastic, fm radio, tv remote that goes on my wrist. So now I'm on a wagon, going everywhere I know they have tvs just to puss people off and switch channels!!!!

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The man that can't

There are some things that guys just can't do. For instance, isle 11, woman products. Now why the heck would we buy those for our women, and what makes you women think we can do something so drastic?
My god, narrow, wide, wings, no winds, applicator, ribbed applicator, wtf? Ribbed applicator? Heavy, light, nite, day, athletic, sleeper, how do you know? There is no fitting room for these cotton missles, is it like buy and try or phone a friend?
All I know is one falls out if the cabinet into the toilet and poof, the water is gone, no wonder you have cramps, if I had a huge cotton slug in me I would be cramping too.
And down the isle some, how does one figure out that a little summer evening in a box is the thing for them? I'm not even going there, but I am going to the store and NO I cannot buy those things. 6 choices confuse me, god bless if I have 60 on something I don't even need. And none of them get into my cart when I'm pushing it unless today concealed!!!!!!

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So hot!!!!!

It's so hot I seen a bird picking a worm with tongs!!!
It's so hot the snakes are trying to get ice.
It's so hot Obama cooked his chicken on the manhole cover.
it's so hot the Johava Witnesses canceled going door to door.
Now that's hot!!!!
It's so hot horses are asking for brazilians!!!
It's so hot I can't even get the kids outside!!!
It's so hot the public pool is now the public whirlpool.
It's so hot when I peed in the pool it actually felt cold.
It's so hot that my neighbors rug on his head melted and dripped off his ears.
It's so hot snoopy isn't even saying joe cool.
It's so hot people are asking to go to hell to cool down.
It's so hot when I caught a fish it was already cooked.
But least I say, in this humidity, we need gills to breath.

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Why they do that?

You ever notice kids that kids only do crazy crap when people important to you are watching? Like the day we were taking to the preacher, I heard a wait for it, wait for it, then a HUGE fart.
Or letting your kids meet you boss and introducing your daughters they decide to lift their dresses over their their heads. Then you are like,,,, how about those snow white panties?
Your on the phone and all of a sudden they decide they want to scream and fight. Soon as you hang up, all is normal again.
Your talking to a olds friend and then out of nowhere, your kids decide to bite you? What is it and where is the switch to shut this crap off?
My kids are always good because they know paying the piper is NOT fun. I will get them back, go get them from school honking the horn in my pajamas and running up to give them a hug in front of all their friends is my best one!!!!

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Krazy kids

Kids do and say the damndest things. Ever want to know the truth, ask a kid. From where you think that airplane is going? To the airport dad.
only a kid can trip, roll off a curb, and hop right back up and finish doing what they were doing. Only a kid falling in mid sentence, would be able to just keep on talking, like nothing ever happen.
The best ever is when you plant a baby monitor in their room and listen to them. Chat from how bad they have the meanest mom, to things they get away with, to things they did their moms never found out about. Wish I recorded that day.
To see a kid riding a bike, holding at him waving, he can't ride straight, well, straight into a tree. But he gets up, checks his bike, checks for girls, then checks himself for blood, in that order. When I was a kid, I ran right into a tree looking at Girl, with my own two feet. Got me 2 stitches, but heck, I was good.
Kids are absolutely funnier than 2 drunk guys telling jokes, and almost all if their stories are true, except for the monsters.

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Great day

To those that think freedom of speech is just an idea, they can kiss my butt. To say that someone can't publish a funny blog, or have fun because your life sucks and you want to just try to be the biggest pain in the ass society has ever seen, listed my butt.
Some things in life can be fixed, but stupidity cannot. No matter how hard you try, dumb people just get dumber. Hints the movie!!!!! When your worried about every one else but yourself, that is too bad, stop to look in the mirror and meet Karma, she and you will become good friends.
But to those that believe funny people make great dads, uncles, grandpas, cousins, and brothers, grab a beer, or glass of wine and dump it over some waster of our air to show you believe.
This is why I want buried face down so the worlds wreckers can kiss my butt, on my tombstone it will say BRB, cause I'm coming back as MR KARMA to make sure I get the last laugh, and maybe I will be the last comic standing!!!!!

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Stop and wonder

Ever wonder who was the dumb ass that put his hand in the fan on am engine that was on? He had them make a sticker.
Who puts diesel in their unleaded car? I bet that takes some work getting that big nozzle in that has hole. There is a sticker for that
wonder who lets their kids play with plastic sacks? If you need that sticker you should NOT even have kids.
cigs? My god, we all know it can kill you, like a label is going to stop them.
Wonder how many people fell at the watch your step sticker? That's a good place for a hidden camera.
My grill even says CAUTION HOT!!! No shit? I thought uv light cooked inside a grill.
But best of all, a cord that says it may produce electric shock, no kidding? Really? Make it plug in itself, or make a friend do it for you.
Some of the worlds people need a cd player saying, inhale, exhale, inhale, just to keep them alive.
Next time you see a warning, step into my mind, laugh and say wonder who didn't know, our who did this to get a sticker in their honor.

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Catch up

When women meet up with someone they haven't seen forever, they talk, and talk. Hows life, where you live, kids, married? Spend HOURS catching up, making plans.
They come home, tell us, like we really know who the heck they are even talking about. Then add the, oh by the way, her and her husband are coming over on saturday for diner. I have friends, who I thought were going to come over and watch the game, guess party is on, and say hello to the new guy.
We don't like meeting the other half of your hot friends, they are the one we are going to take her from when you leave us, please don't ask him to come over and be our friends.
But when we meet someone we haven't seen for years, we walk up, hey, what's up? Nothing, and you? Nothing. We come home tell you we ran into so and so. And we get 20 questions, kids, wife, where's he working? My god, we didn't get his social and a background check. Crap we got caught up in 5 words. Sorry, next time I will bring him home and you can interrogate him.
Why are girls so much drama?

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Fair foods

To come up with the idea of deep fried twinkies had to be an idea of some lady in weight watchers that was missing fried foods and junk treats. Little did she know she was into a hit.
The frozen banana on a stock came from a husband that found frozen bananas in the freezer his wife was saving them for banana nut bread. He probably got his ass chewed, but he found a hit!!!!
Turkey legs, who was the first to think,,,,,, very I can eat that funny looking bird!!! Don't pick me, I've ate alot of things, but a turkey in a field don't get my mouth watering.
Funnel cakes, what a great invention to get kids to eat pancakes. I bet that idea was from a lady with parkinson disease, that couldn't hold the pourer to make a pancake.
Corn dog, hmmmmm, pig in a blanket, ON A STICK!!!! Had to be a man trying not to burn his fingers while pigging out. Should of been named a COP DOG. but where did dog come from? Maybe a weiner dog that burns his belly when her runs across the carpet?
All those foods, I see will cause you be missing teeth, our maybe its the cleaning up the place that does. When I go to the fair, I have not bought any food from someone with all their teeth. But I wish I was young again, where I could eat all if them, all day long, riding rides, and never puking on myself and not making my cholesterol shoot through the moon.

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Small towns

The love of a small town comes from one not really giving a crap who knows more about themselves than they do. From farting on your porch, the whole town will know in about 5 minutes, probably faster not that 3G is reaching out to rural america.
If you don't want your name on the front page of the paper, when your family comes to town, MOVE!!! God forbid if you get a divorce, you are shunned like a morman grounded from his bicycle. Half the town is for you, half is against you.
If you don't want everyone to know your business and keep from everyone having their head up your butt, pack up and move on.

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Walmart

Went to walmart today, seen they are going to open a dentist office? Damn falling prices are chipping teeth, now they can hook you up fixing your teeth. Good news, they are opening an express lane for those with 15 teeth or less.
Saw a lady wearing a bun in oven shirt with an arrow pointing down. So I walked up to her and said, if you got to crap, go to the end of shoes, that is where the bathroom is. She looked at me like I was as dumb as her, so I said, you advertising your butt baby? And just kept on walking, I should of directed her to the helmets, but she would not understand.
So all these crazy shirts they sell, who designs those? My kids have better sayings then 3/4 of them. that is crap they are getting paid for them.
I got to meet Mr Ts mom, or a woman that had more costume jewelry than he ever thought he could wear. She was all Tammy Fayed out, thinking she was all that and a bucket of chicken from the deli that had been sitting out all day. That stale, crispy, greased soaked chicken that you are greeted with at the door.
So if you ever need a laugh, go and sit down at Walmart, the only neat thing you will find is cheap contacts from the lady with the space shoes that helps you and ask you the question 10 times cause she only has a keyboard at work.

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A true story

Back when I was skinny, and in single digits for an age, I okay, long ago. My gramps had a hunting dog named Bridget. She was a good dog, and back then I swear she could run 100 mph. Every night when he got home he would let her run, and round and round she would go, running a track oval, tossing up dirt balls. The only time she would stop was to poop, but after that she got faster.
So being the smart grandchild, scared of nothing, still upset his red calf bucked me off. I got closer and closer to her dirt ring, with my grandpa telling me to move back. RIGHT, she's a damn dog, not a red calf. So I waited, like a tiger waiting for that limp zebra to run by, on my own 3 count in my head I jumped out to stop her head on.
That dog hit me so hard she knocked me out of my shoes and about 20 feet backwards. I never in my life though that would happen, I jumped up, started screaming, and trying to find which direction to run to the house to have my grandma protect me. In the mean time, gramps kept telling me,,,, TOLD YA SO, TOLD YA SO, and was laughing at me. That made me madder, so across the yard I ran like a drunk running from the cops, grandma meet me at the door wondering wtf just happen.
Gramps let her know, all I could get out was Bridget. And my grandma looked at me and said, bet you don't do that again.
By god, still to this day my grandpa thinks that's the funniest thing, and I try to relive the moment and have one of my kids try it, why won't they, they got my genes. But oh no, they say, you crazy?
The thing I learned is I won't ever be able to stop a train, and I can't ride a calf. That's crap!!!!

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The short armed BBQ man

When you have short arms, you cannot buy a grill that you can't reach the back of without causing baldness and 3rd degree burns to ones forearms. Just a rule of logic, there is a reason Walmart sells tongs, and flippers with an extended handle, for you!!!
Trying to put on a show being Emeril, isn't good at all when the burn hair smell over rides the burgers. I would love to offer you some rogaine, but it is flammable and I would not feel safe giving such an item to a person that singes off their arm hair.
But in looking in the near future, Weber, the leader in the grilling industry, makes an oval grill that the lid comes completely off, therefore allowing you 360 degrees to get around the grill. What a concept.
But until you decide to burn more hairs off your arm, turn on the gas for 2 minutes with the lid shut, open quickly to toss in a match, missing eyebrows are far more entertaining than no arm hair.
And remember, round grills, and extended handle grilling tools are at Walmart.

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The FOURTH

Today is one of those National Holiday a I wonder why the heck we give the illegals the day off.
They sneak in here, then they want to observe MY holiday, who makes these guidelines? Make them work 7 days a week, hard, 24 hour days, make it so hard on them they sneak back home.
But onto other news, I went down to the firework stand, told the guy he was WAY to expensive. He said, well don't buy your crap here, I don't care. So I went across the street, bought 5 roman candles. lite them bastards, shooting them at Mr. I Don't Care,,,, yelling, you care now? You care now?
The look on his face was great, complete worry, and I didn't even break a law, I was back 300 feet. Nothing I have read states you cannot shoot them at the stand, just 300 feet away. So bust my balls for pushing limits, and trying to get a cheaper discount.
My motto to savings is, you can't eat a table dance, so save your ones for the dollar menu. God bless America!!!!

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Welcome to America

As a veteran, I've been to 13 countries and not a one of them will bow down to English. But come to America and go ahead and speak your native language, we will just print all our crap in your language. This is bullshit.
My idea is to buy Mexico, paint up the buildings, do some landscaping, and in order to do that, we need to send some painters and landscapers back down there. To choose which ones, we give them instructions written in English, the ones that don't understand, your going back!!! Get it ask spruced up, sell it to a country that we know can't afford the payment, then repossess it, so we got the country, and some extra money owed to us.
Keep moving south doing that, then that big ass wall we can't afford, is a heck of alot shorter!!!!
Then sell the Florida tip, aka Miami, to puerto rico, heck half their country is there now, the signs are in spanish, so they got it made, and we make more money.
In closing, WELCOME TO AMERICA, SPEAK ENGLISH OUR GO HOME!!!

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One day

To sit and think about doing stupid shit to your body to get recognition that will never be the way you dream it should, is like looking down the end of a roman candle that has been lit. What the heck makes one decide to stick sticks and swords down their throats to impress people? My god, of you can deep throat a sword, get your ass out on the corner and work it, some guys will pay LOTS to have that. And how did you find you could do it? Sitting at home one day just shoving crap into your mouth?
Same goes for the guy that had a crane pick him up by his skin, wtf was going thruout his head the day he decided to bee a human flag? Some people amaze the heck out of me, do all this stupid stuff in dreaming that they can be on tv, and then wonder why the heck they are single. The day god handed out brains they heard trains and took the first one to Arkansas.

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Dinner and a dance?

Tonight, while doing my normal thing, letting my mind flash cards at me with pictures. I got to wondering, its time to evaluate to the strip bar. You go in, for a dollar they will let you see the goods closer and some even dance on a table.
Now to me, that's like taking a fat guy to dinner and not letting him taste the food unless he tips it. Who the hell thought of this idea? You should go in, be able to look at whatever you want, tell her to roll her titties back up and put them away, without paying a looker fee. You don't get charged to look at cars, nor to take them for a test drive, but that leans more towards hookers. So long story short, if some slut wants to ride a pole, tip over a table, breath through my pants, why would I pay for her to do more?
So I tip my hat off to the lady they call basso, and laugh at the short fat horny guys giving them money for something they will never get.

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