This town is a breed of their own. From a always drunk airport fireman, to a banker that married into the money, everyone has a nickname. Everone knows everyone, and when you aren't from there, they will come up and ask where you are from. Nice people, great ones.
I learned about Nebraska up there, they love the Huskers, and some even went to school in Nebraska. I also learned that there were 4 sisters from that area that raised white horses, and they were used for circus and shows. They were the ones that came up with the white horse evadently. But who's counting? They weren't even Indian. Shocker.
There's a dead animal stuffer dude that obviously collects racoon penis and makes earrings of them? I always heard about screwing her in the ear, but comeon animals, you can't beat us to it. What would ever make one think, Damn those there would make some good earrings?? Sticking a penis in your ear? I'm sure someone can help with that, maybe some medication. To impress me more, a school board member, a dude, had one in his ear.
The high school kids were stuck, in the middle of nowhere, where their parents know all there is to do is drink, so those kids had to blow a breathalizer before post prom. So, beings I am who I am, there was a line and I told the Sheriff, you might want to zip up your fly so you don't confuse them on what they have to blow in. He didn't find it as funny as me, oh well, strike ONE. After that, they had some games, and one of these was the nastiest thing I ever seen.
They had to pick anywhere between 3-6 foods, and 1-3 drinks, toss them in a blender, and drink a shot of it. This would be a killer bar game, but we are talking, smoked oysters, cake, oreos, yogurt, whorchestershire sauce, hot dogs, beets, mustard, hot sauce, cheetos, sauerkraut, and the drinks were vegatable juice, pineapple juice, and orange pop. Some of these things blended up smelled like puke to start, let alone the chunky hot dog being poured into the shot glass. And KUDOS to these kids, one and only one puker, a girl, go figure. But they were troopers.
Next year, when I go I am taking cow tongue, brains, intestines, salmon, and RAW oysters, gonna go big!! But all in all I had a blast, I babysat the parents while the kids were home having sex, or at prom, and then after, I babysat the kids so the parents could go home and get funky. The parents were all drunk, so I am betting they had a funner time. But I sure hope they weren't silly and wrapped ole willy.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Laurel Nebraska Cop
In my journey around this great area we call the Midwest, I get to meet alot of great people, lots of weird people, and many comedians. Or I guess, everyone is a comedian when there's a comedian. But, the newest member of the stuck in head club, would happen to be a part time officer in Laurel Nebraska. That poor kid, I was busting on him, then found out he was a cop, and holy balls, I tea bagged him like the hooker he was.
Nothing says I'm a cop more than sitting at the table with the food, in which the food was 2 pink penis cakes. I had to watch him so he didn't start licking the frosting. I honestly thought he was enjoying eyeballing the cake, which he wouldn't admit. But come to find up, he had a cover up wife for 7 years, which really is a long time for a woman to figure out where the door is. I didn't see a picture. But, now he has himself a chick he is proud of.
He has one of them stripper chicks. The one's that everyone gets to see naked but you, the ones that have more diseases than a rat in Boston, one that can do some funky things in the sheets. And he is proud, ONLY IN NEBRASKA. I was telling him, if I had a calendar, 420 would be a date each month, and Willie Nelson would be President. I went on and on about weed how the cops are so insecure they want to keep it illegal so they have a job. Because, if your stoned, your not going to speed, I mean 25 is freaking flying, and you won't steal, that requires having to wait until you can feel your legs, and if anything the economy is going to get alot of help, cause we are going to be buying food. On and on I went, then I got my small town cop joke.
Said I love small towns cause there is only one officer, I like to catch him, rip down his pants and cuff him to the main street light pole. And THAT'S where the secret was out. One person said he would like that, so I being me, looked at the guy by the penis cakes, and said you the cop? To much of my surprise, YES HE WAS. I damn sure made sure he had enough beer to drink, so I could get the heck out of town. But this is the same cop that tried to pull over some Federal Agents, and walked up to the car, and they lite that Suburban up like a Christmas Tree. Nothing says Have a nice day like pulling over the F.B.I. when you are a part timer, in a small town, and have no idea what a tazer looks like.
This is the kid of guy you hand a condom to and he thinks it's a single wrapped breath mint, I tell ya, a real no brainer. But, I did let him know, he is the sorry subject for a blog, and now ya got it. So, if your not a gay cop, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Nothing says I'm a cop more than sitting at the table with the food, in which the food was 2 pink penis cakes. I had to watch him so he didn't start licking the frosting. I honestly thought he was enjoying eyeballing the cake, which he wouldn't admit. But come to find up, he had a cover up wife for 7 years, which really is a long time for a woman to figure out where the door is. I didn't see a picture. But, now he has himself a chick he is proud of.
He has one of them stripper chicks. The one's that everyone gets to see naked but you, the ones that have more diseases than a rat in Boston, one that can do some funky things in the sheets. And he is proud, ONLY IN NEBRASKA. I was telling him, if I had a calendar, 420 would be a date each month, and Willie Nelson would be President. I went on and on about weed how the cops are so insecure they want to keep it illegal so they have a job. Because, if your stoned, your not going to speed, I mean 25 is freaking flying, and you won't steal, that requires having to wait until you can feel your legs, and if anything the economy is going to get alot of help, cause we are going to be buying food. On and on I went, then I got my small town cop joke.
Said I love small towns cause there is only one officer, I like to catch him, rip down his pants and cuff him to the main street light pole. And THAT'S where the secret was out. One person said he would like that, so I being me, looked at the guy by the penis cakes, and said you the cop? To much of my surprise, YES HE WAS. I damn sure made sure he had enough beer to drink, so I could get the heck out of town. But this is the same cop that tried to pull over some Federal Agents, and walked up to the car, and they lite that Suburban up like a Christmas Tree. Nothing says Have a nice day like pulling over the F.B.I. when you are a part timer, in a small town, and have no idea what a tazer looks like.
This is the kid of guy you hand a condom to and he thinks it's a single wrapped breath mint, I tell ya, a real no brainer. But, I did let him know, he is the sorry subject for a blog, and now ya got it. So, if your not a gay cop, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Catholic School
I had a show up in the boondocks of Nebraska, after playing in a hail storm and then making it to an awesome birthday show, off I rolled at midnight to another show, with a start of 2 a.m. And to much of my belief, what a disaster that show was. I thought I got stuck with a bunch of Jerry's kids that were at a slumber party.
I show up, all the kids, all 50 of them, were done with prom, and in street clothes, playing with inflatable toys, I mean, I walked right into a teenager Chuck cheese. I knew I was screwed worse than a sheep 50 miles from a town. So, I waited, until the start time, and hit the stage. Them kids, not only were they Catholic, but tired Catholics, obviously not enough wine. I told a couple jokes, like I'm sure you watch cable ytv and 16 and pregnant, I can't wait until the sequel 32 and grandma. That joke went over there head like Airforce One taking off in Iraq. Not one kid even grinned, so I had to break it down, 16 plus 16 equals 32. When your 16 and have a kid, then your kid is 16 and has one cause you did, then your 32 and a grandma. Then they laughed.
I have no idea what them Catholic kids learn now days, but back when I was in school, we had 3 high schools, and I know for a fact we wouldn't skip a Catholic kids party. Heck, we would have skipped prom to hit one. Not up here, I don't think party or funny is allowed. So I pulled a couple more, and got nothing, these kids are just plain whipped, I didn't even bring up the "off like a prom dress", I didn't want to hear, I already have it off at home on a hanger." Shock me, what I thought was going to be a awesome show, was a complete practice, I've had better reactions in a mirror than what I got there that night.
But all in all, I had a hell of a time busting on a cop at the Birthday Party, and man oh man, when my speeding head spins something out about him, the blog is on. But don't be silly wrap ole willy. If your Catholic I will explain that later.
I show up, all the kids, all 50 of them, were done with prom, and in street clothes, playing with inflatable toys, I mean, I walked right into a teenager Chuck cheese. I knew I was screwed worse than a sheep 50 miles from a town. So, I waited, until the start time, and hit the stage. Them kids, not only were they Catholic, but tired Catholics, obviously not enough wine. I told a couple jokes, like I'm sure you watch cable ytv and 16 and pregnant, I can't wait until the sequel 32 and grandma. That joke went over there head like Airforce One taking off in Iraq. Not one kid even grinned, so I had to break it down, 16 plus 16 equals 32. When your 16 and have a kid, then your kid is 16 and has one cause you did, then your 32 and a grandma. Then they laughed.
I have no idea what them Catholic kids learn now days, but back when I was in school, we had 3 high schools, and I know for a fact we wouldn't skip a Catholic kids party. Heck, we would have skipped prom to hit one. Not up here, I don't think party or funny is allowed. So I pulled a couple more, and got nothing, these kids are just plain whipped, I didn't even bring up the "off like a prom dress", I didn't want to hear, I already have it off at home on a hanger." Shock me, what I thought was going to be a awesome show, was a complete practice, I've had better reactions in a mirror than what I got there that night.
But all in all, I had a hell of a time busting on a cop at the Birthday Party, and man oh man, when my speeding head spins something out about him, the blog is on. But don't be silly wrap ole willy. If your Catholic I will explain that later.
True Friend
Alot of us have this belief that some of our friends are good friends. But I now have to set you all straight. A TRUE GOOD FRIEND is a friend that will steal your shit back from the impound yard, hide it in their garage, and make sure you get it back. Now that is way above and beyond bailing you out of jail and not telling your wife.
Nothing says I got a secret until you have had a vehicle taken, for no reason, and put up in a "doghouse" until you contact the Police Department to get it back. Some things that surprised me, is only in small town America, will an impound lot not have a fence. That is like having pet ducks with no water. Lets think, usually people who get stuff impounded, are the bad ones, like the same group that will steal their stuff back from the impound lot.
Nothing is better than a phone call saying, hey buddy, I got your vehicle back, it's in my garage, but we got to be quick. Get it out of town, and hide it, make sure you sell it, only cash. And whatever you do, don't rat your peep out, that's a real peep right there.
So when you think you have some balls, you have nothing until you have stollen your buddies stuff back from the Police impound lot. That is something I can't say, but I am sure one that would do that, better damn sure not be silly and wrap ole willy. We don't need anymore genius thiefs.
Nothing says I got a secret until you have had a vehicle taken, for no reason, and put up in a "doghouse" until you contact the Police Department to get it back. Some things that surprised me, is only in small town America, will an impound lot not have a fence. That is like having pet ducks with no water. Lets think, usually people who get stuff impounded, are the bad ones, like the same group that will steal their stuff back from the impound lot.
Nothing is better than a phone call saying, hey buddy, I got your vehicle back, it's in my garage, but we got to be quick. Get it out of town, and hide it, make sure you sell it, only cash. And whatever you do, don't rat your peep out, that's a real peep right there.
So when you think you have some balls, you have nothing until you have stollen your buddies stuff back from the Police impound lot. That is something I can't say, but I am sure one that would do that, better damn sure not be silly and wrap ole willy. We don't need anymore genius thiefs.
Numb
Well sometimes the greatest things are where you wouldn't expect to find them. Like at Walmart, back in the kids toys, in the sword and magic isle, they had some spray. It was spray to numb your throat so you could be a sword swallower. The exact thing crossing my mind, was not a sword, but have I got just the chick to test this out. And off home I went.
I called her and told her I had a new toy for her when I came home from Walmart, and you would have thought I bought her a new car, she hopped right in her wheelchair and came over. Bless her heart. I showed it to her, and she said she didn't want to become a magician. So I held her mouth open, sprayed it in there, and unzipped my drawers. Holy zit faced teenagers, before my pants hit the ground, she was down on my like a Russian being shot at. I got to play me a game of operation, I removed some tonsils, and epiglottis, and a I have no freaking idea.
I let her finish, I couldn't do it, I would have went off like a 12 gauge shotgun on a pheasant, probably blew the hair off the back of her head. Kind of crazy I couldn't go, but you can't fake it when they will know. So, her lips were tired, and jaw cramping, so I let her roll back home like a gentleman. And that is when it dawned on me why I couldn't go. After I zipped it up in my fly and felt nothing, that shit numbed me too. Not only did I get the best toy in Walmart, but I got me a 2 in one. So if your looking for a sword swallower and a guy that will LAST, get your ass down to Walmart toy section and get some. But in the heat of the night, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
I called her and told her I had a new toy for her when I came home from Walmart, and you would have thought I bought her a new car, she hopped right in her wheelchair and came over. Bless her heart. I showed it to her, and she said she didn't want to become a magician. So I held her mouth open, sprayed it in there, and unzipped my drawers. Holy zit faced teenagers, before my pants hit the ground, she was down on my like a Russian being shot at. I got to play me a game of operation, I removed some tonsils, and epiglottis, and a I have no freaking idea.
I let her finish, I couldn't do it, I would have went off like a 12 gauge shotgun on a pheasant, probably blew the hair off the back of her head. Kind of crazy I couldn't go, but you can't fake it when they will know. So, her lips were tired, and jaw cramping, so I let her roll back home like a gentleman. And that is when it dawned on me why I couldn't go. After I zipped it up in my fly and felt nothing, that shit numbed me too. Not only did I get the best toy in Walmart, but I got me a 2 in one. So if your looking for a sword swallower and a guy that will LAST, get your ass down to Walmart toy section and get some. But in the heat of the night, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Climate Change
One thing in this world that happens is, we go thru a climate change. The summers are warm, HOT, being I'm from Nebraska. The winters cold, la da la da. Some of us around here believe, that you cannot wear certain clothing articles all year long. For instance, panty hose.
First thing that comes to my mind, is WHY would someone buy such a thing, take 30 minutes of extra stretching, jumping, rolling, cussing, and sneaking to get into these things? Its like wearing 2 sets of undies. That is crazy, but the man who invented them, he was a genius. Probably a stand up comic somewhere, single, lots of ladies, and thought, how can I make something that there is a possibility of a woman accidentally working out naked in front of me. So off he went.
All I know, is in the winter they stay warm to help warm up my ears when they are cold when she's wearing them. And in the summer, it makes a great cheese dip. I often times wondered what exactly a girl does wear up under her panty hoses. So off to Walmart, my find everything store, to lift up dresses to check. I learned that alot of women are all on the period at the same time, and they all wear pads. But, I also learned, that you have a 50-50 chance of seeing a chick in undies vs without. Now, what I didn't understand was why the ones with panties on still had their maxipad on the outside of their underwear. It is probably cause them panty hose are so tight it make them have to pee like a race horse on lasex.
All I know is when they come off and ssssssssshhhhhhhhhooooooooookkkkkkkkkkk, shrink down to Barbie pants, life is grand, and all of a sudden she isn't on the period anymore. They are magic, talk about magic, don't be silly wrap old willy.
First thing that comes to my mind, is WHY would someone buy such a thing, take 30 minutes of extra stretching, jumping, rolling, cussing, and sneaking to get into these things? Its like wearing 2 sets of undies. That is crazy, but the man who invented them, he was a genius. Probably a stand up comic somewhere, single, lots of ladies, and thought, how can I make something that there is a possibility of a woman accidentally working out naked in front of me. So off he went.
All I know, is in the winter they stay warm to help warm up my ears when they are cold when she's wearing them. And in the summer, it makes a great cheese dip. I often times wondered what exactly a girl does wear up under her panty hoses. So off to Walmart, my find everything store, to lift up dresses to check. I learned that alot of women are all on the period at the same time, and they all wear pads. But, I also learned, that you have a 50-50 chance of seeing a chick in undies vs without. Now, what I didn't understand was why the ones with panties on still had their maxipad on the outside of their underwear. It is probably cause them panty hose are so tight it make them have to pee like a race horse on lasex.
All I know is when they come off and ssssssssshhhhhhhhhooooooooookkkkkkkkkkk, shrink down to Barbie pants, life is grand, and all of a sudden she isn't on the period anymore. They are magic, talk about magic, don't be silly wrap old willy.
Spandex
Okay, Ms 300, spandex is way beyond what it could do to you 150 pounds ago. Now what is going thru your head to think that man made stuff was going to hold you in? Now that I just puked a little in my mouth. I am going to add, and that shirt? That ain't true you can hold your muffin top back from being a cupcake. Spandex were invented when schools wouldn't let girls go to school naked.
It was to help guys out, by letting us see your beautiful curves, and the outline to heaven. Or whatever you refer to it as, shaved kitty, kitty, beaver, fish with no smell, bearded clam, raw oyster, eeeewwwww think about the half shell. Okay. Anywho, a man invented such an item to get us aroused, and have women pay money on something to make us do it. HELLO Victoria, it isn't a secret, your a ho!!!
Now someone explain to me why when I wear them, people laugh. That just isn't right. They drool on the women and laugh at me. What the hell is it? I have the potato in the front, they really laugh when it is in the back, but a great way to cut in a line somewhere.
All I know is, obviously man is making them suckers to big, to hell with save the whales, save the material and make 2, then they will good in that crap. Just remember, you can't squeeze the dimples out of a golf ball, so calm down there Julie Brown and back on up to the parachute pants. Thank you. But the babes who can wear them, HELLO, keep doing what your doing cause I am wanting to do you, and not even be silly, and wrap ole willy.
It was to help guys out, by letting us see your beautiful curves, and the outline to heaven. Or whatever you refer to it as, shaved kitty, kitty, beaver, fish with no smell, bearded clam, raw oyster, eeeewwwww think about the half shell. Okay. Anywho, a man invented such an item to get us aroused, and have women pay money on something to make us do it. HELLO Victoria, it isn't a secret, your a ho!!!
Now someone explain to me why when I wear them, people laugh. That just isn't right. They drool on the women and laugh at me. What the hell is it? I have the potato in the front, they really laugh when it is in the back, but a great way to cut in a line somewhere.
All I know is, obviously man is making them suckers to big, to hell with save the whales, save the material and make 2, then they will good in that crap. Just remember, you can't squeeze the dimples out of a golf ball, so calm down there Julie Brown and back on up to the parachute pants. Thank you. But the babes who can wear them, HELLO, keep doing what your doing cause I am wanting to do you, and not even be silly, and wrap ole willy.
Frustration
Sexual Frustration, ice chompers, master baiters, bean flickers, and all in all, Dr. John dreamers. Having sexual frustrations is a bad thing in today's world, even small towns have girls that are trying to keep from being frustrated. And Vegas,,,,,ain't no reason to be there.
I'm the kind of guy that has to wear duct tape on his leg to keep people from knowing how frustrated a guy can be. Nothing like trying to cage a monkey. But man, after a while, that glue on the tape will almost make your member look like a barbershop pole. So, I have learned to wrap him in toilet paper, then tape it down.
Think of what Pamela Anderson goes thru at night? The Ho of all Ho's and being single, well, probably having some poor frustrated bastard pay to play with that silly putty chest she is prancing around with. I wonder if she laid on a newspaper if the print would transfer? Hummmm, well, I now have a mission.
So, when I am out, on the prowl, I always look for the ice chompers, that is a sure tail sign of sexual frustration. Even if they are low on iron, they need some iron in their diet, heck ya I am packing some non rusty iron in my britches. A damn I beam that could be used on a skyscraper. Okay, enough about me, but don't be silly, wrap ole willy, and watch out if your chomping ICE around me.
I'm the kind of guy that has to wear duct tape on his leg to keep people from knowing how frustrated a guy can be. Nothing like trying to cage a monkey. But man, after a while, that glue on the tape will almost make your member look like a barbershop pole. So, I have learned to wrap him in toilet paper, then tape it down.
Think of what Pamela Anderson goes thru at night? The Ho of all Ho's and being single, well, probably having some poor frustrated bastard pay to play with that silly putty chest she is prancing around with. I wonder if she laid on a newspaper if the print would transfer? Hummmm, well, I now have a mission.
So, when I am out, on the prowl, I always look for the ice chompers, that is a sure tail sign of sexual frustration. Even if they are low on iron, they need some iron in their diet, heck ya I am packing some non rusty iron in my britches. A damn I beam that could be used on a skyscraper. Okay, enough about me, but don't be silly, wrap ole willy, and watch out if your chomping ICE around me.
Cats
You know, last I checked people who have cats are about 100% likely to put that hairy ball on their facebook. Which if you ask me, is just plain wrong. A can't don't play catch, chase the bogyman off, lick your face, sniff your crotch, or ride your leg. So, in my world, a cat is just plain wrong to call a pet. Not that I HATE cats, I just think they make awesome moving targets.
I mean, my favorite cat is a shaved one between two legs. The kind that you pet and you can hear a purr. OH WOW, now I'm going. Back on the farm, with a farmers daughter, there were alot of cats. Barn cats, house cats, cat houses, stray cats, and to cut it all down to simpler terms, we had barn sex, bedroom sex, whorehouses, Ho's. That is some defined taking words to mean other ones. Darn, I guess I am smarter than I think.
But, who the hell pays thousands of dollars for a damn cat? Especially the 4 legged kind that does nothing but shed hair, make you sneeze, and don't even offer a Kleenex? Not I said the non-cat owner with the redneck and pimple on his ass. But if cats were suppose to be here, then we wouldn't have dogs to help reduce the population. Maybe dogs were put here as mercenaries to the cat population. Makes me wonder, chicks like cats, and why is that? They were born with one, if you want to play with a cat, I am more than willing to give you my email to get a picture. Well, maybe not, heck ya. I'm a damn dog like that, ruff ruff, just don't get mad when I wanna ride your leg.
One thing good about cats I can say though is, in the heat of the moment, when you and your woman are going it, a cat will NEVER put its cold ass nose on your ass. Maybe I'm not a dog now, makes me wonder, okay I'm confused. If you test it out to see if your cat will do it, just don't be silly wrap ole willy.
I mean, my favorite cat is a shaved one between two legs. The kind that you pet and you can hear a purr. OH WOW, now I'm going. Back on the farm, with a farmers daughter, there were alot of cats. Barn cats, house cats, cat houses, stray cats, and to cut it all down to simpler terms, we had barn sex, bedroom sex, whorehouses, Ho's. That is some defined taking words to mean other ones. Darn, I guess I am smarter than I think.
But, who the hell pays thousands of dollars for a damn cat? Especially the 4 legged kind that does nothing but shed hair, make you sneeze, and don't even offer a Kleenex? Not I said the non-cat owner with the redneck and pimple on his ass. But if cats were suppose to be here, then we wouldn't have dogs to help reduce the population. Maybe dogs were put here as mercenaries to the cat population. Makes me wonder, chicks like cats, and why is that? They were born with one, if you want to play with a cat, I am more than willing to give you my email to get a picture. Well, maybe not, heck ya. I'm a damn dog like that, ruff ruff, just don't get mad when I wanna ride your leg.
One thing good about cats I can say though is, in the heat of the moment, when you and your woman are going it, a cat will NEVER put its cold ass nose on your ass. Maybe I'm not a dog now, makes me wonder, okay I'm confused. If you test it out to see if your cat will do it, just don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Nepotism
When one ask someone for a topic, why do they always pick the words that are WAY out of my vocabulary? Maybe it's just me, well, maybe it's just them trying to get on over on me. Ya, that's it. They are trying to make me seem dumber or redneckish more than I already am. But, by no means, will that stump me with the power of Webster's.
So, they call it an art to not have children, to stay single, but WAIT ONE DARN MINUTE. Single, and no children is not an art. Unless your reading Karma Sutra and then when you get to about page 52, you find you need a partner to finish the book. Alot like life, when you start out, you are a virgin, then become a self satisfying virgin, then your moisture seeking heat missile decides what it takes to have fun, and have some curtain climbers, diaper shitters, and someone that will never leave your side. KIDS. It's alot like a new car, you buy it, break it in, and then rod the piss out of it. But the difference between a car and sex is, you can't wear a good kitty out, but you can die trying.
So, to remain single, what's the point? Nobody to bitch at you, no making you sleep on the couch, no hiding the remote, and nobody to keep you warm. I guess if we were to practice Nepotism, then we would all wouldn't be here. The art of favoritism of a family member, must be a Catholic thing. Only the Catholic can go out, do whatever they want, go in and chat to the dude behind the curtain and walk out forgivin and do it all over again the same day. Talk about that, why are Catholics always on their knees? And to be single on your knees???? Even on Urban Dictionary that is just wrong. But who am I to judge, I don't have a degree.
But, in the mean time, if you are single, rich, and willing to add me to a will, my name is Gabe, and I would love to be Nepotized by you. I know I am a favorite to many, and feared by many, but who is counting? So, if you don't want to believe in Nepotism, then don't be silly wrap ole willy.
So, they call it an art to not have children, to stay single, but WAIT ONE DARN MINUTE. Single, and no children is not an art. Unless your reading Karma Sutra and then when you get to about page 52, you find you need a partner to finish the book. Alot like life, when you start out, you are a virgin, then become a self satisfying virgin, then your moisture seeking heat missile decides what it takes to have fun, and have some curtain climbers, diaper shitters, and someone that will never leave your side. KIDS. It's alot like a new car, you buy it, break it in, and then rod the piss out of it. But the difference between a car and sex is, you can't wear a good kitty out, but you can die trying.
So, to remain single, what's the point? Nobody to bitch at you, no making you sleep on the couch, no hiding the remote, and nobody to keep you warm. I guess if we were to practice Nepotism, then we would all wouldn't be here. The art of favoritism of a family member, must be a Catholic thing. Only the Catholic can go out, do whatever they want, go in and chat to the dude behind the curtain and walk out forgivin and do it all over again the same day. Talk about that, why are Catholics always on their knees? And to be single on your knees???? Even on Urban Dictionary that is just wrong. But who am I to judge, I don't have a degree.
But, in the mean time, if you are single, rich, and willing to add me to a will, my name is Gabe, and I would love to be Nepotized by you. I know I am a favorite to many, and feared by many, but who is counting? So, if you don't want to believe in Nepotism, then don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Friday, April 13, 2012
NBA Rant
So, Wade, your swollen up pocket book is getting greedy? Obviously you missed church on Easter, or maybe just church in general. Greed is not good. So don't even bring up God, or anything when you mumble out your basketball talking chops. From now on, instead of being Wade, I'm going to refer to you as porkchop.
Porkchop, beings the President Obama forbiden meat, to have someone say they are American and then be asked to promote our country, stand up as a citizen, play the gift they enjoy, and then ask for money to do what thousands of REAL ATHLETES have done for centuries without being paid? Come on man, show some class, not just your ass.
Maybe we should start paying our bobsled team, they have hearts, they win gold, they don't ask for nothing, and still know the stars are on the left top on the flag. To know I served 4 1/2 years to protect my country with dingleberries like you, I'm ashamed, and NO TV in my house will ever stop on a NBA game. Thanks for putting that stupid sport on the block list. I have seen dudes down at the hood that would love to smoke that ass for NOTHING, not even a Gatorade.
Show some class, you chose to be a professional athlete, now either play for your country or get the hell off the court so a REAL CITIZEN can play. Don't see the hockey players crying? Maybe it's because they are playing a mans sport, a contact sport. Like to see your lanky butt on skates. Okay, well, if you want to be like your idol Kobe, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Porkchop, beings the President Obama forbiden meat, to have someone say they are American and then be asked to promote our country, stand up as a citizen, play the gift they enjoy, and then ask for money to do what thousands of REAL ATHLETES have done for centuries without being paid? Come on man, show some class, not just your ass.
Maybe we should start paying our bobsled team, they have hearts, they win gold, they don't ask for nothing, and still know the stars are on the left top on the flag. To know I served 4 1/2 years to protect my country with dingleberries like you, I'm ashamed, and NO TV in my house will ever stop on a NBA game. Thanks for putting that stupid sport on the block list. I have seen dudes down at the hood that would love to smoke that ass for NOTHING, not even a Gatorade.
Show some class, you chose to be a professional athlete, now either play for your country or get the hell off the court so a REAL CITIZEN can play. Don't see the hockey players crying? Maybe it's because they are playing a mans sport, a contact sport. Like to see your lanky butt on skates. Okay, well, if you want to be like your idol Kobe, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Whoop la
Well, being a simple mind, in a simple world, where my visions are kind of like sneaking up from behind and watching what happens. If that makes no sense to you, then here. When I do to the egg section of the grocery store, it fasinates me that they can get them chickens to lay so close to drop them eggs in those cardboard egg holder deals. Imagine how the hands feel from the guy that has to cut off all the stems on the frozen strawberries, I bet they are cold. Who designed the can bisquit to POP after you beat it? That thing is awesome, nothing like taking off the paper and tossing it into bed at your, person of the evening, to see their impression when it blows up.
Some say I am just plan ole sick. But really, I ain't, my views, vision, tunnel vision or whatever you call it, I like to just live each day likes its my last. So, in doing that, I like to call up insurance companies and tell them I need to get a secondary policy on my pecker. Explaining I'm a porn star and if my junk jangles, I'm done. That darn Jeff Gordon got one on his legs, so surely you have something like that for my pecker. The insurance people will look into it and call you back. Ya, call back, of all of them, only 4 did. But man was that not the funniest damn thing I ever done. Try it.
Don't do what I did when you are calling around. I guess everyone has that caller id on their phones now. And why do people call me saying they are cops from a restricted number, and telling me to stop calling this number. I always answer with, I don't call myself you dork, get a job and stop calling me. Well, it looks like they finally traced it down to an address, so off I go, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Some say I am just plan ole sick. But really, I ain't, my views, vision, tunnel vision or whatever you call it, I like to just live each day likes its my last. So, in doing that, I like to call up insurance companies and tell them I need to get a secondary policy on my pecker. Explaining I'm a porn star and if my junk jangles, I'm done. That darn Jeff Gordon got one on his legs, so surely you have something like that for my pecker. The insurance people will look into it and call you back. Ya, call back, of all of them, only 4 did. But man was that not the funniest damn thing I ever done. Try it.
Don't do what I did when you are calling around. I guess everyone has that caller id on their phones now. And why do people call me saying they are cops from a restricted number, and telling me to stop calling this number. I always answer with, I don't call myself you dork, get a job and stop calling me. Well, it looks like they finally traced it down to an address, so off I go, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Easter at Home
Ah, the night before ole Easter, screaming kids, fighting brothers, druken uncle, and the joys of candy. For some reason, now my chetlins are thinking candy is in EVERY EGG. So not fair to me, nor the dog. I mean the damn dog can only lap up so much yolk in a day, before she has the scrambled shits. The time of year we bitch about the price of eggs, but spend money on plastic ones. Now what a concept. I have no idear where this bunny came up, but here's how I handle this.
The day before Easter, I round up the chetlings, load em up in the car and head out. What I have done, is now refered to as "the American Economy Way", the hunt begins. I drive down every street where is an opportunity for find rabbits. Then, the anti Easter autopilot kicks in, and who knew a SOUL could do such great steering off road. Well, on grass. I find that first rabbit and kapow, run that sucker over when the kids are watching. Then I flip the car back out on the street, take out the chetlings, and pose for the annual Redneck Me Easter photo.
My kids now understand, the bunny is dead so Easter has been cancelled. It is so great that Easter is on a Sunday, cause the next day we all go to church, the kids, talk about running over the rabbit and not getting any candy this year. And I am playing the whole lost my job can't afford to get anything but gas for my car, but I will take some donations. Then, after church, we take off, a headed home with money in my pocket. Not everyone can get paid to go to church other than a preacher. So, now, thanks for paying the electric, and I need to get to bed, I have to work in the morning. Don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
The day before Easter, I round up the chetlings, load em up in the car and head out. What I have done, is now refered to as "the American Economy Way", the hunt begins. I drive down every street where is an opportunity for find rabbits. Then, the anti Easter autopilot kicks in, and who knew a SOUL could do such great steering off road. Well, on grass. I find that first rabbit and kapow, run that sucker over when the kids are watching. Then I flip the car back out on the street, take out the chetlings, and pose for the annual Redneck Me Easter photo.
My kids now understand, the bunny is dead so Easter has been cancelled. It is so great that Easter is on a Sunday, cause the next day we all go to church, the kids, talk about running over the rabbit and not getting any candy this year. And I am playing the whole lost my job can't afford to get anything but gas for my car, but I will take some donations. Then, after church, we take off, a headed home with money in my pocket. Not everyone can get paid to go to church other than a preacher. So, now, thanks for paying the electric, and I need to get to bed, I have to work in the morning. Don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
April Fools
There is nothing worse in my book when an April Fools joke goes onto you. And who was the idiot that decided to change your relationship status on that day should be kicked in the wiener. I started getting all worked up, thinking about all that fresh meat hitting the market and then WHAMO, ha ha, April Folking Fools.
That has to be the dumbest thing since mixing peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. I mean, tell me your dog got ran over, or your cat got caught in the engine fan of the car, but really? Getting my hopes up to be shot down was not what I thought was funny. But, on the other hand, I did read a really cool baby announcement on Facebook. It said, Reservations for the Richardson's in November,,,,,,,,,party of 6. That was freaking classic, I wonder how many people would actually have to stop and think for a second, then later on it would have said, 6, hole crap stains in gym shorts, they ain't even Catholic. Crazy eh?
And Zuckerman, we all know we bitch about the timeline stuff, but here, on the Facebook craze, like you care, you screwed your two buddies out of their profits when they helped ya, our bad for thinking you were listening.
But,,,personally,,,,,I would like to have a button where I can pick where I want to poke the person I am poking. We have every other game on there, get on it buddy folker. Just put a box that says where and let me type it in. But don't get the list from Words With Friends, cause they don't my kind of words are actually words. I can save those for you another day. So, in the meantime, while your are just sitting there burning up your thumbs on the sailboat with Justin Beiber counting your money, have your dudes get on that. But, in the mean time, when Beiber says it's time, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
That has to be the dumbest thing since mixing peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. I mean, tell me your dog got ran over, or your cat got caught in the engine fan of the car, but really? Getting my hopes up to be shot down was not what I thought was funny. But, on the other hand, I did read a really cool baby announcement on Facebook. It said, Reservations for the Richardson's in November,,,,,,,,,party of 6. That was freaking classic, I wonder how many people would actually have to stop and think for a second, then later on it would have said, 6, hole crap stains in gym shorts, they ain't even Catholic. Crazy eh?
And Zuckerman, we all know we bitch about the timeline stuff, but here, on the Facebook craze, like you care, you screwed your two buddies out of their profits when they helped ya, our bad for thinking you were listening.
But,,,personally,,,,,I would like to have a button where I can pick where I want to poke the person I am poking. We have every other game on there, get on it buddy folker. Just put a box that says where and let me type it in. But don't get the list from Words With Friends, cause they don't my kind of words are actually words. I can save those for you another day. So, in the meantime, while your are just sitting there burning up your thumbs on the sailboat with Justin Beiber counting your money, have your dudes get on that. But, in the mean time, when Beiber says it's time, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Great Day
So, today was one of them normal days for me. It all started when I stopped by the coffee joint this morning. Of course, when I'm in a damn hurry, they are slow, and backed up like a bunch of nano nano's waiting for a new Star Wars movie. So, I make it to the workplace where I put in my time, and time, and time, then decided that I needed some goods from Wally.
So, off I went, like a prom dress, to Wally. When I went in, for christ sakes, the damn blower blew the cap right off my head like a non-ductaped tupay. Then, it dawned on me, all these screwballs trying to be sexy wearing them sugar daddy, elmo, and plaid pajama pants have now turned into chess pieces. GAME ON!!! Knowing they don't tie tight, cause I wear them, ONLY at HOME. I decided to see what was under them pants. I learned by colors, brown, brown and white, brown red and white, blue and white, but oddly nobody was patriotic today, no red white and blue. Of course that would be the ticket to, aunt flo starting, when just got some that morning, wearing her blue bonnett. But, it's not like they can catch me cause their pants are around their ankles. But, man is pink really pink. Thank god for that label, that was a marketing genius.
Then, I decided to split, and go down south to the other Wally store. YEP, we be lucky enough to have 2 people laughing venture centers in town. In that store, I decided that today was a good day to test some leg action. I just ran up to random hotties and grabbed their legs and put my ear up to them. I had no idea you could hear people talk perfectly thru their leg. I was totally amazed. Then I stood up, and said sorry ma'am, my kids just said if I put my ear up to a shell I could hear the ocean, but I'm sorry, your ocean must have dried up. Not to bad, I only got slapped once, but I got 2 phone numbers. See dudes, the ole potato in the pants trick does work.
Then, after sitting here tonight, I decided to meet my neighbors. And out I ran out my door, knocking on all their doors jumping around like a kid on hot coals, yelling, "there's a snake in my boot".
So, off I went, like a prom dress, to Wally. When I went in, for christ sakes, the damn blower blew the cap right off my head like a non-ductaped tupay. Then, it dawned on me, all these screwballs trying to be sexy wearing them sugar daddy, elmo, and plaid pajama pants have now turned into chess pieces. GAME ON!!! Knowing they don't tie tight, cause I wear them, ONLY at HOME. I decided to see what was under them pants. I learned by colors, brown, brown and white, brown red and white, blue and white, but oddly nobody was patriotic today, no red white and blue. Of course that would be the ticket to, aunt flo starting, when just got some that morning, wearing her blue bonnett. But, it's not like they can catch me cause their pants are around their ankles. But, man is pink really pink. Thank god for that label, that was a marketing genius.
Then, I decided to split, and go down south to the other Wally store. YEP, we be lucky enough to have 2 people laughing venture centers in town. In that store, I decided that today was a good day to test some leg action. I just ran up to random hotties and grabbed their legs and put my ear up to them. I had no idea you could hear people talk perfectly thru their leg. I was totally amazed. Then I stood up, and said sorry ma'am, my kids just said if I put my ear up to a shell I could hear the ocean, but I'm sorry, your ocean must have dried up. Not to bad, I only got slapped once, but I got 2 phone numbers. See dudes, the ole potato in the pants trick does work.
Then, after sitting here tonight, I decided to meet my neighbors. And out I ran out my door, knocking on all their doors jumping around like a kid on hot coals, yelling, "there's a snake in my boot".
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