Mr. Suh,
I am just so sorry that you thought you were pushed and had to step on another players arm. I must of missed that buffalo, the only animal that could move you, in the TV screen. I actually didn't even see anyone around that had the balls to push you. And I am sorry they were talking about bad things you didn't like on the O line, but eating grass is one thing, you really didn't have to keep trying to get the camel to drink more water.
I know you understand that millions of kids are watching you and today was the international step on your friend and say you were pushed day. We named it after you, why because you are the real deal.
But to come from a school that the world watches and being a great player from that Husker Nation, you really didn't earn any KUDOS stating that you were pushed. So, I thought maybe I could help you out tomorrow with some ideas on what to tell the public and the commissioner.
I am really sorry I was bashing his head in the ground, but I forgot my terrets medication before the game.
I really didn't mean to step on his arm, I wanted his damn chin so he would stop talking smack.
I am a man that respects my mother and anyone going to talk smack about my mom will go down. That is my button, don't push it.
I would like to express to the Packers that I am sorry I singled out player than the whole team in which I know I could take out.
I am the greatest Defensive lineman that the NFL has right now, that punk saying I wasn't going to the pro bowl again pissed me off.
I am sorry fans, I had a bad case of the craps from stopping at taco bell before the game, and really needed to take a day off.
But all in all SUH, just a damn SORRY after the game, instead of saying you were hit and pushed by a damn alien would have sealed the deal for us people. And please stop playing dirty, we in Nebraska get dirty, but from preg checking cattle man.
Stay tough, stay strong and build your respect back up.
Sincerely,
Husker "SUH" Fan
Monday, November 28, 2011
NBA
The most depressing news in the world is the that the stupid NBA will resume on Christmas. I hope that don't piss Santa off so bad he skips out. What the hell, like I've been good?
To have 8 channels of hockey right now, a REAL contact sport and 10 of football is awesome. Who really gives a crap about some tall lanky crybabies who buy their wives pick diamonds when they screw up and then whine they don't make enough money? What happen to the days when the same ball fondlers would play and get an education at the same time, get a new car and hide it from the NCAA? That's a bunch of crap we are going to spoil some real sports. The same thing with baseball, them swingers were all pissed off they werent going to make enough money.
Well, first off, play better so you can get traded to the Yankees and make money, second off, step up, be real men and get a damn second job. I work, I don't play no sport and you don't find me on TV bitching cause I only made $5 million dollars last year for sitting on a bench cause I suck and can't play well with others.
If your going to swing a stick and dribble balls, reach down and find your balls, and MAN THE HELL UP!!! I am still voting for NO CRYBABIES ON TV!!!!
To have 8 channels of hockey right now, a REAL contact sport and 10 of football is awesome. Who really gives a crap about some tall lanky crybabies who buy their wives pick diamonds when they screw up and then whine they don't make enough money? What happen to the days when the same ball fondlers would play and get an education at the same time, get a new car and hide it from the NCAA? That's a bunch of crap we are going to spoil some real sports. The same thing with baseball, them swingers were all pissed off they werent going to make enough money.
Well, first off, play better so you can get traded to the Yankees and make money, second off, step up, be real men and get a damn second job. I work, I don't play no sport and you don't find me on TV bitching cause I only made $5 million dollars last year for sitting on a bench cause I suck and can't play well with others.
If your going to swing a stick and dribble balls, reach down and find your balls, and MAN THE HELL UP!!! I am still voting for NO CRYBABIES ON TV!!!!
Farts
So the question is, is a fart actually considered an ass burp? Who ever came up with the word fart? It just sounds dirty with 4 letter and starts with a F. But on the other hand, who wants someone to ask, Did you just burp out your ass? burps and farts can both stink, if you push to hard you can get some liquid behind each of them.
But, the actually idea came to mind from being so cold outside, that you could see your breath, and being a man, I wanted to know if I let a good burp would it steam. And yes it did. So, I pushed harder and ripped an ass burp, that also had the same effect of the oral burp.
But, on the other hand, to make the chair fart out of a burp would look like a pervert who is sniffing the chair behind a blonde beauty with a g-string that just got out of the chair. And what if the person that was there before sharted on the chair and then you wanted to make a chair burp. That is way to much energy expelled for a guy like me, I don't care who thinks I'm sniffing some hot chicks ass or not. It is easy to get down, but man, that picking myself up is getting harder and harder.
So, when in the presents of someone that already thinks your as crazy a tongue chewer in a candy store, test it out and let me know what kind of ass mouth sounds you can make that sound alike. And I really don't care about the smell, its all the music to my ears that matters.
But, the actually idea came to mind from being so cold outside, that you could see your breath, and being a man, I wanted to know if I let a good burp would it steam. And yes it did. So, I pushed harder and ripped an ass burp, that also had the same effect of the oral burp.
But, on the other hand, to make the chair fart out of a burp would look like a pervert who is sniffing the chair behind a blonde beauty with a g-string that just got out of the chair. And what if the person that was there before sharted on the chair and then you wanted to make a chair burp. That is way to much energy expelled for a guy like me, I don't care who thinks I'm sniffing some hot chicks ass or not. It is easy to get down, but man, that picking myself up is getting harder and harder.
So, when in the presents of someone that already thinks your as crazy a tongue chewer in a candy store, test it out and let me know what kind of ass mouth sounds you can make that sound alike. And I really don't care about the smell, its all the music to my ears that matters.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
black friday
What a crock of refried beans and spaghetti corporate America was to have such a holiday. The time of the year they prove how greedy they are 11 months out of the year by showing us how low they can sell the crap we buy. So, really? A TV at $188 when the next day its $299.
But we are the ones being like a kid in a candy store, camping out, waiting, having the shakes to read the ads and "priming" ourselves to act like cattle getting loaded into a trailer. But, we blow the money we don't have from the jobs the government made cut us, to show them we like deals.
Heck, its the one time of year you can finally act like a thug and take things out of other peoples cart, hip check people out of the way, and the occasional elbow to the ribs to get this corporate candy before someone does the same. I love it!!!! Finally a day I can treat everyone in my way like an ex!!! Life is great!!!
So until the greatest bash your ass holiday of the year, we wait, dreaming of more cool stuff to buy at a great price, and talking about how we whipped ass and got you cheap Christmas presents. If we were smart, we would celebrate Christmas after Christmas when you can buy more Christmas stuff for less money. Loving Black Fridays!!!!!
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Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Skype
So, I got this deally bob app picture click a roosky on my phone named skype. So, I figured, what the hell is this. So, being a curious redneck with no technology at my fingertips to know what something is, I tapped it. I set it all up, and then I went into this fantasy world better than Mr. Rogers ever had to offer with them finger puppets.
I am sitting there, just skyping away and talking, and talking. For some reason the person on the other end was just laughing, and laughing, and then more people came into the room. I am thinking, WOW, what a way to make impression as being an impressionist on SKYPE. Sweetness. After there was about 20 people in the room laughing and pointing. It dawned on me.
Some idiot who invented these phone apps needed to think before he does such a thing. That goober put the damn video camera on the opposite side of the screen, so in order for me to watch the people, the camera was facing the other direction. What the hell is the purpose of that? My damn laptop has the camera right on the screen, where its suspose to be. NOT on the back side showing everyone that I had just got out of the shower and haven't gotten dressed. App erased, well played SKYPE GEEKS!!! Another reason, redneck and smartphone is not a mix.
I am sitting there, just skyping away and talking, and talking. For some reason the person on the other end was just laughing, and laughing, and then more people came into the room. I am thinking, WOW, what a way to make impression as being an impressionist on SKYPE. Sweetness. After there was about 20 people in the room laughing and pointing. It dawned on me.
Some idiot who invented these phone apps needed to think before he does such a thing. That goober put the damn video camera on the opposite side of the screen, so in order for me to watch the people, the camera was facing the other direction. What the hell is the purpose of that? My damn laptop has the camera right on the screen, where its suspose to be. NOT on the back side showing everyone that I had just got out of the shower and haven't gotten dressed. App erased, well played SKYPE GEEKS!!! Another reason, redneck and smartphone is not a mix.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Why
Out of 10 fingers to hit why does it always have to be a pinky finger? That is the question of the day, why would the smallest finger be on the outside just waiting to get smashed? Its like a midgit standing out in the middle of the highway saying HIT ME, and then kapow, you got them faster than a bulls butt puckering being the next one in line for the castration.
If it was me, I would have reversed the damn order, or just took all the pain receptors out and dispersed them to other fingers so when it did get hit it didn't hurt so bad. But that's me.
And why the hell is every dog such a badass until the vacuum comes out of the closet? My god dog, stop trying to be so bad and get a grip dude, if you didn't get hair everywhere, we wouldn't need to get it out to chase you so often. Nothing beats getting out the hose and sucking the dog, just to watch him freak. It is a better laugh than putting scotch tape on the paws of a cat.
But, gotta go now, the dog is barking and the vac is coming out to show him who the boss is!!!
If it was me, I would have reversed the damn order, or just took all the pain receptors out and dispersed them to other fingers so when it did get hit it didn't hurt so bad. But that's me.
And why the hell is every dog such a badass until the vacuum comes out of the closet? My god dog, stop trying to be so bad and get a grip dude, if you didn't get hair everywhere, we wouldn't need to get it out to chase you so often. Nothing beats getting out the hose and sucking the dog, just to watch him freak. It is a better laugh than putting scotch tape on the paws of a cat.
But, gotta go now, the dog is barking and the vac is coming out to show him who the boss is!!!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Yoga
What is the deal with all this Yoga Hype? I decided to check it out myself. I went down and holy moley, talk about them sex books that teach ya moves, carma sumthin, kapow, this is live!!! I sat in the back, and I don't really think I bended right, but man what a sight. I know my neck sure got a good workout.
They had everyone stand up, bend over and touch their toes, and I added SPELL RUN outloud, I don't know what that lady upfront's problem was, but she told me shut up. Holy smokes, this is great I was thinking. Then we had to stand up, and bend backwards, I couldn't do it. So, I had to stand there just look at boobies, have I ever said how much I love boobies? Then, that lady upfront got on me again, sir, you need to bend backwards arch your back, I said, I can't, first off there is a room full of boobies I'm watching and second off, if I bend back now someone is going to get poked in the eye.
That witch came back, rolled up my mat, and sent me out the door. WTF, I know poked in the eye didn't scare them, must of been cause I'm straight. Couldn't see a gay guy getting kicked out of yoga class. That was BS, so now I'm going to Zumba classes to check it out, piss on them.
They had everyone stand up, bend over and touch their toes, and I added SPELL RUN outloud, I don't know what that lady upfront's problem was, but she told me shut up. Holy smokes, this is great I was thinking. Then we had to stand up, and bend backwards, I couldn't do it. So, I had to stand there just look at boobies, have I ever said how much I love boobies? Then, that lady upfront got on me again, sir, you need to bend backwards arch your back, I said, I can't, first off there is a room full of boobies I'm watching and second off, if I bend back now someone is going to get poked in the eye.
That witch came back, rolled up my mat, and sent me out the door. WTF, I know poked in the eye didn't scare them, must of been cause I'm straight. Couldn't see a gay guy getting kicked out of yoga class. That was BS, so now I'm going to Zumba classes to check it out, piss on them.
Helping Hand
I have a HUGE heart for the handicap. This one time, a girl in a wheelchair asked me out on a date, so I said sure. I went and picked her up, and put her wheelchair in my truck and off to the movie we went.
During the movie, she put her hand on my leg, and I couldn't return the favor, cuz she didn't have any. So, I just put mine on her shoulder. She started moving up, and up. Then OMG, came to mind a couple times. So after the movie we went out and she took me down this old dirt road to a dead end. She said, I want you, I thought, OH GOD, I can't do this. So, outloud came a okay. I said HOW? So she directed to me take off my belt and loop it around a branch and come back and get her. I can't do this, I just can't.
So, I went back and carried her out to the belt, and yep, it all happen, she was hanging and so was I. We got done, and then it dawned on me why she had such big arms.
So, I loaded her up and took her back home. Her father greeted up at the end of the walk, which sucked. I had to tell him, so I said, Mr. White, I did your daughter, but she made me. He replied, "that's okay, I'm glad you brought her home, that last dipshit left her out hanging in the tree and I had to go get her."
During the movie, she put her hand on my leg, and I couldn't return the favor, cuz she didn't have any. So, I just put mine on her shoulder. She started moving up, and up. Then OMG, came to mind a couple times. So after the movie we went out and she took me down this old dirt road to a dead end. She said, I want you, I thought, OH GOD, I can't do this. So, outloud came a okay. I said HOW? So she directed to me take off my belt and loop it around a branch and come back and get her. I can't do this, I just can't.
So, I went back and carried her out to the belt, and yep, it all happen, she was hanging and so was I. We got done, and then it dawned on me why she had such big arms.
So, I loaded her up and took her back home. Her father greeted up at the end of the walk, which sucked. I had to tell him, so I said, Mr. White, I did your daughter, but she made me. He replied, "that's okay, I'm glad you brought her home, that last dipshit left her out hanging in the tree and I had to go get her."
Best Things
Its the little things in life that just make me laugh my ass off like a drunk Santa. Okay, my belly jiggles. So I was just Facebook Whoring away and all of a sudden my damn computer starting ringing. Like a damn phone, I thought Facebook updated something retarded like they did the last time. And it rang, and rang, cuz I'm slow like that.
So I noticed this pop up balloon deally bob, that said answer, so WTF, I did, my brother started talking. Talk about freaked out, I thougt the damn Russians were coming for my commie hating ass. So, I talked back, and he heard me. TOTALLY AWESOME!!!
Then he asked where my video is, so, I was digging up a porn to email, and then he explained himself better, cuz he is my family member and knows better. Plus, Candycane was right there. After googling that shit, I found a download for it. TOTALLY COOL. I have free Skype, or maybe Skype is free, I don't know.
Then Candycane, my sister in law, educated me on how to get it on my phone. This technology shit is cooler than an igloo in March with 2 nano nano's pissing outside. (Don't ask). So after about 10 minutes, I am one cool ass redneck with google talk and video at my hands. OH THIS COULD BE BAD. Looks like I need to start opening some porn gmail accounts!!!!
But I am so proud of myself I gave myself a bowl of ice cream, then took the the cocoa puffs and dumped them out and replaced them with some Iams tiny bites. The kids wont ever know, and I bet they don't ask for cocoa puffs anymore either. Never a dull momeny living with a redneck, never dull.
So I noticed this pop up balloon deally bob, that said answer, so WTF, I did, my brother started talking. Talk about freaked out, I thougt the damn Russians were coming for my commie hating ass. So, I talked back, and he heard me. TOTALLY AWESOME!!!
Then he asked where my video is, so, I was digging up a porn to email, and then he explained himself better, cuz he is my family member and knows better. Plus, Candycane was right there. After googling that shit, I found a download for it. TOTALLY COOL. I have free Skype, or maybe Skype is free, I don't know.
Then Candycane, my sister in law, educated me on how to get it on my phone. This technology shit is cooler than an igloo in March with 2 nano nano's pissing outside. (Don't ask). So after about 10 minutes, I am one cool ass redneck with google talk and video at my hands. OH THIS COULD BE BAD. Looks like I need to start opening some porn gmail accounts!!!!
But I am so proud of myself I gave myself a bowl of ice cream, then took the the cocoa puffs and dumped them out and replaced them with some Iams tiny bites. The kids wont ever know, and I bet they don't ask for cocoa puffs anymore either. Never a dull momeny living with a redneck, never dull.
From Kansas
You know your in Kansas when you roll down the highway and all the corn has been replaced by sunflowers. Kansas is a great state, Oklahoma sucks and keeps Texas from falling into Mexico so Kansas is here to stay.
When I went to the grocery store, there was this little gal there with one of them shinny bugers in her nose, they call them noserings down younder, but to me it's a glitter buger. So, I said, hey you go some fairy fart on the side of your nose, and in that Kansas grin she called me a rotten name. Magine that. But only in Kansas can you travel an hour from the middle of the state to the east and be behind a shitting car, or what they call Amish transporter.
Them Amish, ole Caleb, his folks can make some kick butt bread, down at the bakery in Yoder, but the place I like to hang is Great Bend, cuz Yoder don't have a bowling alley. Wonder if Amish can really bowl like King Pen? Where the white are white and the Mexicans run scared. They gots a free zoo down there, and to take a little 5 foot 4 inch person in there, I love to watch them tigers and bears, oh my, lick their chops thinking "snack".
But only in Kansas can you meet a stranger and walk away with a new friend. Stop and spit seeds with a farmer and he tell you lots of good jokes. Catch family mooning other family members on the front porch during Turkey Day celebrations, and meet the coolest people drinking ice in a blizzard in their boxers. Now if they would decide to get a football team at either college, they might really earn a place on my list. To just stop and wonder how the hell I was born in a round hospital confuses me. Specially when they tell you the bathroom is around the corner. But you know your a Kansasan when you have a black and purple wrist tattoo so you see your colors flying at the speed of your hand.
Rock Chalk
When I went to the grocery store, there was this little gal there with one of them shinny bugers in her nose, they call them noserings down younder, but to me it's a glitter buger. So, I said, hey you go some fairy fart on the side of your nose, and in that Kansas grin she called me a rotten name. Magine that. But only in Kansas can you travel an hour from the middle of the state to the east and be behind a shitting car, or what they call Amish transporter.
Them Amish, ole Caleb, his folks can make some kick butt bread, down at the bakery in Yoder, but the place I like to hang is Great Bend, cuz Yoder don't have a bowling alley. Wonder if Amish can really bowl like King Pen? Where the white are white and the Mexicans run scared. They gots a free zoo down there, and to take a little 5 foot 4 inch person in there, I love to watch them tigers and bears, oh my, lick their chops thinking "snack".
But only in Kansas can you meet a stranger and walk away with a new friend. Stop and spit seeds with a farmer and he tell you lots of good jokes. Catch family mooning other family members on the front porch during Turkey Day celebrations, and meet the coolest people drinking ice in a blizzard in their boxers. Now if they would decide to get a football team at either college, they might really earn a place on my list. To just stop and wonder how the hell I was born in a round hospital confuses me. Specially when they tell you the bathroom is around the corner. But you know your a Kansasan when you have a black and purple wrist tattoo so you see your colors flying at the speed of your hand.
Rock Chalk
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Thanks
All these people think it is so neat to post what they are thankful for. So I thought, in my eyes, I would let all you know what I am thankful for in my redneck world.
Thanks to God for making my arms long enough to touch myself. Could you image how pissed off the dinosaur is who has them short arms?
Thanks to the man who decided to play with cow tits and figure out you could drink that stuff. I know I couldn't be the one to test that out. And the kid who played with a goat to get the same thing.
The man who invented KY, he was a God, but wish it came in different flavors, grandma says its pretty bland when that jelly is on toast.
The blow up doll, that is the greatest woman ever, she is always there when you need her, she don't bitch, she don't talk back, and she always has that OH face.
Hike and bike trails, I get to stand by the window and watch people slowly get skinnier.
Thanks for the inventer of Duct Tape, I am a real handyman with your help. Thanks buddy, I'm stuck on you.
And lastly, the man who decided to hang animal heads in the livingroom. You are the Picasso in my eyes, what great art.
But, the man that decided to eat pig and cow balls, what were you thinking? Talk about gay.
Thanks to God for making my arms long enough to touch myself. Could you image how pissed off the dinosaur is who has them short arms?
Thanks to the man who decided to play with cow tits and figure out you could drink that stuff. I know I couldn't be the one to test that out. And the kid who played with a goat to get the same thing.
The man who invented KY, he was a God, but wish it came in different flavors, grandma says its pretty bland when that jelly is on toast.
The blow up doll, that is the greatest woman ever, she is always there when you need her, she don't bitch, she don't talk back, and she always has that OH face.
Hike and bike trails, I get to stand by the window and watch people slowly get skinnier.
Thanks for the inventer of Duct Tape, I am a real handyman with your help. Thanks buddy, I'm stuck on you.
And lastly, the man who decided to hang animal heads in the livingroom. You are the Picasso in my eyes, what great art.
But, the man that decided to eat pig and cow balls, what were you thinking? Talk about gay.
Teenagers
If you ever want to know something about how something is, just ask a teenager. They know it all. Some things you can't do to a teenager is, wake them up early, ask them to do chores, and trust them to tell you what they are doing.
In todays world, if you want to keep your teen at home and a virgin just but a PS3. Heck, mine is great, I always know where he is, and the 6 hours he is awake, he is playing his game. He knows best, just ask him. His social life is talking to his gamer buddies, but how is that bad, his dad just chats with people online.
Guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree. But, I love gamers my age, while they are playing online, I am having fun with their girl. And MW3, what the heck? I thought it was Monday Margaritas for $3, guess I need to get with the times here.
Well, time to wake the stinky kid and get some lunch. Plus the PS3 controller is whinning it wants held.
In todays world, if you want to keep your teen at home and a virgin just but a PS3. Heck, mine is great, I always know where he is, and the 6 hours he is awake, he is playing his game. He knows best, just ask him. His social life is talking to his gamer buddies, but how is that bad, his dad just chats with people online.
Guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree. But, I love gamers my age, while they are playing online, I am having fun with their girl. And MW3, what the heck? I thought it was Monday Margaritas for $3, guess I need to get with the times here.
Well, time to wake the stinky kid and get some lunch. Plus the PS3 controller is whinning it wants held.
Misleading
There is nothing worse than a misleading car. Like, yesterday, there was an old caddy with rims and lowprofile rubbers on them, tented windows, and I told my boys hey look at that car, bet you it is one of my hispanic friends. NOPE, it was a white chick, go figure. No car seat so she wasn't even with a hispanic.
Then at the mall, I had this white kid, talking and dressing like he was black. So, I said, hey, nice hat can I see that thing? The gangster hat with the flat bill worn sideways. He handed it to me,and rolly rolly rolly, but a farmbill shade on that sucker. Take that wanna be. Sorry DOG!!!!
But I do know one thing for sure, if people would stop trying to be something they aren't there would be no Hollywood, or Drama. So keep it up home slices, I'm real, I'm me, and I graduated high school. But some words of advise I have, don't be a shingle, you'll get nailed by a mexican, and once you go black, you go single mother. There is nothing misleading about them facts. A true redneck knows best.
Then at the mall, I had this white kid, talking and dressing like he was black. So, I said, hey, nice hat can I see that thing? The gangster hat with the flat bill worn sideways. He handed it to me,and rolly rolly rolly, but a farmbill shade on that sucker. Take that wanna be. Sorry DOG!!!!
But I do know one thing for sure, if people would stop trying to be something they aren't there would be no Hollywood, or Drama. So keep it up home slices, I'm real, I'm me, and I graduated high school. But some words of advise I have, don't be a shingle, you'll get nailed by a mexican, and once you go black, you go single mother. There is nothing misleading about them facts. A true redneck knows best.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Thanksgiving Prayer
Dear Old Man Upstairs,
I pray for this turkey that he had a good ride to the meat plant, and he didn't loose many feathers. I pray that the guy that handled him didn't pick his nose before playing with this bird. I also want to thank you for making their butts big enough for my hand to fit in, or I don't know how we would remove them gimlets.
I pray that some dog we don't know didn't take a pee on this cranberry bush which our cranberries were picked off of. And that some little Chinese kid didn't work past the child labor laws to harvest them for us.
I want to thank you for running water, if it wasn't for running water all these guest would smell like a spoiled bird. Thank you for giving man the idea of the fork and the Indians the idea of a knife, that's about it sir, this shit smells to good to keep going on.
Amen.
I pray for this turkey that he had a good ride to the meat plant, and he didn't loose many feathers. I pray that the guy that handled him didn't pick his nose before playing with this bird. I also want to thank you for making their butts big enough for my hand to fit in, or I don't know how we would remove them gimlets.
I pray that some dog we don't know didn't take a pee on this cranberry bush which our cranberries were picked off of. And that some little Chinese kid didn't work past the child labor laws to harvest them for us.
I want to thank you for running water, if it wasn't for running water all these guest would smell like a spoiled bird. Thank you for giving man the idea of the fork and the Indians the idea of a knife, that's about it sir, this shit smells to good to keep going on.
Amen.
The Greatest Move
One night, while listening to my THONG SONG, I got to dancing, flipping on and off the lights, and doing some fancy WWE moves. I had this thought of pretending to be superman, and it did not end well at all.
From hitting the lights, being spot blinded, stubbing my toe on the bedside table, causing me to jump up and down, and then hitting myself in the head with the ceiling fan, which inturn caused me to go off kelter and jump sideways right onto the bedpost groin first.
Talk about laid out. I learned that night that just common items in the room can cause more havic on ones body than a damn mower with an ex wife behind the wheel. So, my idea of fixing this situation, was throw out the thong after I got all my butthair unwound off it. I replaced my light with the clapper, took my kids swimming noodle and cut slits in the thing to wrap my fan blades and then duct taped nerf footballs on the bedpost. I am a genuine fix it man.
As for the end table, I no longer have it, I have a dresser so that gives me more room to play around. I'm all healed up now thanks to frozen peas, popsicle sticks, and scotch tape. I am as good as new, and thankfully that night, I didn't even hurt my camcorder.
From hitting the lights, being spot blinded, stubbing my toe on the bedside table, causing me to jump up and down, and then hitting myself in the head with the ceiling fan, which inturn caused me to go off kelter and jump sideways right onto the bedpost groin first.
Talk about laid out. I learned that night that just common items in the room can cause more havic on ones body than a damn mower with an ex wife behind the wheel. So, my idea of fixing this situation, was throw out the thong after I got all my butthair unwound off it. I replaced my light with the clapper, took my kids swimming noodle and cut slits in the thing to wrap my fan blades and then duct taped nerf footballs on the bedpost. I am a genuine fix it man.
As for the end table, I no longer have it, I have a dresser so that gives me more room to play around. I'm all healed up now thanks to frozen peas, popsicle sticks, and scotch tape. I am as good as new, and thankfully that night, I didn't even hurt my camcorder.
Crazy Things
I've performed some crazy stunts in my time, outside of getting married twice, I have done some cool stuff. Like the time I was sleeping on a helicopter and doors open, I couldn't hear, and just heard someone yelling, and decided to JUMP out of the bird. A 50 foot fall and a hell of a tumble at the end, not even a scratch or bruise, but then I had to walk about 3 miles to where we were suspose to land.
Jumping off a bridge just because I seen it on TV. That is a rush, jumping from airplanes, that's more of a rush than wearing a ghost costume and knocking on the White House door. Cliff climbing, rock jumping, sex with the last chick at the bar, rolling a car and semi.
But nothing is better than time I jumped off the roof onto the round bouncy deal in our backyard. NO FEAR, jumped right off, went all the way down and hit my ass on the ground and was ejected into the air about 10 feet from that tramp and hit the ground again. That was a double ride in one jump. That is like getting a 2 for 1 down on the hooker corner. But talk about pain in the butt.
Its not what you do in life, its what you have done that didn't kill you is what matters. Live on, jump on, and stuff your butt with charmin and remember don't squeeze the charmin.
Jumping off a bridge just because I seen it on TV. That is a rush, jumping from airplanes, that's more of a rush than wearing a ghost costume and knocking on the White House door. Cliff climbing, rock jumping, sex with the last chick at the bar, rolling a car and semi.
But nothing is better than time I jumped off the roof onto the round bouncy deal in our backyard. NO FEAR, jumped right off, went all the way down and hit my ass on the ground and was ejected into the air about 10 feet from that tramp and hit the ground again. That was a double ride in one jump. That is like getting a 2 for 1 down on the hooker corner. But talk about pain in the butt.
Its not what you do in life, its what you have done that didn't kill you is what matters. Live on, jump on, and stuff your butt with charmin and remember don't squeeze the charmin.
Supernatural
When supernatural comes to mind, I think of the times back in my younger days, when I could jump off about anything and get back up. That better than seeing a UFO with a light beam over your ex-wifes house. The days when I could jump out of a helicopter 50 feet, and not even flinch.
But now, I even think of doing something like I use to, and my joints start popping, cracking, and my body hurts. One of these days, I am hoping to ride back in the saddle again and do the things that have not killed me yet. That does not mean, taking the last chick home from the bar. I'm talking flying suplex from the top of the dresser, or an elbow drop from hanging off the ceiling fan.
But until the days I am a spidermonkey again, snap crackle and pop aren't just a cereal, it's the sounds of me getting out of bed. Maybe I should just take my ideas of fun and lock them up tighter than a bulls ass getting ready to enter the slaughter house. That's tight right there!!!!! But, I may not be supernatural, but I AM naturally super!!!
But now, I even think of doing something like I use to, and my joints start popping, cracking, and my body hurts. One of these days, I am hoping to ride back in the saddle again and do the things that have not killed me yet. That does not mean, taking the last chick home from the bar. I'm talking flying suplex from the top of the dresser, or an elbow drop from hanging off the ceiling fan.
But until the days I am a spidermonkey again, snap crackle and pop aren't just a cereal, it's the sounds of me getting out of bed. Maybe I should just take my ideas of fun and lock them up tighter than a bulls ass getting ready to enter the slaughter house. That's tight right there!!!!! But, I may not be supernatural, but I AM naturally super!!!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Money Maker
I've done alot of cool things in my time, ie porn, cliff diving. But one of my bestest ideas was to come up with yard darts. I got so tired of them kids throwing rocks at cars in my front yard, I had to plant up an apple tree so they had something different to toss. That worked well, until I found out how to make apple pie. That stuff is good, and just make sure you get all the worms out of the apples first, for some reason my city slicker kids don't like worms.
The greatest hit in my trailer park is when I stopped and got some corn in a field, and then told my neighbor kid that my toiet was broken and gave him some pliers to get the seats off his toilets and bring them over. So, he did, being a smart kid and believing me. I took some of that corn, and pulled the husks back to make a yard dart, and took the toilet seats out and taught them how to throw some yard darts. I boiled up the rest of the corn, so I could I have big shindig down at trailer 68 at the park.
That was a great night until old PattyMae decided that the fieldcorn gave her the trots and took off for her toilet and we all heard a GREAT BIG,,,,BILLYBOB DAMN IT< BRING ME BACK MY SEAT AND FAST!!!! We just laughed, and I told ole BillyBob lets see how hard that corn hit, keep playing son. So we played. Wasn't long, ole PattyMae came out and was as mad as a elephant in a cage by himself on Viagra. WHEW, that red hair started flashing. I tried to ease the moment by asking to see if the toilet left a ring on ass, that obviously was not the thing to say.
So what I learned that day, what is fun for the kids, turns funny for the parents, but to my surprise ends me in 2 black eyes and swollen shins. I also learned, don't etch your name in your tools if some kids going to leave them behind. That's like breaking in a car leaving a business card. Damn it, I never think of the little things.
The greatest hit in my trailer park is when I stopped and got some corn in a field, and then told my neighbor kid that my toiet was broken and gave him some pliers to get the seats off his toilets and bring them over. So, he did, being a smart kid and believing me. I took some of that corn, and pulled the husks back to make a yard dart, and took the toilet seats out and taught them how to throw some yard darts. I boiled up the rest of the corn, so I could I have big shindig down at trailer 68 at the park.
That was a great night until old PattyMae decided that the fieldcorn gave her the trots and took off for her toilet and we all heard a GREAT BIG,,,,BILLYBOB DAMN IT< BRING ME BACK MY SEAT AND FAST!!!! We just laughed, and I told ole BillyBob lets see how hard that corn hit, keep playing son. So we played. Wasn't long, ole PattyMae came out and was as mad as a elephant in a cage by himself on Viagra. WHEW, that red hair started flashing. I tried to ease the moment by asking to see if the toilet left a ring on ass, that obviously was not the thing to say.
So what I learned that day, what is fun for the kids, turns funny for the parents, but to my surprise ends me in 2 black eyes and swollen shins. I also learned, don't etch your name in your tools if some kids going to leave them behind. That's like breaking in a car leaving a business card. Damn it, I never think of the little things.
Redneck Cooking
Nothing is better than a free meal, even one with family that stinks. Uncle Leroy leaves his teeth on a side plate, so can't sit by him, and Grammy don't know what is sliding in her depends, so can't sit there either. So I fix my plate, and roll on out to the garage and sit on the back of the pick-up.
This year they wanted me to help cook, so, I stuffed the turkey with popcorn, and when the popcorn blew the ass of the turkey, we knew it was done. I didn't have any stuffing, so I just toasted some bread, cut er up, and poured some turkey gravey on it, made it all better. Round my house we fight for the crispy skin, I ususally win. The trick to a good win is a can of refried beans and topped with a bowl of chili the night before. Still don't beat Uncle Leroys dentures on the damn table trying to eat.
All in all, we have a great meal, cold beer, long naps, and good times. We have alot of other stuff, I don't really know what it is, but it taste okay. It reminds me of Arkansas Roadkill Cafe, it was good, really good, don't know what it was, but man once you got under the hair it was tasty.
So, if you need any help with cooking up a turkey this year just give me a hollar, and surely we can cook er up. And cranberry sauce topped with poprocks is an absolute family stunner.
This year they wanted me to help cook, so, I stuffed the turkey with popcorn, and when the popcorn blew the ass of the turkey, we knew it was done. I didn't have any stuffing, so I just toasted some bread, cut er up, and poured some turkey gravey on it, made it all better. Round my house we fight for the crispy skin, I ususally win. The trick to a good win is a can of refried beans and topped with a bowl of chili the night before. Still don't beat Uncle Leroys dentures on the damn table trying to eat.
All in all, we have a great meal, cold beer, long naps, and good times. We have alot of other stuff, I don't really know what it is, but it taste okay. It reminds me of Arkansas Roadkill Cafe, it was good, really good, don't know what it was, but man once you got under the hair it was tasty.
So, if you need any help with cooking up a turkey this year just give me a hollar, and surely we can cook er up. And cranberry sauce topped with poprocks is an absolute family stunner.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Tassels
Who in the hell came up with this tied up ball of yarn to hang on a hat at graduation to have the wind blow and slap you in the eye? They should of used something like a rose stems. You ever had one just slap your eye like you were a red-headed step child stuck at home with a step mom from hell? That crap hurts.
And to make it worse, you can't pick the colors of what the shredded doilie should be. This is something that I never did understand. But DAMN I was cool hanging that thing on my rear view mirror. I use to slam on my brakes in the car then pump them to have it swing and slap the crap out of my front window like it did my eye in the wind. Chicks dig the tassel mirror.
To much of my surprise, chicks don't dig it to much when it says 91 on it and it is this year. What the heck? That thing is like a gold medal for me, I had to give the teachers so much crap and threaten them to pass me so they didn't have to put up with me the next year. It worked, and now I have earned my tassles.
So now, I want to make a new trend in the tassel evolution, or whatever the word is, I want to see all the High Schools in the "HOOD" not have tassels, but tie them things up like dreadlocks. Then when I go to the mall, I know which car NOT to park by. Put some of them beads in em, do whatever tickles your fancy shredding doilie eye sores, but dreads would just be the coolest. I would probably try to get me a college degree if that happen. But until then, I still blame that stupid tassel for me having to wear glasses.
And to make it worse, you can't pick the colors of what the shredded doilie should be. This is something that I never did understand. But DAMN I was cool hanging that thing on my rear view mirror. I use to slam on my brakes in the car then pump them to have it swing and slap the crap out of my front window like it did my eye in the wind. Chicks dig the tassel mirror.
To much of my surprise, chicks don't dig it to much when it says 91 on it and it is this year. What the heck? That thing is like a gold medal for me, I had to give the teachers so much crap and threaten them to pass me so they didn't have to put up with me the next year. It worked, and now I have earned my tassles.
So now, I want to make a new trend in the tassel evolution, or whatever the word is, I want to see all the High Schools in the "HOOD" not have tassels, but tie them things up like dreadlocks. Then when I go to the mall, I know which car NOT to park by. Put some of them beads in em, do whatever tickles your fancy shredding doilie eye sores, but dreads would just be the coolest. I would probably try to get me a college degree if that happen. But until then, I still blame that stupid tassel for me having to wear glasses.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Halloween
God bless these kids dressed up like their parents really want to. I seen more mom's all excited last night than I did back when I was a stripper. When the Hugh Hefner, answered the door, for some reason they asked for treats too. But, can't do that, there are kids present, oh how I love to use a womans line against her.
Its amazing how after 10 o'clock how the older people come out. Or maybe it was just my house. Little did they know, I have a peephole and only answered for the hotties. But the real joke is on them. Ole Hugh gave out Hershey wrappers with Laxatatives in them. Wonder how many mom's wanna come a knocking now. Tuff.
On the other hand, last night I was busy with the door last night, and tonight, it all started again, those darn Johovah Witnesses, but lucky for them, I was in my Hefner robe again and they had a deer in the headlight look on their face. Especially when the breeze hit and blew the robe open for a second. I looked like the girl in the mall parking lot trying to hold her skirt down in the wind. HELLO, if the wind is blowing that hard, pants, longer skirt, or just let her fly up, your dressed like a hooker anyways, my god, if your worried about exposing yourself to people that want to see, then stay home wearing them short shorts standing by the window.
So anyways, long live the costume for this year. Can't wait until next year, I need a partner to go out with. I found a human sized condom, and a sucker outfit so together we can be a cocksucker.
But I am getting back onto facebook to stalk on all the slutty pictures people post to add them to my love folder. So later dictator.
Its amazing how after 10 o'clock how the older people come out. Or maybe it was just my house. Little did they know, I have a peephole and only answered for the hotties. But the real joke is on them. Ole Hugh gave out Hershey wrappers with Laxatatives in them. Wonder how many mom's wanna come a knocking now. Tuff.
On the other hand, last night I was busy with the door last night, and tonight, it all started again, those darn Johovah Witnesses, but lucky for them, I was in my Hefner robe again and they had a deer in the headlight look on their face. Especially when the breeze hit and blew the robe open for a second. I looked like the girl in the mall parking lot trying to hold her skirt down in the wind. HELLO, if the wind is blowing that hard, pants, longer skirt, or just let her fly up, your dressed like a hooker anyways, my god, if your worried about exposing yourself to people that want to see, then stay home wearing them short shorts standing by the window.
So anyways, long live the costume for this year. Can't wait until next year, I need a partner to go out with. I found a human sized condom, and a sucker outfit so together we can be a cocksucker.
But I am getting back onto facebook to stalk on all the slutty pictures people post to add them to my love folder. So later dictator.
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