I will explain that when you post something like drunk and crazy in a sentence, you best save the typing and just write Indian. You know an Indian, you know they are drunk and crazy. In doing an upcoming show down there in Hatchetland, I don't scare me, not one bit. These people are completely bonkers, I checked some of them out, and they all have code names. Ronald Running Mule Hawk, Awgydawgy Bigballs, and some even have their last name first in their Facebook names.
I don't know about you, but it is looking to me like I need to bring my own bottled water. Nothing like going to a town where everyone is code name, and live in trailers whatever color the government found on contract, it looks alot like tinker toy reservations, but I know better. I have a big strike coming up to bat, I'm from that state where our kids don't get kicked out of football games from selling cars. The big rival, or use to be, until we had to save money because our kids playing ball don't work. Guess making them work isn't that bad of a deal at all after all. Get a job, donate a percent back to the school paying your education, and done is done and we could have stayed in the same conference, guess nobody thought of it that way. Instead we are going to teach them not to work, and just play ball, don't tell anyone where these shoes came from, or this car, or this watch, just get out there and play ball son.
One thing them Ponca City folks have that we don't is the appetite for destruction, I mean these people are like wrecking balls to the state of Oklahoma, they want a name change to Ponca Shitty because they can't get people to stick around for nothing, not even shipping in hookers from the big city. I don't know if you all been to a truck stop in Oklahoma City, but man, talk about girls walking around banging on doors like a midget on a trampoline with baby oil on their legs, well maybe that isn't baby oil, I didn't think it could leak. So, I'm telling you, there is a fresh man going to be in town, and last town like that I went into, I felt like a handicap fish in a pool of sharks. But we will see, maybe get them all fired up all night long, hop in the car and then head east towards Arkansas border, for the big ole family reunion. I love going to those, I have the most teeth and win the trophy every year. But this year, if Tonto don't get me first, I should win again, if I don't make it, I hope they ain't silly and wrap ole willy before I get tied up and scalped.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Neighbor Kids
I remember the times we use to play football in the street because,,,,I don't know, grass was to soft. The times we played baseball between houses. The great games of 1/4 court basketball in the driveway. Those were the good ole days. Now days, kids hit the streets, with baseball bats, and end up in court. I have no idea how I just pulled that out my ass, but good one. No matter where you lived you always had that ONE kid in the neighborhood that you went above and beyond the call needed to avoid.
We had that kid, what the hell am I saying, I think I may be him, I remember watching alot of games from my bedroom window. Probably cause I was grounded. The damn kid that would toss dirt clauds into a pool after it was painted, the one who would throw eggs out the back door to see if he could hit the neighbor behinds tent, the one who would ghost ride someone elses bike so his didn't get torn up. Remember that kid? What a pain, nobody liked that kid, there was no darn way he was going to play with anyone, he was annoying, I think I have finally found that kid again, there is this kid down here, that nobody wants to be around or include. So, me being the kid guy that I am, I decided I was going to play catch with him so he didn't knock himself out with the tennis ball he was tossing to himself. Glad that was the only ball he was playing with. And then,,,,,,,,
It all started, this kid has clung onto me like a bad habit. I tell ya, I can't stay away long enough. You leave for work, wham, there he is. You come home and he is waiting for you like a lost dog. I guess it's better than his mom use to do, come outside running with the mattress duct taped to her ass, man she was always ready. I'm telling ya, the other neighbors are getting mad at me for telling the kid that they were looking for him so he would pound on their door and I had a chance to RUN. I think I am going to buy him a pet, like a cat or dog, and give it to him, I know he will get attached, and then I can hit 2 birds with one stone. Keeping his mom from sniffing at my goods, and him from calling me a super hero, I mean, that would be a great idea, they would get kicked out, and mission accomplished. If only his mom wasn't silly that night she made him and wrapped that willy.
We had that kid, what the hell am I saying, I think I may be him, I remember watching alot of games from my bedroom window. Probably cause I was grounded. The damn kid that would toss dirt clauds into a pool after it was painted, the one who would throw eggs out the back door to see if he could hit the neighbor behinds tent, the one who would ghost ride someone elses bike so his didn't get torn up. Remember that kid? What a pain, nobody liked that kid, there was no darn way he was going to play with anyone, he was annoying, I think I have finally found that kid again, there is this kid down here, that nobody wants to be around or include. So, me being the kid guy that I am, I decided I was going to play catch with him so he didn't knock himself out with the tennis ball he was tossing to himself. Glad that was the only ball he was playing with. And then,,,,,,,,
It all started, this kid has clung onto me like a bad habit. I tell ya, I can't stay away long enough. You leave for work, wham, there he is. You come home and he is waiting for you like a lost dog. I guess it's better than his mom use to do, come outside running with the mattress duct taped to her ass, man she was always ready. I'm telling ya, the other neighbors are getting mad at me for telling the kid that they were looking for him so he would pound on their door and I had a chance to RUN. I think I am going to buy him a pet, like a cat or dog, and give it to him, I know he will get attached, and then I can hit 2 birds with one stone. Keeping his mom from sniffing at my goods, and him from calling me a super hero, I mean, that would be a great idea, they would get kicked out, and mission accomplished. If only his mom wasn't silly that night she made him and wrapped that willy.
Roofers
I feel like a damn dog today. Sitting here, tap tap tap tap. I keep thinking Jimmy John's is here, cause they know every 20th sandwich is mine. So I go to the door, and nobody there. I tell ya, I haven't had ding dong ditch played on me since I use to fart in underroos. Okay, a month ago, but I do like the spiderman best. So, after I did this about 4 times, mind ya, with my broken rib getting up and down is an event, if only I wasn't a slow learner. If only.
I went outside to see what the hell was going on, and walked out to find what I thought was the Alamo, that turned out to be some Hispanics here to put new shingles on the roof. Mighty white of em. Beings me, and who I am, not of who I do, but I had this idea that since they made me about get a hernia trying to get up and down off the couch to answer the door, I would give them a real how does this feel?
I got myself some baling wire, and tied it to the ladder and went across to the neighbors truck bumper. I'm not going to use my own damn car and let them know it was me, even with a head start, them dudes are fast, and superman can't fly as fast as them. You ever messed with one of them? Them dudes fly out of wallpaper when you mess with one, let alone 6 all mad. Jesus, that would be a good way to get a tombstone, and not the pizza. So, now I wait, for the big event, but I think I'm going to invite my neighbor out to watch, well, I can't do that, what am I thinking? It's his truck. Now I understand why I was silly and didn't wrap ole willy.
I went outside to see what the hell was going on, and walked out to find what I thought was the Alamo, that turned out to be some Hispanics here to put new shingles on the roof. Mighty white of em. Beings me, and who I am, not of who I do, but I had this idea that since they made me about get a hernia trying to get up and down off the couch to answer the door, I would give them a real how does this feel?
I got myself some baling wire, and tied it to the ladder and went across to the neighbors truck bumper. I'm not going to use my own damn car and let them know it was me, even with a head start, them dudes are fast, and superman can't fly as fast as them. You ever messed with one of them? Them dudes fly out of wallpaper when you mess with one, let alone 6 all mad. Jesus, that would be a good way to get a tombstone, and not the pizza. So, now I wait, for the big event, but I think I'm going to invite my neighbor out to watch, well, I can't do that, what am I thinking? It's his truck. Now I understand why I was silly and didn't wrap ole willy.
Fantasy
One thing about always being in my own world, it's fantastic. If I didn't know any better, there would be borderline fantasy social active disorder. I really have no idea what that would consist of, but it sounded cool, so I'm rolling. It's like it such a good feeling, to know your alive, such a happy feeling. Now that you have your shoes untied and slipping on your sweater. Or like my mom would say, now that I have your attention, can I sell you a weight loss shake?
And that's another issue. Now come on, shakes been around for longer than I, now all of a sudden we have weight loss shakes? The only kind of weight loss shake that really works is to shake that ass while your walking. I mean to tell ya, evidently wine does it also. Cause I got this ex wife that is a genuine wine-o, and she went from the days I use to trip her and make a pothole in the sidewalk, to actually looking good enough another white guy may hit on her. Cause right now shes with a Hispanic, and we all know they are the ANTI weight loss shake people.
I just don't understand that. They come over and not only do the jobs that we won't do because we are fat and lazy, but they also do the women we won't do because we expect them not to be fat and lazy. I think we got this all wrong. Why we trying to catch Hispanics and send them back to their land? Crap, we could just take all the fat chicks and send them to their lands, and they would follow. End the immigration problem, and make a big dent in America's obesity problem. Oh, wait, that would be cutting the colored guys out, okay, we will keep the ones under 200 and over 5'11" that should help balance it out. Cause for some damn reason, if your black and gonna get a cracker chick, she's an amazon one, one that most of us short fat crackers are scared of. The pick ya up and body slam ya chick, hell, China on WWF. Nuff said.
All I know is people are making money on all this fabricated shit and I can't even sell an idea of a vibrator on the end of a weed eater to get on the market to help reduce prostitution. If we can't make a dent in it and your gonna just poke it, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
And that's another issue. Now come on, shakes been around for longer than I, now all of a sudden we have weight loss shakes? The only kind of weight loss shake that really works is to shake that ass while your walking. I mean to tell ya, evidently wine does it also. Cause I got this ex wife that is a genuine wine-o, and she went from the days I use to trip her and make a pothole in the sidewalk, to actually looking good enough another white guy may hit on her. Cause right now shes with a Hispanic, and we all know they are the ANTI weight loss shake people.
I just don't understand that. They come over and not only do the jobs that we won't do because we are fat and lazy, but they also do the women we won't do because we expect them not to be fat and lazy. I think we got this all wrong. Why we trying to catch Hispanics and send them back to their land? Crap, we could just take all the fat chicks and send them to their lands, and they would follow. End the immigration problem, and make a big dent in America's obesity problem. Oh, wait, that would be cutting the colored guys out, okay, we will keep the ones under 200 and over 5'11" that should help balance it out. Cause for some damn reason, if your black and gonna get a cracker chick, she's an amazon one, one that most of us short fat crackers are scared of. The pick ya up and body slam ya chick, hell, China on WWF. Nuff said.
All I know is people are making money on all this fabricated shit and I can't even sell an idea of a vibrator on the end of a weed eater to get on the market to help reduce prostitution. If we can't make a dent in it and your gonna just poke it, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Geographical Center of the United States
So, to be exactly in the middle of the Continental United States is not only an adventure, but it is fun. Some things that impress me are the dumbest things, but hey, keep being dumb so I am impressed. There was a booming hotel they say there? I don't know exactly what they mean by booming, I know people stop to see it, but in a town of about 500 at Christmas, with NO Walmart, OR Dollar General, in Kansas even, wonder what booming is to them? I only counted 10 doors on the building, I guess if you rent 2 for a night, that would be booming.
I know second off, not only does this little pimple of a town really small, but the center locator is 3 miles off the highway back to the west. The only reason the road is even paved is because it's back there for the Japanese bird watchers so they don't loose control over their rental car. Oh, mind ya, there are no parking stalls, or even spots. If it's so booming, then ummmmm, just sayin.
But there is a little chapel, in which skinny people only go to church there. My ass after I have lost 3/4 of it from divorce barely fit in a seat. But it was cool, I like the idea, I thought it was neat seeing a chapel as the only other building than the hotel, or use to be hotel, a chapel for skinny people. That will confuse them Japs. But, there is a BBQ area, heck ya, grill and all. But, only the camper people have food, and if they have food, then you know they have a grill already. I guess it's the idea of having a grill out there to temp you to drive out 30 miles to the nearest place to get something to cook and come back. Lord help ya in not forgetting the charcoal.
One thing they do need, is a porta potty, or outhouse. I'm telling ya, usually when I stop, I have to pee, I guess it's an older thing. I blame the air conditioning in the car, then stepping outside causes my blood to increase therefore getting my muscles working and my bladder going. I refuse to get old, I'm NOT gonna take a purple pill before I wrap ole willy.
I know second off, not only does this little pimple of a town really small, but the center locator is 3 miles off the highway back to the west. The only reason the road is even paved is because it's back there for the Japanese bird watchers so they don't loose control over their rental car. Oh, mind ya, there are no parking stalls, or even spots. If it's so booming, then ummmmm, just sayin.
But there is a little chapel, in which skinny people only go to church there. My ass after I have lost 3/4 of it from divorce barely fit in a seat. But it was cool, I like the idea, I thought it was neat seeing a chapel as the only other building than the hotel, or use to be hotel, a chapel for skinny people. That will confuse them Japs. But, there is a BBQ area, heck ya, grill and all. But, only the camper people have food, and if they have food, then you know they have a grill already. I guess it's the idea of having a grill out there to temp you to drive out 30 miles to the nearest place to get something to cook and come back. Lord help ya in not forgetting the charcoal.
One thing they do need, is a porta potty, or outhouse. I'm telling ya, usually when I stop, I have to pee, I guess it's an older thing. I blame the air conditioning in the car, then stepping outside causes my blood to increase therefore getting my muscles working and my bladder going. I refuse to get old, I'm NOT gonna take a purple pill before I wrap ole willy.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
BOOK?? Who reads??
Some people have told me to write a book, but I can't write, it is hard to write anymore after high school. I can type like a stipper working a brass pole for a Benjamin Franklin big bill. I dance arcross them keys like boobies when I'm coping a feel. But, I don't know about a damn book, maybe a freaking movie, I couldn't stand to read, and all be damn if I'm going to have a book signing somewhere with a bunch of crap I don't like. That would be like watching the NBA Finals with my ex wife. Can't stand either.
I tell ya, from when I was a kid, or back up, the night I went to the party with my dad, and left with my mom. To the time I ate a bowl of cereal and went to tell my gerbil good bye I was going to pre school. That bastard jumped up and snatched onto my lip like frog on a fly. Or the time I thought I could stop my Grandpas hunting dog from running circles, and it knocked me 10 feet out of my damn shoes and kept on going.
Then we can get into the my time in the Army, and I am going to Germany to play that part. Ya darn straight, my liver my die, but I will be in good company with my biers. A good ole German beer is better than a hot blonde nibbling on my ear. Ot the time I got caught in high school having sex in my parents car by the Sheriff, caught in the act, pant's downtown. Or the my 2 stages of dumbass and getting married. Those together would be a damn movie, or maybe we can reduce one's drama.
Or some crazy things, like running down the street from her husband chasing me with a baseball bat. Or the time I thought I could water ski at 50 mph. The great times I had in Branson, maybe not give all that time up, people might think I'm crazy or something. From about anything that has happen to me, including the moments of being silly, and not wrapping willy. But, we will spare that, try to make it a PG-13 so I can educate the kids what NOT to do.
I tell ya, from when I was a kid, or back up, the night I went to the party with my dad, and left with my mom. To the time I ate a bowl of cereal and went to tell my gerbil good bye I was going to pre school. That bastard jumped up and snatched onto my lip like frog on a fly. Or the time I thought I could stop my Grandpas hunting dog from running circles, and it knocked me 10 feet out of my damn shoes and kept on going.
Then we can get into the my time in the Army, and I am going to Germany to play that part. Ya darn straight, my liver my die, but I will be in good company with my biers. A good ole German beer is better than a hot blonde nibbling on my ear. Ot the time I got caught in high school having sex in my parents car by the Sheriff, caught in the act, pant's downtown. Or the my 2 stages of dumbass and getting married. Those together would be a damn movie, or maybe we can reduce one's drama.
Or some crazy things, like running down the street from her husband chasing me with a baseball bat. Or the time I thought I could water ski at 50 mph. The great times I had in Branson, maybe not give all that time up, people might think I'm crazy or something. From about anything that has happen to me, including the moments of being silly, and not wrapping willy. But, we will spare that, try to make it a PG-13 so I can educate the kids what NOT to do.
Friends
I have lots of friends, but most are girls. I learned long ago, that if your guy friends are gay, they always have the hot chicks all around them. So, my guy friends are gay, I'm straighter than a carbon arrow. But, I also ain't dumb. We all have those friends that you love to hang with, but they always leave you to corruption of the liver.
I am telling you, they will talk you into waxing your nose, drinking olive juice, and who knows what else. And with them being girls, I think they just wanna take advantage of me. HA, good luck. But, every time I get a text from one, give it 10 seconds the other will holler too. And stupid me, ignores the flashing lights, bells, and whistles of my liver panic notification. And out the door I go, sitting drinking, usually more than I wanted, but damn we have good times. And beings girls, you KNOW they HAVE to have pictures of everything.
But, I had just found out that one of them has her mouth open more than Jenna Jameson going at it like a horse winning the Belmont Stakes. Every picture we have, she is catching flies. Wonder if that has to do with the fact she is the circus leader? She's the one that talks us into everything we never wanted to do. Cause shes a smooth criminal like that. Or so she claims. I guess ole Rubber Jaws is a good nickname for her, if I can just tell everyone to stop calling her the BJ Queen. No she isn't that, but my ex wife's nickname was that, that's why I married her, turns out that was a lie. Nothing like pissing on my shoes.
Well, so if you don't wanna end up with your mouth open all the time, spread something else I guess, but don't be silly wrap ole willy.
I am telling you, they will talk you into waxing your nose, drinking olive juice, and who knows what else. And with them being girls, I think they just wanna take advantage of me. HA, good luck. But, every time I get a text from one, give it 10 seconds the other will holler too. And stupid me, ignores the flashing lights, bells, and whistles of my liver panic notification. And out the door I go, sitting drinking, usually more than I wanted, but damn we have good times. And beings girls, you KNOW they HAVE to have pictures of everything.
But, I had just found out that one of them has her mouth open more than Jenna Jameson going at it like a horse winning the Belmont Stakes. Every picture we have, she is catching flies. Wonder if that has to do with the fact she is the circus leader? She's the one that talks us into everything we never wanted to do. Cause shes a smooth criminal like that. Or so she claims. I guess ole Rubber Jaws is a good nickname for her, if I can just tell everyone to stop calling her the BJ Queen. No she isn't that, but my ex wife's nickname was that, that's why I married her, turns out that was a lie. Nothing like pissing on my shoes.
Well, so if you don't wanna end up with your mouth open all the time, spread something else I guess, but don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Teenage Knock Up
Man, I tell ya what. I'm the kind of dad that will knock on my own car to get my kid a condom. Why? Cause that's how I roll. I just understand why these kids wanna play Russian roulette with their peters and knock some chick up. I mean, damn kid, you ain't even old enough to shave, now your going to be a dad?
I know when I was younger my mom passed along the, I know your a horny little teenager, your going to needs these one night, and you better put it on or I will tie your peter in a knot like a pretzel. The power of moms. Glad it was the family pack.
I see kids out now days that are all bopping around jumping rope because they are fixing to shit a kid. Nothing like being 29 and having to not only pay for your car, and everything, and support another driver in your house. I don't know what is so great about getting knocked up. I can't do it, so I guess it's not cool. But, one thing I do know, this girl basically raped a dude, like that was hard to do, and either or whatever happen, she was on top and yep, it happen. But it wasn't his fault. Like boys think we are stupid. Did you NOT feel your toenails popping off? You didn't notice the shortness of breath and breathing hard? Really, you couldn't feel your whole body tighten up and feel like your balls were going to explode? And the darn kid said, NO. My reply would be, guess the chick wasn't worth it. Nice of you to get laid by a ho for your first.
I know my kid is not in this blog, cause if he was, I would have her loaded up heading to Wichita. HA, just kidding, old enough to play, old enough to pay is what I believe in. There are people in this world that can't have kids and yours will be better taken care of then you could ever offer. So, if your in the heat of the moment, or you catch her with one leg up, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
I know when I was younger my mom passed along the, I know your a horny little teenager, your going to needs these one night, and you better put it on or I will tie your peter in a knot like a pretzel. The power of moms. Glad it was the family pack.
I see kids out now days that are all bopping around jumping rope because they are fixing to shit a kid. Nothing like being 29 and having to not only pay for your car, and everything, and support another driver in your house. I don't know what is so great about getting knocked up. I can't do it, so I guess it's not cool. But, one thing I do know, this girl basically raped a dude, like that was hard to do, and either or whatever happen, she was on top and yep, it happen. But it wasn't his fault. Like boys think we are stupid. Did you NOT feel your toenails popping off? You didn't notice the shortness of breath and breathing hard? Really, you couldn't feel your whole body tighten up and feel like your balls were going to explode? And the darn kid said, NO. My reply would be, guess the chick wasn't worth it. Nice of you to get laid by a ho for your first.
I know my kid is not in this blog, cause if he was, I would have her loaded up heading to Wichita. HA, just kidding, old enough to play, old enough to pay is what I believe in. There are people in this world that can't have kids and yours will be better taken care of then you could ever offer. So, if your in the heat of the moment, or you catch her with one leg up, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Really
As long as we have COPS on TV, we will always have some interesting material to use. They got a call to a murder, well, a just got into a fight with my buddy and I think I killed him. I didn't mean to. Really? Pointing a loaded gun at him and pulling the trigger didn't click something in your head he may just die? I was born at night, but NOT last night.
I love the neighbor fights, her kids came over here and stole my kids basketball. So I walked across the street and took it back and slapped the girl. She ain't gonna come steal my stuff. OH, we always have the PROUD I HAVE A JOB. I work hard for my stuff, I don't need some brat coming over here to take my hard earned stuff I buy for my kids cause I have a job. I mean straight right up trailer park humor at it's finest. Noting says I'm proud more than when they get their food stamps cut in half because they got a job.
Oh, the ole bicycle cop dudes in action kill me. First off, I can only imagine riding a bike all shift and having that feeling of bike seat ass and you can't walk straight, or straight looking, you walk around like your trying to smother hamsters inside Mexico. Then to do a dismount off that thing and tackle a black dude on the run. Well, I wouldn't have used black dude if they would happen to snag some white people. But don't blame it, it's the program. And always the hoochie mama with her died hair in dreadlocks.
Well, I need to get back to watching this crazy shit, it's good stuff for my soul. Just like red velvet cake and cream cheese frosting. What a snack, so I better watch some black dudes with cracked out teeth steal a bicycle from some poor kid to go get some dope from an officer. If only they weren't silly and wrapped ole willy.
I love the neighbor fights, her kids came over here and stole my kids basketball. So I walked across the street and took it back and slapped the girl. She ain't gonna come steal my stuff. OH, we always have the PROUD I HAVE A JOB. I work hard for my stuff, I don't need some brat coming over here to take my hard earned stuff I buy for my kids cause I have a job. I mean straight right up trailer park humor at it's finest. Noting says I'm proud more than when they get their food stamps cut in half because they got a job.
Oh, the ole bicycle cop dudes in action kill me. First off, I can only imagine riding a bike all shift and having that feeling of bike seat ass and you can't walk straight, or straight looking, you walk around like your trying to smother hamsters inside Mexico. Then to do a dismount off that thing and tackle a black dude on the run. Well, I wouldn't have used black dude if they would happen to snag some white people. But don't blame it, it's the program. And always the hoochie mama with her died hair in dreadlocks.
Well, I need to get back to watching this crazy shit, it's good stuff for my soul. Just like red velvet cake and cream cheese frosting. What a snack, so I better watch some black dudes with cracked out teeth steal a bicycle from some poor kid to go get some dope from an officer. If only they weren't silly and wrapped ole willy.
Summer Break
I have no idea why they call it summer break, when the kids are out of school, it damn sure ain't no break for me, or any other parents. How do you explain to your job that okay, I need summers off, I can't find anyone to watch my kids, because they are little devils, and the last babysitter they had lost a finger. Not only will that help you get the job, well, maybe for a Department of Corrections. But, I tell ya, we start swim lessons, baseball, art, music, pole dancing, and whatever else I can find to keep them busy so they aren't tearing up the crib.
Kids are a lot like monkeys. They will get in trouble if they don't have shit to throw. My kids are pretty good, when I have them duct taped to the wall while wearing zip tie cuffs. They mind real well. Just sometimes, maybe us parents need a break, so therefore, we are going to step up and make teachers have to work all year long, send the kids, matters of fact, have a lock in party for a week or two. Teachers need something to do anyways, if it wasn't for students, they wouldn't have a job, so be proud.
I know there is no way I could be a teacher now. When I went to school, they could whip your ass, which is something most American households don't do now. They could thump you on the head, move you, holler. But now, they have to go to educate our kids, and take all the crap they can be dealt. In my case, my kids are spending more time in school that with me, so therefore the teachers are raising our kids. Whip their ass, I damn sure would if they needed it.
If you don't like the idea of getting some rule back on the streets at age of five, you can kiss my butt without a wax first. Society would be so better if we stepped back to the old days, and now that you have me so far on another track from when I started. Take me for example, tell me a teacher that wouldn't whip my ass, and I will call you a liar. I was WAY in my own world, but damn I had fun. If I wasn't silly and would have wrapped ole willy, I wouldn't have to worry about summer breaks.
Kids are a lot like monkeys. They will get in trouble if they don't have shit to throw. My kids are pretty good, when I have them duct taped to the wall while wearing zip tie cuffs. They mind real well. Just sometimes, maybe us parents need a break, so therefore, we are going to step up and make teachers have to work all year long, send the kids, matters of fact, have a lock in party for a week or two. Teachers need something to do anyways, if it wasn't for students, they wouldn't have a job, so be proud.
I know there is no way I could be a teacher now. When I went to school, they could whip your ass, which is something most American households don't do now. They could thump you on the head, move you, holler. But now, they have to go to educate our kids, and take all the crap they can be dealt. In my case, my kids are spending more time in school that with me, so therefore the teachers are raising our kids. Whip their ass, I damn sure would if they needed it.
If you don't like the idea of getting some rule back on the streets at age of five, you can kiss my butt without a wax first. Society would be so better if we stepped back to the old days, and now that you have me so far on another track from when I started. Take me for example, tell me a teacher that wouldn't whip my ass, and I will call you a liar. I was WAY in my own world, but damn I had fun. If I wasn't silly and would have wrapped ole willy, I wouldn't have to worry about summer breaks.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Got YA
There are certain things in life that I love to watch curiosity kill the cat. So, I think of crazy things, say crazy thing, and the king of pranks. Jackass would have shit if they knew some of the things I have pulled off in my days. Oh of course, you don't heal as fast or good when you get older. I snap, crackle, and pop more getting out of bed then pop rocks in the mouth of a women going..........get your mind out of the gutter, going down the hall. Gees.
One thing I read about just struck my mind like a ballpean hammer on the head of my ex. It is a rusty trombone, well, that's what its called. So being me, knowing this is a new trend, and I mean if you ask me a hell of a way to eat corn. So, now that you have urban dictionary it already. But, to say something on Facebook, and having a comment from a guy, and then a comment from his wife, obviously, if that doesn't stand up and shout out KARMA SUTRA owners I don't know what does. I mean whew, got me all excited, I was going to ask them to join my softball team, named SWINGERS. But, I would be the third wheel. I can't get a woman if I paid for one, even when I do that the damn cops break us up and always take me to the bed and breakfast and she stays working the corner. Pisses me off worse than a lightning bug stuck in a mason jar in the daylight.
But, now that I have killed your cat, and you are now educated on what the new trend is. Google it some more, find out about the tattoo, there's your sign. Well, don't get yourself in a shitty situation, don't be silly wrap old willy.
One thing I read about just struck my mind like a ballpean hammer on the head of my ex. It is a rusty trombone, well, that's what its called. So being me, knowing this is a new trend, and I mean if you ask me a hell of a way to eat corn. So, now that you have urban dictionary it already. But, to say something on Facebook, and having a comment from a guy, and then a comment from his wife, obviously, if that doesn't stand up and shout out KARMA SUTRA owners I don't know what does. I mean whew, got me all excited, I was going to ask them to join my softball team, named SWINGERS. But, I would be the third wheel. I can't get a woman if I paid for one, even when I do that the damn cops break us up and always take me to the bed and breakfast and she stays working the corner. Pisses me off worse than a lightning bug stuck in a mason jar in the daylight.
But, now that I have killed your cat, and you are now educated on what the new trend is. Google it some more, find out about the tattoo, there's your sign. Well, don't get yourself in a shitty situation, don't be silly wrap old willy.
State Patrol FAIL
When your a habitual criminal you own a scanner, in which that is why I have one. It helps me not get caught. But last night, there was a semi truck leaking diesel all over on an interstate on ramp, or off ramp, heck, on a ramp. Ya, I argue with myself, but the make up sex is great. So, they called out for a haz-mat trailer to come out and help soak it up, or spray it off. Well, beings the Fire Station is behind my, I watched for about 30 minutes while they tried to figure out how to hook up the trailer. I don't know what the hold up was, but obviously, someone must have been putting on the tires or something. Maybe they were waiting for it to blow up, who knows.
But they make it out to the scene. And scanner traffic is kinda quiet, and then all of a sudden, the Fire Department calls back to the emergency center and says, We need a State Patrol officer to talk to the owner of the semi. The dispatcher calls back and says, NSP, Nebraska State Patrol, said there is an officer out there. And the quick response to that was, if he is the one lighting the flares down hill from our location, he needs to extinguish them and get up here ASAP.
I ain't no rocket scientist, but WTH was he thinking, they know its a diesel spill, cause that is how it was called out, and to think, hey Rocky, watch me blow some shit up when I light these flares. I guess the NSP officer must have missed that day of class when they are getting some HAZ-MAT instructions of down wind, and down hill. But, man, all I hope is he ain't to silly to wrap ole willy, we don't need 2 of them running around trying to blow up firemen.
But they make it out to the scene. And scanner traffic is kinda quiet, and then all of a sudden, the Fire Department calls back to the emergency center and says, We need a State Patrol officer to talk to the owner of the semi. The dispatcher calls back and says, NSP, Nebraska State Patrol, said there is an officer out there. And the quick response to that was, if he is the one lighting the flares down hill from our location, he needs to extinguish them and get up here ASAP.
I ain't no rocket scientist, but WTH was he thinking, they know its a diesel spill, cause that is how it was called out, and to think, hey Rocky, watch me blow some shit up when I light these flares. I guess the NSP officer must have missed that day of class when they are getting some HAZ-MAT instructions of down wind, and down hill. But, man, all I hope is he ain't to silly to wrap ole willy, we don't need 2 of them running around trying to blow up firemen.
Hail Eggcelent
Had a little thunder boomer go through here last night. And beings, I am a Facebook whore, I don't own a weather radio, who needs one now we have Facebook? Heck, I follow a couple tornado spotters that give live updates, the weather station from NOAA, whatever nautical has to do with Nebraska, and I follow the TV station. And THAT'S WHERE IT STARTED.
They decided to update their facebook with, heck I will copy and paste it,,,,,Hen egg size (2.0") hail being reported 3 miles northwest of Deweese in Clay County. I mean, really? In opposed to Rooster eggs? I have heard of it being compared to balls, ping pong, golfball, marble, Baseball, but an egg? You'd think for having a college education and being on the TV, you sure would have thought that out a bit before you posted that.
I guess I, really wasn't as confused as I was, wish that was my thinking. Could you imagine if you tossed a blue jay sized egg? Wonder how many would think, holy crap Harold what the hell is a blue jay? Old people are going to have a collection of eggs in their ice boxes just for the big storm so they can check out the size. If you don't think that's true, every grandpa has a tennis ball, and others next to his chair where I come from. Looks over to marble and holds it up, this here is how big that hail is down yonder, she stops knitting looks up and says HUH. That's how we roll back here in the Midwest.
All I got to say, is if they are going to have all them eggs next to their chairs, someone better call a sentsy salesperson and get some business strummed up quicker than Ozzy strums a guitar. If not, no worry to not be silly, guess ya won't have to wrap ole willy.
They decided to update their facebook with, heck I will copy and paste it,,,,,Hen egg size (2.0") hail being reported 3 miles northwest of Deweese in Clay County. I mean, really? In opposed to Rooster eggs? I have heard of it being compared to balls, ping pong, golfball, marble, Baseball, but an egg? You'd think for having a college education and being on the TV, you sure would have thought that out a bit before you posted that.
I guess I, really wasn't as confused as I was, wish that was my thinking. Could you imagine if you tossed a blue jay sized egg? Wonder how many would think, holy crap Harold what the hell is a blue jay? Old people are going to have a collection of eggs in their ice boxes just for the big storm so they can check out the size. If you don't think that's true, every grandpa has a tennis ball, and others next to his chair where I come from. Looks over to marble and holds it up, this here is how big that hail is down yonder, she stops knitting looks up and says HUH. That's how we roll back here in the Midwest.
All I got to say, is if they are going to have all them eggs next to their chairs, someone better call a sentsy salesperson and get some business strummed up quicker than Ozzy strums a guitar. If not, no worry to not be silly, guess ya won't have to wrap ole willy.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Nose Wax
Most of you know me by now, and know that I would just call and make an appointment to get my nose waxed, sober. Let me tell ya, I was more nervous than a skunk backed up in a corner by an alligator. But I did it, and let me tell ya how it all went down.
I walked in and image that, had to wait, in the damn hair school place, with NO MEN. I go back to the "spa" in which one bed had a sheet that looked like it just got done at a frat party, or a hookers bed sheet, one of the two. Then I have to sign a waiver, which states, if you are harmed in the making of this smooth hair treatment, it is not our fault. We know you will jump, tear, and be a big baby, but the tape will not be sold or reproduced. So I signed it.
Now, like magic, I got me a wad of bubble gum shoved up my nose on a stick, and sat and waited. It felt like a big sneeze when you have a cold and your not finding a Kleenex fast enough. But you can't touch it, for God sakes. So, there I sit, now feeling like the freak show at the carnival with crap coming out my nose. And then it gets to a good consistency, and she comes over and says "ready?" What the hell kind of question is that? Ya, I'm ready to have my brain expelled thru my nose via a stick. Then the countdown, pull the damn thing out already, don't count, I do that to my kids before I am going to spank them. Finally, HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS, automatic tear in the eye. And kapow, that piece of gum on the stick, has now turned into a cactus plant. My tear is going to my ear, so now I have a hairless nose and swimmers ear. GREAT, one down, one to go.
And off to the other side, same approach, but for some reason, this wad of gum didn't want to adhere to the stick, and then when she went to yank it out, not only did it "accidental" slip the first pull, but the second one was slow. If I wanted a slow wax pain, I would have tied it onto a snail, holy crap that kinda hurt. And now, we have to do it again. Up the nose with the gum, stick hanging down to my chin, both chins, and then wham, rip it was done.
Then the walk outside, if someone would have told me about the smells I was missing by being haired up, I would have done this along time ago. I can now look straight up and in the mirror and check for boogers, but I will NOT be held responsible if something should just fly out my nose because I have no more catchers up there. And let me add, picking my nose is as nice as rubbing my finger behind my ear, smooth, just nicely smooth. But, I gotta go, I wanna share this experience with the boy downstairs, I need to call and schedule another appointment. Don't be silly, wrap ole willy, smooth willy!!!!
I walked in and image that, had to wait, in the damn hair school place, with NO MEN. I go back to the "spa" in which one bed had a sheet that looked like it just got done at a frat party, or a hookers bed sheet, one of the two. Then I have to sign a waiver, which states, if you are harmed in the making of this smooth hair treatment, it is not our fault. We know you will jump, tear, and be a big baby, but the tape will not be sold or reproduced. So I signed it.
Now, like magic, I got me a wad of bubble gum shoved up my nose on a stick, and sat and waited. It felt like a big sneeze when you have a cold and your not finding a Kleenex fast enough. But you can't touch it, for God sakes. So, there I sit, now feeling like the freak show at the carnival with crap coming out my nose. And then it gets to a good consistency, and she comes over and says "ready?" What the hell kind of question is that? Ya, I'm ready to have my brain expelled thru my nose via a stick. Then the countdown, pull the damn thing out already, don't count, I do that to my kids before I am going to spank them. Finally, HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS, automatic tear in the eye. And kapow, that piece of gum on the stick, has now turned into a cactus plant. My tear is going to my ear, so now I have a hairless nose and swimmers ear. GREAT, one down, one to go.
And off to the other side, same approach, but for some reason, this wad of gum didn't want to adhere to the stick, and then when she went to yank it out, not only did it "accidental" slip the first pull, but the second one was slow. If I wanted a slow wax pain, I would have tied it onto a snail, holy crap that kinda hurt. And now, we have to do it again. Up the nose with the gum, stick hanging down to my chin, both chins, and then wham, rip it was done.
Then the walk outside, if someone would have told me about the smells I was missing by being haired up, I would have done this along time ago. I can now look straight up and in the mirror and check for boogers, but I will NOT be held responsible if something should just fly out my nose because I have no more catchers up there. And let me add, picking my nose is as nice as rubbing my finger behind my ear, smooth, just nicely smooth. But, I gotta go, I wanna share this experience with the boy downstairs, I need to call and schedule another appointment. Don't be silly, wrap ole willy, smooth willy!!!!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Red Light
I decided that I was done giving blood to towels, and licking my own wounds like a dog, so I wanted to step it up a notch and donate some blood. I trotted down to the Red Cross, and lone and behold, I found out that they want blood, but have singled me out like a skunk with rabies. For some reason, they said they knew me. I read this little "You cannot give blood" list, and all be damn if I wasn't listed. I mean it didn't say exactly if you are Gabe or slept with Gabe, but it was a step worse.
How in the hell do they know what I did in my past? Obviously I am clean, I don't pee green any longer after my meds, I donated my spleen for research, but now I can't give blood because I served my country, and I was stationed in Germany where there are prostitutes? Really, so I guess the Red Cross don't exist in Vegas, that's to bad, I would love to give blood playing poker while drunk.
Then they told me that I could give blood, they just can't use it they will dispose of it. WTF? Really, now I was born at night but not last night, so I did it for the cookies, that old hag wouldn't allow me to eat any cookies cause I didn't give blood, so I gave. I jumped off the chair, said throw that bag away, I have slept with over 50 chicks in the red light district costing me over $300, and now my blood is tainted like your taint when you shit kids, and I'm just here for the cookies. And COOKIE MONSTER I became.
But if I remember correctly, I did sleep with one of the nurses daughters, so I said, I can't believe I am good enough to bang your daughter, but you guys don't want my blood, I'm just in shock. I better go eat some cookies so I can calm down. That old hag chased me out of there with a needle, I can't believe she was so sensitive, it wasn't like I would step down in morals and do her daughter again, been there done that, and wrapped ole willy twice, she melted the first one.
How in the hell do they know what I did in my past? Obviously I am clean, I don't pee green any longer after my meds, I donated my spleen for research, but now I can't give blood because I served my country, and I was stationed in Germany where there are prostitutes? Really, so I guess the Red Cross don't exist in Vegas, that's to bad, I would love to give blood playing poker while drunk.
Then they told me that I could give blood, they just can't use it they will dispose of it. WTF? Really, now I was born at night but not last night, so I did it for the cookies, that old hag wouldn't allow me to eat any cookies cause I didn't give blood, so I gave. I jumped off the chair, said throw that bag away, I have slept with over 50 chicks in the red light district costing me over $300, and now my blood is tainted like your taint when you shit kids, and I'm just here for the cookies. And COOKIE MONSTER I became.
But if I remember correctly, I did sleep with one of the nurses daughters, so I said, I can't believe I am good enough to bang your daughter, but you guys don't want my blood, I'm just in shock. I better go eat some cookies so I can calm down. That old hag chased me out of there with a needle, I can't believe she was so sensitive, it wasn't like I would step down in morals and do her daughter again, been there done that, and wrapped ole willy twice, she melted the first one.
Car Salesmen
What is it that if someone just drives through a lot to look at the new models, some pot bellied pervert comes running out to you almost burning their lip and eyes from the cig they are toting? I can't understand it. It is getting about as bad as walking into the Buckle, you feel like you are being molested by sales people talking you into something you don't need. I understand that your making a living off selling cars, and making great stories about used cars to sucker us in to help you out. But come on man.
I'm going to start a game, for every time a salesman tries to push me into a car I don't want, I am going to try to return the sale backwards. When he tells me about a car, I'm going to tell him about the car next to it, and see who will bite first. Oh wait, why would a car salesman need a car? Don't they drive around brand new cars from the lot with the dealer tags on them just to show that they too can drive something special?
One thing that cracks me up, the fattest dude is always the best salesman, don't know how that works, but it just is a fact of life. Probably cause the skinny ones aren't selling, therefore, not eating, and the big one always has some spare change for the vending machine. But I mean to tell you, I am not going to buy a car from someone that does NOT own the same make. Why the hell would I buy a Ford when half the sales dudes are driving Chevy? Is that not a sign? I don't walk into a gay bar and ask for a straight woman, that is just confusing to me. Actually I don't walk into a gay bar anyways, I usually run. But who's counting?
So in short, when there is not other job in which you can handle, and you need exercise, a laid back environment, and a job in which you don't have to study, car sales is always looking for a few good bellies.
But, int he mean time, MEN, just to teach ya, if you position yourself by the drivers rear view mirror on the door when the ladies are getting in, yep, that gives you a straight up the skirt, short, looky look. I wouldn't know this for sure, but I am just saying, I have seen more cats in a pillowcase than the humane society. And if you play hard, stay hard, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
I'm going to start a game, for every time a salesman tries to push me into a car I don't want, I am going to try to return the sale backwards. When he tells me about a car, I'm going to tell him about the car next to it, and see who will bite first. Oh wait, why would a car salesman need a car? Don't they drive around brand new cars from the lot with the dealer tags on them just to show that they too can drive something special?
One thing that cracks me up, the fattest dude is always the best salesman, don't know how that works, but it just is a fact of life. Probably cause the skinny ones aren't selling, therefore, not eating, and the big one always has some spare change for the vending machine. But I mean to tell you, I am not going to buy a car from someone that does NOT own the same make. Why the hell would I buy a Ford when half the sales dudes are driving Chevy? Is that not a sign? I don't walk into a gay bar and ask for a straight woman, that is just confusing to me. Actually I don't walk into a gay bar anyways, I usually run. But who's counting?
So in short, when there is not other job in which you can handle, and you need exercise, a laid back environment, and a job in which you don't have to study, car sales is always looking for a few good bellies.
But, int he mean time, MEN, just to teach ya, if you position yourself by the drivers rear view mirror on the door when the ladies are getting in, yep, that gives you a straight up the skirt, short, looky look. I wouldn't know this for sure, but I am just saying, I have seen more cats in a pillowcase than the humane society. And if you play hard, stay hard, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Whiner
There is nothing more to life than whining that someone wrote a blog about you, and it hurt your feelings like a hooker that was shorted on a payment. That kind of stuff cracks me up. If you want to squeal, whine, or cry, take your goofy ass out in the country where there is nothing around and light it up, and whatever you do, don't let a comic KNOW we are getting to you.
So, to level out the playing field, since your just a bullfighter trying to be something, until someone rains on your parade. I am going to make a match out of the offer, and give the bull a sword. Let's see how you fair in the sword fights. Well, you may have it down, I mean, you are in love with a stripper and all. Just cause you run around with disco lights on your "other" car, don't mean we all have to stop and pay attention to the needy.
All I can say is, don't whine, don't sit next to the penis cake licking your lips all night, and lastly, don't be a part time cop who can't even carry real bullets, you have to tote around them rubber bullets in Indian Nation. What's wrong with this picture? Nothing on my level, you came you saw you spoke out loud. I ate it, and you are butt hurt, not as butt hurt as your woman when she unzips her pussy and lets her dick hang out. But you are tracking.
Never ever in life let a comic know they are getting to you. If you remember that, you will make it far, just go with the flow, laugh, have a good time. But if you spent your whole life being the butt of the joke, I wonder what it is that draws us into you. Not really that kind of into, but your like sitting around someone with no tongue trying to listen to a story. Peace out officer Laurel Nebraska. We love you, we love to pick fun at you, and let the games begin there Hightower. If only your father wrapped ole willy not to be silly, then I would have to find another.
So, to level out the playing field, since your just a bullfighter trying to be something, until someone rains on your parade. I am going to make a match out of the offer, and give the bull a sword. Let's see how you fair in the sword fights. Well, you may have it down, I mean, you are in love with a stripper and all. Just cause you run around with disco lights on your "other" car, don't mean we all have to stop and pay attention to the needy.
All I can say is, don't whine, don't sit next to the penis cake licking your lips all night, and lastly, don't be a part time cop who can't even carry real bullets, you have to tote around them rubber bullets in Indian Nation. What's wrong with this picture? Nothing on my level, you came you saw you spoke out loud. I ate it, and you are butt hurt, not as butt hurt as your woman when she unzips her pussy and lets her dick hang out. But you are tracking.
Never ever in life let a comic know they are getting to you. If you remember that, you will make it far, just go with the flow, laugh, have a good time. But if you spent your whole life being the butt of the joke, I wonder what it is that draws us into you. Not really that kind of into, but your like sitting around someone with no tongue trying to listen to a story. Peace out officer Laurel Nebraska. We love you, we love to pick fun at you, and let the games begin there Hightower. If only your father wrapped ole willy not to be silly, then I would have to find another.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Ladder Match's
Nothing is better than a cold beer and good ladder match. What would go thru them guys head to want to climb up 10 feet on a ladder and jump down like a squirrel jumping from a tree to a house, down onto someone who isn't going to catch you? I've jumped off some wild and crazy things in my day, such as airplane, helicopter, roof of the house, couple trees, but onto the ground or what I call a SOFT landing strip.
Except, one time, I jumped off the damn house onto the trampoline, and my fat ass hit bottom like Ron Jeremy on Jenna Jameson. I smacked my ass so hard, I didn't poop for a week. I think I broke my bunghole, put a divot into the tard also. Kapow I hit, bounced right off, face down into the yard. I learned the hard way, but I think I would try it again just to prove I can do it.
But to see these grown men jump around and climb ladders, jump onto other people, get tossed out over a ring onto a metal ladder, just makes my back hurt. One thing I did notice, was I have a heck of a chance to become a wrestler. None of those dudes have them 6 pack abs anymore, or maybe they do, they just protect them in the protein roll. Then on the other hand, I can't be a wrestler cause how am I going to get my package inside them Victoria Secret shorts they wear? I'd choke or sound like a girl, and for darn sure that rascal would jump out and slap someone, I don't want to kill anybody. So I think it is better for me to just sit back, relax, let those men who have all muscles no brains jump off crap, landing on other crap, tip a beer and lay the smack down on my fish tank. But until something else good happens, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Except, one time, I jumped off the damn house onto the trampoline, and my fat ass hit bottom like Ron Jeremy on Jenna Jameson. I smacked my ass so hard, I didn't poop for a week. I think I broke my bunghole, put a divot into the tard also. Kapow I hit, bounced right off, face down into the yard. I learned the hard way, but I think I would try it again just to prove I can do it.
But to see these grown men jump around and climb ladders, jump onto other people, get tossed out over a ring onto a metal ladder, just makes my back hurt. One thing I did notice, was I have a heck of a chance to become a wrestler. None of those dudes have them 6 pack abs anymore, or maybe they do, they just protect them in the protein roll. Then on the other hand, I can't be a wrestler cause how am I going to get my package inside them Victoria Secret shorts they wear? I'd choke or sound like a girl, and for darn sure that rascal would jump out and slap someone, I don't want to kill anybody. So I think it is better for me to just sit back, relax, let those men who have all muscles no brains jump off crap, landing on other crap, tip a beer and lay the smack down on my fish tank. But until something else good happens, don't be silly wrap ole willy.
Thinking
A day in my life, one would need a year of therapy. I am telling you, from the time I wake up, until the time I go to bed, my head is spinning like a jack on the sidewalk of the ghetto. If one thing is for sure, I have no idea where I come up with what I say, or write. I know that when ya take a dude like me, make some coffee with Red Bull, not only do I get wings, I have ANTS all over me!
I'm shaking worse than the first time I took a Viagra just to see what it would do. And THAT'S another thing, they say if you experience an erection longer than 4 hours to seek medical attention. Well, damn straight I'm going to get attention, I'm going to tell every chick I know, if some are CNA, or CMA, what's the difference they wear scrubs. You talk about being happier than a flag on a flag pole, let me be the pole for 4 hours. Dang.
I guess in all actuality, I might be as confused as someone when you just start talking sign language to them and mumbling, midway through sentence. I know I am kinda out there, but hey, someone needs to play outfield, in this life of swings, and hands shaking worse than a whore in church, I should be pretty darn lucky I got spell check on this blog. Or if that damn arrow would keep flying all over the place like Peter Pan, well, sorry Peter, if I got hit in the peter with a pan, I'd probably fly too. But all in all, I'm going to take this opportunity to use my shaking hand, so here we go for some safe sex, the only safe part about it is yourself. Oh man, I won't be silly and wrap ole willy.
I'm shaking worse than the first time I took a Viagra just to see what it would do. And THAT'S another thing, they say if you experience an erection longer than 4 hours to seek medical attention. Well, damn straight I'm going to get attention, I'm going to tell every chick I know, if some are CNA, or CMA, what's the difference they wear scrubs. You talk about being happier than a flag on a flag pole, let me be the pole for 4 hours. Dang.
I guess in all actuality, I might be as confused as someone when you just start talking sign language to them and mumbling, midway through sentence. I know I am kinda out there, but hey, someone needs to play outfield, in this life of swings, and hands shaking worse than a whore in church, I should be pretty darn lucky I got spell check on this blog. Or if that damn arrow would keep flying all over the place like Peter Pan, well, sorry Peter, if I got hit in the peter with a pan, I'd probably fly too. But all in all, I'm going to take this opportunity to use my shaking hand, so here we go for some safe sex, the only safe part about it is yourself. Oh man, I won't be silly and wrap ole willy.
Wallymart
Can you imagine Walmart with no motorized scooters? How many people would stop shopping there? Or am I the only one that puts on sunglasses, and rides around on one crashing into shit? Beings I don't golf, reason beings, I am not going to run around, trying to get my ball in a whole, counting my strokes to see if I can get even. I mean that would be more wasted time than trying to sell paint to a blind guy.
And where do they find the people that work there? The best thing about them is getting my sticker at the door from an always friendly gramps. I still don't know why he always has to lick the sticker first. I tried to tell him one day about technology and they pay some little Chinese kid to pre lick them so they are just peel and stick, but he can't hear me. So, I am guessing I need to write it out.
Who in the hell would design a building with 30 check outs and only hire 4 cashiers? I mean, that is like buying a hamster to be a watch dog. Take up all that extra room from the stands you don't use, and move the damn milk and bread forward like a hooker at communion. What would be so hard to have what I want, right where I can run in, run out, without dropping $100 every time? Want to put the customers first, move my shit where a fat guy can get to it without oxygen.
Well, I guess if they would do that, then there would be no need for the electric scooter, then there would be no mess for them to clean up from me hitting things, or batteries to charge, or the need for earplugs. Those back up alarms are hideous, not like I don't see that 60 inch ass backing up into me, but really, need to run nails down the chalkboard to get my attention also, thanks Wally. Until I shop and again, spending my next $100 bill, I am going to check out some of that yours and mine KY Jelly, wonder if it is good on wheat or white? Don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
And where do they find the people that work there? The best thing about them is getting my sticker at the door from an always friendly gramps. I still don't know why he always has to lick the sticker first. I tried to tell him one day about technology and they pay some little Chinese kid to pre lick them so they are just peel and stick, but he can't hear me. So, I am guessing I need to write it out.
Who in the hell would design a building with 30 check outs and only hire 4 cashiers? I mean, that is like buying a hamster to be a watch dog. Take up all that extra room from the stands you don't use, and move the damn milk and bread forward like a hooker at communion. What would be so hard to have what I want, right where I can run in, run out, without dropping $100 every time? Want to put the customers first, move my shit where a fat guy can get to it without oxygen.
Well, I guess if they would do that, then there would be no need for the electric scooter, then there would be no mess for them to clean up from me hitting things, or batteries to charge, or the need for earplugs. Those back up alarms are hideous, not like I don't see that 60 inch ass backing up into me, but really, need to run nails down the chalkboard to get my attention also, thanks Wally. Until I shop and again, spending my next $100 bill, I am going to check out some of that yours and mine KY Jelly, wonder if it is good on wheat or white? Don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Obesity Cause
In my wonderful world, where everyone knows me, I am completely worn out. From reading facebook, just alone, I got in a workout, burned 436 calories, hit my kids dog with a rake, was running late to work, read about gas prices, ate breakfast, I even got to pick the picture of the meal I wanted. I never knew a day in my life when I was growing up, I would have been so productive until Zuckerman came out with Facebook.
I went from doing it all, to reading, and feeling like I was there doing it. But actually, I was sitting on the couch, watching some Netflix, well, WWE Ladder Match movie, and man I have done nothing productive today other than go and make me some mac and cheese. Who knew that this social media craze would tie us all down like a hooker on a bed, oh man, I just called myself a hooker. Enough with the night life of a pornstar, but if you would have told me to pay more attention to that Apple 2e back in little school because I was going to rely on it to get fat and lazy when I was older, I would have probably laughed at you, and went outside to play 4 square. Now, that's a new subject.
4 square, a game we use to play that required us to go outside and find friends. Good thing we didn't have to wait for them to accept the request, I would have been playing with myself, we some things don't change, I still do. But to take such names and use them to make us bigger, in order for these people to have something to follow on the news, Obese Americans, well played. Call it hoot-n-annie, or cross stitch, needle and thread, something we people do while we sit down. Next thing you know, we are going to have a swingers meeting place called baseball. Just hope it's not called Soccer. Or a site where women are trying to find people to take out their men named Football.
I have a blog, a chair outside, plenty of food and a diet coke, cause that's how I roll. The only apple I have in my house is to keep the Dr away, and it's working, but so is running my car out of gas and selling my bike on the exchange page. But, until then, don't make her eat for 2, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
I went from doing it all, to reading, and feeling like I was there doing it. But actually, I was sitting on the couch, watching some Netflix, well, WWE Ladder Match movie, and man I have done nothing productive today other than go and make me some mac and cheese. Who knew that this social media craze would tie us all down like a hooker on a bed, oh man, I just called myself a hooker. Enough with the night life of a pornstar, but if you would have told me to pay more attention to that Apple 2e back in little school because I was going to rely on it to get fat and lazy when I was older, I would have probably laughed at you, and went outside to play 4 square. Now, that's a new subject.
4 square, a game we use to play that required us to go outside and find friends. Good thing we didn't have to wait for them to accept the request, I would have been playing with myself, we some things don't change, I still do. But to take such names and use them to make us bigger, in order for these people to have something to follow on the news, Obese Americans, well played. Call it hoot-n-annie, or cross stitch, needle and thread, something we people do while we sit down. Next thing you know, we are going to have a swingers meeting place called baseball. Just hope it's not called Soccer. Or a site where women are trying to find people to take out their men named Football.
I have a blog, a chair outside, plenty of food and a diet coke, cause that's how I roll. The only apple I have in my house is to keep the Dr away, and it's working, but so is running my car out of gas and selling my bike on the exchange page. But, until then, don't make her eat for 2, don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
www.GOTONE.com
Finally decided to meet one of them girls off the web. Well, I guess I've tried it before, but I'm about as smart as a calf and a hot wire, I'll keep doing it until it don't work. I guess. She was kind of a wack job, not the kind that a guy lays in bed thinking about, but I mean her elevator didn't even have a lift to it. She couldn't get a foot off the floor with a ladder in common sense.
So, we just sat there talking, and I acted like I was paying attention to her, thank god the girl sitting behind her was hot and sucking on her finger. She kept going on and on sounding like a skipping CD. About the only thing I caught was long time since sex, and degree in psychology. In which both hit me like a bb on a bare ass cheek. Well, considering she got a degree from a psychologist, in therapy, I then understood how she didn't have sex.
I don't know about you, but no guy wants to burn wood in a fireplace full of ants. With all her alter egos home like kids for Christmas, it would take a energy driven,,,,or desperate,,,,man to even wanna play with that mess. I was really nice and drove, but I wanna take this moment to thank whoever gave her a ride back to her car when I pulled the whole I need to pee trick and left. There really ain't that kind of room in the SOUL for her and the chick that was sitting behind her, and I didn't think Psycho Penny wanted to meet who I was really paying attention to while I was listening to her scare me away. For all I know, she may still be sitting there talking.
I play fair, I only take one at a time, and I sure feel sorry for the guy that gets hooked up with that mess. Man, I've dated an exotic dancer before, but never an exotic pharmacologist. But in the mean time, back in the Wild World of Gabe, don't be silly wrap ole willy. And if the light don't turn on, hit it with a flashlight.
So, we just sat there talking, and I acted like I was paying attention to her, thank god the girl sitting behind her was hot and sucking on her finger. She kept going on and on sounding like a skipping CD. About the only thing I caught was long time since sex, and degree in psychology. In which both hit me like a bb on a bare ass cheek. Well, considering she got a degree from a psychologist, in therapy, I then understood how she didn't have sex.
I don't know about you, but no guy wants to burn wood in a fireplace full of ants. With all her alter egos home like kids for Christmas, it would take a energy driven,,,,or desperate,,,,man to even wanna play with that mess. I was really nice and drove, but I wanna take this moment to thank whoever gave her a ride back to her car when I pulled the whole I need to pee trick and left. There really ain't that kind of room in the SOUL for her and the chick that was sitting behind her, and I didn't think Psycho Penny wanted to meet who I was really paying attention to while I was listening to her scare me away. For all I know, she may still be sitting there talking.
I play fair, I only take one at a time, and I sure feel sorry for the guy that gets hooked up with that mess. Man, I've dated an exotic dancer before, but never an exotic pharmacologist. But in the mean time, back in the Wild World of Gabe, don't be silly wrap ole willy. And if the light don't turn on, hit it with a flashlight.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
American Pie
I am a lover of the American Pie movies, they just kill me. One thing I learned was I DID NOT party enough for get laid as much as average dudes in school. I don't know if it was because we didn't have the girls like they do in the movie. But, I will tell ya know, if some of these chicks I went to school with could take back time, they damn sure would be like that now.
Back in the day of pimples, no back fat, no hemorrhoids, didn't need a fishing reel to get your tits perky, oh those were the days. I mean, I wear the same size pants I did in high school, it just takes me about 10 minutes longer to squeeze into them. I damn sure don't remember a band camp. I sure as shit would be all in to go to that, those band chicks are HOT now.
Back on the subject, whatever that was, all I would have loved is to have a Stifflers mom. Man, back then we really didn't have friends with hot moms. I would have had a best friend if I did. From now on, I say from this day forward, every class reunion should have an American Pie theme. We can have band geeks, the geeks, sports dudes, and was a cheerleader, could have been a cheerleader, and am a cheerleader. And from there, we can go, and go, and go. Eat warm apple pie, drink some beers and puke on each other, and play in a marching band with pepper spray on the ends. While we are all doing this, we won't be silly and wrap ole willy.
Back in the day of pimples, no back fat, no hemorrhoids, didn't need a fishing reel to get your tits perky, oh those were the days. I mean, I wear the same size pants I did in high school, it just takes me about 10 minutes longer to squeeze into them. I damn sure don't remember a band camp. I sure as shit would be all in to go to that, those band chicks are HOT now.
Back on the subject, whatever that was, all I would have loved is to have a Stifflers mom. Man, back then we really didn't have friends with hot moms. I would have had a best friend if I did. From now on, I say from this day forward, every class reunion should have an American Pie theme. We can have band geeks, the geeks, sports dudes, and was a cheerleader, could have been a cheerleader, and am a cheerleader. And from there, we can go, and go, and go. Eat warm apple pie, drink some beers and puke on each other, and play in a marching band with pepper spray on the ends. While we are all doing this, we won't be silly and wrap ole willy.
Close Family
The one thing I learned back in the day when I tried to screw people into buying time shares was, when family comes, it's great, but after about 4 days, they start to stink. But, when ya open the door to a sister and brother in law to move into your house, that brings stink to a whole new level. Like, the invasion of privacy.
I know that I get nervous about noises coming out of my bedroom, I mean, I guess that's why we have socks. The right to run around naked when you want, well, when the kids aren't there, or if they are, I just send em outside to play. Most parents understand. But the right to have some privacy when ya have to take the browns to the super bowl. Drop the kids off at the cosmic bowl. Or whatever you call, take a shit. Or take a shower.
There would be nothing worse that having your brother/sister in law walk in on ya. I mean, where I come from, we don't close doors, or announce what bathroom we are going to. There ain't no checkerboard on the fridge. I can see it now, they'd walk in, scream bloody murder, while I was screaming right with them. We would look freaks off Scary Movie. I wouldn't say a damn thing if I happen to see my sister in law, I mean, I always wondered if she had all them tribal marks on her whole body. But what the hell, I still wouldn't admit to my brother if I seen anything. Cause that's just not right. That would bring family stink to a whole new level.
Anywho, there is nothing like some visitors, but after a while, I would most likely chase them out. I'm not gonna hold my gas in, not going to stop vacuuming in my undies for anyone, let alone my own family. But, for some reason, my siblings have never asked to live with me, I keep getting bigger places in hopes, but I can't see why they wouldn't want to. I thought I had some family supporters,,,,I was wrong, but I hope my brother learns don't be silly, wrap his willy.
I know that I get nervous about noises coming out of my bedroom, I mean, I guess that's why we have socks. The right to run around naked when you want, well, when the kids aren't there, or if they are, I just send em outside to play. Most parents understand. But the right to have some privacy when ya have to take the browns to the super bowl. Drop the kids off at the cosmic bowl. Or whatever you call, take a shit. Or take a shower.
There would be nothing worse that having your brother/sister in law walk in on ya. I mean, where I come from, we don't close doors, or announce what bathroom we are going to. There ain't no checkerboard on the fridge. I can see it now, they'd walk in, scream bloody murder, while I was screaming right with them. We would look freaks off Scary Movie. I wouldn't say a damn thing if I happen to see my sister in law, I mean, I always wondered if she had all them tribal marks on her whole body. But what the hell, I still wouldn't admit to my brother if I seen anything. Cause that's just not right. That would bring family stink to a whole new level.
Anywho, there is nothing like some visitors, but after a while, I would most likely chase them out. I'm not gonna hold my gas in, not going to stop vacuuming in my undies for anyone, let alone my own family. But, for some reason, my siblings have never asked to live with me, I keep getting bigger places in hopes, but I can't see why they wouldn't want to. I thought I had some family supporters,,,,I was wrong, but I hope my brother learns don't be silly, wrap his willy.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Glamour shots
So, cruising down the Internet super highway, well, the one lane of Facebook, a peep decided to add that Glamour Shots being instant SEX APPEAL. Knowing me, and seeing SEX in status, I just to read, and that I did. I don't really know if I read, or puked in my mouth from some of them.I am telling ya right now, if you think 60 wearing hooker lipstick, with fly eyes, and whore hoop earrings is sexy, then OBVIOUSLY you ain't been in my neck of the woods lately.
Many things I have learned in this world. And one is, no matter what, when you take a piece of shit, and toss on a $500 dollar suit, you still have a piece of shit. Kinda like that little black speck on top of chicken shit, no matter how you look at it, it's still chicken shit. I mean, if granny is having a bad day like the day she knocked her teeth off the sink and into the shitter, I guess that would make her yellow teeth sexy again.
There is nothing like getting a birthday card in the mail that has a HOT SHOT picture of your aunt or grandma inside trying to be a modern day hooker. That is just WRONG in many ways. But I tell ya, I jumped onto eHarmony, and all be damn, they are even on there. Cougars everywhere, but I would be pissed if I contacted a hooker and she came to meet me looking like Laverne or Shirley after a hard day at work. Talk about stealing a boner.
So, ladies, please, please, please, there is nothing glamorous or more cheesy then trying to get all dolled up to be something you never will be, if you want to be sexy, take off all your clothes and snap a shot. I mean some of these shots would cause a vibrator to suddenly die, or hide from you. And if you think you can just post that crap to get a date, well, that is the exact reason we find body parts in 55 gallon drums in storage units. Nothing like making a serial killer puke in his mouth too. But, if you happen to find one of them natural beauties, with no whore face, or sex face, and looking good, feel free to share. I'm into realism, not whorism. And if you can't find the courage to find anything else than some fake bait on eHarmony, then keep buying lotion and don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Many things I have learned in this world. And one is, no matter what, when you take a piece of shit, and toss on a $500 dollar suit, you still have a piece of shit. Kinda like that little black speck on top of chicken shit, no matter how you look at it, it's still chicken shit. I mean, if granny is having a bad day like the day she knocked her teeth off the sink and into the shitter, I guess that would make her yellow teeth sexy again.
There is nothing like getting a birthday card in the mail that has a HOT SHOT picture of your aunt or grandma inside trying to be a modern day hooker. That is just WRONG in many ways. But I tell ya, I jumped onto eHarmony, and all be damn, they are even on there. Cougars everywhere, but I would be pissed if I contacted a hooker and she came to meet me looking like Laverne or Shirley after a hard day at work. Talk about stealing a boner.
So, ladies, please, please, please, there is nothing glamorous or more cheesy then trying to get all dolled up to be something you never will be, if you want to be sexy, take off all your clothes and snap a shot. I mean some of these shots would cause a vibrator to suddenly die, or hide from you. And if you think you can just post that crap to get a date, well, that is the exact reason we find body parts in 55 gallon drums in storage units. Nothing like making a serial killer puke in his mouth too. But, if you happen to find one of them natural beauties, with no whore face, or sex face, and looking good, feel free to share. I'm into realism, not whorism. And if you can't find the courage to find anything else than some fake bait on eHarmony, then keep buying lotion and don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Storms
I tell ya one thing, nothing says big storms like seeing the weather channel vehicles in town. I got my Billy Bob teeth in, coveralls on, non-matching shoes, and I am on the hunt for CNN to tell them,,,,SOUNDED LIKE A DAMN TRAIN. It has been raining harder than the KKK throwing pitchforks at the White House around here lately. I was sitting out on the deck last night, and watching some fireflies in the sky, and all of a sudden, a dang bolt was coming right for me. With my ninja like reflexes, I jumped inside so it didn't hit me. I got lucky, I tell ya, if that storm was about 50 miles closer, it would have hit me for sure. It was a near miss.
I like to sit outside and listen to the thunder, it reminds me of when we use to push my Uncle with a wooden leg down the steps. It would be close to that childhood experience, but I don't have to clean up a mess after it's done. I don't know who pissed off who, but the weather dude said people in heaven were throwing baseballs down. Talk about being one of the lucky kids with a helmet on. Man, thought I needed a V-8 would cross your mind before your eyes crossed.
I find it hard for me not to want to just watch people come out of Walmart dodging baseballs. That would be awesome, nothing like a pitching machine set up at the main entrance doors. Man, that gives me a heck of an idea. It would like like a pack of angry hippo's playing soccer inside the dang store with hail like that. But what I always wondered, they know what size it is, and for some reason, what I think of is WHO is the dumbass to go outside during the storm to get some of that hail and measure it? I was born at night, but not last night. Talk about a bad hair day.
Oh, on the other hand, I met Larry the Cable Guys sister, Moley. It had to be here, wearing a hammock that appeared to be a thong, and all covered in moles. I mean this chick looked like she got shot by a 12 gauge with bird shot. She had more moles than a ginger has freckles. But I was safe, I wasn't silly and wrapped ole willy. Now I gotta tell Larry, man he taught her how to be good in bed.
I like to sit outside and listen to the thunder, it reminds me of when we use to push my Uncle with a wooden leg down the steps. It would be close to that childhood experience, but I don't have to clean up a mess after it's done. I don't know who pissed off who, but the weather dude said people in heaven were throwing baseballs down. Talk about being one of the lucky kids with a helmet on. Man, thought I needed a V-8 would cross your mind before your eyes crossed.
I find it hard for me not to want to just watch people come out of Walmart dodging baseballs. That would be awesome, nothing like a pitching machine set up at the main entrance doors. Man, that gives me a heck of an idea. It would like like a pack of angry hippo's playing soccer inside the dang store with hail like that. But what I always wondered, they know what size it is, and for some reason, what I think of is WHO is the dumbass to go outside during the storm to get some of that hail and measure it? I was born at night, but not last night. Talk about a bad hair day.
Oh, on the other hand, I met Larry the Cable Guys sister, Moley. It had to be here, wearing a hammock that appeared to be a thong, and all covered in moles. I mean this chick looked like she got shot by a 12 gauge with bird shot. She had more moles than a ginger has freckles. But I was safe, I wasn't silly and wrapped ole willy. Now I gotta tell Larry, man he taught her how to be good in bed.
Savings
Sometimes when I'm sitting at home, alone, and usually bored because for some reason, when my fish talk, I can't hear it. I tried to unplug the air, makes em come closer to the top, but their lips stop moving so they don't talk. Damnest thing you ever did see, and all be damn if I am going to give CPR to a fish, I damn sure would a shaved cat, but not a fish.
So, my latest deal, is to call Verizon, why? Cause it's free entertainment, and I got a date with a chick from there coming up, she just don't know it. I have it figured out, she is off on Thursdays, so hint's to why I am blogging right now. But I like to just call and ask what type of specials they have going on for some services for smart phone. It really hasn't changed in the last 3 weeks, but I just know one of these days it is going to, and I want to jump on the savings.
So I call every night, but Thursdays, and now they don't even have to verify my information, they are that good. It's about as cool as prank calling someone with caller ID. In which, MY son found out, they call back right away, and ask, "3:30 in the morning, really?" In their little Chinese voice. Dumbass. I keep trying to tell him times now days suck, they just ain't like the old days. But ya buy em books and buy em books and all they do is eat the pages. Damn kids.
I tell ya, one day I am going to hit me a special on Verizon, and I am going to be the first to find it. I am all in it for saving some cash. I also am all into tell ya don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
So, my latest deal, is to call Verizon, why? Cause it's free entertainment, and I got a date with a chick from there coming up, she just don't know it. I have it figured out, she is off on Thursdays, so hint's to why I am blogging right now. But I like to just call and ask what type of specials they have going on for some services for smart phone. It really hasn't changed in the last 3 weeks, but I just know one of these days it is going to, and I want to jump on the savings.
So I call every night, but Thursdays, and now they don't even have to verify my information, they are that good. It's about as cool as prank calling someone with caller ID. In which, MY son found out, they call back right away, and ask, "3:30 in the morning, really?" In their little Chinese voice. Dumbass. I keep trying to tell him times now days suck, they just ain't like the old days. But ya buy em books and buy em books and all they do is eat the pages. Damn kids.
I tell ya, one day I am going to hit me a special on Verizon, and I am going to be the first to find it. I am all in it for saving some cash. I also am all into tell ya don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Being Single
I tell ya what, this single stuff is actually funnier than taking a group of handicap kids to a strip joint. I just can't believe myself that some people don't share so well. I mean, back in the day, in my church, I learned to share, but I guess times changed and I forgot to put in an address change for the memo. I tell ya what, I am about tired of one of my woman's husband coming over to pick her up early.
Nothing is more frustrating than a husband knocking at your door when your knocking the bed. Have some respect dude, I don't want her permanently or I would be married, ya know, just saying. Heck. But everywhere ya go, all be damn if you can find one of them old fashion ladies. Remember the ones that wouldn't take you on Maury, or Divorce Court, or even the ones that won't call Joey with Cheaters. I mean, them honest to goodness girls that just run around in a mini skirt, with no panties. That's my crowd.
But all these girls now, man I tell ya, they got more drama than Hollywood, and just try to latch on, I don't want a klingon, if I did, I wouldn't be changing my undies twice a day. I tell ya, I have had some bad farts, them kind that just make ya............those kind that trot right down your leg. I guess they say it's from not eating the right foods. So when I go to Walmart, I actually walk the isle's now, I guess that end cap food isn't good for your pooper. But I tell ya what, maybe I need to find me one that knows how to cook, and not in a microwave, oh, that goes back to old fashion girl too. Heck, I just better be quiet and send her out, her old man is getting done with golf league. I love golf league players. Just remember, no muff to tuff, and don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Nothing is more frustrating than a husband knocking at your door when your knocking the bed. Have some respect dude, I don't want her permanently or I would be married, ya know, just saying. Heck. But everywhere ya go, all be damn if you can find one of them old fashion ladies. Remember the ones that wouldn't take you on Maury, or Divorce Court, or even the ones that won't call Joey with Cheaters. I mean, them honest to goodness girls that just run around in a mini skirt, with no panties. That's my crowd.
But all these girls now, man I tell ya, they got more drama than Hollywood, and just try to latch on, I don't want a klingon, if I did, I wouldn't be changing my undies twice a day. I tell ya, I have had some bad farts, them kind that just make ya............those kind that trot right down your leg. I guess they say it's from not eating the right foods. So when I go to Walmart, I actually walk the isle's now, I guess that end cap food isn't good for your pooper. But I tell ya what, maybe I need to find me one that knows how to cook, and not in a microwave, oh, that goes back to old fashion girl too. Heck, I just better be quiet and send her out, her old man is getting done with golf league. I love golf league players. Just remember, no muff to tuff, and don't be silly, wrap ole willy.
Friends
I hollared at my buddy SLAPNUTS today down south where the sun shines, and the pools are in working order. He just so happened to have something real crappy to say, so I had to comment back at him. Nothing says, " I need a damn job" than tossing out a Facebook invite to come over and swim, and play some games. I mean, do they not work down there either? Or do they all just own a couple of illegals and have them make the money?
I don't know what it is, but I know I'm about to piss myself he is my friend. I got a couple pictures from him the other day, talk about not playing around. This dude is more serious about games than a sole bull out with 140 heifers. I got me a picture of a Zynga game, not just the average, but the monster truck addition. Them dudes play with 2 foot 2X4's. They stack that firewood up on the table, and drink and play. I would be more scared of loosing a damn toe from not spilling my beer I don't think I would be any good.
I would be the fat friend that everyone gets a chuckle at. You know, the guy that wears a t-shirt in the pool, and whos trunks go down past his knee on one leg, and about 3 inches higher on the other. That would be from me not folding them over before I cut them off. Ya, you know that guy. Or in fact, your him. Well, sorry I just told on ya, but drink on.
And what the hell makes my friends always ask the fat guy to air up all the toys for the pool? This crap ain't air, it's fat, if it was air, I would be about 10,000 feet in the air like a hot air balloon. My chest can't hold anymore air than yours, actually, I need more air just to move around, so start blowing up your own damn toys, from now on, I'm leaving my inhaler at home. That kind a crap just pisses me off worse than a dog that just can't quit get to the counter. So, take your little happy non working ass there Slapnuts, and drink and be cool.
Go out and pound on your drums and figure out a way for my to not have to work and get my bills paid that don't require me to use kiwi on my skin. I will love ya kindly, but until then, everyday at 4:20, remember me, the hard breathing, fat guy, standing here smoking, and wrapping his willy so he ain't silly. But our damn pools are still green and only 3 feet deep here, so eat that too!!!
I don't know what it is, but I know I'm about to piss myself he is my friend. I got a couple pictures from him the other day, talk about not playing around. This dude is more serious about games than a sole bull out with 140 heifers. I got me a picture of a Zynga game, not just the average, but the monster truck addition. Them dudes play with 2 foot 2X4's. They stack that firewood up on the table, and drink and play. I would be more scared of loosing a damn toe from not spilling my beer I don't think I would be any good.
I would be the fat friend that everyone gets a chuckle at. You know, the guy that wears a t-shirt in the pool, and whos trunks go down past his knee on one leg, and about 3 inches higher on the other. That would be from me not folding them over before I cut them off. Ya, you know that guy. Or in fact, your him. Well, sorry I just told on ya, but drink on.
And what the hell makes my friends always ask the fat guy to air up all the toys for the pool? This crap ain't air, it's fat, if it was air, I would be about 10,000 feet in the air like a hot air balloon. My chest can't hold anymore air than yours, actually, I need more air just to move around, so start blowing up your own damn toys, from now on, I'm leaving my inhaler at home. That kind a crap just pisses me off worse than a dog that just can't quit get to the counter. So, take your little happy non working ass there Slapnuts, and drink and be cool.
Go out and pound on your drums and figure out a way for my to not have to work and get my bills paid that don't require me to use kiwi on my skin. I will love ya kindly, but until then, everyday at 4:20, remember me, the hard breathing, fat guy, standing here smoking, and wrapping his willy so he ain't silly. But our damn pools are still green and only 3 feet deep here, so eat that too!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)